| Eternally Grateful: A Year After Slavery of Faith |
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As
it happened, my book Slavery of Faith (www.slaveryoffaith.com) became the turning point in which I found the “peace” that
had eluded me for so many years. It helped with the healing of my heart, mind
and soul. The journey continues to transcend to a deeper spiritual
understanding. For that I am eternally grateful. If this life ended today –
with the closure, forgiveness, joy and such a love of God as I have found – I
would leave with all this in my heart and soul. My God, could I ask for more?
Certainly not.
The
reaction to the book has been humbling and has definitely changed the direction
of my life. Its message has carried itself across a range of institutions, from
churches – which I expected – to the military, civic associations and other
organizations that I did not anticipate. The people I talk to are amazed to
hear that 33 people walked out of Jonestown, and that nine of them were African
American.
The
reader demographics of my book sales show that people are of all ages and have
come from all walks of life. Many responses have told me that they have found
hope and forgiveness. My forgiveness of Jim Jones and the freedom it allowed is
encouraging for most. I explain that forgiving him allowed me to forgive
myself. If we have been forgiven, how can I not forgive?
I
remember at one gathering of over 200 people this past year when I opened the
floor up for questions. For me, it is not just about sharing my testimony, but
it is to give the audience a chance to have a conversation with someone who
actually experienced the Temple and Jonestown. At times the questions have been
raw, but that is exactly what I desire, for the audience to comfortable enough
to ask the questions that they had.
The
questions I fielded at that gathering and that seem to be the most common
wherever I go:
1). How could so many people follow this man?
2). Did they not see what was happening in the United
States?
3). Were people happy in Peoples Temple and Jonestown?
4). Did they all commit suicide?
At
no time do I answer for anyone but myself. I do not begin to try to represent
918 lost souls. Everyone went to Jonestown for different reasons, suffered
through for different reasons. My responses are from my understanding and
experience alone. I speak of being so tired of the madness that I had to hang
on to the strength of a God I did not even know. After all, we had a man we
called “Father” who called himself God. Would God even hear me, as I had
committed blasphemy and turned my back on him?
He was a myth at that point – a thought like the thin light that comes through
the sky at the time of sunrise, that you catch in a glimpse out of the corner
of your eye. That was the amount of my understanding, but through that
foundation of my grandparents’ faith and exposure to God, that allowed me not
to give up. When I prayed, I wasn’t sure if my prayers would ever be answered,
but I kept myself focused on knowing somehow God would hear me and respond.
My
position of faith is humbling and oh so awesome. The comments I receive are
praises to me for being so young and being so brave and having Faith and coming
through 31 years of pain, and finally finding redemption. And I always reply,
the credit does not go to me. All the credit goes to the love of God, for if
you ask, you shall receive. I can say in this Faith walk that those that were
left behind lost the connection with the true God years before. We can not have
anything without knowing God – whether you call it the Universe, the Creator,
pure unconditional love – and we will not excel nor exceed without it.
The
people of Jonestown laid their faith at the feet of a maniac. My Jonestown
family – even my mother – turned their backs on God a long time ago. The
lessons of Jonestown were brutal. The reality can not be sugar-coated nor can
the people be considered martyrs to anything, for that is not so. They died
because they believed in a man – a human – and they disconnected with God. Do I
blame them? No! The strategy to break the human spirits was swift and
calculating. Humans can not be mentally tortured, physically starved, and
emotionally turned upside down, and still continue to think clearly.
My
speaking engagements focus on Faith, Love and Forgiveness. I speak to God being
all inclusive, non-judgmental, unconditional and selfless. It is my
responsibility to speak to that. One woman came up to me and asked me in the
most humbling voice, “Can I just touch you?” I wanted to cry and I said to her,
“Can I just hug you?” We embraced and I whispered in her ear, “God loves you.”
She held tight and so did I.
There
are many encounters such as that. When people email me and send me their phone
number, I try to call them back. One woman emailed me a beautiful message. Of
course I responded. However, one evening the spirit placed her on my heart and
I called her. Her answer machine came on and I left a message for her –
something to the effect that God placed her on my heart and I just wanted to
give her a call and tell her she was loved. She called me back and said she
could not believe that I had called at that particular moment, because she had
had the worst day ever. I told her that God is awesome and I listen when he
instructs me. There are many instances of this. And I am grateful to be able to
listen and encourage.
The
responsibility is great. It has changed my life forever. It has made me aware
daily that I was spared for this very purpose. I go to bed praying for God to
continue to use me and work every day to represent in a way that is pleasing to
God. My daily bread is the love of God; my thirst is quenched living a humble
life, to serve.
Does
it get lonely? Absolutely! The beauty is that during the time of my
self-destructive life, I was blessed with two additional children and I now
have three grandchildren. I miss my mom, sister, brother, niece and nephew
every day. But in those moments of solitude when the tears still flow in
remembrance, I look up and say “Thank you for loving me. Thank you, for you
saved a wretch like me.”
Be
blessed.
* * * * *
I’d like to share with you a few of the messages I have received:
I dvr’d the Jonestown Documentary with Soledad O’Brien. I was
deeply moved and inspired by your courage and will to endure and escape. I made
my teenagers watch, and it was good to finally have the truth be told, as
opposed to the way history painted the ordeal. I purchased your book and read it in
two days. I thought it was a very good read. When I was reading the parts where
you hid your glasses and then the day of the escape, boy, I felt like I was
there with you all. At one point I had to put the book down during the escape
and catch my breath.
Thank you for the powerful email.
Your words touched me so much and I have to be honest and tell you that I
haven’t been thanking the Lord for what I have. It made me think and it made be
grateful that whatever small things I have, I am thankful. Life is really rough
for me right now but I now, like you said my blessings will continue. Your
quote from Martin Luther King was awesome. Really lifted my spirits. I knew the
day I saw you on that show and I contacted you, you would change my life. I am
not telling you this to just speak, it is from the heart. I’m not that type of
person to just speak, I speak words of truth. I know God has brought us
together for a reason and I treasure that. One day I will meet you! I know it
in my heart and it will be my goal. You have touched my life in so many ways.
Just know that. I can only imagine what your life was like in Jonestown, but I
believe you are one of God’s messengers.
Your story will help me to grow stronger Blessing be upon
you My Sista. Love Ya Sis
I just finished your book, and I’d like to first express my deepest
condolences on the loss of most of your family, and for what you’ve
experienced. However, your faith, will, and intestinal fortitude are a model
for many. Albertina Walker once sang a song called “I’m Still Here,” even with
the same old enemy. You’re still here, and doing well. Keep doing your thing,
and my prayers are with you and yours always!
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