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Dear Marcie,
Thank you for your concern for Patricia – I just want to do the right thing – that is really all I want. I’d like to know that at the end of each day I did better.
Patricia is so dear to my heart, I can’t describe it. I love Tyrone as dearly, but I just get concerned. She tries so hard not to bother me or not even to tell me things – which I am her mother and friend and want her to be able to talk to me. But I honestly feel that she does not want to bother me with trivia, and she maintains a happy personality. She does want to be principled and tries. I wish she would feel free to talk to you.
I don’t want to bother you though who can understand the young person as you can – I would CUT off my fingers to help her and I promise you I’ll work one hour EXTRA hard a day to make up for the time you have to help her. She is so very young in life and 24 in years old. But she tears at herself and thinks she is DUMB and UGLY and STUPID and OLD – this is my fault.
I think she has somehow missed the teens or something – she feels she has no worth at all.
Please forgive my such rambling. I love her Marcie. I don’t grieve over Mike – I feel sad in my insides, but he has died.
Tyrone is little and doing well and Patricia is a concern. I think she feels like a failure or no value at all. I wish I could take her problems or pain – I don’t have the words I need. PLEASE HELP HER. I will never forget it – Don’t get me wrong. If I have to give her, Tyrone or Walter up THEN I SURELY WILL! But if I can help her I must!!! I always write so badly – I hope I didn’t bother you – I really tried hard to be productive. It’s the only way I have to survive. Which brings me to one more thing! I feel so pained about what I told you René Kice said to me – but the problem is that René being an inspector and has had to take people’s watches and recorders as we have asked for to sell.
Ava [Cobb Jones], Ruby [Carroll], Kay [Nelson], Alice [Inghram], Rhonda [likely Fortson], Rochelle [likely Halkman] and René have a Black Click [clique]. I really don’t know a lot about Ava but I know she, Kay and Ruby let René talk about me –
René said I stole her watch (and I absolutely did not do this)
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x-3-f-21b
There has been much stealing going on at Georgetown and someone got in René’s personal package and took her watch and camera – Annie Moore said René has gone insane over this watch and René has one watch already. René was insane when she approached me and called me a liar and a thief – and I swear I did not react to her. I said, “René if you believe that I stole your watch and why don’t you write a note and I’ll give it to him.” She said, “I don’t need you to take it to him.” I said, “then maybe you want to take it to the people.” She came back with, “My black MAMA is not scrubbing floors for you to sell her stuff – NO SIR,” and SHE THREATENED ME AND SAID, “I’LL GET A LETTER OUT OF HERE AND TELL MY MAMA NOT TO SEND ANOTHER GOD DAMN THING AND YOU ARE NOT GETTING NOTHING FROM ME TO SELL.” She made fun of me and said, “I know how you beg for stuff to sell.” That really hurt because no matter what I do to get fruit and money she’s being hypocritical if she eats it if she is ashamed of me. I HAVE BEGGED, it’s true, but Marcie, it was for fruit for us all and I never thought anyone of us would be ashamed of me begging since it wasn’t for me. I never had to have sex for fruit, but of course there is so much bull shit connected to getting fruit and money each week. I did have to kiss an ugly old man to get my glasses but that was nearly $140.00 paid for and saved Peoples Temple that expense. I only had to kiss his cheek and I told Jim about it. Begging is not so easy but I always felt glad that at my age I’m able to get fruit and money. I know I’m older and ugly person but I make jokes and manipulate and get fruit cheap and two weeks ago a man gave 500 pounds of pumpkin free. I didn’t have to do anything except make jokes and Rheavina [Rheaviana Beam] and I kidded him out of 500 pounds FREE. OF COURSE I BEGGED.
So I feel bad René used this against me. I wonder how she would do it? She hates me because I entrusted to go to Kumaka but Kumaka is a dirty hole. We lack many conveniences and Marcie I’m so grateful for this experience. It’s released me from materialism!! I’m so glad!! So glad!! Material things mean absolutely nothing. It’s not a matter but unreleased from
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But I’m released from material gain.
Thank you Jim, Marcie, I think there is hostility and jealousy over my position! People laugh at me selling the sheets off my bed but I realize Happiness is not in things. I’m not trying to be a martyr I just want to sell and be productive. The only thing I can do well is sell and do PR!! That’s really all I know how to do.
As far as René’s mom goes on her knees – that’s not true. Annie said, ” René’s mom is a bourgeois bitch,” and all of us have given things to sell.
René is in inspection and I feel she will try to be vindictive and keep my store items from us when they come from America. This week (Rheaviana will tell you) we got very little from the warehouse for the store to sell AND IT’S IMPERATIVE – WE NEED STUFF TO SELL. René has been making many nasty cracks to me all week. When I left on the truck this Monday she said again that I stole her watch (in front of Kay, Ruby, Alice and Ava) and they said nothing in my defense – not a word. So when all the guests and us got on the truck, René looked up at me and yelled out loud (in front of the guests), “Goodbye to some of the hard workers,” or “Goodbye to some of you who work hard.” It hurt me so – I could not answer. I have worked very hard here. She doesn’t understand that this is work!
The problem is that Alice, Rochelle, René, and Ruby all have a bad alliance and all are the inspectors of items when they come in the warehouse. And Rheaviana and I have had hell getting our own items marked with our names which are for the store.
Jim called for all tapes to be turned in. Everyone coming from America with a recorder, it went to inspectors. Jim kept 3 recorders for the band and 5 are used for the PA to check out for young people to use and that is good as we all need music – but now Nina [Nena] Downs and Melika and David Smith all had recorders. Nina and David both in the last two weeks told me I could sell their recorders but both said the inspectors took the recorders when they got there. I asked Alice and René who has recorders, and Alice did not like me asking. I was not trying to be nasty I just had buyers for them and Jim usually had me sell recorders with the exception of those he
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x-3-f-21d
appropriated to remain here. I found out that Ava gets these recorders that people give when they get here. The thing that Ava has never given me one of the last three recorders, that has come in. I do not want to accuse her – maybe she is supposed to give them to certain people but I don’t understand as Jim made clear the 5 for PA and 3 for Band already. So what happened to Nina’s and David’s. It’s not right for inspectors to take recorders from one person and give to another. It makes no sense at all to give to another. I do know that Ava has her own recorder.
Ruby went to Georgetown with Kay. Ruby is supposed to get material but Ruby would never be my choice to bargain for cloth. The crux is that Ruby fell on as a supervisor to selling only because Rheaviana started coming to the store. Rheaviana said that Ruby is wasteful of cloth, crates of cloth are in the back, and rain has mildewed and wasted cloth. And although it is scrap cloth, she has not let seniors get access to it, and Bea Dawkins came to me last week. She made a beautiful hat I sold for $12.00 – hats made of scrap. Bea said to me she asked me over and over, and Ruby says she has no cloth and Bea said there is cloth mildewing in crates out back. Ruby was furious Bea came to me. Ruby does not want the seniors to come to me with complaints, but they feel she always lets them know she is the supervisor. As one said, “Ruby cannot organize but she won’t let anyone else do it either!” It’s a power trip in front of Kay. I asked Rudy why she will give the seniors cloth instead of letting it ruin. She said, “If the senior student run to Miss Patty,” she slurred “Miss Patty” as derogatory so as to lower me to the level of a white plantation owner.
Kay never opened her mouth and then Kay openly supported Ruby’s negativity and put down Bea and insinuated that Bea lied. But Bea did not lie. Ruby is a power-hungry bit Carolyn Layton and I asked Ruby to make a certain dress. Ruby said she had no cloth. Carolyn found out about the crates out back and the cloth, and Carolyn confronted Ruby. Ruby’s excuse was the rain kept her from getting to the crates, and she never did bother to get the
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dresses.
Ruby’s demeanor is so slothful and arrogant – this whole “black” thing is insane.
I know several of my worst faults – but all my life I can remember that my heart beat was for the cause of integration and my love for Jim began the first day I heard him speak on integration. I just feel sick when we get these insane racist shit and hostility and black clicks starting and it’s dangerously happening!! here in Johnstown.
If an argument comes about, it’s never an argument but finally someone refers to someone’s race. (Subtle that is)
Ruby-Kay-Rhonda-Rochelle-René-Alice and others have this bad. Ava, I believe will try to act like she is fair but sometimes I have the distinct impression her heart is with the blacks’ allegation and she is only posturing. Ava seems apart in her lifestyle to me. She is one of the “HAVES” (clothes, shoes, she always has her watch, gold neck chains, special blouses – Christine wears 3 neck chains at once!
People notice this because many have turned theirs in. I may be wrong about Ava, I hope so – but she let René go by with a lot of nasty shit .I can only speak what I see, and what I see doesn’t make it right. It just seems that she is a bit bourgeoisie.
I only know that Jim keeps asking people to come up with ideas and projects but Ruby tries to sabotage all these ideas if it is stuff for the store. I can understand anybody not liking me, but when it affects the store I get pissed off.
Kay is supposed to be helping Rheaviana and I with the store but she has put down every idea we have. Her concern is her invested interest. I am glad about the toy contract of stuffed animals but Kay has stopped any production for us. Last week I asked Kay and Ruby for sewing items – when I have gone out of my way to Kay – bragged on her – buttered her up but she has not given Rheaviana or myself not one bit of assistance or tried to push for us to get things to sell – I know I could bring in $10,000.00 every week. I know that, but I can’t get anyone to push. I asked Kay about me getting another order on toys downriver and Kay said no, no more wholesale orders (Too, she looks damn good with her 3000 toys)
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Ruby said, “we are not working 15 1/2 hours on another project.” And every idea I said they had an answer for.
No Cloth
No Time
No This…
I do not think they will ever try to help us get stuff to sell. It’s almost like me they consider white ‘?’ would subconsciously want me to FAIL – IT’S CRAZY!!!!
I’m ashamed to write it – as it sounds nuts – but people utterly hate when they think you are close to Jim –
But Marcie, I’m gone a lot and I do not hang on Jim or even bother him. In fact this black racist shit has going on for 3 months and I have not once told him until now!
But I don’t know what else to do. Sometimes I wonder if it would not be good to let Kay and Ruby have the store and they would feel good – if I was out!
I have tried harder at this job to make it work than any other job I ever had. We started this store with a couple of recorders and a few clothes and a lot of talk, jokes, and bull shit – and it’s done well. But if Kay and Ruby want the job – okay –
The secretary of PNC told Joan [Pursley] that our effort here in Kumaka as one the hearts of the people for the Temple (forgive me if that sounds braggadocious) but that touched me so much I cried. I want so damn much to be a Marxist-Leninist, I want to show Jim’s consistent life and humanitory principles.
I don’t think I’m capable of love but I know Jim is real to mee and tangible and I want only to relate this to the people here.
Sometimes at night I think over each day and where I fail and that is why when I heard what Barry had said I felt emotion inside. See, I feel like a flop at most anything I do – but I’ve been able to come to Kumaka and live in poor conditions and represent Jim – and Barry said to some people that they have only seen PT and Jim through what I say, and Mrs. Stokes said “Jim must be a godly man on earth.” Or some comment like this.
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So for myself I think I’ve maybe done something well like represents Jim – the best I know.
I don’t know if this is sexual sublimation her all my motives – but life is so fucking sad and Jim keeps me alive. If I know only that he accepts me and approves of me, not much else matters – I’ve lived through the death of my son and probably I’m stronger than ever before.
I do know I want to be part of a world where babies of every race can be fed. Please forgive me for so much.
Please, I’ll never bother you with this again but have been choking back some of the nasty jealousy and outrageous behavior of some of the black elitists – and I pride myself on not bothering Jim. But I feel so hurt inside at some of the racism I see, I just had to get out some of this hurt –
Please realize that when I said about René or anyone being ashamed of me for begging, I know that Jim and you and Carolyn are not ashamed of me begging or whatever I’ve done to get fruit.
I think he would be ashamed or upset about my weight but not anything else! I’ll really work harder this week for bothering you. But I just have been bottling up feelings.
I do care and will work harder than ever before.
My warmest feelings,