BB-31-a-173
Very Personal – For Jim’s Eyes Only
Re: Problem with wife – From T.
To Jim: BE CAREFUL: MY WIFE IS ABOUT TO ASK YOU SOME LOADED QUESTIONS. Please be advised about the following train of events.
1. On Thursday, July 8, my wife at noon stated she “couldn’t go on” living with me because I was chasing other women in the church, and that she must not be meeting my needs, that I was immature to have to do this, and that she was tired of people laughing at her because of rumors circulating about me, and that people look at me as if to say “what’s with him, anyway.” She cried, and said her pride couldn’t take it and that she was leaving me.
I argued that I was not “chasing” women, that I wanted to “help” women who needed attention based on respect as well as physical and that she could know this by the fact that the three women who I had shown an interest in were not at all the beauty-queen type I had always previously been exclusively interested in. I said that if her analysis of my motors were correct I would be chasing Sandy Ingram [Bradshaw] and not MB, or LA, or LS. She replied that I admired strength (and therefore founded in LS), wisdom (in LA) and black sexuality (in MB), [interlinear insertion illegible] & said she had promised before we got married that I could go out with other women and she could not accuse me of duplicity. She did not deny this (for she had said it would be to go out and I shouldn’t be a slave, etc. – although the reason she said this probably was due to my telling her before the wedding she was free to go out with other men if she wanted to, etc.).
She specifically asked me question after question about LS, including, “Tell me, yes or no, did you ever place (L.S.’s) hand on your penis of all places, in your office and did she find this revolting? I hesitated for quite a full moment & quietly said “yes.” I did so because I felt that the question was an acid test of my willingness to be truthful and that she was truthful in saying she had reliable sources for this knowledge. I then said I didn’t know she found it revolting.
I felt as I saw her cry two inches tall and heard her accuse me of using her, letting her cook meals, clean the house, wash the clothes, have no spare moments for her but have them for other women.
She said that LA had come up to her and said “that [T.] of yours doesn’t turn me on at all.” [I had asked my wife if I could have physical relations with LA because she needed them, and my wife and then said okay] Ever since approaching LA, LA has been aloof and a trifle hostile – she has stated to my wife I have an ego problem.
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BB-31-a-174
I drove down that afternoon with my wife to see her gynecologist. She told me I don’t know how to deal with people and am insensitive and lack empathy. I can now see that substantially she’s right.
During the course of the afternoon I cried myself and felt near hysterical at the thought of losing my wife, whom I really do love (insofar as I know anything about it, which, indeed, is limited). She said I didn’t want to lose her because of embarrassment in the eyes of my friends and of my church. I reaffirmed over & over that I love her. (Incidentally, my wife was very shaken up by the Wednesday night meeting. She feels that everyone is going to hate her for being pregnant, as evidenced by L.S.’s remark that people who have babies should pay [illegible word] for them. After the comment about the big wedding, she said she wanted to scream and run out of the church. She is particularly uptight at the fact that various men think she has wanted to fuck them because she has been friendly to them – she is irate about this and tends to compare outside men as more decent and being able to relate to her without ulterior motives.)
Anyway, the main problem came about on the way home from Santa Rosa. She kept asking me about LS and whether we had ever held hands. I answered yes. She then asked: “Did you ever kiss her and did she ever kiss you.”. She knew I answered “yes.” Then I saw a bit of shock in her eyes and sensed that I must have tarnished your standing in her eyes. She stated she was going to leave the church, that she just had a very important question to ask you, that she wanted to reach you whatever you. were (I became near-hysterical, feeling I was responsible for leaving the church. She calmed me down.) She asked me how long this has been going on. I said “two months.”
(It then dawned on me that what probably happened is that you had told her that LS had found my touching her revolting. I had stated to my wife before this point that I didn’t actually think LS found me revolting and was surprised to here [hear] her say that, that I thought LS liked me. She had said “no show, that relationship is rigged. LS doesn’t like men. What makes you think she would like you?”)
I know the only thing that keeps my wife in the church is her belief in you. I felt terrible about saying LS liked me, and I tried to explain that my ego is so great that I could not, until now,
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even accept the thought that a woman would not like me and thus my vision was distorted, as was my judgment, about the whole thing.
(What amazes me is how she learns all these things. She says that LS and LA have compared notes about everything I say or do to either, that Edith B. knows about MB and won’t look my wife in the face, and that PC things I took a physical interest in her daughter T. because I told her how beautiful T. was and T. had told her mother I put my arm on her shoulder. I did not take a physical interest in T. and my wife does believe me on this. My wife states that KL went around telling people I was “compensating” with her. I was, but only after KL had first started to brush her arms against mine when we were sitting discussing business once. Meanwhile I’ve commenced adopting a 6-inch rule like at Bob Jones University with respect to KL, LA, and anybody else my wife might be concerned about. KL is the only person other than those mentioned herein I feel I have compensated with.
I feel terrible in having to burden you with all of this, but I do so only because you asked me to write down my feelings in an effort better to understand myself.
I tried to repair the damage and be as objectively truthful as possible that night in bed. (I had started packing my suitcase telling my wife I was not fair to cause her so much hurt. (I had previously reminded her that the s_____ way was to share husbands and wife and what she was not willing to be s_____. That did make an impression, I think, for she shifted her tone a little bit and became more calm in saying that maybe we should not live together because we had different philosophies and she wanted me to be free.)
In bed that night, I said, “You know, _____, I was wrong when I told you LS liked it. She was cold, really cold. Now I’m starting to see this. I pushed myself on her and couldn’t until now bring myself to believe she didn’t want me to touch her.”
Then my wife said, “Now this is extremely important to me. I must have the exact answers. When I show shock in my face it was not because of what you said, it was about someone else.”
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BB-31-a-176
She then asked the following questions:
- “When, before MB or after, did Jim tell you he wanted LA and you to get together?” My answer: “After – 2 or 3 weeks ago.”
- “Why did you at first, upon MB’s bringing it to my attention, first try to bring Jim into it saying Jim felt she needed a physical relationship? [Maybe she said: “by implying Jim wanted you to do it.”] My answer: “Jim never told me he wanted me to relate to her physically. I just assumed it because of what he said about her being one of the most sexually deprived women in the church. I misunderstood him, which became clear to me upon reflection.”
- “Did Jim not come to you and say ‘what’s the big idea saying I asked you to get involved with MB?'” My answer: “No, he didn’t. Nothing of the sort.” [Marginal note: “Patty [illegible word]”]
- “Why are you doing all this. Did Jim ask you to get involved with MB?” Answer: “No, I just felt sorry for her, particularly after watching her cry out her frustrations and not being an intellectual etc. at Linda [illegible name] one night.”
[Marginal note: “You’d Patty [illegible word] be satisfied with you.”]
- “Did Jim ask you to get involved with LA?” Answer: “No, I just thought she was sad and it would be therapeutic to have a physical relationship with someone who respected her.”
- “Did Jim ask you to get involved with LS?” No, I felt sorry for her. Shoes having a hard time with her husband, who wanted sex and she didn’t. I respect her immensely. It was nearly brother-sister type. I consoled her. I have never had sexual intercourse with her and I do not intend to.”
- [Asked before this: “You love LS, don’t you?” Answer: “Yes, but not in the way you are thinking. I could never be married to her. I want a deep friendship with her. You are, and I swear this, the woman I want to live with.”
After these questions my wife did not specifically say she wanted to talk to you. But she did later ask something vague about it.
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She did sleep with me that night. But she was too distraught to go to work Friday, so she stayed home until 3 PM and I stayed home with her.
I have told her that I do love her, but I’m willing to give these outside affairs up if it means not losing her, that I will try to spend more time with her, be more sensitive and kind, and will try to do more of my church test work at home rather than at the office. I also told her I would not mind it if she had physical relationships with other men if she felt she was helping them. This is hard for her to believe but I think she does a little.
This is written Saturday, July 10th in the afternoon.
Sincerely, after “Two days of hell,” Your friend T.
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[Editor’s note: BB-31-a-193 – a-197 is a duplicate of the above.]