[Editor’s note: Even though these next two pages are in the file marked “Carolyn Layton,” they are in fact notes from Carolyn Looman, another Temple leader with the same initials.]
BB-23-o
Feb 13th
TO: JJ
RE: Stateside behavior
FR: CRL [Carolyn Looman]
While in the states I did many things that I never expected to have to face. I certainly didn’t expect to feel the guilt that I feel now, nor did I anticipate that my conscience would be hunted like it presently is. At the time I crowded my mind, kept in motion, so I wouldn’t have to think, feel guilt, so I could escape. I have a terrible time dealing with guilt appropriately. Although I know that death is totally unacceptable to you, I often fantasize a tragic accident, a fatal snakebite, anything but guilt.
The three worst things that I did were:
1. I stole over $250.00 from Patty C., when she was leaving she evidently withdrew thousands of dollars from some account. She left the money laying around, exposed on the dashboard of an unlocked car etc. I just took it. I also ripped SB [Sandy Bradshaw] off frequently.
2. I was unaccountable with my time. I would go in cycles of working, work hard day and night on a project, even drugery and when it was over and there was no urgent or pressing project (by my own standard of judgment) I would slack off and slide by.
3. I drank a few times after ripping off some PR liquor. I got drunk once, late one night I drank a full bottle of alcohol and passed out. I woke up to vomit all over the floor of my room in the PA room. I crawled to the door, could hardly open it and I don’t know how I made it down the ladder and to the restroom and back up again. The next AM I had to get up at 6:00 AM and had the worst headache I’ve ever had. KL [Karen Layton] and I had to go to skid row to locate drunks to leave messages for our dear ex-members. It was totally unpleasant and I never desired to drink like that again.
Why??
I deeply regret that I viewed myself as a person who was owed something. I love myself hostility, resentments, rationalizations. “If PC or SB could have an unlimited expense account, then I could have a share of it.” I felt it was my right to have the opportunity to do everything wrong that I saw others do. Disgustingly, I never felt strongly about my right to live up to principle that was demonstrated all around me. I dislike myself, and the same pattern that I have of totally discounting other people comes home to me and I know that there is no way that I can be considered a decent person. I resolve not to give up and give in to this but at least act like I am capable of being principled. I am often desired to die heroically because I feel that it would be the only way to halfway validate my existence. Life does not provide the dramatics necessary to fulfill our fantasies so instead of meaningless apologies, I would like to cont. to plod along. I appreciate the opportunity you have given me to work with children because children mean a lot to me. I will continue to work a day and a 1/2 in the field and several hours a day per week, and trying to be humble when I am not to be.
I have made a real effort to put a muffler on my motor mouth and not start off negativity. I think that I have made drastic improvements in that area, and don’t even do work with Sarah [Harriet Tropp] anymore.
It doesn’t account for much in the balance but I have never gotten involved sexually with any outsider when the opportunity arose in the states.
—–
BB-23-p
TO: HILL [code name for Jim Jones]
RE: Mr. Edward John, the man with the chickens
FR: CRL
Oct. 28th
Particularly noteworthy:
– His wife works in the US EMBASSY in the POLITICAL SECTION. She is African born, Ivory Coast.
– He is a member of the GDF and really avoided answering what his specific job or role was, mentions something about being plainclothes man.
– he mentioned something about visiting the project
Details:
– everything that he proposes to go for us is above board and has been done for others. He approached his supervisor about helping us out and the man said that he had never been approached himself by any of our members.
– they have the most successful farm in the country and produce too much for their own consumption.
– he said that they will slaughter the chickens for us.
– they will give us a variety of seeds
– they produce a lot of pumpkin, dislike it and would like to give some away.
– they catch so much fish that at times it goes to waste.
– he said that he would like to take a group down to pick the fruit and he came looking for the house so he could do that (he couldn’t find the house at the time).
– he was very much impressed with the scale model of the project.
– he will be in contact with us again.
(I had to type this in a hurry and am not sure I have the full details because I haven’t been able to talk to everyone involved in the situation. We are proceeding cautiously in view of his connections, we are looking the gift horse in the mouth. But we don’t want to miss out on benefiting from his generosity.)