{"id":108926,"date":"2021-03-02T11:26:22","date_gmt":"2021-03-02T19:26:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/?page_id=108926"},"modified":"2021-03-02T13:20:20","modified_gmt":"2021-03-02T21:20:20","slug":"letters-from-teko","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/?page_id=108926","title":{"rendered":"Letters from Teko"},"content":{"rendered":"

[Editor’s note<\/strong>: Both the context of the nature of the woman code-named “Teko” \u2013 as described here but also in Mark Lane\u2019s diary<\/a> \u2013 as well as the comparison in handwriting on page 1 with pages 6 and 7 of this PDF<\/a>, reveal her to be Temple leader Sandy Bradshaw.]<\/p>\n

FF-3-117<\/strong><\/p>\n

[typewritten]<\/p>\n

You do have a mark \u2013 I kind of like it \u2013 but sorry \u2013 I know it’s hard to explain. I’m not really so sorry from my standpoint \u2013 I like even a momentary claim mark \u2013 I\u2019m that possessive.<\/p>\n

I wish mine could last longer \u2013 but they too are hard to explain away logically \u2013 esp. when ‘fat one’ knows exactly what they are. She’s the one I worry about \u2013 she can seem to smell it.<\/p>\n

and ok \u2018I needed that\u2019 \u2013 thank you. Of course I need more \u2013 of other things \u2013 I don’t deny that \u2013 but I swear \u2013 anytime \u2013 I’ll take whatever I can get.<\/p>\n

Wonder what Mike thinks\u2026 I hope that doesn’t commit you more there.<\/p>\n

It was so good \u2013 you are the best. My all to you \u2013 always\u2026 And always.<\/p>\n

Faithfully yours,
\nteko<\/p>\n

FF-3-118<\/strong><\/p>\n

I assume you know if the opportunity arose tonight \u2013 or anytime soon \u2013 I would gladly<\/u> comply \u2013<\/p>\n

Teko<\/p>\n

FF-3-146<\/strong><\/p>\n

[typed]<\/p>\n

Again \u2013 I wish to communicate with you \u2013 but time is limited as to whether it is done effectively or not. So many things to say \u2013 and so limited as to creative ways of doing it.<\/p>\n

I am sorry for your pain \u2013 sorry I ever give you any \u2013 And sorry I can do nothing about helping relieve. I’m very sorry that I mentioned anything about that woman I spoke about wanting sterilization. I usually think things out then I tell you a little better \u2013 but that was a new thought \u2013 and seems so logical \u2013 and I did not think all the way through the motives etc. and how it might affect you.<\/p>\n

I knew it would be painful \u2013 but somehow I did not want to do something that was against the scheme of things. And I think too that woman may have wanted to hear something like \u2013 “no \u2013 things will be different in the future” \u2013 or maybe she wanted to hear how much he would have liked her to bear his child \u2013 even if she never would. For you know how she loved children \u2013 and how she would have felt giving birth to his life. I’m sure that some of that “romantical” nonsense was working in her mind too. Anyway \u2013 I am sorry that I ever mentioned it \u2013 and I will tell that woman to do nothing in haste.<\/p>\n

I feel a sense of loss about this life \u2013 not so much personal pain \u2013 but more of loss. As I think back \u2013 I remember times of your pain \u2013 inescapable times. Times when my own pain was so minimal. I remember so well when you first told me of G- and what the coming event was. How the pain first made me think of leaving \u2013 had it been any other person \u2013 I would have. But it was so very clear \u2013 that your own pain was that much worse than my own. The full extent of your love then was so obvious.<\/p>\n

And obvious too is your constant suffering. It is suffocating to deal with \u2013 since my own inability to help you is also very obvious. There is tragedy about these lives, and I suppose in the same sense \u2013 grandeur of sorts \u2013 but the pain obscures the glory.<\/p>\n

And duty obscures the pain. So much for that\u2026<\/p>\n

I know these last 2 times \u2013 that what was planned on would not take place. Because \u2013 it had again moved from becoming an added \u2018attraction\u2019 to a desperate need. I know that when I do not have needs under control \u2013 the “gift” of the situation is denied. I truly believe that much of what goes on like that \u2013 is influenced by what is going on in the head. A Socialist can not have desperate needs \u2013 it is that simple.<\/p>\n

I get so repressed in my feelings around the person that I love \u2013 that sometimes I think I’m too repressed to do the lovemaking up right. If there were time \u2013 and the opportunity \u2013 I would like to take my lover and do many tasty and lustful things \u2013 my lover makes me feel very lustful \u2013 and aggressive. Now there is a good activity too often denied. But I relish in so many beautiful memories.<\/p>\n

The times are busy \u2013 and that is good. Pressures keep the mind from getting lost in the frustration of it all. The end seems far, far away. But yet \u2013 so very near. I am enough to get through this life time \u2013 and so grateful for purpose. All else seems superficial.<\/p>\n

I wish there were words to tell you all that is in my heart\u2026 I wish there was a way to ease your pain. But there is no way to go \u2013 but through\u2026 I give my very best to you\u2026<\/p>\n

In deepest faith \u2013 Teko<\/p>\n

FF-3-152, A-B<\/strong><\/p>\n

I certainly don’t feel the necessity to write my feelings from your direction \u2013 you have never asked anything from me. You have only given and given. But you know how full my heart gets at times \u2013 and then I will have to tell you \u2013 for my benefit.<\/p>\n

I miss you very, very, very much. I think about you so many times a day \u2013 your absence is haunting. The separation is like a continual mourning.<\/p>\n

I know this is the most painful, difficult time for you \u2013 for I know how much you love all the people and want to see them safe together.<\/p>\n

I have no illusions about the extent and depth of your suffering. I wish I could do something, anything to ease that burden. You, in your kindness told me late one night, through Larry, that I helped with your pain. That was nice of you \u2013 but I know where I fit in the whole perspective.<\/p>\n

I am so grateful for all that there has been over the years \u2013 I have absolutely no regrets.<\/p>\n

It was like being blind all my life \u2013 and then having sight \u2013 having beautiful, full vision for the first time ever. So you know \u2013 when those moments are no more \u2013 there can never be any regrets \u2013 because I was given something I had not had before\u2026 I have no loss \u2013 only beautiful memories.<\/p>\n

I would like to see you very much. But you know \u2013 I don’t expect it. Not even to see you again.<\/p>\n

I don’t feel right leaving here until most of our people get out. I know it can be done with without me \u2013 I’m certainly not irreplaceable. But I feel I should stay here as long as I legally can. If I stay low, I should be able to stay until something heavier gets underway.<\/p>\n

I am just so afraid something will happen \u2013 pain to the people \u2013 and there will be no one here to avenge. You know how important that is to me \u2013 it always has been. As long as things are going well there \u2013 I promise I will not do anything rash. But if things falter \u2013 I feel I have to be here until I know.<\/p>\n

If there is no other way, I will come with Vera, but if there were any other way \u2013 I would prefer she go with someone else. I’ll do whichever though \u2013 you know that.<\/p>\n

This cause is my life \u2013 and you are the center of it. Just being able to see you makes life that much better. The pain is there \u2013 pain is just another word for living \u2013 but you make the pain less \u2013<\/p>\n

I send you all my love. The deepest of feelings that I have. You have given me so much \u2013 what I have to offer in return is so little in comparison. You know all my faults and limitations \u2013 they are many.<\/p>\n

But one aspect of me that I am certain of \u2013 and that is my loyalty to you. To you as a person \u2013 there can never be another man for me \u2013 that I know as sure as death awaits \u2013 I can only belong to you \u2013 ever.<\/p>\n

And to you as this Cause. All the major decisions have been made in my life \u2013 all the so-called conflicts resolved \u2013 except how to die.<\/p>\n

[Page 2 of letter]<\/p>\n

Life is simple \u2013 no longer complex \u2013 the main purpose is now \u2013 just to stay alive. And that I have promised you \u2013 I will be conscious of \u2013 and work at.<\/p>\n

I have even written my own epitaph:<\/p>\n

Who was she? Just somebody.
\nWhat did she live for? Justice.
\nWhat did she die for? Injustice.
\nWas her life that simple? Yes\u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I have no hope of life ever being worth living for me \u2013 but I know that it can be for so many others \u2013 if I help to bring it about. And that is all I need \u2013 that and your love \u2013 which I know is always with me.<\/p>\n

I am sending you copies of the poems I wrote several years ago \u2013 you are the only one I have showed them to. They are not good \u2013 but they are my feelings. You know how I cover my feelings. But I wanted you to have them again \u2013 and also a favorite picture of mine.<\/p>\n

On looking over them \u2013 I guess my outlook on life could be called somewhat \u2018morbid\u2019 \u2013 pessimistic to say the least. But I do have feelings of \u2018hope\u2019 that I don’t often convey. I just wanted you to know that. I have great feelings of hope for humanity because of you \u2013 because of what you are doing. It doesn’t matter \u2013 but I do feel that this world will not be the same ever \u2013 because you have been here. You have sacrificed so much. Your vision has been so strong and clear.<\/p>\n

I love you, love you, love you. I just wanted to tell you that again \u2013 for my sake. You are always close to me \u2013 and your presence gives me great peace. Thank you for so much. You are everything to me. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have given.<\/p>\n

All my love\u2026<\/p>\n

your teko<\/p>\n

FF-3-156, A-B<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Pastor Jones,<\/p>\n

It is very difficult to write this \u2013 as it is embarrassing to confess one\u2019s perversions. Despite your tolerant counseling and understanding of my lesbian activities \u2013 my conscience can no longer bear to carry this.<\/p>\n

I have not stopped seeing Cynthia (who is not a member of our church) and have continued my active sexual relationship. I know that it is not a natural thing \u2013 but I get no greater pleasure and to have her go down on me \u2013 and me on her. We have even strapped on those dildoes (artificial penises) as to derive greater orgasm.<\/p>\n

I am never experienced such sex \u2013 and refuse to give it up \u2013 I am very \u2013<\/p>\n

[page 2 of confession]<\/p>\n

sorry that I have not grown out of this animal perversion \u2013 I know I will never change in this area.<\/p>\n

I am sorry \u2013 but that’s the way I am.<\/p>\n

Sandra Bradshaw<\/p>\n

FF-3-157, A-B<\/strong><\/p>\n

I would hope with all the inconsistencies you have around you all the time \u2013 that I could be some kind of constant factor. I \u2018love\u2019 you \u2013 and have thought long and hard about the knowledge I have both you and the circumstances of your life. When you said that to KL the other night \u2013 I first thought that was strategy \u2013 a diversion. I thought I didn’t think it was true. But then I thought \u2013 well it may be true and that something about me prohibited you from being as free. I never for a moment doubted that you loved me. But at the same time \u2013 I felt I could accept you feeling freer in a certain area around someone else.<\/p>\n

I don’t feel that your love for me is \u2013 or should be mutually exclusive of other areas or people. But I do have a hard time with the \u2018physical\u2019 part. I do not like sharing that at all. And especially in the sense that I know you don’t enjoy any part of it \/ I think I would feel differently if you did get something out of it. I could almost accept that easier \u2013 you know \u2013 if you got some sort of release \u2013 and not just pain.<\/p>\n

It hurts to hear you say that you know so much has gone down that even if you meant what you said \u2013 nobody would believe you anyway. I feel that comes to me \u2013 and I don’t know how I can convince you that I do believe you and the things I hear will not make a difference.<\/p>\n

There have been too many things between us; too many years; too many talks; too much sharing of small things\/ too many complete moments of lovemaking. Too many painful situations that have been worked through.<\/p>\n

It is like the same questions keep coming up and have to be dealt with until a decision is made and then the question is dropped. For instance \u2013 my suicidal feelings \u2013 I have dealt with them for so long \u2013 and have decided it would be \u201canti-\u201d to do it \u2013 (and I had promised you I never would and I understand the reasons against it)<\/p>\n

But when I was so depressed in Sept. \u2013 I again thought of it \u2013 closer to home than the usual casual thought of death. But I never<\/u> seriously considered doing<\/u> it \u2013 even though I was preoccupied with not wanting to live. \u2013 It was almost as if the “answer” were settled when I masochistically suffered with the “question”. And I can’t deny that I \u2018like\u2019 to be depressed in a certain way \u2013 (I know my masochistic tendencies in some areas.)<\/p>\n

Just as at times \u2013 I \u2018want\u2019 you to know my suffering (as a subtle attempt at manipulation) but then at the same time \u2013 I do not want you to know because of the pain it causes you. In some ways I have overcome the desire to manipulate you \u2013 in other ways \u2013 I have not.<\/p>\n

Considered also \u2013 many times was the possibility of leaving \u2013 both you and the cause. It was equally rejected for a number of carefully thought out reasons \u2013 but again it doesn’t mean that the thought never crossed my mind during some particularly painful moment. It’s just that I know my answer \u2013 so felt \u2018safe\u2019 in indulging in the masochistic agony of the topic.<\/p>\n

[Page 2 of note]<\/p>\n

The same with loving you \u2013 it has been painful at times (painful mainly because of selfish reasons or expectations) that I thought \u2013 if I could get out of it \u2013 I would. You know that I have considered it \u2013 and I don’t make decisions one way or the other \u2013 lightly. I’m never satisfied with quick decisions or decisions based on emotions. When I say that I have considered all these things carefully<\/u> \u2013 and to great length \u2013 I seriously mean it. I am not an arbitrary person.<\/p>\n

I have decided the answer long ago to the question of living for the cause; staying here until the end; and of loving you no matter what\u2026<\/p>\n

Faithfully,<\/p>\n

Teko<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[Editor’s note: Both the context of the nature of the woman code-named “Teko” \u2013 as described here but also in Mark Lane\u2019s diary \u2013 as well as the comparison in handwriting on page 1 with pages 6 and 7 of this PDF, reveal her to be Temple leader Sandy Bradshaw.] FF-3-117 [typewritten] You do have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"parent":108869,"menu_order":7,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-108926","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/108926","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=108926"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/108926\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":108942,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/108926\/revisions\/108942"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/108869"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=108926"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}