Thursday, July 27, 1978
I have done a letter reflecting since I got here. Before I came in, you asked me if I would ever leave. I said, “No.” You asked how I knew. I’ve thought about it a lot and today I came to a conclusion which gave me some peace the more I reflected on it.
I believe in Marxism and communism and being in this situation I am in now (and lifestyle), I am out of place. I don’t like it and would never fit into such hypocrisy. But I think Marxism is only as good as its leader and I believe totally in you. I never realized how much I believe in you in your example of communist leadership until I was forced to do some introspection and displaced in a countervailing atmosphere of anarchy and capitalism.
It was important to me what you did on the radio that night when you risk your all to keep me from being what I saw myself as – an extendable piece of meat. I feel selfish and foolish on reflection, and an enormous amount of guilt that I would force you to risk our total organization on my behalf, but at the time I couldn’t see it. It was so easy for some to jump up and say “she has got to go in.” I knew the answer myself but I know I took the liberty no one should have taken and tested you. I am so ashamed to face it now. I hope you will forgive me. I don’t really know how you can stand us and more specifically me.
I have a lot of guilt about a lot of things which are too numerous to mention. My attitude of self-importance when I came in and expecting the Georgetown office to call me when they are always so busy is disgusting.
I think I have done my job better, perhaps that is because I have been working from a basis of guilt rather than any self-righteous attitudes.
Sometimes I get a bit down but I think about the example of sacrifice you are and it gives me those temporary lifts. Thank you.