October 25, 2008
I read with interest what you wrote about me, and everything you said about me is true. In the last decade, I have had tocome to terms with so much failure in my past with the loss of character, judgement and integrity, through long hours of psychotherapy with both psychiatrists and psychologists. And though I attribute much of my evil activities (which I acknowledge hurt so many good people like yourself & your husband) to the Scientology cult and its intelligence division, Office of Special Affairs (OSA) which did an outstanding job of manipulating and molding a gullible, mentally-fucked up student, with low self-esteem and seeking validation… I take full responsibility for my actions.
I currently live in Los Angeles where I have lived since 1998. I have a lawyer, Graham Berry, whose constantly crossing swords with Scientology and has done all he can, legally, to protect me from cult retaliation, though I have been very active in protesting the cult and informing the public about the truth of the cult.
I continue to harbor a lot of guilt and shame from my past and I know that saying I’m sorry to you & Fielding can’t wash away all the harm & anguish I caused you two in the past. You make some comments in your story on me that I don’t remember but have no doubt occurred. What I have found both amazing & disturbing over the last 10 years working with psychs & other mental health counselors is how much I started to recall memories & incidences of the past that I wasn’t able to remember when I was in Scientology or in the years afterwards when I testified in civil cases adverse to the cult… memories that I would like to forget … memories that would land me in prison.
Today, as attorney Graham Berry can tell you, I have been living my life and doing the right thing and creating a journey of some reformation for my past. Although many counselors have said I can’t hold myself responsible for actions while under the mind control of a cult, I still feel pained by the horrible things I did including helping Scientology cause the collapse of the CAN.
And though I continue to quietly protest & speak out vs. Scientology, there are those that prefer to see me dead & buried (and have said so) or deemed me incapable of forgiveness because of my Scientology actions. I can’t erase the past but I can dictate my future in some manner. And it is my past actions that provide me the incentive to do good deeds today.
If you’re wondering why I am emailing you now, it’s because I just read the LA Weekly story on the Chaikin family and their demise in Jonestown. I saw the reference to you & Fielding in the article and Google your names and found your site. I hope someday you & Fielding will find it in your hearts to forgive me in some small way.