x-3-h-1a – 1b • Note from Leslie Wagner Wilson

[Editor’s note: The pdf for this note from Leslie Wagner Wilson to Sandi Cobb may be found here.]


Sandi, you know, I now feel as if my whole being is worthless here, I know now “home” is a word not spoken of missing. But some things aren’t made for everyone. I believe in Socialism & world liberation for all, but to participate in this way isn’t me. I am holding you in complete confidence, because you know what would happen if this was found – Dad would be too hurt. I only came here for my baby, but now with the constant, constant, conflict between Joe & myself, and people believing him, I feel like it’s all useless and why? Why put my baby through all this?!! So I strive daily for sanity. He says we can go when everyone gets here. Well, I don’t believe that. I don’t necessarily have to go to the US, but this jungle and the confinement I can’t deal with. What’s a day off? All you do is sleep & play with your child. I guess I am a capitalist or spoiled too much. The hypocrisy, the elite, elite – too much!!! Yes. We are the best people – well I don’t believe that. I am 21 years old, and my life will surely consist of nothing more than it does now. So what’s the final answer? Dad has tried to save us from all the camps in the states, the racism – shit, send me to Jamaica, anywhere, GT [Georgetown], but this rural – is not for me. What do you do? Schizophrenics, sadists, that’s what you do. I know Dad’s love is so real – but save the children!!! Leave me be. No entertainments. I never really dug movies in the states, no dances – no nothing. I don’t want to just be so negative, but shit, it’s how I feel!!! I am only human – no decent men, not even to talk to. It’s all just too much. Really. But how do you cope? I wouldn’t bother Dad to write a letter. I know I am not the only one who feels like this. Shit, they have music in Cuba, USSR. So, here we sit, living day to day. I love Jakari so much, but can I really be a good anything? I know what I could’ve had – and of course I realize that I wouldn’t of had it never. But damn, anything almost is better than this. I am just wearing myself down, but what harm does that really do? If Dad goes in 5 yrs, shit, I will have to take a place next to him. It’s the people, always the people that fuck you over. I know I shouldn’t support you or vice versa but I really couldn’t say – “no, it’s all bullshit and play that [illegible word] trip – I am sorry for not yelling at you when you say you want to go home. How I feel the weight of missing. Shit, something has got to give – I hope when I talk to Cleveland, things will be better, but really I know how you feel about being tired – I hate Joe, so much to be so cruel I actually put that shit out – I swear I like to castrate his ass, but Dad is going through too much. Anyway, how much can you take. I don’t know what June’s problem is, but try to find out!!! Something has got to work. I had no intentions of leaving really. But don’t give me the chance again.

Bye me –