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Dear Dad (or Jim) –
I often find myself caught up in my own morass and troubles instead of looking at the world in perspective and I just wanted to thank you for all of the hours of socialist teachings that you give us. I am glad I don’t have to be a part of the system that throws napalm on innocent people. I am also grateful for the confrontations I have received on the public floor because it has made me stronger and has made me less image conscious. I thought I should express this to you being that I never express my gratitude to you. I feel like people I know of in the past that write letters like this are big fuck-ups – but I wanted to say I am ready for whatever comes down the line. The news makes any illusions I have had dissolve and I will always stay with you through thick and thin. Thank you for making my life mean something.
From Annie (Oakley)
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Carolyn –
Can you please give this to Jim for me. I won’t write any more stuff up.
From Annie
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Jim
Larry [Schacht] came last night and talk to me being that Karen [Layton] was not around. He said he wanted a Valium, and I was getting it for him. Then he came in – mentioned how he thought Larry Layton was setting him up to write him an order for hi-protein diet. I told Larry S. to be nice to Larry Layton and to order some vitamins for him. Then I told him I didn’t think Larry L. was the jealous type but might wonder about why Karen is always talking to him, therefore he should be nice. He said yes, he felt bad about that, and for that reason he wasn’t going to be talking to Karen for the next few nights. Anyway to make the story shorter, he told me he was still hung up on sex and relationships, basically all BS. He has done this before but I never thought of him is coming on to me, probably because I don’t wish for him to. I told him if he wanted to fuck, he should clear it with you (I didn’t say to fuck with me, or Karen) and I’m sure you would okay it then he would get it out of his system. Then he said that maybe he didn’t really want to, that he was not aggressive so he never made much headway with people. Said he knew he was homosexual but had a hard time dealing with it. He basically painted a beautiful humble picture of himself, and I didn’t really think of this before but I wonder if he was coming on to me. Because I think he
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was coming on – I think I should go fuck him. I am afraid that he is going to bother you for sex, otherwise why would he talk about sex, how he is selfish and all this. I could be aggressive with him, give him a line of BS of how much I’ve always wanted him. I don’t know that he wasn’t coming to me just to talk but I don’t know why he would say he felt bad about Larry L. (I’m sure he didn’t feel bad). And maybe he used this thing about Larry as a manipulation why he should come talk to me. I don’t know that he is doing that much better with Karen than before – I know he is somewhat better and I don’t think I’m trying to top her but she strikes me as being naïve, or phonily innocent about different situations in my dealings with her. I don’t know that I could do him any good and one thing I thought might happen, that after fucking (or trying) with a female he may be so frustrated and dissatisfied he would bother you worse. But I am willing to do whatever to satisfy him sexually if capable and I really don’t give a shit what I would have to do – I just want him to be off of your case. I have let you down in too many ways even though you have said that I don’t cause you trouble.
I don’t feel that I have half the time Karen spends with him to comfort him, but it seems
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to me with a once a week fuck maybe I could liven him with care & all of the ego building he needs. I would just go ahead and do it but I know that you once told me not to so I thought I should check first.
I know I’m not sexually attracted to him. You’re the only meal I ever felt a sexual attraction to and the rest are females. I don’t have any illusions about all this BS and I think Karen has or has had illusions more so than I, especially with men. I don’t think she likes Larry at all and I personally feel the urge to kill him most of the time but if you think this feasible I can schedule a once a week affair with him. I don’t really have the time as Karen does so it wouldn’t be as much attention so maybe this wouldn’t be good. I just know I would do anything to keep them from bothering you for your health’s sake. The reason I’m finally writing this up is because he has come to me more than several times before and I never thought of him as coming on – I always thought of it as an intellectual conversation. But fucking him although he repulses me I know he does you too so big deal. I would not be hostile about having to do it. If I did I would rather it not be known because I don’t like the idea that everyone feels sorry for me, or thinks
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I am really great or something dumb like that. I sometimes wonder if Karen shows too much dislike for her situation that someone might notice & word to get back to Larry. I know she tells me everything she does so maybe she just tells me.
So please consider this idea. I don’t give a shit any more about who I’m laid up with and I know I would have to be aggressive with him and I think I could be.
From Annie
I don’t know that he even likes me but he always leads on me when all else fails.
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To Dad:
I am very hostile about this and I think you should know this. In counseling yesterday with Rennie Kice she said some shitty things. She is always taking me to counsel monthly for accusations against me which I try to accept but then I feel she does the same to a much greater degree. Yesterday she had the nerve to say that Phyllis Chaikin preferred Terry Jones and myself being that Terry is Lew’s wife and I am Carolyn’s sister. Then she went on and said that Phyllis preferred licensed people. Kerry said that her case was shot then, because Terry had no license, she had no profession. Then Renée said, “oh yes you do have a profession, it’s called Jones.” Really snotty and sarcastic. Then she was talking smart assy and said she knows Annie (me) takes Dad’s blood pressure but she was tired of hearing about it (from me). which I’ve only told her three or four times to my knowledge for why I had to temporarily leave work. I try to never tell her that that is what I am doing but Carolyn told me to just tell her one day that that was what I had to do. So I did and she used it. She said that I always had to go to East House (or something to this effect) and then I just used dad’s name to go and goof off and that she didn’t know if that (checking blood or whatever) was what I was doing anyway. I only have said this three or four times that I had to check but I won’t anymore. She has developed a whole big case over it now, and when I have said it I do not feel I used your name to go down and goof off. It was when you were having seizures and more recently the terrible pain in the head. I can’t think of one time I ever said I had to check you that I went to goof off somewhere and I don’t say anything, whenever I can, because she distorts it into a big thing. When
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she said this about me using your name to goof around I said nothing because she seemed set in her nastiness. Everyone jumped on her for saying the profession Terry had was “Jones” (they were Lee, Ava & Kay Nelson). Then I brought out that she talked shitty about Shanda and said Shanda expected Renée to clean up their mess and that she didn’t know what Shanda did Now that she was in charge of PR, that she must sit in the radio room the rest of the time. (She was snotty about this)
Renée brought Terry and I to counsel for not cleaning the bond up enough, which I agree that I didn’t do the cleaning now has been scheduled. I also feel I have had more work to do – being responsible for the nurse’s office and bond and the few hours I could get into the bond I thought I should spend on the inventory not just cleaning. Renée has a full 12 hours to spend in the bond, a much easier inventory to do than the medications and she is still not done. She is taken two hour breaks then will do her wash for two other hours in the same day. She studies news during her work hours and will still take another break. Regardless, Terry and I have checked her timesheet and all this nonwork time is not counted. Dale, Sylvia and others have said that they can’t get into the bond when they want to because she isn’t here. She takes so much advantages that I believe she would deny all these accusations. She makes a smart crack to carry wants about writing her time in, and Terry said “no, I don’t and won’t cheat on my time schedule.” I believe Renée is always on my case because she does so much shit herself, and she lies and says I did stuff I have not done. I have finally got tired of it especially after her hostile cracks about “Jones’s”. Phyllis wants her out of the bond but she has not made this known – only to Terry
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Jones that I know of and Terry told me. After hearing her hostile and treasonous cracks I think Renée could and would fuck us up with our pills and medical supplies. She has been talking negative to Diane Louie also, who has been a great asset to the medical department and I hate to see Diane in all of this mess. She is quiet and didn’t confront Renée at all in all of this.
I would have written all of this up sooner but I was convinced I was being paranoid about her harassment. Now I am for sure what her problem is. There is much more I could add but not enough space. I think I carry my load of work although I know I could work harder still. Compared to her lazy ass, I did not take all of the advantages she does. I heard her say to Bob Kice the other day “I work in the bind, I can do whatever I want” smartly. Her elitism offends me and I think others could agree to that.
I also have not written this up because I don’t think she wants to change, and I think she is evil and would sabotage the medical department. I try to think I am going to work with my comrade but after all she has said and done she is no comrade to me. I just try to be friendly to her.
Annie Moore
Also, although Bob Kice was acting up, he took the confrontation well considering René wrote them up and he must know some of the shit she does. I would’ve reacted hostilely if I were in his shoes.
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BB-28-e-1
I apologize for never writing on Dick Tropp’s letter. The problem was that I did not understand a lot of it. I guess it was because I didn’t really identify with it. There were some parts that applied to me. I always think I am right and when I am confronted I have learned to say, “Okay, that is true” – whether I believe it or not, unless I am positive I am right – then I will get in a big fight. I used to be very threatened and intimidated by people like Dick, Harriet [Tropp], and Jan Gurvich, because I thought they were so brilliant. Now I have my own built-in security. So I won’t become insecure and say to myself, “I know I am smarter than those dumb ass intellectuals anyhow.” And I believe this – I do have a superior attitude about anyone who acts arrogant to me, trying to put down my intelligence. I don’t really feel this way about Jan or Dick but do with Harriet. As far as independent or dependent – I have never really thought of myself either way. I have always thought I could get a job as a nurse most anywhere (in the States) & perhaps live with someone(s) because of my license, although I realize it difficult to make ends meet, but I never had the desire really. This was before I came here. I do believe I would be framed if I were to go back. I know I have elitist patterns yet I am so conscious of not taking special privileges that I don’t think many that I think of that I could.
I don’t want to go back to the States at all. I can’t
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think of anything there that I like. I always was disgusted with pretty much everything starting in my 9th grade year. I had a real variety of “friends” all of whom leaned on me for support from intellectuals (phony creeps) to drug addicts, religious John Bircher types – everyone but country club set. I would usually find someone older (a teacher) to lean on for support, they would let me down always and end up leaning on me usually. I grew up with so many intellectual types and although I would bullshit with them I always had a deep resentment for them – they were all talk, no action, and rarely had black or minority friends, making racial slurs in their arrogant way. I know Dick is not racist but it is this type of intellectualness that reminds me of the ones I grew up with. (Harriet is really the one.) I was always more comfortable with people who made some attempt to help someone – as a Foster Camp Counselor or tutor for children – and they were far & in between. I always wanted to know if there was someone sensitive who cared for people and although I didn’t know you were the one at first when I came to the group, I learned soon after. I have thought I was racist against Jews because I could add Larry Schacht & Gene Chaikin, Don Fields, to the list of my irritants but I can also add Mike Prokes, Lee Ingram (at times), Tom Grubbs to the list. Lee mainly because he has been arrogant to me – not recently – Larry Layton nor Sharon Amos affect me this way & they are Jewish so I guess I’m not racist against Jews. I feel independent in the sense that I cannot depend on anyone but you & myself I have looked to Carolyn for support but it is not fair to her – she has enough pressures.
Sexually I know I am lesbian but I enjoyed having sex with you mainly because I liked you as a person – the sex part was secondary and very conflicting for me. I have never liked in any male except you. When I was with Patricia I thought I loved her & then found out what a joke that was. When I was with Ira [Irra Johnson] I knew I didn’t love her – not even
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really liked her after a while – it was all a sexual experience. We rarely talked about anything much. Now she sickens me and I have never gotten over the guilt I have that I could have spent more time with Lynetta [Jones]. I used to wonder what I would do if approached by a woman & would I be taken & sell out – I had such an illusion about it. Now I know what shit it is. I have no more illusions about anything. I used to think I was in love with Jean Brown. Now after my experiences here I know I won’t fall for it ever again. So in this sense, I am glad my experience with Irra happened. I know I would never sell out over sex. Money is not appealing to me at all – never really has been. Food is no problem to me. I have a difficult time eating. When you mention the starving babies it makes it more difficult for me to eat but I know I will be in trouble if I don’t eat – physically & mentally. So it is a constant battle.
When I first came here I thought about going back to my job and all – it took some time to adjust. Now if I think about going to the States, it is usually a drama to kill all of the conspiracy people and playing secret agent which I know I couldn’t work. Just this week I thought of going back to Washington DC – the hypocritical city of the US. I remember some burned children (black & few white) at the Children’s Hospital whom I tried to cheer up their lives best I could. One 12-year-old was poured alcohol on and lit a match to – on the 4th of July. A human firework. After that I always hated the 4th of July – I knew what it meant for little Tyrone. When he was out of the hospital he used to call me on the phone every day he was so lonely. For a minute I thought what a creep I was to desert all these children in the hospital who needed my attention or anyone’s – which was a
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real overestimation of my ability to do anything for anybody. I know logically that the only way to change anything is by a big body of people. I have sometimes felt like who am I to be able to be a part of this group when children like the one I described have to suffer in the USA – they never really had the chance to come if their parents didn’t come. That is the way it is all over the world I guess. I know that by my being here is the only way children all over the world could have a better life. It is silly for me to think I would be accepted in a black town as Washington DC anyway. I would have been just another white face. When I was confronted here publicly the first time, I was so depressed & guilt ridden I actually thought to run off to Kaituma or somewhere to be able to get back to the US, so I could blow up the Pentagon and make ammends. I never did figure how to even get to Kaituma. It was a dumb thought. What always kept me from going was the pain that would cause you & Kimo & John & others. I can’t stand the thought of you being sick as I’ve seen you get when “trusted” people left and did such sickening things. I could never stand the thought of being responsible for causing you added pain. I just couldn’t do it. I am trying to imagine myself in with the sellout traitors like Debbie [Blakey] & to self-analyze this aspect, but I can’t really imagine it. I don’t understand them. This is where I can’t clique [click] with Tropp. I don’t understand why they say and do all this shit. (He said he did understand??) I don’t think I can con myself as they seem to have done.
The only other thing I can think of is that how I would do if being tortured or having added pain. I have not had that much pain in my life,
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but I am determined to do well when & if I am tortured. I don’t want to sell out no matter what. When I have had different pains I think I have done okay when I never had surgery or anything to measure it with. I have just planned to always take it.
I have written about my guilt before to you & it will be just a repeat if I did it again. I feel guilty about most everything and I tried to repair it by acting better & not hostile.
So I think I know myself fairly well. There is nothing I really want in live [life] but to die & that is something I can’t do. Nothing really appeals to me. I just want to do good so maybe some kind of change in the world will take place. I never thought I would have such an opportunity, and if it doesn’t take place, I’ll know I have done right. I don’t expect anything any more.
From Annie Moore
P.S. I don’t know if I am imagining this but Mike Prokes seems different to me lately. Maybe he is weather-beaten but he does not seem to be friendly or joke as he used to. I hope he is just tired from overwork but I know I noticed Debbie was not friendly before she went in town. Maybe Prokes is friendly with others, but I did notice this – I may be just off the wall, but thought I should report anything different.
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I think I sounded like I’m totally anti-intellectual but there are many here that I dislike – any insensitive types like Al Touchette – I have a difficult time with him. And I do like Jan Gurvich fairly well.
[Editor’s note: Writing on balance of page flipped 180°]
To: Jim
Paper on Dick Tropp’s paper, relating to traitors, starving babies and self-analysis
From Annie Moore
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Dear Dad
As far as fucking it up in the US, I don’t think I did near as much as I have since I have been here. I was too busy working with Maria and Debbie when you were over here to be getting into trouble with an outsider or spending money. I spent my allowance that I got monthly, which I should have given back to the church, but I never have taken any money nor have I hung out with outsiders. Before the big crisis and destruction of tapes I was fairly lazy. All I did was work, sleep and sometimes watch Kimo in the evenings. I never really did anything of any importance that I could get in any trouble for – no real responsibilities, which was my own lazyness of not getting involved more with letter-writing or nursing or anything at the church. I already wrote you about the drug taking I did. I never spent enough time with Lynetta in the States. I feel like I never gave Carolyn enough support when she was pregnant with Kimo. I indulged in drinking Cokes and Dr Pepper’s in the States.
In Georgetown, I have always felt bad for about four times that I bought coffee and pastries with Debbie Touchette – even though she said a man gave her the $20.00 – it was not ours to spend.
What I have really felt worst about his relationship with Irra for many reasons.
1) It took time away from Lynetta that I could have spent, plus time from productive projects and Kimo.
2) It is a totally self-centered thing to do when our people are still in the USA and I know many
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of them aren’t fucking around. I should have been true to them and wasn’t – especially to Jean Brown and people like her who work so hard. Terry Buford.
3) Irra is cold and bitchy to you and to have her do you this way and me being a part of her makes me ill. I feel I have totally dissappointed you. I could have at least pick someone decent to fuck around with.
4) I had the nerve to think I should have some sexual pleasure when so many others are suffering in the world.
These are the main things. I scratched an “L” in my arm to always remind me of how I Field Lynetta, so that I can work hard and so I would see it if I were in a position to be screwing around with Irra, so I wouldn’t do it. I despise Irra but have a sickness about her so that every time I am confronted especially if I think it is unfair I think that I would just go away and lay up with her. I know that she is still “open” for a screw (or whatever). When I did it, with her, although physically I enjoyed the sex, I thought I was getting back at everyone who bugs me like Tish [Leroy] or Phyllis [Chaikin] because I thought it would bother them if they knew. A stupid idea – but I would want to do it out of hostility at people to get back at them since fucking around with a woman was or is so taboo – especially a rebellious anarchistic one. But all it did was end up hurting everyone I felt close to, plus myself
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so it is all so stupid and confusing. I don’t see how anyone in a sex relationship can be productive because I spent relatively little time with Irra – enough to screw around and quit – compared to some people who live together and do everything together and I felt paranoid and fucked up the whole time. Plus you just think about your own ass all the time but maybe some relationships are different from this – with sex included – I can’t see it, though.
All I can do is work extra hard and not get into any more trouble. I feel haunted by the guilt all of the time. And I feel like everyone hates me – but they should – which then makes me weird and hate everybody else, which is wrong. I can’t ever feel like I am doing my part so much that I think I should be on the Learning Crew for the rest of my existence here and forget the nursing. If you or anyone wants to do any pain tests or whatever I would gladly volunteer. I deserve to be tortured and would gladly accept it. This and hard work is about the only thing I think would be good to repay what I really can’t repay.
Sincerely, Annie Moore
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To Dad
Re: Guilt from past in US & here
Annie Moore
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BB-28-g-1
To: Jim
I don’t really feel any basic hostility to you that I can think of. My hostilitys are basically based on someone doing me wrong or someone else wrong and you never fit into the category because you are always good. The only things I can think of are short term temporary hostilities that wear off quickly when you confront or criticize me or make me look at a fault of mine that I can’t stand to look at. It is only a basic hostile reaction I get when I am criticized and I go through this big thing that you don’t trust me. My self-image is very important. The only way I can remedy it is to say to myself “Fuck you – you’ll see who’s standing with you in the end because I will never leave you.” Then I get over pretty fast and decide that you like me ok. It is all stupid reactions I have. Then I sometimes remedy the hostility by thinking why should you like me anyway – I am such a shit ass – so then I just go and do my work.
I am still attracted to you sexually, but I don’t think about it as much as I used to. I always feel like fucking you if you touch me or smile and do this thing with your eyes at me but I try not to dwell on it so I won’t get all hung up. I feel bad about this fling I had with Irra. She acts nice to me but she does not act friendly to you so as far as I am concerned she can fuck herself. From now on I will beware of people who act nice to me but not to you or others. I feel like I am always in
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a sexual conflict because everyone says they don’t feel like fucking or whatever and I still do sometimes, or a lot of the time.
If I act like I don’t like to be around you, is because I am afraid I will be bugging you. Also it is too painful because of all the pressure and shit you go through.
Thank you for bringing me here and letting me stay even for all the shit I have done. I am having difficulty working through being guilty so I figure I should just work hard to make up for it or try to. I am sorry for the extra dissappointment I am causing you.
Annie Moore
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To: Dad
I apologize for the delay in writing this. I was very upset and hostile about Phyllis’ evaluations of me. I feel like she does not like me in the first place so she tries to find things wrong with me and they are irrelevant or else lies. The two evaluations I have seen of me are longer than the other workers and she could have said the same about the other workers but she doesn’t. She seemed almost gloating to let me know how I caused Emmett Griffith nerve damage by the shot I gave in his arm when it didn’t cause the damage. She wanted to pin me so bad. It is too bad that I even have seen her evaluations of me (2 of them) because it makes me hostile – her one-sided approach. Every meeting we have I stay awake but the one time I didn’t which I explained to her beforehand, that I was very sleepy, it was my first time working all night so could I be excused to go to bed – she said no. She never included that until recently Liz fell asleep all the time. So, I am not afraid to be criticized – publically or not but Phyllis is not accurate, she is not in the office enough to know what is going on. I think one or two persons should write the evaluations who work in the office and someone else write on the two who write the criticisms. Good or bad – the evaluation regarding myself from her is not accurate. I will write my own evaluation of myself which can be read publicly because I know I am a piece of shit and have done just as much shit and probably more than most of the people. I feel guilty about this stuff and am trying to correct it. Some of the things I can’t correct because the damage is already done. Here is the list.
I am not a hard worker. I am lazy and I let the other workers around me be lazy because I am
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afraid that I will not be “in” with them, even though I am not “in” anyway.
I am late to work every night and lately, do not put in any extra hours if I don’t have to.
I did cause Larry [Schacht] to get mad and I apologize only because his work would be affected and because he would put pressure on you.
I talk about can make smart cracks about Don Fields around anyone.
I talked behind Phyllis’ back to Larry.
I smart-alec Lois to anyone but her and Joyce Rozynko.
I treat certain males who have medical problems worse than the other patients.
I was worried a long time that something like Lela’s wound would happen to her foot when I treated a sore on her toe caused from the pressure from her shoe but did not care enough to keep a daily check on her, so now her foot it is totally fucked and I feel totally responsible.
I pulled the core of a boil from Curtis Smith’s nose with non-sterile forceps. The entire nose was better the next day but the chance was 50-50 that infection could have gone straight to the brain which would have drawn on your power to heal him.
I am moody and take it out on my coworkers.
I think I am a professional on wound care and take over in a large wound instead of showing others how to do it.
I let my hostility to Phyllis and Don Fields affect my work.
I called Renee Kice a bitch real meanly and even though I thought she had done me wrong I should not have talk to a black sister so doggy as I did.
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I feel too sorry for myself with no good reason.
I let people think I am real good when I am not.
I give people I am closer to, medicine that I would not give to others.
I caused you to die by negligence of reading the side effects of drug I gave you for your stomach which caused you inability to urinate and your respiratory tract to dry up. I attribute part of this to 2 Darvons I took earlier that night just for kicks.
I experimented with drug taking on my job in Ukiah jeopardizing the whole church, also in San Francisco, but not on my job. I did it a couple times here but have stopped some months ago.
I gave you salt to make you vomit in hastiness without thinking of your ulcers and body chemistry disregarding what you said about it and you died on the floor in the bathroom and your son Stephen [Stephan] had to help revive you, causing more pressure and pain for him and you both.
I treated Stephen badly when he overdosed in San Francisco and acted hostily instead of trying to understand his pain.
I was too busy having sex with Irra Johnson when I could have been making the last part of Lynetta’s life more happy by drawing pictures for her and visiting more.
I used the excuse that I was visiting Lynetta during work hours – just to get out of the medical office, which I hated, instead of visiting her because I wanted to.
I failed Lynetta totally.
I had sex with Irra when Krista Amos had a fever and I should have been checking her fever all night long. It was total selfishness because I just wanted my own pleasure, instead of caring for her when she was so ill.
Every time I was screwing around with Irra I could
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have been taking Kimo and one time I manipulated it so Maria would take him on a half-day when Carolyn was gone to Georgetown so I could screw with Irra and when I went to the outhouse he was running around loose and said “No one watching me, Annie,” so I took him then.
When Kimo was little he would not stop screaming for 2 hours so I yelled at him and shook him and then found out he had a severe ear infection the next day.
I never went to the Relationship Committee when I was with Irra and acting hypocritical about people with relationships when I was doing the same thing.
I took time to have sex when others never have the pleasure – especially you – and people who had their genitals removed when they were tortured.
These are only a few of my faults. I tried to put the worst ones down. I feel terrible about them and feel like I should be beat or tortured or put in a tiger cage. I know you would probably not allow this. I would be glad to go on Learning Crew forever but it seems less torturous to me than the medical office because I could be outside doing physical work and would not be allowed to talk or have people talk to me, nor would I have to be a supervisor to assholes who don’t work. So Learning Crew seems more of a favor to me than a punishment. Instead I will continue and improve myself in the medical office and help Larry more. I will correct my resentment to Phyllis. I still think someone who knows the situation of the medical offices should write reports. Even Lois is more accurate in criticism then Phyllis and I know Lois doesn’t like me either.
Annie Moore
This can be read publiclaly. I do not think I am too good to be criticized.
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BB-28-i-1
This is Annie’s letter re. Irra turned in three nights ago.
– she feels she will be brought up and feels guilty and filthy when other people are in trouble for relationships and she is not included
– she has still been relating to Irra sexually. She figured you knew it. She knows she was not in love. She wanted to find out what it was like to have sex with a woman. It was a novelty at first. Irra never expressed her inner feelings to Annie. She mentions that when she is in the nursery Irra seems to take care of babies. But mentions she seems to have lost enthusiasm for the nursery lately. She has seen her show affection to the babies and also be bitchy. Irra did complain once that Terri C. [Cater Jones] complained about feeling sick when she hit her head yet would not see Larry. She did not pick Chaoek [Chaeoke Jones] up once saying he would be spoiled.
– She thinks she is capable of neglecting any of the babies, but has also been accused of things other workers actually did.
– She started the relationship out of pure selfishness and is now ashamed.
– Annie is her only friend and she doesn’t know how she would be if she quit hanging out with her, but she has always told Annie that it is up to her what they do.
– She did defend her in a meeting. Phyllis talks about people when they are not present, Annie says.
– Annie said she sneaked and saw her evaluation which was not good, but feels the same things could have been said about any other medical worker.
– The only person she knows won’t shit on her is you and cl [Carolyn Layton].
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[Editor’s note: This page is a scrap of paper with a partial note written in capital letters.]
Note: I think it would improve ego a lot to be put on Steering Committee. She said she did not want to be which makes me think that she does indeed want to be.
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To: Jim
Carolyn can read so can the whole Jonestown if they really want
I am writing myself up [insertion: “and Irra too”] because I figure I will end up on the floor plus I feel guilty and filthy when people are in trouble for having relationships and I am not included.
I have still been messing with Irra Johnson sexually and I figured you knew it anyway. I am ready to quit and have figured how. I know that I am not or was not in love. All I wanted was to find out for sure what it was like to have sex with a woman. All the time I was under an illusion and curiosity about it. At first it was a novelty. I know that I like it but that in the middle of it I would wonder what the hell am I doing. Irra said she never had sex with a woman before which I did not believe – but maybe she didn’t. I don’t know why she did it with me anyway. She said she likes me because I am so crazy but I mistrust her because she does not like anyone else so why should I be different. We don’t talk too much – I do the talking
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and she will agree with me but she does not express any inner feelings to me. She expresses hostilities to me about nursery workers not taking care of babies properly. When I am in there she seems to take care of the basic physical needs and has seemed okay about changing their pants, but she may put on a show for me. She was very enthusiastic at first with getting the nursery fixed up with pictures and colorful sheets. It was “everything for the babies.” Lately she has been more bitchy. She has seemed to get constantly on the workers’ butts for missing bottles or giving the wrong formulas and even to changing their diapers. She seems fanatical about having enough clean clothes for the babies – especially diapers. I have seen her show a lot of affection for the babies but I have also seen her be bitchy although not physical with the babies. I am not a good judge since I do not work in the nursery. Terry told me Irra works her ass off which she seemed to do to me. She works in the laundry doing baby clothes 8-10 PM after she works 6-6 in the nursery. The only
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thing Irra ever said about Terry was that she complained about feeling sick when she hit her head but when Irra told her to see Larry, she didn’t want to but still complained. This is the only criticism Irra ever said of Terry. With Chaoek I know one time she did not want to pick him up because she said he would be spoiled and always want to be held but she said he was cute and hard not to pick up and she picked him up. She did show some hostility then, but I thought she thought she was doing the right thing by not “spoiling” him. So I really don’t know her true feelings on Chaeok. I don’t think she is capable of neglecting any of the babies but I also know that she has been pinned for certain instances that happen in the nursery that aren’t really her direct fault… Say the baby is assigned to a different worker who has been irresponsible. She told me she wrote herself up for being negligent but she switches stories so much that I don’t know what the truth is. She always says lately that she is a bitch and is always nasty – a good way that she won’t have to change however she appears to get the physical work done, keeping clothes clean, keeping the nursery
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fixed up for visitors.
At first Irra talked about how she changed and was positive. She has never said she wants to go back to the States, she says she hates the States. In all the alerts she has always been responsible for the babies and showed extreme responsibility (to me) in the very first alert. She said she is positive now but she is non-communicative if I ask her what is bugging her. I have never heard her undermine you, although she would be a fool to do this to me. She thinks a lot of people act crazy and I did too so we became friends. She told me before we even got involved that she hated Bob Davis, that he was a honky etc., and that she was going to quit him there in the States.
I started messing with Irra out of pure selfishness and am ashamed. I was not thinking of how it would affect her. As far as I know she said I’m her only friend or person she talks to so I don’t know how alienated she would be if I quit hanging out with her. She has always said it is up to me what we do. We don’t see each other that much, I don’t think.
Another reason I am writing this
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is because different ones were saying some stuff Irra was doing and Phyllis program report on me saying I defended her in a meeting. I did defend her, but Tim Carter prompted it and he does not like her nor does she him. Everyone started chiming in against her so I felt like I had to defend her because she was not there to speak for herself, and if she was being confronted for not being in medical meetings, they should not talk about her like she wasn’t a part of the medical staff, especially in front of people like Leslie Wilson and DeeDee Macon. Phyllis always insists we don’t talk about people when they aren’t there but she and Tim both jumped into Irra’s case. Also Sharon Cobb is so passive, until recently she took no initiative in checking into any problems with the nursery nor did Phyllis.
I sneaked to read Phyllis’s evaluation of the medical staff. Everything she said about me was true but the same exact things could have been said about every other medical staff person. She has made Liz look like a rose and she has been one of the most sadistic and hostile acting of any of us – which she finally was confronted for. I have never refused to
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take care of certain unfavorite patients, nor do I take my hostilities out on patients’ sores and cuts.
I hate to write things up but I guess everything is in a mess right now. I don’t especially mistrust Irra any more than any other person. The only person I know won’t shit on the issue, Jim, and Carolyn. I trust no one else.
From, Annie Moore