N-1-C-15a –15b
Fuck up yeah I am and I’m fucked off prior to your departure last spring and too after you came over.
I fucked w/ a black woman I’ve known, had a relationship w/ when I first joined the Temple. Intention: Then & later to get her & her children into church because I thought I dug her because she was independent. [Several lines scratched out] Rationalization was looking even good you ain’t fucked for 7-8 years so it’s ok to use someone.
After you left there were two other women – one white and the other black that I met indirectly through the 1st woman. They were fucks no more no less – old man Lee seeing whether he could still function (not that I ever did) but the thought was there, “Look, nigger, you are getting old – the white woman was an object again to vent hostility, hostility for being, hostility for still being in the States.
Also, I fucked off w/ money I got on the streets & snatched bundles of SF Progress newspapers of street corners & cardboard out [of] Market trash bins & take to recycling place and get cash – turn in w/ exception of $2–$3 which I’d use to get food.
This went on once or twice a week for change for sodas & junk food (not every week or once was too much). I knew while I did all this shit that it would come back, though my ego’s as broad as a barn, though I didn’t follow my conscience, it still fucked w/ me. I mean I felt guilty but obviously the guilt didn’t motivate me. I was totally amoral and exercised no restraint during that period. Was I going to sell out for a fuck? No. And I wouldn’t now. Did I want the money – not really – why – and became a silly preoccupation & a [illegible word] away from responsibility.
I felt shitty then and do now if that makes much sense – I mean going ahead and getting my rocks off at the expense of us. However I understand that I fucked things up for you in terms of dependency on black leadership in the States.
I’m a putrid cocksucker – do I believe this? Yes, but I’m not going to allow it to immobilize me. This is a sad state of affairs for which I offer no apologies. I’ll just get on my job. I’m not arrogantly saying I don’t owe you one. On the contrary! It’s best I work!