[Editor’s note: Both the context of the nature of the woman code-named “Teko” – as described here but also in Mark Lane’s diary – as well as the comparison in handwriting on page 1 with pages 6 and 7 of this PDF, reveal her to be Temple leader Sandy Bradshaw.]
You do have a mark – I kind of like it – but sorry – I know it’s hard to explain. I’m not really so sorry from my standpoint – I like even a momentary claim mark – I’m that possessive.
I wish mine could last longer – but they too are hard to explain away logically – esp. when ‘fat one’ knows exactly what they are. She’s the one I worry about – she can seem to smell it.
and ok ‘I needed that’ – thank you. Of course I need more – of other things – I don’t deny that – but I swear – anytime – I’ll take whatever I can get.
Wonder what Mike thinks… I hope that doesn’t commit you more there.
It was so good – you are the best. My all to you – always… And always.
I assume you know if the opportunity arose tonight – or anytime soon – I would gladly comply –
Again – I wish to communicate with you – but time is limited as to whether it is done effectively or not. So many things to say – and so limited as to creative ways of doing it.
I am sorry for your pain – sorry I ever give you any – And sorry I can do nothing about helping relieve. I’m very sorry that I mentioned anything about that woman I spoke about wanting sterilization. I usually think things out then I tell you a little better – but that was a new thought – and seems so logical – and I did not think all the way through the motives etc. and how it might affect you.
I knew it would be painful – but somehow I did not want to do something that was against the scheme of things. And I think too that woman may have wanted to hear something like – “no – things will be different in the future” – or maybe she wanted to hear how much he would have liked her to bear his child – even if she never would. For you know how she loved children – and how she would have felt giving birth to his life. I’m sure that some of that “romantical” nonsense was working in her mind too. Anyway – I am sorry that I ever mentioned it – and I will tell that woman to do nothing in haste.
I feel a sense of loss about this life – not so much personal pain – but more of loss. As I think back – I remember times of your pain – inescapable times. Times when my own pain was so minimal. I remember so well when you first told me of G- and what the coming event was. How the pain first made me think of leaving – had it been any other person – I would have. But it was so very clear – that your own pain was that much worse than my own. The full extent of your love then was so obvious.
And obvious too is your constant suffering. It is suffocating to deal with – since my own inability to help you is also very obvious. There is tragedy about these lives, and I suppose in the same sense – grandeur of sorts – but the pain obscures the glory.
And duty obscures the pain. So much for that…
I know these last 2 times – that what was planned on would not take place. Because – it had again moved from becoming an added ‘attraction’ to a desperate need. I know that when I do not have needs under control – the “gift” of the situation is denied. I truly believe that much of what goes on like that – is influenced by what is going on in the head. A Socialist can not have desperate needs – it is that simple.
I get so repressed in my feelings around the person that I love – that sometimes I think I’m too repressed to do the lovemaking up right. If there were time – and the opportunity – I would like to take my lover and do many tasty and lustful things – my lover makes me feel very lustful – and aggressive. Now there is a good activity too often denied. But I relish in so many beautiful memories.
The times are busy – and that is good. Pressures keep the mind from getting lost in the frustration of it all. The end seems far, far away. But yet – so very near. I am enough to get through this life time – and so grateful for purpose. All else seems superficial.
I wish there were words to tell you all that is in my heart… I wish there was a way to ease your pain. But there is no way to go – but through… I give my very best to you…
In deepest faith – Teko
I certainly don’t feel the necessity to write my feelings from your direction – you have never asked anything from me. You have only given and given. But you know how full my heart gets at times – and then I will have to tell you – for my benefit.
I miss you very, very, very much. I think about you so many times a day – your absence is haunting. The separation is like a continual mourning.
I know this is the most painful, difficult time for you – for I know how much you love all the people and want to see them safe together.
I have no illusions about the extent and depth of your suffering. I wish I could do something, anything to ease that burden. You, in your kindness told me late one night, through Larry, that I helped with your pain. That was nice of you – but I know where I fit in the whole perspective.
I am so grateful for all that there has been over the years – I have absolutely no regrets.
It was like being blind all my life – and then having sight – having beautiful, full vision for the first time ever. So you know – when those moments are no more – there can never be any regrets – because I was given something I had not had before… I have no loss – only beautiful memories.
I would like to see you very much. But you know – I don’t expect it. Not even to see you again.
I don’t feel right leaving here until most of our people get out. I know it can be done with without me – I’m certainly not irreplaceable. But I feel I should stay here as long as I legally can. If I stay low, I should be able to stay until something heavier gets underway.
I am just so afraid something will happen – pain to the people – and there will be no one here to avenge. You know how important that is to me – it always has been. As long as things are going well there – I promise I will not do anything rash. But if things falter – I feel I have to be here until I know.
If there is no other way, I will come with Vera, but if there were any other way – I would prefer she go with someone else. I’ll do whichever though – you know that.
This cause is my life – and you are the center of it. Just being able to see you makes life that much better. The pain is there – pain is just another word for living – but you make the pain less –
I send you all my love. The deepest of feelings that I have. You have given me so much – what I have to offer in return is so little in comparison. You know all my faults and limitations – they are many.
But one aspect of me that I am certain of – and that is my loyalty to you. To you as a person – there can never be another man for me – that I know as sure as death awaits – I can only belong to you – ever.
And to you as this Cause. All the major decisions have been made in my life – all the so-called conflicts resolved – except how to die.
[Page 2 of letter]
Life is simple – no longer complex – the main purpose is now – just to stay alive. And that I have promised you – I will be conscious of – and work at.
I have even written my own epitaph:
Who was she? Just somebody.
What did she live for? Justice.
What did she die for? Injustice.
Was her life that simple? Yes…
I have no hope of life ever being worth living for me – but I know that it can be for so many others – if I help to bring it about. And that is all I need – that and your love – which I know is always with me.
I am sending you copies of the poems I wrote several years ago – you are the only one I have showed them to. They are not good – but they are my feelings. You know how I cover my feelings. But I wanted you to have them again – and also a favorite picture of mine.
On looking over them – I guess my outlook on life could be called somewhat ‘morbid’ – pessimistic to say the least. But I do have feelings of ‘hope’ that I don’t often convey. I just wanted you to know that. I have great feelings of hope for humanity because of you – because of what you are doing. It doesn’t matter – but I do feel that this world will not be the same ever – because you have been here. You have sacrificed so much. Your vision has been so strong and clear.
I love you, love you, love you. I just wanted to tell you that again – for my sake. You are always close to me – and your presence gives me great peace. Thank you for so much. You are everything to me. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have given.
All my love…
Dear Pastor Jones,
It is very difficult to write this – as it is embarrassing to confess one’s perversions. Despite your tolerant counseling and understanding of my lesbian activities – my conscience can no longer bear to carry this.
I have not stopped seeing Cynthia (who is not a member of our church) and have continued my active sexual relationship. I know that it is not a natural thing – but I get no greater pleasure and to have her go down on me – and me on her. We have even strapped on those dildoes (artificial penises) as to derive greater orgasm.
I am never experienced such sex – and refuse to give it up – I am very –
[page 2 of confession]
sorry that I have not grown out of this animal perversion – I know I will never change in this area.
I am sorry – but that’s the way I am.
I would hope with all the inconsistencies you have around you all the time – that I could be some kind of constant factor. I ‘love’ you – and have thought long and hard about the knowledge I have both you and the circumstances of your life. When you said that to KL the other night – I first thought that was strategy – a diversion. I thought I didn’t think it was true. But then I thought – well it may be true and that something about me prohibited you from being as free. I never for a moment doubted that you loved me. But at the same time – I felt I could accept you feeling freer in a certain area around someone else.
I don’t feel that your love for me is – or should be mutually exclusive of other areas or people. But I do have a hard time with the ‘physical’ part. I do not like sharing that at all. And especially in the sense that I know you don’t enjoy any part of it / I think I would feel differently if you did get something out of it. I could almost accept that easier – you know – if you got some sort of release – and not just pain.
It hurts to hear you say that you know so much has gone down that even if you meant what you said – nobody would believe you anyway. I feel that comes to me – and I don’t know how I can convince you that I do believe you and the things I hear will not make a difference.
There have been too many things between us; too many years; too many talks; too much sharing of small things/ too many complete moments of lovemaking. Too many painful situations that have been worked through.
It is like the same questions keep coming up and have to be dealt with until a decision is made and then the question is dropped. For instance – my suicidal feelings – I have dealt with them for so long – and have decided it would be “anti-” to do it – (and I had promised you I never would and I understand the reasons against it)
But when I was so depressed in Sept. – I again thought of it – closer to home than the usual casual thought of death. But I never seriously considered doing it – even though I was preoccupied with not wanting to live. – It was almost as if the “answer” were settled when I masochistically suffered with the “question”. And I can’t deny that I ‘like’ to be depressed in a certain way – (I know my masochistic tendencies in some areas.)
Just as at times – I ‘want’ you to know my suffering (as a subtle attempt at manipulation) but then at the same time – I do not want you to know because of the pain it causes you. In some ways I have overcome the desire to manipulate you – in other ways – I have not.
Considered also – many times was the possibility of leaving – both you and the cause. It was equally rejected for a number of carefully thought out reasons – but again it doesn’t mean that the thought never crossed my mind during some particularly painful moment. It’s just that I know my answer – so felt ‘safe’ in indulging in the masochistic agony of the topic.
[Page 2 of note]
The same with loving you – it has been painful at times (painful mainly because of selfish reasons or expectations) that I thought – if I could get out of it – I would. You know that I have considered it – and I don’t make decisions one way or the other – lightly. I’m never satisfied with quick decisions or decisions based on emotions. When I say that I have considered all these things carefully – and to great length – I seriously mean it. I am not an arbitrary person.
I have decided the answer long ago to the question of living for the cause; staying here until the end; and of loving you no matter what…