{"id":126599,"date":"2024-04-05T15:28:00","date_gmt":"2024-04-05T22:28:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/?page_id=126599"},"modified":"2025-07-21T11:21:45","modified_gmt":"2025-07-21T18:21:45","slug":"writings-of-penny-kerns","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/?page_id=126599","title":{"rendered":"Writings of Penny Kerns"},"content":{"rendered":"

[Editor’s note<\/strong>: Several of the letters in this section were written in the summer of 1978, although many carry no dates at all. Others include date and month \u2013 eg. 9\/7\/78 \u2013 and while most Jonestown residents retained the American notation of dating (meaning this date would be September 7, 1978), others adopted the British\/Guyanese notation (meaning this date would be July 9, 1978). In order to make the transcriptions as accurate as possible, those notations have been left as is.]<\/em><\/p>\n

EE-1-k-18<\/p>\n

Letter from Penny Kerns to Marceline Jones, September 1977<\/strong><\/p>\n

9-18-77<\/p>\n

Dear Mother,<\/p>\n

Thank you for taking so much time with us this morning. It helped so much. And I was so happy to hear Father insist that I stay with letters because I always feel as if I’m not needed.<\/p>\n

I want to correct something. I didn’t tell Lois and Jerry that I thought they wanted to kill me. I’ve never even thought this about anyone but Johnny.<\/p>\n

Also, I don’t think it’s necessary for Sharron [Sharon] Amos to talk to me. I have really been better here and it would be so selfish of me to take up her time. I think that working with the seniors will help me come out of myself.<\/p>\n

I do try to keep my mind on Father’s vision and I try to combat & identify the Capitalism within myself.<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-k-19<\/p>\n

I’m sorry that I cried today. I don’t really cry much anymore. I am thankful for the unity that you helped create today. It certainly lifted what seemed an impossible burden.<\/p>\n

I will continue to work at being positive and to not turn on myself or into myself. I know that this is selfish and self-centered & I want to overcome these negative traits. I watch for the good traits in others to pattern the rebuilding & constructing of myself after. I especially love to hear the children sing.<\/p>\n

I would appreciate it if you would check to see if Father got the report I did on myself \u2013 and if not, if you would please tell him that I was<\/u> afraid so that I won’t be such a hippocrite [hypocrite]. I want to become a positive personality. Thank you for your loyalty to Father and all of us and for not judging me. You are such a beautiful Mother and comrade.<\/p>\n

Penny<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-S-62 \u2013 S-63<\/p>\n

Note from Penny Kerns, November 1977<\/strong><\/p>\n

11-19-77<\/p>\n

Dear Father,<\/p>\n

A couple of weeks ago, Rheaviana Beam told me that she talks to Jack on the radio \u201cevery week.\u201d<\/p>\n

Today she came to Dorm #1 with a large hand washing. First of all, I smelled bleach and I wondered how in the hell she managed to get some for herself. Then I smelled something else with a sweet fragrance. I didn\u2019t want to get into a Rheaviana Beam mouth fight, so I said something about smelling something good. Rheaviana said it was disinfectant and that she was \u201chaving a problem.\u201d I asked her if she was having a reaction to the soap and she said no \u2013 that she had had diarrhea and doesn\u2019t think its good to wash different peoples clothes together. She said, \u201cI\u2019ve lived alone too long.\u201d I told her that I thought she\u2019d always lived with people. She said that she had always done for herself.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d like to know who in the hell she thinks she is and where she got the damned disinfectant!<\/p>\n

Penny<\/p>\n

—-<\/p>\n

EE-1-k-18<\/p>\n

Letter from Penny Kerns to Marceline Jones, September 1977<\/strong><\/p>\n

9-18-77<\/p>\n

Dear Mother,<\/p>\n

Thank you for taking so much time with us this morning. It helped so much. And I was so happy to hear Father insist that I stay with letters because I always feel as if I’m not needed.<\/p>\n

I want to correct something. I didn’t tell Lois and Jerry that I thought they wanted to kill me. I’ve never even thought this about anyone but Johnny.<\/p>\n

Also, I don’t think it’s necessary for Sharron [Sharon] Amos to talk to me. I have really been better here and it would be so selfish of me to take up her time. I think that working with the seniors will help me come out of myself.<\/p>\n

I do try to keep my mind on Father’s vision and I try to combat & identify the Capitalism within myself.<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-k-19<\/p>\n

I’m sorry that I cried today. I don’t really cry much anymore. I am thankful for the unity that you helped create today. It certainly lifted what seemed an impossible burden.<\/p>\n

I will continue to work at being positive and to not turn on myself or into myself. I know that this is selfish and self-centered & I want to overcome these negative traits. I watch for the good traits in others to pattern the rebuilding & constructing of myself after. I especially love to hear the children sing.<\/p>\n

I would appreciate it if you would check to see if Father got the report I did on myself \u2013 and if not, if you would please tell him that I was<\/u> afraid so that I won’t be such a hippocrite [hypocrite]. I want to become a positive personality. Thank you for your loyalty to Father and all of us and for not judging me. You are such a beautiful Mother and comrade.<\/p>\n

Penny<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

BB-31-a-122 \u2013 a-127<\/p>\n

Penny Kerns Silver Strategy Letter to Dad on Tim Stoen<\/strong><\/p>\n

Stradegy From Penny #1<\/u><\/p>\n

Spooking Tim Stoen<\/u>: Tim could recieve phone calls from men or women both of various places where he could recieve messages. The color could say they were looking for Attorney Tim Stoen \u2013 and when they are asked who is calling, they can reply, “Chris Lewis.” I would have a different person make this call each time. But I wouldn’t call the same place<\/u>twice as the police have a set up in which the calling line is tied up<\/u> when a prank call is placed. Of course this would be o.k. from a pay phone if the caller wears gloves.<\/p>\n

#2 Story in Peoples Forum \u2013<\/u><\/p>\n

Headlines Transvestite Attempts To Blackmail Jim Jones<\/u> (Personally saved from sick life on streets.) A story can be written touching upon what is happening but not naming Tim. Just telling enough to let him know we will tell it all. Then issues of the Forum \u2013 with personal<\/u> stories about the Mertles & others, still unnamed<\/u>, can be dropped in their neighborhoods.<\/p>\n

Assassination Team<\/p>\n

I think an assassination team should be set up. I would like to volunteer to be on this team. I think the team should consist of men & women, Black & White. This group of people can infiltrate into the States as couples & using other people’s passports, if necessary. (They rarely check passports w\/ people). If, however, a group of us were to go to the States for this purpose, doubles for us could be set up here \u2013 or, we can travel under the name of someone here, to cause confusion. Better yet, with false IDs.<\/p>\n

If six of us went. Say (example only) two women & four men \u2013 three Black & three whites. Two couples could go and the other two could travel as “friends.” Being good at makeup & changing my appearance, I could track down & pinpoint whoever we are trying to piss on.<\/p>\n

One method of eliminating a person is by putting pressure on the main artery to the brain at the back of the neck. This would cause a condition which couldn’t be detected as murder but would look like a weakening in the wall of the artery or brain hemmorage [hemorrhage].<\/p>\n

Sebastian [McMurry] & I talked about going & we would like to go on this detail. He mentioned a large team. But large teams are harder to control.<\/p>\n

With a permanent & makeup, I would look much younger. I also believe that Tim Stoen what communicate with me as he was very fascinated by my mind. He would always take the time to talk to me.<\/p>\n

He wanted me to research Police Chief [Edward] Davis of LA. So that we block his running for governor. He was also going to give me information about people in the DA\u2019s office so I can put them on file.<\/p>\n

He said he wished he could see how I would react on a polygraph test because of my high intelligence. He told Andy [Silver] once, “can you believe that of all the women in California, she is the most intelligent?\u201d<\/p>\n

When I felt low & worthless, I wanted to help \u2013 I thought that I could infiltrate these people & get shit on them & help. I still think I can do this. I believe that I can set up Tim for a piss team or piss on him myself. I can sure as hell locate him & all the others.<\/p>\n

Letters About Tim<\/u><\/p>\n

To different Editors, to Calif. State Bar, to the DA of each county in Calif., to the Disciples of Christ \u2013 The letters could be from a very upset Mom \u2013 handwritten \u2013 saying how Tim Stoen sexually molested her child \u2013 and that she has witnesses \u2013 but that as a Christian woman she doesn’t want to expose him “publically,” she only wants to stop him from being in a position of hurting other children. She could say in the letter, “I never believed I would ever write an unsigned letter \u2013 but I am afraid of Tim Stoen \u2013”<\/p>\n

Penny Silver<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-S-43<\/p>\n

Undated note from Penny Kerns, early 1978<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad:<\/p>\n

In reference to our New Years peoples rally and you asking us who stood up with having had sex without going to the committee: it was with Tim \u2013 we havn\u2019t had it since the boat in Georgetown but that wasn\u2019t cleared. We haven\u2019t done it since.<\/p>\n

After he had fucked he said he didn\u2019t wish to have a relationship. I told him off for not having enough respect to talk first. He agreed wasn\u2019t defensive. Said he didn\u2019t want to go before the committee.<\/p>\n

He continued to play games I was warned that if we didn\u2019t go before the I we would go to the learning crew \u2013 I told him \u2013 he said shit \u2013 as long as I\u2019m not fucking you its okay \u2013 I said NO NO<\/u> I not so!! He said I was trying to manipulate him! so I said SEE<\/u> YOU<\/u>! We are no<\/u> exception to the rule \u2013 if he wishes to play then he\u2019s going to accept the responsibility or nothing at all.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s changed \u2013 quiet \u2013 depressed and snappy on the boat. Yuyana said if he\u2019s not better this trip he\u2019s going to write up Tims depression or whatever it is. He<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-S-42<\/p>\n

can\u2019t learn to do the boat unless he tells Yuyana what to do. When I told him Xmas day I heard he was leaving he said it makes me sick to my stomach to know I have to take that damn boat out again.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen him take other privileges like going to the kitchen and getting coffee and sandwiches. It just seems he\u2019s having trouble getting use to having everyone here. He said when I first arrived be patient with me I have been a hermit for 3 years and don\u2019t know how to cope. I\u2019m not pushing him nor have I. If he wishes not to follow rules I his problem. I had my say.<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-S-53<\/p>\n

Undated note from Penny Kerns<\/strong><\/p>\n

My hostilities and My sexual feelings for you..plus the people I have had sexual feelings for: By Penny Silver.<\/p>\n

Dear Dad: I have great fear and hostility towards you. One of the reasons that I was able to quit drinking was because of my fear of you. I could picture myself in a bar and your calling me there and telling me to get home! On the day that I started working on the Learning Crew I said in my mind, \u201cI hate you, I hate you!\u201d This is the first time that I have ever expressed this feeling consciously. But then when this feeling passed, I thought of how ridiculous of me to feel this way, when you are the only person on the earth who gets onto people to make them be good and I could see the beauty in this, and I kept my mind on all these things the rest of the day. I thought mostly on the people in Angola that had to run after the garbage trucks…this was so terrible to me…and this helped me get through the day. I thought also on the people imprisoned and I was glad for this opportunity to know somewhat how they feel to lose their rights. This Learning Experience helped me with my feelings Dad. I do hate the discipline, Dad, and I always have but I understand the great need for it.<\/p>\n

I know that I couldn\u2019t have made it without the discipline…without the structure that you provided for me and I know that I willingly submitted myself to the discipline and I think that the people who submit to the Experience get through it better and quicker. It is so humbling and it is so frightening to see what a terrible condition physically so many of us are in.<\/p>\n

It is hard for me to face my sexual feelings for you, Dad…you have been through so much pain. Sometimes I fantasize you making love to Marceline and I wonder also who all you have had sex with and I try to relate to this. The way that I think about it is your willingness to have sex to a person to make them feel worthwhile and to turn them around for Socialism. I can see the beauty in this. And it makes me cry to think of your having to have sex with Tim Stoen or others like him, to appease them or whatever. I think about Marcelines pain and her loneliness and I do get upset when she is here and she lives in one place and you another. I don\u2019t understand this. Also, Dad, and I hate to admit these things that go through my mind, because I try to not question you…I have wondered if you and Maria were companions. And in this I saw something sweet and loving if it were so…that she has felt so bad about herself. I then corrected myself on this and felt guilty for this thought. Then when you mentioned that we should have Communal sex, I couldn\u2019t relate to this…and I wondered if you had communal sex with Maria, Carolyn and whoever. I tried to understand this in my mind. But upon thinking this over, I was pissed at myself and thought of their hard work and I really don\u2019t believe that their minds are on sex or that they would put you through all that kind of shit, though I do believe that Carolyn did at one time. I only know that she is a hardworker and a grand socialist. Sometimes I wonder what your penus looks like. I try to imagine if it\u2019s as big as you say it is and I have often thought about how uncomfortable this must be and I wondered how Marcie could stand having sex with someone with such a huge penus. Then I think this through and I decide that I don\u2019t believe you at all. I think that you are really just a nice, normal man, who is trying to cut down these guys who are so hung up on their Dicks. But when one considers Communal sex, Dad, I can relate to it when I consider the lonely people that have no one and need personal attention. The problem is, Dad, that I don\u2019t know how to care that much for others yet. I have been hurt so by sex and men, that it\u2019s hard for me to relate to just anyone. I wish that I could, so that I could help comfort the people. It\u2019s hard to learn to care about others, Dad. Like today, when you read about Linda Arteberries [Arterberry\u2019] life, I stood at the window and cried. I understand what it was like to have children taken away and to have to do a lot of things to survive and I understood her happiness here…yesterday, I judged her because I was<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-S-54<\/p>\n

pissed because she doesn\u2019t may more attention to her children…for when I came to you, I was so tired and you took me in, Dad and you provided care for my poor neglected children. My debt is so great to you. And I thought that maybe I could help Linda raise her children, as others helped me…only because of you, Dad and I thought of all the children that you have provided me, Dad, and the ability to help them, Dad, heals so much pain inside of me. The pain was so great that at times I thought that I would die. All of my life, I adored children and it was my dream as a child to grow up and have lots of children someday. Well, Dad, I sure have them now, of all ages. Sometimes it\u2019s a really hard job and I don\u2019t think that I can make it… and sometimes I lose track of what I\u2019m doing… But when I see the people graduate, it is so worthwhile. I am so afraid that I will say or do the wrong thing, Dad…<\/p>\n

Yes, Dad, I do have sexual feelings for you. But they are combined with having you put your arms around me and holding me. When I fantasize about having sex with you, I shudder because it is horrible to me, to expect anything of you in this way because you have been through so much. I always think about the problems that you have had with your bladder and kidneys and I think about your going to the Urologist and having that tube put up your penus without anything for pain. And I can picture in my mind your having to have sex with Tim Stoen and your vomiting on his back. I hate him for this. He always came off so dammed good, the fucker. I was hostile about getting put on the Learning Crew because I didn\u2019t think that I deserved it, but I was glad to get off the floor and to sit down and just rest as I was really tired. It wasn\u2019t clear in my mind as to what the hell I had done…But then I never think I deserve what I\u2019m getting and liked to defend myself all the way. I did deserve getting on the crew for numerous reasons continually committed. Selfishness greed, manipulations, bad mouthing, and all kinds of shit too many to name. Jealousy, nosiness, over eating, stealing, lying, phoniness, being a snob, buttering up people.<\/p>\n

People that I have and have had sexual feelings for: Terry Carter, Dough the electrician, Andy Silver, Jim Jones, Johnny Cobb Jones, Marthia Hicks, Russell Moton, Johnny Jones, Jack Barron (years ago) but I still think about how kind Jack can be, Jim McElvane, Al Simon, Tom Kice, Nat Swinney and I can\u2019t think of anymore.<\/p>\n

Thank you, Dad,<\/p>\n

Penny Silver<\/p>\n

[The following is handwritten below the typed letter.]: You freed me from capitalist guilt and shame and made me whole. You are my Dad and I know you love me! <\/u>You make me so happy! It\u2019s so wonderful to have a real<\/u> family. I appreciate what I have \u2014Penny<\/p>\n

[Drawing of a \u201cHappy Face\u201d]<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-K-80 \u2013 K-81<\/p>\n

Undated test answers by Penny Kerns<\/strong><\/p>\n

Jonestown, Guyana by Penny Kerns<\/p>\n

Socialism<\/u><\/p>\n

In Socialism the people, the working class, our means of production are share all profits, instead of the rich owning the means of production and the working class being paid token wages.<\/p>\n

Today I am in love with Socialism and its realities. I came to the Temple because I was dying physically & mentally & didn\u2019t understand politics. I don\u2019t understand politics now as I should.<\/p>\n

But I believe I understand socialism and I do know that in order for all in the world to survive, socialism must reign.<\/p>\n

What does it matter that we are facing death here? 3\/4 of all the world are dying from starvation. Father has always taken care of us and told the truth. He has given us a chance to stand up for truth and to face the dirty Capitalists that ruined everyone of us. This stand will cause the people of conscience in the 3rd world to raise up and shout out their beliefs on our behalf.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s time that I would like to live, but how could I live without Father and my brothers & sisters in the socialist family.<\/p>\n

I am so proud to be a socialist. I was so worthless when Father found me. A nothing. And I am so happy that my darling Carol is here. A young woman of sensitivity & concern for others, willing to die for the people. And I am so proud to be here with the people, and thankful that I was dragged through by you, Jim.<\/p>\n

And when I think of Andy [Silver] this moment, I hope that he will go and seek out Philip, Ruth & Jeanette [Kerns] and give them the full treatment that their dirty, sell-out greed deserves. Dirty Capitalists!<\/p>\n

Yesterday, I told Mom [illegible name] that we were getting to experience somewhat what the Jews went through. Hitler offered them to the States for $7.00 a head & the U.S. wouldn\u2019t save them. I am no better than any of them and no better than any of these sweet people here.<\/p>\n

For freedom, the working class must unite and racism must be overcome.<\/p>\n

I am sorry I didn\u2019t get to blow up a few Capitalists.<\/p>\n

Penny Kerns<\/p>\n

[Scribbled on the side: <\/strong>A message to my mom: You taught me racism from the time I was a baby. I kept telling you to not say \u201cnigger.\u201d I\u2019m a nigger and it\u2019s a beautiful thing to be. A socialist nigger.<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Jeanette, Philip & Ruth, Jim did everything for all of you. You are three dirty Capitalist liers and I hate what you stand you. Carol & I spit upon the memory of you & those like you. You have sold out mankind and been responsible for this huge massacre. You have sold your souls & you will not go free.<\/em>]<\/strong><\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-S-36 – 37<\/p>\n

Memo from Penny Kerns<\/strong><\/p>\n

10-5-78<\/p>\n

Dear Council: This afternoon I found Tom Grubbs fly swatter on the back porch of A-1. I took it to him on the way to a medical meeting, to the book depository. As I approached him, he waved his arms and smiled. I didn\u2019t understand at first what he meant. Then he said for me to keep it, that he didn\u2019t want it. I told him that I didn\u2019t want it either (and I wasn\u2019t sure if he was serious or not.) I held it out to him again, and he said he didn\u2019t want it. I told him that I thought he should take it since I had brought it to him. With this I started to lay it down on the steps of the book depository. He then grabbed it and started yelling at me and said he\u2019d show me what to do with it and in a big loud mouthed tantrum he broke the fly swatter over his knee saying, \u201cYou are very hard to convince.\u201d He then went stomping in a dramatic display to the garbage can where he threw it in and slammed the lid down. This fly swatter was a hand made one, really nice. I feel especially upset because I have a problem communicating with Tom anyway and was trying to be nice with him. He is ruthless at times with his explosions and I think he needs to get himself under control. When I talked to<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-1-S-37<\/p>\n

Joyce Touchette about it, she said she had heard about it from three other people\u2026 she said they said I \u201cWouldn\u2019t leave him alone\u201d. I wanted to tell her my side of it and she said she didn\u2019t want to hear it. I told her that Dale Parks said it was going to be dealt with in the mens meeting and she said it shouldn\u2019t be dealt with there because he can\u2019t tell his side of it. I feel very upset and degraded by him and he thinks he has the authority to talk to me in a demeaning manner whenever he wants to. I wasn\u2019t being rude or unkind to Tom and I don\u2019t understand why he didn\u2019t want his fly swatter. I especially don\u2019t understand why he broke it and threw it in the garbage can.<\/p>\n

Penny.
\n\/s\/ Penny<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

BB-3-jj<\/p>\n

Note to Jones from Penny Kerns on Blakey defection, May 18, 1978<\/strong><\/p>\n

May 18, 1978<\/p>\n

Dear Dad,<\/p>\n

I would have written this sooner but I didn\u2019t want you to think that I was being nosey. After you left San Francisco, Debby Blakey was supposed to visit her dad. She wanted me to straighten her hair so that it wouldn’t look like an afro. I told her it looked really cute and stylish, but she was upset and worried that he would be upset. This concerned me and I wouldn’t do it. Also, she stated publically in a meeting (I think it was a Wednesday night meeting), that she had been “very happy” before coming to Peoples Temple and had really enjoyed her life. (This really flabbergasted me because she was so miserable when she came.) I also think she has a lot of hostility for her mother. She told me during this same period that her mom had wanted her to have surgery on her lips at one time because she thought Debby was ugly. Also Debby told me that she had had a lot of trauma because she (Debby) had hair on her breasts. (She seemed to be less concerned about the hair.<\/p>\n

I would like to tell you, Dad, that most of the people that left absolutely could not stand me. They seemed very uncomfortable around me and at the time I couldn’t understand it but then when they would leave, I would. Maybe they were afraid I would find out their shit. I don’t know.<\/p>\n

I wish to thank you for the love and respect that you show all of us, Dad, even though many of us don’t deserve it. I thought I was one of the few that had ran. It is so beautiful the way that you pave the way for people to comeback. I felt so guilty, Dad. I thought that you would never trust me again…. I remember when you said to everyone, “Why don\u2019t you make yourself trustworthy?<\/p>\n

I hope the above information is of help to you, Dad.<\/p>\n

Penny.<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-3a<\/p>\n

Letter to Jim Jones from Penny Kerns Silver, July 1978<\/strong><\/p>\n

28 July, 1978<\/p>\n

Dear Dad: I am sorry to bother you but I am having a big problem with depression \u2013 I know the depression is self centered and selfish sometimes it\u2019s very hard to combat. I have a number of things that are upsetting me and that I have been upset about. I know they are petty but they still hurt, and cause me problems.<\/p>\n

When Carol [Kerns] and Joanie [Pursley] were having this thing over Phil Blakey, (I didn\u2019t know that Joanie liked Phil or that you told Joanie to [not?] to talk to Phil), I asked her why she was flirting with him \u2013 as Carol liked him. (Something like this. Karen [Layton] really chewed me out and told me that you knew that Carol like Phil. She asked me why I was defending my daughter \u2013 and she was really snide to me \u2013 I felt really upset about this because I couldn\u2019t understand this \u2013 and I apologized to Joanie and yet I felt sorry for Carol. I just think that Karen was wrong to say that to me \u2026 that you knew Carol liked Phil and yet told Joan to talk to him. I felt that this caused division between you and I for I was hurt by this. Also, when I was having problems with worrying about myself physically this past month, Karen again was very snide with me and said to me that she know you had healed me of cancer but had I ever REALLY had cancer. (Joyce Parks also asked me the same thing.) I then had to say that I had had cancer that had been verified by biopsies. (And each time you healed me of cancer, this was also verified by tests and had been diagnosed as cancer). It just made me feel funny \u2013 like I was imagining things or as if this hadn\u2019t been real.<\/p>\n

And, I feel very concerned by Phyllis Chaikan [Chaikin]. She has a way of smothering people. I like my job in the medical department and I triy to do a good job, but I don\u2019t think it\u2019s right that Phyllis tries to own people 100%, which is what it is my opinion that she does. I like to do a variety of things \u2013 and she tried to make me promise to agree not to do anything else but medical work on my free time \u2013 this is caused me a lot of conflict \u2013 Sometimes, I help Christine and Karen \u2013 and I don\u2019t think that anyone has the right to tell anyone else what to do on their free time. I feel like I have to sneak and hide from her. It\u2019s a rotten feeling. Today, on my free time, I went to copy the news and I made a carbon for the medical department. Phyllis happened to come to the library where I was and I told her I had made a copy for the staff. She was very nasty to me \u2013 and when she gets like this she won\u2019t listen and she won\u2019t give a sincere kind of apology either \u2013 she comes off really mad. She makes me feel so guilty. It\u2019s like she wants to feel free to explode and have her moods and whoever is around is supposed to make room for her tidal wave. When she laughs we can laugh. When she wants silence, people<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-3b<\/p>\n

must be silent kind of thing. Most of the time she was very pleasant to work for but with her moods are unpredictable.<\/p>\n

I am also very insecure and upset over my relationship with Andy [Silver] and I\u2019m sorry to mention it. I wish I weren\u2019t so dependent on him emotionally and maybe I should end the relationship. I am sure that it\u2019s selfish of me but it hurts me that he can go four months without writing \u2013 I just thought that he could take ten minutes and send a note. I still believe that council had him go with me \u2013 especially when I don\u2019t hear. And then you said at our last meeting that there are people who have to be companions to people. Well, I don\u2019t want Andy to have to be with me. I don\u2019t want anyone to have to be with me. I know that he works hard \u2013 and I know that he\u2019s a fine and good person \u2013 but I also know that he is so dedicated that he would do anything to help someone else. I believe that you would care enough for me to have someone care for me \u2013 to help me get stronger. But I don\u2019t feel very strong right now. I feel weaker inside than I can ever remember. It\u2019s like I have a big sore inside of me. I have failed in everything that I have ever done \u2013 my jobs, my children, the Learning Crew, you, my relationships with people, (my ability to relate), I can\u2019t think of anything that I have succeeded in.<\/p>\n

I guess I thought that working with Helen [Swinney] would make me stronger somehow. I can picture myself going and working with Helen but I can\u2019t picture myself with Andy anymore. I care about him but I can\u2019t believe that he really chose me. It just makes sense to me that if he had wanted to write that he would have. And like you say, out of sight, out of mind. I do think that it\u2019s loving of you and of him to do this for me \u2013 to try to make me feel better about myself \u2013 but I\u2019m so confused about it. Also, I am feeling so old and ugly.<\/p>\n

After Karen chewed me out for defending Carol, I really got low and resentful. The Touchette and Swinney family setting upsets me. Day after day, they sit in the office and visit \u2013 and this causes personal loneliness for me and I\u2019m sure others. I don\u2019t understand it. Mom, Dad, their children, Grandma and uncle, all gathered together and I get chewed out for standing in Carol\u2019s corner. I haven\u2019t stood in Carol\u2019s corner many times.<\/p>\n

Also, it hurt me that Patty told you I had cried over missing Andy. This wasn\u2019t true. When Marthea [Hicks] came from the states, she had told me that if I was no longer with Andy that she wanted to write to Andy. I hadn\u2019t heard from him at that time for over four months. When Marthea told me this I was upset \u2013 and this is what I cried about. After a few days I told Marthea that she most certainly could write to Andy \u2013 (For what right did I have to interfere with a black sister if she wanted him and he obviously wasn\u2019t interested in me). I thought maybe they had been going together.<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-3c<\/p>\n

I try not to defend myself publicly and you had confronted me publicly about crying and missing Andy \u2013 so I didn\u2019t defend it. But I was hurt that Patty [Cartmell] didn\u2019t tell this straight. I never once asked that Andy come \u2013 and I have even repeatedly said that I thought it was great that he was there to help and that I wouldn\u2019t want him to come for my welfare, as he was needed there.<\/p>\n

Also, I wrote you a letter expressing my upset over the things you have to do for people. I said that I felt hostile towards the people that you have had to have sex with \u2013 I asked Karen to read the letter \u2013 I thought that maybe she could help me with my feelings in the matter as I feel very upset over this, and had cried about this. Karen asked me if I was jealous and said she doubted very much if anyone cared enough about you to cry over what you have to go through. I then felt embarrassed about my feelings and so I just dropped the matter.<\/p>\n

But since then I can see how beautiful these people are \u2013 and I feel especially guilty over Carolyn [Layton] who I have resented all these years for being so abrupt to me and for not taking time with me \u2013 I feel guilty because I am beginning to better see the overall picture and I\u2019m amazed at the great sacrifice that she has made \u2013 and I especially cringe at the thought of her in the prison for 6 months pregnant. This has gone over and over in my mind. Most of my hostility has been in defense of Mother [Marceline Jones] \u2013 but there is knowledge and understanding beyond what I have involved in all of this. I wish I better understood. I try to keep my mind on the end result \u2013 the feeding and saving of the masses \u2013 the changing of the people \u2013 their devotion to helping you save people. My small confusions are encompassed by the greatness that you are and that I have witnessed.<\/p>\n

I wish that I were stronger and I\u2019m sorry that I\u2019m not. I don\u2019t know why I bother to try to communicate with Karen \u2013 I guess because she and I have been so close \u2013 or I thought we were. She works so hard \u2013 and I\u2019m sure she means well. Like you told me once, I\u2019ve hurt a lot of people myself, and I try to remember this.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m trying to change my sharp tongue, Dad \u2013 I am confused at how I am supposed to be \u2013 at what you want of me. I don\u2019t know who or what I am supposed to be, how I am supposed to act. I feel guilty for going around acting sweet, for not writing people up when they deserve it \u2013 for not helping enforce the laws and letting you take all the heat. And then at the same time, I dread the hostility that I get \u2013<\/p>\n

Well, I\u2019m sorry that I have taken this much of your time. I do wish you would reconsider my going with Helen. Perhaps this [could]<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-3d<\/p>\n

keep my mind busy and I could learn to be independent. I think that I could do a good job. I don\u2019t see how I am so needed here and when Andy comes he won\u2019t be here anyway. I think that maybe he needs to be free. I know it would be very painful to me for a while but I will get used to it. You said you needed leaders. Andy is a wonderful and devoted person. Maybe he will be even stronger without me.<\/p>\n

Night before last I had this beautiful dream. I came that you laid some papers down and I look at them (they were laying open on the table. You had drawn a beautiful drawing with pencils, colored pencils \u2013 of clouds and birds. The clouds had great depth to them and the birds that you drew were beautiful and in the depth of the clouds you had written the names of people \u2013 I saw \u201cGrubbs\u201d and I don\u2019t remember who all \u2013 and I was surprised to see \u201cGrubbs\u201d, I guess because of my own hostility for him [Tom Grubbs] \u2013 but I had to realize that you love him too \u2026 he is your child too \u2026 and as I looked at this beautiful drawing, the clouds lit up and the words \u201cI am God\u201d illuminated. It was the most beautiful dream that I have ever had except for the dream years ago, when I dreamed that you came into a bar and got me out. I was sitting at the piano bar in this piano player in an old shabby suit came in and started playing the piano \u2013 and when I looked up, he became you and you leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and I drew away from you and you said, \u201cWhy do you turn away from God?\u201d<\/p>\n

And I have turned away from you a lot \u2013 I have disbelieved you, judged you, questioned you, been mad at you, been resentful of those close to you \u2013 I wanted more attention myself and I have resented you talking to certain people and not me. Yet, I don\u2019t know why you have put up with me.<\/p>\n

I really don\u2019t care as much about living anymore. I think a lot about Lynetta [Jones] and think a lot about being in my grave. It\u2019s hard for me to picture myself in a future kind of situation. I guess that this [is] why I am trying to create something for myself \u2013 like going with Helen. I don\u2019t know how to get stronger. I\u2019m sorry that I have let you down. and I am so sorry that I still have such a sky God concept of you.<\/p>\n

Penny.<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-5a<\/p>\n

Letter to Jim Jones from Penny Kerns Silver<\/strong><\/p>\n

9-7-78<\/p>\n

TO DAD FROM PENNY<\/p>\n

SOME OF THE TRAITOR IN ME (I wrote this the day after you asked for it)<\/p>\n

When I call Diane Mertle\u2019s house in SF I had it in mind to leave. This was after I had ran away twice. I was so insanely paranoid. I didn\u2019t believe that I was wanted \u2013 I wanted to get to Mertles and find out what was \u201creally going on\u201d as far as I was concerned. I thought that they would tell me the truth about how much I was hated and verify the bad things that I thought you felt about me. I think that I can truly say that I didn\u2019t want to hurt this cause when I can see now how I might have turned if they had convinced me that I wasn\u2019t wanted \u2013 (but I really can\u2019t face this in me, Dad because I find it too uncomfortable to deal with.) I had a plan of going to Mertles (a plan made up in a panic) and then getting a job an reporting to you on their bullshit. I wanted to escape the isolation \u2013 and I was deeply hurt because I had been kept off PT in that so many had been counselors and I was excluded. I thought that I wasn\u2019t trusted. I wanted to do my own thing and still uphold the cause \u2013 (I have liked to do the heroic type of things.) However, I can see that I was wanting an out \u2013 I thought that I wasn\u2019t wanted \u2013 and I\u2019m sure that if the traitors had had a chance, they would have told me terrible things to hurt me and try to make me change. When I realized the horror of my dialing that number, I ran to the church to tell Sharon A. [Amos] and Mother [Marceline Jones] what I had done. I still can\u2019t see clearly what all was in my mind, Dad. I know that I was deeply hurt over Ruth and Jeanette [Kerns] \u2013 I can\u2019t even think about them without deep pain. But I hate them as much as I have loved them. I couldn\u2019t face how evil they were and I brooded over them. I also had such great guilt over what I had done to hurt them before you found me. This guilt still haunts me. But not like the guilt that I feel from running from you and dialing that number. I am so ashamed that I could hardly hold my head up or look at you, Dad. I have questioned you \u2013 been furious with you \u2013 I have hated your leaders \u2013 I hated Mike Cartmell and Sue [Suzanne Jones Cartmell]. They were so hateful over the years. I used to think that if Mike were ever the leader that I would leave or die. And I feel this way now about Johnny Jones because he is so hateful at times. I am afraid of Johnny and I would rather die with you, than to be left under him. He hates me at times and is too quick to judge. I also think Johnny Jones Jr. hates me. Rational or not \u2013 I believe this and I don\u2019t want to have to live with the way they treat me because of my fear for them. I have been pissed because you picked so many people who were traitors for leadership. I was hurt because you accuse me of racism when I was on the Learning Crew \u2013 The problems I was having was with Ronnie James, not with Sebastian [McMurry]\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-5b<\/p>\n

and I sulked about this heavy confrontation. But I can see the racism in me. And I feel deep guilt for the years when I didn\u2019t help in any cause and did my own thing. I still don\u2019t care enough. Somehow people get psychotic from the capitalistic society. I keep hurts in my mind for years\u2026 I get pissed because you have your children around you and you want us to not have family type situations. I measure the things that you do. When people close to you hurt me, I assume that it\u2019s because you feel that way about me and blame you. I imagine that you and staff talk about me behind my back and scoff about me. I imagine that the way that Johnny Jones Sr. and Johnny Jr. treat me is because of your true feelings for me and they are unable to hide their contempt for me. I still sulk over the time that you confronted Ruth publicly in Redwood Valley and. accused her of having a van outside I later found that this wasn\u2019t true and it hurt me deeply. The van belonged to the family of the road who had a rest home. Her husband had had a flat tire \u2013 and Jack Beam and others had accused Ruth of having someone else with a tape recorder. I was crushed when I found out this wasn\u2019t true. And I hated Jack Beam for this \u2013 that night he had been so mean to me. Sometimes I wish I hadn\u2019t listened to you but wish I had gone to see her and tried to get her back. And sometimes I get furious with you because you trust too much and tell people too much. I nearly get sick from this. I was so upset when Ruth told me that you had told her and others that John-John was yours. I told her that you had deliberately made this up to find out who was telling shit on us \u2013 and that this lie was even on record in the safe at Eva\u2019s [Pugh]. I have been so confused over so many things. I have been so hurt because I sat in LA so damned long alone \u2013 and was so isolated and was never included. I never understood this and I still don\u2019t really. I adored you and my whole life was spent waiting for the buses to come \u2013 to see you but I hated your rejection of me. I have thought you play favorites with people and this has really upset me. I have had a hard time facing my hostility for you and my hostilities have made me feel very guilty. Like a hypocrite.<\/p>\n

I have thought of all kinds of ways to get out of here \u2013 of ways to send codes out \u2013 but I can hardly live with myself now. I get pissed because you have let me down \u2026 and asked me to pay my debt to you. You have interfered with my sky God consciousness and made me face myself and you have exposed me and my greed to others. Yet I am thankful for the sick guilt that you have relieved me of and you have replaced this with socialist guilt, which is constructive where the other is destructive.<\/p>\n

Something in me wants to correct everything \u2013 yet I am so incorrect within myself. It\u2019s been so hard to see the need of confrontation \u2013 and I have hated it \u2013 but it has made me stronger. I want you to know that when I came back each time, I came back because of you \u2013 not because of Andy.<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-5c<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to me that you know this, Dad. I knew and I know that I am worthless without you. I have to be purged of the Capitalist in me. I have questioned you, your motives \u2013 and yet you have done everything for me. I have been such an asshole. I do have a hard time coping with living without you and am convinced that I won\u2019t be able to exist when and if you die, so I will just die with you. Too many people in leadership hate me and I am sure would kill me. I don\u2019t believe the cause can survive without you, Dad, and I\u2019m sorry to say this. I don\u2019t want to sell my soul, and would rather just be dead with you and I did want to go with Peter [Wotherspoon] and help blow up some fascist leader. My life has been so worthless. I don\u2019t want to die sick, Dad \u2013 or of old age\u2026 I don\u2019t want to have a worthless life. Why can\u2019t I go with Peter and help them do in some of these fascist bastards? I am an excellent manipulator and can really con people. I\u2019m having some problems, Dad \u2013 and I hope that if I have cancer that you won\u2019t let me lay down and die. This is just panics the hell out of me. I had envisioned myself being shot down in the streets, Dad. Or at least imprisoned from killing a few people. Or maybe I could get Tim S. [Stoen] in a car \u2013 convince him that I left and take him off a cliff drunk. Or, maybe I could kill some fascist head of state, someplace. I don\u2019t want you to heal me if anything is wrong \u2013 and I don\u2019t want to lay down and die.<\/p>\n

Thank you for the time you have allowed me, Dad \u2013 with these people\u2026 Peter, Ernest, Tom and all the others. They have been so good for me. I just want to help liberate the people and I am just an asshole \u2026 less than an asshole.<\/p>\n

This is the most ridiculous goddamned revolution that I have ever seen \u2013 For ten years you have been telling us that we are going to fight a revolution \u2013 you have fed us great meals \u2013 giving us excellent care, save us from jails, death and suicide. You have saved and educated our children \u2013 ran us around the country continuously on air-conditioned buses \u2013 given us fabulous churches with wall-to-wall carpeting, free housing, free counseling, and then you bought us first-class plane tickets and flew us \u201cunable to function people\u201d out of that sick society and brought us thousands of miles away where you can watch over us, protect us, comfort us, teach us right from wrong, teach us about the pitiful conditions in the world \u2013 make us stop hurting each other \u2013 and then you keep going on \u2013 holding on when we try to figure out how to do our own elitist thing. And so here we are in the middle of this ridiculous revolution with foam rubber mattresses, great meals served three times daily, excellent medical attention, our laundry done for us, the security of a job, no rent to pay, no medical bills \u2013 no one is allowed to falsely accuse us \u2026 no jails, no gossip allowed \u2026 lots of good things to talk about \u2026 the news, candy every week or cookies\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-5d<\/p>\n

no bars \u2026 and the most wonderful climate I have ever experienced in all my life.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t feel proud of my traitorous thoughts Dad but I do appreciate the fact that I am free to tell you \u2013 though I hate to hurt you with all this sick bullshit.<\/p>\n

I just want to do my job and to do what I can to help others get well \u2013 you put so much time on me \u2026 and I\u2019m thankful for the time I am able to give others.<\/p>\n

I know that one day Peter will leave and go somewhere to die. I love Peter, Dad, like I love Jair [Baker] and Tom and Ernest. It\u2019s hard for me to love Sue and Marcia Simon but I\u2019m trying \u2026 and I feel a lot of pain thinking about Peter leaving and fulfilling this mission \u2026 it\u2019s really important to me to be kind to him and to make him feel as much like a human being as possible and to make him learn to face realities because he doesn\u2019t see a lot of things clearly \u2013 but he\u2019s better in many ways, though I would be horrified to trust him with children. I am trying to make Sue feel worthwhile Dad \u2026 and I am trying to make Marcie feel worthwhile too. These people are your children that you have entrusted to me and I have to do for them whatever is necessary to save them \u2013 (that I am able to do, that is.)<\/p>\n

I know that there are a lot of rotten things about me that I haven\u2019t even faced, Dad. I will try to look at it all and I will let you know the shit in me when I am able to see it.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry to hurt you with all this bullshit.<\/p>\n

Penny.<\/p>\n

Teaching people how to have sex so they can help save the world is probably the only pure motive for sex that there is. At first I was really uptight about this sex business but the more I think about it, the more loving and beautiful it becomes to me. I have been so hostile to Carolyn [Layton] over the years and now I get tears when I think of how great she is. Kimo [Jim Jon Prokes] is the result of a great revolutionary act and so is John [Victor Stoen] \u2013 and that makes them the most. I have never had sex to help another person and I\u2019m sure that no one has but you and a few other people that you have trained \u2013 and asked to help someone \u2013 which makes it an act of pure love. And I think it was beautiful of you to have sex with Peter to help him grow. I have been so messed up over sex Dad \u2013 and I appreciate my relationship with Andy \u2013 and his helping me overcome all my hangups. As far as my lesbianism is concerned, I can think of a woman sucking me off but it really repulses me thinking of sucking a woman off \u2013 you said that some of us would sell out rather than suck off a woman. I don\u2019t like to face that I feel this way. I think I would do it if I had to, Dad, even<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-5e<\/p>\n

if I had to swallow my vomit.<\/p>\n

I did want to add something about Tom Grubbs and Larry Schacht.<\/p>\n

TOM GRUBBS<\/p>\n

Bea [Orsot] told me last night that she thought you had really disarmed Tom when you praised me for my good relationship with Peter. She said that Tom has made it very clear to her the past several weeks that he thinks I am too hard on Peter \u2026 and this cleared the whole thing up. Tom has this thing for me, Dad. He is always trying to do me in. I also think that he thinks he is you. I know that this is ridiculous but he tries to come off like you in his ways \u2013 and now he has come up with this ridiculous hat \u2013 that isn\u2019t so ridiculous but it\u2019s just like your hat. And, when you have had him monitor the movies, I have seen him sit in your chair and tried to sit like you \u2013 can play with the mike like you do. He also tries to be \u201cloving\u201d like you are and creates this big \u201clove Tom\u201d image for himself, which makes me want to puke. I am concerned that he has a pocket-sized tape recorder in his room and has access to all this equipment. It would be simple for him to tape anything and slip it out with a guest or in a book. I think the time is completely out of it in his head.<\/p>\n

LARRY SCHACHT: It is my opinion that Larry has it in his mind to leave if he can figure out how to get out of here. He is extremely emotionally unstable and has several interchanging personalities, which interrelate and over which he has no control and doesn\u2019t seem to release exist. These personalities are more intermingled that [than] Pauline\u2019s were. If we could make Larry aware of them, so that he could control the ones in him that are acting out, perhaps he could stabilize. He is smart enough to pick up on this in himself and perhaps he would cooperate if this interaction were sanctioned by you. Providing the good in him is strong enough and willing enough to hold out until we can do in and suppress the parts of him that want to rebel. He has a devious part of him that wants to undermine others \u2013 a subtle gossipy side of him and he tries to build alliances on his behalf against others. (I will start making specific notes on what I am referring to. Today when I recommended writing to doctors for equipment, etc. he said he wanted to write a doctor in Brazil who wanted him to go into practice with him, then he put his head down and said, \u201cOh well, he\u2019s probably a fascist\u201d. I do think that Larry would contact this doctor if he could get out of here. I recommend that we pretend we are going to write all these doctors and find out this doctor\u2019s name and address so that in case Larry splits we can know where to find him.<\/p>\n

Thank you, Dad. Penny<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

Letter to Jim Jones from Penny Kerns Silver<\/strong><\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-7a<\/p>\n

3-7-78<\/p>\n

To Dad From Penny<\/p>\n

Dear Dad: You said last month that I had never been told about the sexual situations because you hadn\u2019t been sure that I could handle it. I have been having some problems with this, Dad. I have felt depressed and have had some nightmares. It upsets me that you have sex with different people but I know that you use sex to help people though I don\u2019t understand it. (I am probably threatened by this.) I have so many problems with my sexual feelings that I don\u2019t think I\u2019m jealous sexually but perhaps I haven\u2019t faced this. I do feel jealous on other levels, however. (That I\u2019m not included more etc. The same old bullshit). I know that I have wanted you to put your arms around me in an affectionate and loving way and this thought makes me want to cry \u2026 but I can\u2019t think about you having sex without thinking about your urinary problems and how miserable you have been. Patty [Cartmell] said once that we are like a bunch of leeches sucking your blood and I can see that\u2026 This morning I felt very depressed about this and wrote you a letter which I took to Karen Layton to read. She said she thought there was more to my being upset than what I had stated and that she said that no one really cares that much about you. (I came off like I was so concerned about you & was crying for you). So I tried to place the hostility in me and remembered \u2013 but didn\u2019t want to face that Ruth [Kerns] had told me about your wanting to have sex with Danny Phillips and that Jeanette [Kerns] was upset because she thought you wanted to screw David Wise. Ruth told me that John [Victor Stoen] was yours. I told her she was a liar. I felt hostility because I think that this is what made them turn and perhaps they would have stayed if they understood. They didn\u2019t understand \u2013 and I don\u2019t understand \u2013 but I do know that you have the knowledge of love \u2013 divine love \u2013 you know how to make bad people good, self[ish] people give \u2013 and I have to keep my mind on these things \u2026 for I know you are the Savior. I have been such a messed up person. A pervert myself (thinking of Peter [Wotherspoon] \u2026 and nothing that I ever did was for others \u2026 it was done for myself. Even my relationship with Andy [Silver] is based on how I feel \u2013 how he makes me feel \u2013 not on how I can make him feel.<\/p>\n

It depresses me to think of your having to have sex with different people. I believe that you having sex with men and some women is very repulsive to you. Karen asked me if I was jealous \u2026 maybe I am and I haven\u2019t faced it \u2026 but I feel uncomfortable about thinking about having sex with you and even sad. I can only think happily of you having sex with Marcie [Marceline Jones] and I get upset thinking of you with anyone but her. Which is probably caused by indoctrination. I know that I have questioned you a lot. I am not trying to question you in this \u2013 I am just trying to understand and to deal with my own feelings. I am not the dedicated follower<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-6a \u2013 7b<\/p>\n

who saw a great Leninist leader \u2013 I am a neurotic drunk who you lifted out of the gutter and have rehabilitated and whose life you have made somewhat worthwhile. I am trying to learn what you are teaching. I came back each time I ran because I know that I can\u2019t survive without you or this family \u2013 and I don\u2019t want to. I don\u2019t miss the states but I still crave alcohol at times. I am too self-centered \u2013 I feel that I have failed you almost completely \u2013 and that I failed you on the Learning Crew.<\/p>\n

I have wanted to help with security but feel that this is egotistical and that I am not needed. But I think I can be of help\u2026 I think that I am not wanted is a more accurate statement.<\/p>\n

I feel hostile towards the people you have had sex with \u2013 but they are such strong and sweet people. Perhaps I\u2019m jealous because they show me up and are close to you. I am trying to look at myself.<\/p>\n

Penny.<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

Letter to Jim Jones from Penny Kerns, \u00a0October 1978<\/strong><\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-15a<\/p>\n

14-10-78<\/p>\n

To Dad From Penny [Kerns]<\/p>\n

I have hurt you so many times. I have questioned you and your motives, when I should have had blind faith. I have wasted money when you were supporting me and my children. When you save my children from jail, suicide and every other damned thing, I was bitter because you didn\u2019t do enough and pined for them rather than be grateful to you; I have been jealous of those close to you \u2013 rather than face the fact that they work harder than I do and can take confrontation better than I. I would probably fall apart if you and the others didn\u2019t kiss ass up to me. I have made numerous suicide attempts out of the desire for attention. I obviously didn\u2019t want to die, I made sure that I didn\u2019t take too much of anything and then I always called for help right afterwards \u2013 so I was just being a stupid fool that picked a sick way for attention. Instead of looking at all the good I have nitpicked. I have tried to be \u201cimportant\u201d and look good when I didn\u2019t deserve it \u2013 I tried to be like Karen [Layton] or Carolyn [Layton] \u2013 or Mother [Marceline Jones] but I didn\u2019t have the ground work that they had. I have had to face the fact that I just have to be me and try to build from there, though it\u2019s hard for me to see myself. I hurt my children terribly and it\u2019s my fault that they aren\u2019t here \u2013 I have no one to blame but myself. It\u2019s too late and I owe a price for what I have done to hurt others. I hate the role of authoritarian and I would almost rather be dead than be on the PSU [Public Services Unit] \u2013 however I know that the PSU and the meetings are necessary to hold this work together and so I intend to support the thing that scares me the most. I have to take the risk of making mistakes in order to help keep the structure. I hate the structure but it is the structure that has saved me from the sickness in myself created by the capitalist society.<\/p>\n

I am no longer suicidal, Dad and I am grateful for this. And I love it here, Dad. If there is a heaven, it is being with you and this family. And although I get tired of the meetings too, Dad, I love being with you, in your presence \u2013 and I am not the only one who feels this way. Most of us adore you, Dad \u2013 you are our life and our leader \u2013 we know that we cannot make it without you. We had not one to care about us until you came along and gathered us up and enfolded us in your adoring arms and made us feel worthwhile and showed us how to help others.<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-15b<\/p>\n

The other day I was walking along the path and I heard Odell Rhodes singing a made up song about how much he loved you and Jonestown and that his Mother would be home in a few days. It wasn\u2019t a real song \u2013 but just things he was making up out of his head and that he was singing about as he walked along. I thought this was so beautiful \u2026 that he would humble himself and sing out about his love for his mom and his dad \u2013<\/p>\n

And when the seniors refer to you as \u201cmy daddy\u201d \u2026 it makes me just cry \u2026 because sometimes I slip and call you Daddy too. So many of us never had nice Dad and we need your love and attention in order to make us whole.<\/p>\n

I feel guilty for missing my children. They are such fascist bastards. But I swear to you, Dad, that I give very little time thinking about them. It makes me feel sick when I do \u2013 I force my mind to think another things that have to do with this cause. And I am thankful that you gave me the strength to refuse to have anything to do with Jeanette\u2019s baby \u2013 I\u2019m glad that I don\u2019t have that on my conscience. I also feel very guilty for running, Dad. I am so ashamed of this. I will never do this again. I swear to you \u2013 I will never do it again. When I heard you call all night for Ricky [Jackson], it just made me sick inside. When I ran, I couldn\u2019t relate to the fact that anyone really cared about me. I don\u2019t know why my sick mind thought you would drag me along with you for over ten years if you didn\u2019t. You sure didn\u2019t have to. I did run into the tiger that night, Dad. I know that they are there. And I was saved only because of you.<\/p>\n

I want to get stronger, Dad. I want to learn to care more about others. I want to work through this sick paranoia that I have. Thank you for the council \u2013 for making everyone care about others. Thank you for living this miserable life for us \u2013 and for making me stand up to my responsibilities. Thank you for saving the children, the seniors and for saving all of us. I know that you are the Savior. Although I know that I am hostile to you at times, I also know that I adore you. Thank you for making it possible for everyone to exist. Once Sharon Amos told me that you are always building. And this is true. Please keep building me, Dad, and helping me to build myself \u2013 so that I can get stronger. Please give the direction that I need to get stronger and kinder. Thank you for your beautiful socialist love.<\/p>\n

Penny.<\/p>\n

—–<\/p>\n

EE-3-LLLL-1 \u2013 LLLL-2<\/p>\n

Penny Kerns note to Jim Jones regarding Bea Orsot<\/strong><\/p>\n

2-11-78 To Dad From Penny: It is my opinion that Bea Orsot has her own severe case of emotional instability to cope with. At times she goes clear off, which is the case today. She gets uptight, hostile, walks around like shes in her own world, is short to people upon speaking \u2013 and acts like she is on some special mission. I am concerned about the way she acts at times and feel that she could push Tom [Grubbs] over the edge or into something emotionally \u2013 for she sometimes seems to get a kick out of aggitating him and watching him. She gets this super spy thing going and she also says she is with him implying because you told her to be with him. Now I think Tom is capable of killing \u2013 and I know I wrote it up to you, that I was afraid he would try to kill you with a bow and arrow \u2013 but she told me that you told her that he might try to kill you like this. The thing that bothers me about the whole thing is who else will she tell this to? And, what if someone makes a public statement like this? It would be very hot to handle, I think. The reason that I\u2019m writing this today, is because she was upset last night because Tom was in the book depository during the meeting \u2013 she went to him and asked him when he was going to join us in the service. And then today, she is so out of it emotionally \u2013 she goes into this trip as if she is in her own world kind of thing, which is hard to explain. But it is very emotional. She wanted me to keep track of when he came to the meeting. I have tried to encourage her to look for the good in him \u2013 to sort of balance the negativity \u2013 it seems to me that we should be do this with each other to bring out the good \u2013 but still watch for the other too \u2013 but after the public confrontation of Tom, she was still out to get him. She said she wasn\u2019t finished with him. I had recommended that she let you handle it and to be kind to him \u2013 to follow your lead sort of thing.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t trust Tom worth shit myself \u2013 but I don\u2019t think aggitating him and openly spying on him, etc, is the thing to do. He is no ones dummy.<\/p>\n

She had asked me to help her watch him on several occasions and in general, but I tried to do this in a low key manner. She gets really excited when she has a case building on him. I\u2019m not saying she doesn\u2019t have a good case and isn\u2019t right \u2013 but she really gets excited about it and laughs and really gets a big kick out of the whole thing\u2026 and then at times her emotions will switch and she will get moody and make some comment about how she cares about him. I really think that she hates his guts. I base this on the degrading way that she made fun of his penus and of how he operates sexually. I guess the thing that saves the day is the oral sex situation. I felt embarrassed for Tom over the whole thing. (I did write this up) I don\u2019t get along with Tom at times, but I don\u2019t think I\u2019m trying to do him in, sort of thing. I do think he\u2019s dangerous \u2013 but I don\u2019t think he should be aggitated. Bea makes it very plain that she is on a mission for you with him. That she was assigned to this a long time ago (evidently since she\u2019s been here). The problem is when she feels like if she runs around and alerts security and I\u2019m afraid that somehow this is going to backfire \u2013 Now if someone publicly says \u201cBea says Dad told her\u2026\u201d it could really be a hot subject \u2013 and open a can of worms in a lot of directions.<\/p>\n

Also, I don\u2019t think she sees her own instability. Though maybe she does\u2026 however, I have never noticed her touch upon it. She acts out her moods very intensely and they are very real to her but she doesn\u2019t seem to be aware of the change in herself and she is preoccupied with whatever is going on in her head. I think that her own acting out with jibing remarks make her situation with Tom a dangerous one. If she aggitates him into losing reality and she becomes his mother or the women that he hates \u2013 and I\u2019m sure that he does hate her now \u2013 and he pents his madness on her, it will be because she didn\u2019t control him, which she isn\u2019t trying to do. She should want to help control him, for himself and the welfare of this cause. I have explained to her how to do this \u2013 and he did get better when she did it. She needs to first control her own emotional fluctuations. Its hard to be around an emotionally ill person too much unless you understand what is going on \u2013 you can lose track of the sickness.<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n

Undated Self Criticism of Penny Kerns<\/strong><\/p>\n

EE-2-ij-16a \u2013 16b<\/p>\n

Self Criticism from Penny:<\/p>\n

I know that I get very defensive and talk too short with people. I am trying to change this \u2013 I also imagine that people don\u2019t like me and I care too much about this. I am trying to learn not to care. At times I kiss ass up to people to keep them off my case. I also find myself trying to manipulate people, but when I am aware of this \u2013 I tried to correct this.<\/p>\n

I do want you to know, Dad, that I am not suicidal anymore however and when I used to think about suicide I would even fantasize people going over my coffin looking down at me crying and I would think about how sorry they would be \u2013 I even thought about how I would make them pay for hurting me \u2013 for not paying me attention. Most of the time my attempts were games \u2013 I would just take enough of something to make sure that I would live through the whole thing \u2013 and I would even make a phone call for help to make sure I got saved in time \u2013 I don\u2019t think at the time that this was also well thought out but now I can see this is exactly what I had done \u2013 I would take the pills in an emotional outburst, but you see, I didn\u2019t really want to die, because I always called for help \u2013 I just wanted someone to care for me.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry I\u2019ve hurt you so, Dad \u2013 I can assure you that I\u2019m not suicidal anymore!<\/p>\n

Your daughter, Penny<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[Editor’s note: Several of the letters in this section were written in the summer of 1978, although many carry no dates at all. Others include date and month \u2013 eg. 9\/7\/78 \u2013 and while most Jonestown residents retained the American notation of dating (meaning this date would be September 7, 1978), others adopted the British\/Guyanese […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"parent":88177,"menu_order":3,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-126599","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/126599","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=126599"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/126599\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":131251,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/126599\/revisions\/131251"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/88177"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=126599"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}