Many things have changed in my life under your loving structure which I had never dealt with before. I’m aware of my responsibility and the terrible consequences my deviant behavior has brought to our children, complicating their lives and promoting my own problem in them. I have learned to face what I’ve done and assume the burden of guilt it brings, and to use this guilt to strengthen my determination never to repeat my treasonous behavior. It has taken a long time for me to trust anyone, especially other adults. Your continued love, patience and acceptance (even while rejecting my negative patterns) have won my total trust in you despite my paranoid tendencies. I have had a tremendous block in communicating to other adults, but now I feel I can communicate well with you and with Tom Grubbs. This communication is vital to me in heading off situations before they become problems. These new channels for communication have averted rash behavior when I was feeling my lowest, and they have given me insights into my real motivations. I feel I have more control over myself and over situations in my life.
I have devoted a lot of time analyzing my motives and patterns of behavior which lead to deviant behavior, which I felt I had to understand before they could be controlled. I have recognized five steps or levels of involvement, usually separated by passage of time. They are as follows:
Level One: At this level I become involved with the children, their problems, their needs and desires. It includes teaching school, teaching crafts, skills like playing guitar, art, games, hikes, joking and doing favors. Sometimes it’s just giving a listening ear or a word of encouragement. It involves giving the children attention, the attention I never had but can enjoy vicariously. I feel useful and needed even if it’s only to be used in meeting a need. Penny calls this “romancing” the children, and has forbidden this contact as a precaution. In examining my sexual motives at this level I find that many deep Level One involvements never involved in a sexual attraction, as with David Chaikin, for example. Of course, Level One is also a point of contact for those I have had further unhealthy interests in.
Level Two: At this Level there is a lot of sexual fantasizing, reviewing sexual experiences from my past, imagining situations and masturbating. It is at this Level which I’m consciously redirecting my fantasies away from children. In the past, many of these fantasies were never acted upon simply because the child gave clear indications in my contact with him that he would not be receptive. I have never forced myself on anyone who clearly is not interested.
Level Three: At this Level I would feel out the person’s reactions to m. It involved a lot of time and carefully contrived situations. I would be extremely sensitive to signs of recognition of my intentions and signs of rejection. These situations would include activities like wrestling where close body contact would lend itself to “accidental” brushing against the “privates”. I was careful to leave a doubt in the other person’s mind as to my intentions so that if I sensed a negative reaction coming, I could withdraw all such contacts. I’ve come to understand that at this age children have a lot of confusion about themselves and their sexual feelings and will give mixed signals without any intention to invite sexual involvement. I didn’t know that before and those mixed signals would cost me to proceed to Level Four.
Level Four: After receiving what I thought to be signs of interest, the next step would be to become more direct, and leave less doubt about my intentions. Direct touching of area of the “privates”. This is the point where most of my sexual contacts with children have ended. In most cases a clear rejection came from this contract (much to my surprise), as their mixed signals had misled me to proceed. At this point I’d reverse my course of action as fast as I could, didn’t repeat any further attempt at sexual contact, and (cont.)
I tried to reestablish a Level One Relationship as quickly as possible. I had to realize that they could tell about it any time they pleased (eventually all did).
Level Five: In a few rare instances the child didn’t reject my advances. At this Level I received what I was after – acceptance. In my paranoid way of thinking, sexual cooperation was the ultimate sign which proved their sincerity of acceptance. After analyzing this I realize people really use each other sexually and it proves nothing about their sincerity or acceptance. It was hard for me to separate my real goal from sex, but in thinking back, I realized that when my advances were accepted, a great burden of worry came with it, that I would not be pleasing, and that the temporary acceptance I had received would be withdrawn. There would be great anxiety over being caught, and I never proceeded without elaborate precautions and isolation. I wanted to get it over with, but leave my partner satisfied. Afterward I would question myself that I would indulge in so dangerous a practice, jeopardize all I held dear, have to face my conscience (my guilt level may have been low but I did have a conscience that did not give me peace while indulging my perversions) and derive so no sexual pleasure in return. I didn’t identify that acceptance was my real payoff. Torn between compulsion and conscience I’ve been precariously close to suicide all my life. When I was a child and during my early teens, I refrained out of concern for my pets. Later drugs (a slower suicide) kept me from ending it before I came to this family. Since then I have come close to ending my crazy existence, rationalizing that people in general would not be too affected and that children forget quickly. I never could get around the fact that you would care and that you would be hurt. I couldn’t be sure that even if I cleverly disguised my suicide, it might not be used in some way against our Cause by our enemies. Even though the alternatives were public confrontations and humiliations and rejections I feared worse than death, I just couldn’t do that to you and the Cause. If you ever feel that it would be better to remove me from the collective, for the good of Socialism, I am willing and able to cooperate in my plan that can aid Socialism and destroy Fascism. I have lived 30 years and feel 500. I’m not looking for much more out of life anymore.
Alternatives to my past behavior are to develop clear channels to communication (which I have already begun establishing) and to cultivate adult relationships of comradery [camaraderie]. I am really looking for the Dad/Big Brother figure I missed out on as an only child. I’m looking for communication on an adult level based on respect. I feel in view of the practical realities of your horrendous schedule, that to take up your time is unthinkable. However, Tom Grubbs has been friendly enough to me, seems to understand my problems fairly accurately, is open to communication (though I don’t know much about his present problems, he is open about his past). I have a lot of respect for Tom as a teacher, craftsman, and perfectionist in his endeavors. I don’t think he is without faults, but I feel my view of him is not too unrealistic as far as it goes. With your consent I will work to build up that communication, and interaction and will continue to look for others I can relate to on Principle. I will work to strengthen my controls and to examine my motives so that I never again cause you and our family grief. Thank you Dad for caring. I owe my life to you and to Socialism. I will try to justify the mercy you have given me by my contribution to the Collective.