{"id":31341,"date":"2013-07-25T16:37:11","date_gmt":"2013-07-25T16:37:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/alternativejonestown.com\/?page_id=31341"},"modified":"2021-07-24T14:51:23","modified_gmt":"2021-07-24T21:51:23","slug":"beck1","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/?page_id=31341","title":{"rendered":"Continuing On"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"30I was not in Guyana on November 18, 1978. I was still in Ukiah as a Temple member, working as a school teacher. My first reaction to the deaths in Guyana was shock and disbelief. With talk of \u201cavenging angels,\u201d murders in San Francisco of Supervisor Milk and Mayor Moscone, interviews by the Secret Service in San Francisco, we were as stunned as everyone else. In the days and months after, I was devastated but numb, my feelings pretty much pushed way down deep, put away somewhere, out of view and mind. Go to work. Carry on, somehow.<\/p>\n

In the days and weeks after, most people \u2013 including myself \u2013 didn\u2019t know what to say or do about any<\/i> of it.\u00a0 Not until several months later, when I saw a longtime friend and mentor, did I actually begin to talk about what happened. Words and tears all came tumbling out, mostly that the deaths of all the children was unforgivable.<\/p>\n

I continued teaching in Ukiah for another year and a half. Most people I worked with seemed supportive, but had become distant. I found a few surprises in sympathetic friends and colleagues that I hadn\u2019t expected. My parents were very supportive. And most of my old friends remained good friends. I think they assumed since I was still alive, I wasn\u2019t really<\/i> one of those crazy <\/i>PT folk. Not conscious of it then, I see now that I let myself hide behind that assumption.<\/p>\n

Though I worked in Ukiah, my attentions were scattered. I was finishing up studies at Sonoma State, with classes once and twice a week. Weekends were usually spent in the Bay Area as I renewed old friendships and returned to the gay community. In making new friends or dating, I learned early on not to mention PT. I wasn\u2019t in contact with other PT survivors, except for my (now) ex-wife. For more than three years after it all came down, she and I spoke on the phone almost daily.<\/p>\n

In June 1980, I moved to San Rafael, north of San Francisco, into studies for a Special Ed credential. I worked part-time and had some financial help from my parents. In 1981, I moved to San Diego. On my way through LA, Claire and Richard Janaro helped me get set up in San Diego. They were the only Temple members I kept in touch with over the next 25 years.<\/p>\n

I taught in San Diego until retiring in 2002. Half of that time I worked in an innovative charter school where the entire staff \u2013 teachers, secretaries, custodians \u2013 was like a family. Everybody went to staff meetings and were part of school planning. Staff meetings ended with everyone holding hands in a large circle, where comments of appreciation and recognition for work were shared. My first staff meeting blew my mind! It was like being back in PT again<\/i> \u2013 with a sense of community<\/i> and a conscious dream<\/i> of working together <\/i>to build something better. Not exactly the same, but it made my work very special.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/center>Since life in PT, I haven\u2019t been much of a joiner. No church or religious groups. Basically, I\u2019ve been single; emotionally, a loner. Two things now make a wonderful difference in my life. First, ten years ago I found a life partner, who now makes my life more complete. Second, I have reconnected with other survivors of PT through this website, The People\u2019s Temple<\/i> play and the California Historical Society (CHS).<\/p>\n

In 2005, I met Fielding McGehee and Rebecca Moore, who, it turns out, live only blocks away from me in San Diego. Through them, I contacted Laura Johnston Kohl and Neva Sly Hargrave, who also live in the San Diego area. Then Claire enticed me to see the play, The People\u2019s Temple<\/i>, written from interviews by Leigh Fondakowski. For the first time in 27 years I met with other PT survivors, an amazing experience. Strange, though wonderful. I felt like I had come home to a place where I had no need to explain myself.<\/p>\n

I learned that we were no longer divided, since there was no longer a Temple to be \u201cin\u201d or \u201cout of.\u201d What I found instead was the goodness that is still \u201cin\u201d all of us. We had once dared to dream and try to build a better world.<\/p>\n

Since then, I attend the yearly November services at Evergreen Cemetery and afterwards spend time at the California Historical Society, identifying people in photos. It is especially wonderful to share the photos together. If you can\u2019t recall a name, someone else can \u2013 with a flood of memories of those we knew so well. It is like finding a missing family album.<\/p>\n

Through the Jonestown website I have been working with FOIA materials from the FBI. I do this for a very selfish reason: to understand more and chronicle the work that was being done in Jonestown. I believe that more must<\/i> be told in order to recognize the people\u2019s dreams and efforts and \u2013 most important \u2013 to accord them the dignity they deserve.<\/p>\n

This has included transcribing the 1978 Journals of Edith Roller in Guyana, a project started by Michael Bellefountaine. From 1975 to the end, Edith Roller was always writing notes in services. In a meeting, once, Jim had said not to worry about this; that her notes<\/i> would later tell the story of PT. It never occurred to me that I would be part of reading and transcribing her notes to make the story available!<\/p>\n

Some Things That Have Taken Me Years To Resolve<\/b><\/p>\n

What to call it<\/i>?<\/b> I have never known what to call the events of November 18th. Over the years I have heard it referred to as: \u201cthe Jonestown tragedy,\u201d \u201cJonestown suicides,\u201d \u201cJonestown murders,\u201d \u201cNovember 18th ,\u201d and \u201cJonestown massacre.\u201d I seem to call it \u201cwhen it all came down,\u201d but I am not sure why, just fits for me.<\/p>\n

How could something be so good and then end up so bad?<\/b> It was not until I saw the play and met with other survivors that I realized that PT could be both<\/i> good and bad. Seeing, speaking to, and hearing other survivors made me realize that what was good about PT was \u2013 and still is \u2013 the goodness we all brought into the Temple community. A goodness that flourished because of the trust we had in our community. A trust in a leader that was ultimately betrayed. When I gather with other survivors, I still feel the goodness of PT<\/i> thatwe all<\/i> shared in having given <\/i>so much in trying<\/i> to build a dream of something better.<\/p>\n

Whose fault was it?<\/b> Why am I still here? It\u2019s a question of guilt for all the deaths in Jonestown. Aside from Jim, it\u2019s no one\u2019s fault. Everyone was doing the best they could at the time, by leaving or by staying. Dividing us<\/i> by who left and who stayed no longer has meaning. Ultimately, if blame<\/i> must be give, then we all<\/i> share in it. Why didn\u2019t each and every one of us question more, challenge more, speak out more? Some did, but too little, too late. As a survivor, I carry on. I am not changing the whole world, but I do what I can, speaking up and participating where and when I can.<\/p>\n

Why the continuing media attention? <\/b>With only a few exceptions, press, media, and writers over the years seem stuck in the ending, bringing it up over and over, not to clarify so much as to exploit the easy write of the gore and frenzy of the final hours. Those \u201cnew looks\u201d at well-established facts and well-known events leave everyone stuck. They serve only to diminish the people of PT and preserve the impression that we can learn nothing from what happened. That is wrong, because there are important lessons about placing trust in our leaders; about challenging them to be trustworthy; about questioning ourselves, family, community, and country; about speaking up on many levels.<\/p>\n

What do I carry with me from PT?<\/b> Many things. What I learned during my years in the Peace Corps was continued in the Temple: more understanding of people, social responsibility, community, politics, and so on. As with Peace Corps, though I came back more critical<\/i> of the U.S., I also believed more deeply<\/i> in what can and should be. I know people can work together, and how a supportive, cooperative community can look.\u00a0 More fundamentally, I know what community is and miss it terribly! I have found that when survivors get together, it\u2019s almost magical as the feeling of community reignites, warms and electrifies me up and down the back of my neck.<\/p>\n

What do we survivors need now?<\/b> For the past four years over the Fourth of July, PT survivors have met in San Diego.\u00a0 The time together has been awesome for it gives us a chance to talk and laugh together, something we all need. The Jonestown website and the July gatherings both need to continue doing what they do!<\/p>\n

Moments I remember that still make me smile or laugh include: <\/b><\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0The children\u2019s choir singing \u201cWelcome, Welcome All of You\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Patty Cartmell and Jack Beam doing comedy sketches<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Don Sly teaching swimming in the Temple pool to kids on Monday nights<\/p>\n

\u2022 Claire Janaro dancing in her own marvelous way in the children\u2019s section at meetings<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Chris Rozynko jumping up and down like a pogo stick in meetings while we sang<\/p>\n

\u2022 Joyce Touchette with Mr. Muggs<\/p>\n

\u2022 Going places in the \u201cold green\u201d school bus (before the Greyhounds)<\/p>\n

\u2022 Seniors teaching preschoolers how to make a salad in the senior center<\/p>\n

\u2022 Diane Wilkinson singing most any song<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Eva Pugh\u2019s chili for Wednesday night meetings in Redwood Valley<\/p>\n

\u2022 Melvin Johnson singing \u201cWalk a Mile in My Shoes\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2022 Cleaning up rest areas in California, D.C., wherever.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Marching in Fresno for the Sacramento Bee<\/i> reporters<\/p>\n

\u2022 PT Bake Sales<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Eating greens in San Francisco and Los Angeles<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Patty Cartmell singing \u201cGoing Home\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2022 Jack Arnold and the band<\/p>\n

\u2022 Reenie Jackson teaching karate exercises<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0The children\u2019s summer trips to Oregon and Mexico<\/p>\n

\u2022 24-hour vigils to bring someone off drugs<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Pop Jackson\u2019s smile in Jonestown<\/p>\n

\u2022 Tropical rain showers<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0The quiet of shafts of sunlight shining through jungle foliage<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

(Don Beck<\/strong> was a member of Peoples Temple for ten years. He <\/em>directed the Peoples Temple children\u2019s choir during its Redwood Valley years and made several trips to Guyana during its pioneer days. Beginning about 20 years after the tragedy, shortly after this site went online, he became one of its most dedicated researchers, transcribing Edith Roller journals, reviewing and analyzing Jonestown records released through the Freedom of Information Act, and compiling them for the first section of documents on the Jonestown Research page<\/a>. He also contributed numerous articles and remembrances. Most of those writings may be found <\/em>here<\/a>.) <\/em><\/p>\n

(Don died on July 9, 2021, following a lengthy illness. He was 78.)<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was not in Guyana on November 18, 1978. I was still in Ukiah as a Temple member, working as a school teacher. My first reaction to the deaths in Guyana was shock and disbelief. With talk of \u201cavenging angels,\u201d murders in San Francisco of Supervisor Milk and Mayor Moscone, interviews by the Secret Service […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"parent":31480,"menu_order":2,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-31341","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/31341","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=31341"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/31341\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":110676,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/31341\/revisions\/110676"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/31480"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonestown.sdsu.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=31341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}