[names throughout this page likely in code]
I am on the radio and I am waiting for them to answer me so I am taking this time to write to you. I still can’t type but bare [bear] with me. Monyelle is coming home. I am glad that she will be coming home, I am glad that she will be getting her birth certificate, but I am upset especially if something goes wrong because when I was there I told everyone that they needed to be registered and now it is an all out emergency because it hasn’t been done. Anyway I would appreciate your taking care of her for me. Hazel can take her on Tuesday all day. She has a bad rash. You’ll have to check on her medicines for it etc. It may be the water here. You know where her clothes are and I am sending her other things to you, also keep that little blue bed, net etc. at your house because I want it besides you can keep her overnight on Sundays etc. DON’T GIVE HER STUFF TO NOBODY!!! Lenora thinks that she is her mom which is nothing wrong with it. But you know how older people get, they overhear say you don’t know what you’re doing etc. so let her see her but if you are busy give her to someone else instead of letting her get attached to her too much. Anyway my mom etc. are already expecting to see her and are able to keep her. I wish I could come home because I am going to be worried about her. Keep some of her diapers, the one nursery bag goes back to the nursery I will mark it for you. There is some things you may need so look in my trunk for them. Make sure she gets a bath twice a day in the nursery. Can you take time to get her shower Jari and your boys? Anyway I wrote Cl since you wouldn’t give him my letter. WILL YOU PLEASE WRITE ME YOU DON’T KNOW HOW DEPRESSING THIS PLACE IS IF ANYONE DID THEY WOULDN’T SEND NOBODY IN HERE I HATE. I… I am so tired of this hecticness. this is a trip somebody is trying to read this breaking their neck… Anyway take care of my kid… And don’t together with Tim to gossip about me cause already told you how I feel about that mess… Anyway Cl knows that I’m not going to bug him I just wanted an explanation why he did it… If it don’t I am going crazy because I have so much to do. I don’t want to ever want to come in here again. Come to the radio and bring Monyelle the next morning after she gets there so she can tell me if you guys are treating her right. I got to go send a letter. Be good and don’t get in trouble, I’m still bleeding like a cow clots blood galore etc. and the worst thing I am still cramping really bad. Well there were only be 9 people here or less and nothing to do maybe I’ll go to the show or something I was glad that Monyelle was going to be here to keep me sane you won’t believe what has been happening here…
[Handwritten signature and footnote]
I got 4 blood test done and time to get and I’m going to the urologist for my kidneys. Trip! I hope [illegible word] says I’ll die in 2 days!
9/1/78, from Lil:
– I can’t believe what all this mess about Connie’s sister has erupted into. It is really weird that anybody, no matter how close you might feel to them (i.e. family) would have this kind of control on your life. I mean – Jean and I figure that she must be afraid of her sister or something… She wouldn’t even call her the night she left and tell her that she should have her bags etc. at the airport 1/2 hr. before the time she planned on arriving. She would not even push her sister on such a practical thing as that. It is amazing… We can’t figure it out. She is literally insane where her family is concerned.
– I am telling you, the selfishness of this woman is something else. She never once concerned herself as to what this might be doing to Keith’s health. It was always, if they care about me – they wouldn’t be putting such pressure on me! etc. There was nothing rational or even pretending to be concerned about the cause etc. just ME, ME, ME…
– Also the sister had 2 carry-on bags which you can’t have in NY and she told Phyllis at the airport that she was a ‘professional photographer’ and she ‘wasn’t going to miss a thing!’. Interesting.
– Well, I hope everything goes all right. If the daughter is married or preg. or both… That is going to upset Connie if the sister wasn’t told. But there must come a place or a time when we can say “FUCK CONNIE!” I mean – how much can you bow and grovel to one small minded person. I have always maintained she was a small person. All this only confirms the negativity that I feel for her. I try to put it aside because she has worked hard, and she does have insight, and she does know principle, just not when it comes to her and herself. And even in that respect she is not so much different than so many of us… But she pulls off this crazy “I dare you” act, and that is what makes her different. She knows what she is doing when she directly challenges the Office. She absolutely knows.
– Also her relationship with Mac [Jim McElvane] I feel is lethal. She does get something out of patronizing “me” like she did Hue [Fortson] and like she does Mac. There is just something fishy about her acting so independent. And then she must really put on some kind of ‘dependency’ act for them to fall for it so hard. Stupid men anyway. But that is one that I cannot stand.
– And the Dotsons that he is so hot on getting over there… I am sending the write-up that Karen did not so long ago – and you will see that they are both very hostile people. Now maybe it would be worth getting them over there anyway, and they can be hostile in the middle of the jungle. But I wonder, if we really need to take them on, if all they are saying is the same (if they do say anything) and they have not given us property, and they used to live in one of our communes and then left because they didn’t think we did right by them. I don’t know. I think LA is trying to ship out everything they don’t want to deal with. It seems they could keep being helpful and talking to them, and keep them under a certain amt. [amount] until this thing gets resolved. Just something to consider.
– Regarding Connie’s contribution here… Most of her project workers, or at least a lot of them are ready to leave in Sept. and Oct. Judy plans on going in Oct and a lot of the callers… So that by the end of Oct. or beginning of Nov. there won’t be that much reason for her to be here – even coordinating wise, there won’t be that much to coordinate. Ida plans on being gone, Dorothy Harden, Lola, Willie Mae Gentry, Judy… etc. That is the way it is going. So don’t know how much longer things will keep coming in. Maxine and Vera and Essie can do the project in the kitchen dept and that can still be constant. I think when (and if) Connie does go, people here should think that it is only temporary. (Likewise Jerry too).
– But you know, I have been thinking, I don’t really know how Jerry can get away at this time. With things so hectic and battle involved here, I just don’t know. Unless you see the writing on the wall, and Jerry really has to get out fast… I think Jerry should stay here for as long as he can to help Elizabeth out. Jerry will be all ready etc. and can move on a moments notice. And surely Jerry would have at least that much time I would think.
– Anyway, Lola’s mother his coming here in Oct. – don’t know exactly when, but of course – that takes priority in her life. So maybe she will be ready to go down after that in Nov. and Jerry can come with her then the way it was planned before. I have some doubt that Lola will leave until she sees that she no longer has a domain here. And I suppose – the way it looks – that will be the first of Nov. because all of her major people will be gone by then. She is in no hurry to get out of here from the looks of things. However, Jerry is of the opposite opinion, and is quite ready to take leave, esp. with the new development where Keith is concerned. But in light of things – it would appear Jerry should delay somewhat – at least until Nov. and try at that time.
– please, please have someone write Bro. Parr. He tells me that 9 out of the 20 trunks that he has sent have not yet arrived – and has indicated that he found this out by the “ether waves” – and now he has taken to going to the airport to ‘see’ firsthand that they get on. That is why you all received 2 trunks the last time they were puttyied and nailed shut! We also have to pay over the limit to send them – and I hope this is not a new wrinkle with him… He usually gives us the trunks and we pretend to send them and bring them back and I repack them… But no more. Also please tell Rose and Jack Barron to write him that Rose received the small plastic container that he sent (and which I sent) of 7 coins and Jack should have received a big glass jar full of things that he sent him. PLEASE HAVE THEM RESPOND TO THESE THINGS, AS NOW HE FEELS THEY DID NOT RECEIVE THEM… AND THUS THE CRATES DID NOT GET THERE EITHER. So, maybe the delay can be explained as – it is a big warehouse – they were at the other end or something – but now he is suspicious as to whether or not they were ever sent out of here! And he says he is investigating. All he has to do is ask John the electrician, he knows… And our cover is blown. Just a note of appreciation for all he does or something ASAP!!!!!
FF-1-103a [two notes on same typwriter\] [Add to 108926]
From my conversation with Rheavenna [Rheaviana Beam] re: JACK
She said that Jack was very excited to see this ‘friend’ of his – and that they right away got into the ‘old times’ thing.
She said this guy said to her that he could get drugs for her and even implied that he could get ‘thing’ from a nearby Naval base (guns, explosives etc.) This was when Jack was not around yet.
She said this guy trying to convince her to move down to San Diego and that area – She thinks she might be an agent too – he apparently flew up just to see Jack specifically – didn’t give any other excuse for being here.
She still feels that Jack may be up to something – but said that she was going to stay cool and not confront him.
However, my feeling is that she doesn’t really feel that Jack is up to anything big – since in the past she has been so protective of him – makes me think she still doesn’t ‘see’ him. So – I would question any of her observations – as either being over-statements on her part or misrepresentations in degree of accuracy.
She is trying hard to come across like she is suspicious of him – but I doubt that she has any idea of how really bad he could be at the drop of a hat. I hate the sucker myself – and have his name on my list if he makes an overt action. To date – all of his treason has been relatively ‘excusable’ in terms of others actions.
[Marginal note on first paragraph: “Personal”] I never cease to be amazed at your ingenuity and creativity that is so evident at times like the most recent crisis. All the while never losing compassion and notice for all aspects of those around you.
I have no doubt at all that you could have handled the situation completely on your own – without the part any of the rest of us played. But I do feel that your involving so many others was most wise for several reasons. One – that others may get just a glimpse of the pressure and strategy that you must constantly contend with. And also that we may feel a sense of true involvement in helping to put down a few of the evil forces around us now – and get some sense of accomplishment in defeating the enemy – at least on a narrow front.
No one who has witnessed the vast extent and variety of your thinking in times like this – could help but be awed by such. For I feel that 99 percent of the time – if not all – you are constantly taken for granted – and the whole situation treated much too lightly. I suppose it is one of our defenses – to be able to slip in and out of concerned involvement so easily – but I do feel it is juvenile to keep doing this on such a total scale.
How disappointing and irritating we must be to deal with. With nothing to offer of any real worth – only drain on drain. I can only project how disheartening it must be. I wish there was more some of us could do – instead of always bungling every assignment we get – for the pettiest of reasons – and even because of just carelessness.
My strength would have worn thin long, long ago. I do not have the fire that drives you to such heights. I can only hope to catch some of the glow by being around you and noticing small things that tell so very much about you.
I would have wanted you to call me in the beginning of this matter – if I could have really offer anything new – (which I doubt to a large extent.) But then again, I fear to watch prolonged suffering that you go thru. Many times it seems to immobilize me to a certain extent – and I feel so helpless to do anything about what you go thru constantly. And I know that I am a part of that pain and responsibility too – and I don’t like to deal with that.
I could handle what I go thru alright – if only I could know that you need not be aware of all my moods etc. I wish I could ask you not to think about my life – to not think of other ways to help or to change the way things are. I have for the most part balanced things pretty much out – and tho I may go up and down at times – the plateau is fairly established – and the range of my mental and emotional stability has become quite narrow. You need not worry that I will do anything irrational or inconsistent with my usual ‘introverted’ patterns. So – with those things in mind – I really wish you would tell me that you don’t have time to spend ‘worrying’ about me in that sense.
I am very aware of when I fall down in my expectations of myself as a Socialist. And I do know, in most cases – what to do to rectify the situation. So, for me to go on and on as to reasons or any other form of rationalization is ridiculous. If I came across something that I really felt unable to cope with – I would let you – or someone know.
I must admit – I have felt very restless lately – with not one place in the world that interests me to go to… But now, with 2 wks. in mind – I see a light at the end of the tunnel – and am again established with some sense of time/space.
(I was afraid when you asked me to stay behind for a min. to tell me something – the other night – that it had to do with that time coming up – and I was worried.) It has been so very, very long. I feel that almost the most help I could be to you – is to just try to stroke away some of your fatigue. To soothe – just a bit – for just a little while. But even that is not allowed. You are crucified in every sense of the word – in every aspect of your life – even to include minimal necessities to maintain your strength. You are truly afforded no help at all – even if it were there in the first place, to whatever small degree.
Tho I am by nature – very pessimistic and cynical – I do feel a sense of hope about this cause. As I mentioned before – I definitely feel that this is the worst time for the organization – for as things get worse – the alternatives for our people will become more narrow – and clearer in their minds.
I have seen so many people change and become better people – and been given so much – that I cannot judge the success or accomplishments of the movement – by any so-called failures that may be encountered along the way.
Even so – the purpose is to do what is right – and not count in terms now of ‘apparent’ successes or failure situations. So – if I should look tired or tense at any given time – it is only momentary – and not something I would want you to be concerned about.
And I do feel – that if the very worst should happen – if you should be taken very soon – I have hopes that we could rally enough people to take our children someplace and the rest of us stay – and manage – however inept – to make a meaningful statement to the ending of our lives. Whether or not – we took the children – we would leave enough workers with them, who will – if they had to – see that the children were released from this life if things got that that bad.
Tho our final statements maybe wouldn’t be too right on – or as efficient as they could be – I am sure that we could come up with a few half-assed scenes that might work halfway – and what would we have to lose them anyway?
I guess what I am saying is that I do have a very basic belief that in the end – your teachings will not have fallen on totally deaf ears, that your influence and sacrifices will not have been wasted or in vain. That whatever happens – that every last one of us was made one thousand times better by having known you, and then exposed to the only way of life that is workable and just.
I would not be disrespectful enough to you to lie about my feelings in this area. I would just not have said anything about it if I felt differently.
I not adept at expressing my feelings for you in words. I manage myself as a little kid with a finger in the hole in the dam. I don’t like to push my luck there. There is too much at stake with you. I don’t wish ever to cause you unnecessary concern or more pain than you already have. I don’t want anything I may say to be interpreted in a way other than I intended for it to sound. Consequently – I tried to choose my words carefully and objectively. But even if you looked between the lines – you would have to say that I am satisfied – that my life is full – in every sense of the word – by the very fact that I am something valid to die for… What is the difference in the particulars between now and then?
And if you look again – you would have to see the deep sense of peace and security that you and your love has given to me. I don’t mean for you not to look to see things – I just don’t want you to be concerned with momentary reflections – when the very important things – are securely anchored. I send my best to you – in anticipation…