The Writings of Bea Orsot

[Editor’s notes: B. Alethia Orsot – known in Jonestown as Bea – was a devoted member of Peoples Temple who survived the deaths of November 1978 because she was in Georgetown for a dentist appointment. In addition to the memos below, she is the author of the essay, Together We Stood, Divided We Fell, originally published in in The Need for a Second Look at Jonestown, ed. Rebecca Moore and Fielding M. McGehee III (Lewiston, NY: Edwin Mellen Press, 1989).

[This page was transcribed by Alexandra Prince, a professor of religious studies at Skidmore College, and Caleb Taran. The editors gratefully acknowledge their invaluable assistance.

[Insofar as possible, these letters have been arranged in chronological order – it is unknown, for example, whether Orsot consistently adopted the Guyana notation of dates (date/month/year) over the American (month/day/year) – so some dates in the headings below may be incorrect. The pdf retains the original order of pages.

[These letters retain their original spelling and grammar, with corrections only for clarity and for names.]

—–

EE-1-0-4a – 4b

Statement on Self Sacrifice, September 1977

1-9-77

To: Dad
Fr: Bea Orsot
Re: Self Sacrifice

I would want, very much, to either shoot myself in a chamber or set myself afire in front of seat of Guyanese government or slowly starve myself while Guyanese people watch. No food or water. Or slowly be pulled apart by my arms.

I would do it for you. For us. I’ve done a lot to fuck up & need to make up for it. I always wanted to do it in front of White House – why not here? it’s the right time.

—–

EE-1-0-7a – 7d

Memo on Tim Stoen, 20 December 1977

12-20-77

To: Jim
Fr: Bea Orsot
Re: Tim Stoen strategy/why they are after us/their intentions

My head would not work last night – wiped out. I’ll try now.

1. 1. I feel the conspiracy (CIA controlled) is trying to get something, tangible & factual on us. This is reason for harassment from bush. For instance, “our supper” had handcuffs on him when taken. Why? Wanted to actually capture & take back a body, dead or alive set us up (by possibly taking a picture of a struggle between one of us & one of them – distort picture in way would be detrimental to us; put picture in media along with capture story; brainwash & torture one captured. They aimed at Steven [Stephan Jones] because he’s your Figured you would weaken because of blood kin. Idea originated from Grace [Stoen] who cant get John [Victor Stoen], your son; she gets revenge by taking your only other blood son, don’t think “our supper” was a kidnap attempt at all – just made to look that way. Wanted to get Steven as bargaining tool. If get you, they know, from Grace & Tim, you or any other would not weaken to torture tactics – also aimed at Steven because, as your son, knows a lot.
   2. I did not agree with majority opinion that they dont think we are violent revolutionaries. I think they do as Grace (& Tim) have made sure they do. Both, I’m sure have told them we have in our possession atomic bomb … as was expressed in PC once. If that’s not violent, what is?
   3. In addition to No 2, they fear our alliance with Russia & I think also our alliance with Russia should BE STEPPED UP immediately by whatever means necessary – Cuba as well.
   4. After Chris [Lewis] whom they murdered, they will be after John Harris whose [who’s] still there as John often went with Chris to frighten; get John Harris here fast, his companion who may weaken without him.
   5. [Jim] McElvane may be next on murder list. Get him here – one suggestion. Warning: they could betrying to get us to do just that so as to weaken our security there – making Marcie [Marceline Jones] (first) & our people more vulnerable.
   6. They are working from both ends to destroy – playing one end against the other.
   7. About [US Treasury Department ATF] Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms connection which I have – I could probably get more information from national office in Washington where all the real information would be anyway. Thumbs down on me more so in San Francisco than Washington. I could get some information maybe by saying I left Church 2 years ago but could get more information if acted like traitor recentlydeserting here, I would not get back to you alive possibly but would be o.k. I’m ready to endure torture & death for us. Whatever information I would get before death or whatever – could be relayed to S.F. headquarters. Also send young, attractive, female with me.
   8. They will continue to try to get Steven on this end & Marcie on that end – either by direct capture to torture information out of or kill instantly, thinking it would weaken you & destroy movement.

1. Keep in mind their desire to destroy our security there so they can move in & capture or kill. Marcie / other leaders – Desire to weaken our security here to weaken, demoralize & reduce production

Tim Stoen:

Will remain strong in their favor as long as he’s there. I suggest we kidnap him, make him TALK, Find out all we need to know. Wait a while until he knows more … get him deprogrammed, administer truth serum – supper him hater. Keep confidential – general public must never know – only you + very few others (Steven/Marcie & few others) after kidnap – drive to far off place – then fly here – before he tries (& maybe successfully) to get law position here to (attempt to) further divide us from Burnham.

10. Station someone in nearby countries such as Venezuela at airports to watch for personalities connected with conspiracy – possibly young, attractive, strong female to get information – also watch jungle guides.

Conspiracy motive

To slowly demoralize, reduce production, starve out. They also figure a few may get out & talk. (underestimate our willingness to die)

Completely destroy us – a serious threat to capitalism.

One Last Bombshell

KIDNAP [Joe] MAZOR – SAME TREATMENT AS STOEN – TORTURE Administer Truth Serum + “SUPPER.”

—–

EE1-C28f – 28g

(Editor’s note: This letter is also available here.)

Beatrice Alethia Orsot Letter to Jim Jones

1-8-78

Please Read No 1 First Blow. If it is to be done – it must be done by tomorrow, Tuesday

TO: Dad
FR: Bea Orsot
RE: Additional suggestions for strategy and present feelings

First, I’d like to say that altho this is a very trying time for us, it is the moment I have been waiting for. For the first time since I’ve been here, I feel very much alive & secure in expressing my thinking publicly or otherwise & if I could exchange places with someone miles away from this dangerous scene, states or otherwise, I would not do so. I belong in the middle of this struggle.

Also, I would like to add that I do not feel good about having a selfish relationship especially at a time like this. I felt guilty about it from the start altho I don’t think my companion does as I’ve never heard him say so. Not a week goes by that I don’t say so to him with no comment. & A day never goes by that I dont think about. So because of it, I feel my debt to the cause is greater so I will be constantly be thinking of suggestions for strategy altho none of them may be worth a dam. They are:

1. I would like to walk into the courtroom tomorrow where Tim Stoen is – loaded with explosives wrapped around my body.
2. Go back to the States; have Norman Ijames rent a small plane. Get some kind of bomb – fly over CIA Center in Virginia – let them have it. Let Norman parachute out if he’s not willing to go with me – then blow up plane – me in it (altho plane will already probably be shot down by enemy for us & we won’t have to worry about it) We need to get to center of this. Such action would take hold well all over the world & inspire communist & socialist countries.

OR

3. We need to capture Tim Stone [Stoen] to get him to talk. Ramifications would be serious I know but no more serious than the present situation. Yet I wonder if we could use the information we got they would come in on us in great numbers & defeat us before we could use information to our advantage. Maybe not too.

OR

4. If they come in with Tim Stoen to arrest or whatever, let some of us lay down in the road. Either they run over us or dont get the arrest done.
5. I will stand at front gate ready with kerosene & match ready to set myself afire – if they insist on coming in & taking our children or people. Turn the guilt around on them.

—–

EE-1-0-10a – 10b

Recommendations on Resisting Attack, January 1978

1-9-78
To: Dad
Fr: Orsot

Since I’ve already had one chance to speak about why I feel we are in the pavilion, I will not again raise my hand but I do have other reasons.

1) We don’t need to let the enemy who may be observing from a daytime satellite know our numbers. Let them think we have more & keep them guessing about our numbers and weapons for our fighting formation in advance

2) If we are spread out before needed attack, we are also vulnerable for their attack from above or jungle.

3) We need to get people together to invoke revolutionary thinking and gather more ideas for strategy from collective mind.

4) Find out where peoples head are at. Find the strong and the weak.

—–

EE-1-0-8-a

Memo on relationships, 15 February 1978

February 15, 1978

To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot
Subject: Self evaluation with regard to relationships – “the nothingless realm”

First, I am not the same person I was when I arrived in Jonestown 6 months ago. Secondly, neither am I the same person I was even just 2 months ago, I have grown into a liberated woman, free of masochism. I do not need a man for anything and it has taken the last 2 months for me to find it out. Although I presently do have a relationship with Tom Grubbs, it is sure out of the ordinary relationship. It has amounted to a working relationship almost totally. He does not get home until 12:00 or 1:00 A.M. any night. When he does, he is wiped out … so am I, and since I have decided to return to the radio room nights to learn QSO, it will amount to Tom’s coming in and my going out.

I do not have the respect for Tom that I once had. The respect for his ingenious mind is there but that seems to be all of it. My basic reason for the change in my mind is taking notice of his passive manner. He really makes me sick on the stomach … so does his sex, for the most part, which is nil. I can see without a doubt that everything you say about a relationship is true and it can be described in a very few words, simply, “there is nothing to it”. It’s nothingness … period. As I said before, my main cause for lack of respect now is his inability to confront people. He is a pussy-foot, mealy mouth. I have told him so to his face … not in a hostile way, but I have told him. I am always on his ass privately and publicly in teachers meetings. In fact, I get on his ass more than anyone else in teachers meeting and have gotten on the teachers ass for not doing likewise. I do not know what has happened to his strength in this area but it seems to be getting weaker instead of stronger even after he has been made aware of it. I do not trust a mealy mouthed person, and the more I look at just this one phase of his personality, the more I lose respect.

In my opinion, Tom is a very, very hard worker, one of the hardest in the church. I do respect that, however. There are many aspects I respect but the above aspect alone has caused me to change feelings. He has tried, as hard as he is capable of, to be a good companion, but he is very repressed and claims that he cannot function well in a feeling realm. Secondly, he does not have any time to function in a feeling realm, yet I cannot understand how anyone can live daily and not feel. He seems unable to demonstrate appreciation for kindness … he’s afraid to or says he is but that doesn’t matter to me personally as these things just don’t seem to matter anymore. I have gotten past that now and I know that I have because I feel differently now.

The above shocks me, as I reread it, that I have grown by leaps and bounds in this so-called relationship realm which I felt guilt about in the first [illegible word] place. I am grateful that I have arisen out of a place which has me “trapped” two years ago. I am free and I am grateful to you for it. People on the outside looking in do not know this and it does not matter … but you know it and that is the only place that it counts … as far as I am concerned. I probably will remain ‘physically” in the relationship at least for a while. It does have other merits which could be helpful to the cause but I am not overly anxious to. It really hasn’t been discussed. I don’t know if now is the time to be frank with him as I am with you … especially so, since he got very upset when I confronted him about two weeks ago. He took it very, very badly and called the confrontation a threat but later redeemed himself out of fear I am sure. He really has a great deal of hostility way down deep inside but is an expert at hiding it inside most of the time. I don’t think he would ever discuss any negative feelings with me as he knows I would write him up.

I do not hate Tom. What I really feel is “pity” & I don’t think he would want to hear that. I am afraid my honesty would affect him in a negative way although I know he is not completely oblivious to what is going on in my head and I do have a way of letting “out” what is “inside”. He just comes right out front and then it’s too late to retract. [Handwritten addition to paragraph: “Then, if he really functions in a non-feeling capacity (like he says) then it will not really matter.”]

Lastly, I would like to say that I am not attempting to build a case against Tom. You love us all the same. I do respect him in many areas and he has done nothing whatsoever to hurt me personally. I do not require much in the first place and make absolutely no demands except for the cause and for me that is a lot of growth which I, myself, can see first hand.

I am very grateful to you for it but my gratitude always puts me to work. It’s the only way to show you I am grateful so I will be back in the radio room to learn QSO – somehow I will manage the lack of sleep as all things do work out when the goal is right. I did appreciate your mentioning my name twice publicly in this respect and I figure that the reason for your mentioning my name was for me to pick up on your reason. I did, and I will be back. I appreciated your thanking me while I was there for being helpful. It was a very small thing but it went a very long way with me. With all you have on your mind, you never miss a time to show that you are grateful. When will your children learn to do the same?

I nearly drifted away from you … but I am now back with you … free and tearfully at ease. I do appreciate you as the center of my life as there is no other.

I have already taken up too much of your time.

Bea Orsot

[Handwritten addition: “(P.S. I did not like having someone between you and I)”]

—–

EE-1-0-6a– 6b

Self-evaluation, 27 February 1978

[Memo typed in capital letters]

2-27-78

TO: Dad
FROM: Bea Orsot
SUBJECT: Self-evaluation of myself and evaluation of companion, Tom Grubbs.

Self-Evaluation

I think I am better than other people. I think I have the right to be moody, like others don’t have problems too, like you have all of our problems and are never moody. Feel sorry for myself, although not nearly as much as I used to.

I still think of “white” as elevated. The proof of it shows in my selection of a white companion who demonstrates he thinks he is superior because of his educational bullshit.

My follow-up in my work is not consistent enough. My productivity coincides with my moods which is counter productive.

When I find a place for myself, working closely with you (QSO for instance) I have found myself not wanting other new people to come in. I show my dislike by my facial expression and lack of warm welcome to them – yet I need that same welcome and warmth from those who have worked with you a long time. I do get it, particularly, from Maria Katsaris. She makes me feel very comfortable and not less important than she is. I take this opportunity to praise her. The minute I saw this fault in myself, I immediately started to correct it with no problem but I wanted you to know I was aware of it.

I think too damn much of myself … I am not really worth a shit without the group and should not separate myself from them which is elitism. I am an elite person … carry over from capitalism.

I am a devious person. If I feel someone has been unfair with me, I will hold it against them forever until I get revenge.

When I personally dislike someone, like Dick Tropp, specifically, I do not discard that fact from my mind when someone else is confronting him. I am constantly on his ass because I do not like him – not always because he is wrong but because I do not like his ways. I would not want the same biased treatment myself.

I care about myself and no one else. Whatever care I pretend to have usually reflects back to the concern for self. I use people to my advantage.

I give people the run around, at times, in the book deposit. They will ask for something and I will say I do not have it just because I do not want to be disturbed from doing my work. I dont have the right to shit on people like that. I am the first one to yell when I am shit on.

I am defensive when confronted by others; trying to look good when I know that I can’t even make a perfect piece of shit.

I have an abrupt, porcupine personality.

I talk behind peoples backs … and dont keep my mouth shut

Have missed steering committee 3 times as too wiped out from QSO. Should have gotten permission … or at least sent word I would not be there. I would be pissed if a teacher didn’t show up for a meeting and would write them up for it.

Greatest fault is taking advantage of you with the above shit which emits from me and no one else.

I am not humble and fail to see that the faults I see in others are usually mine presently or have been in the past at some time.

I am a bitchy person and do see why I am no longer your secretary.

I was very threatened by it for a long time but no more. I couldn’t physically hold up anyway and cannot touch the intelligence that your secretaries possess. I am glad that you have the help you need.

Evaluation companion, Tom Grubbs:

He is forgetful and lets work slide.

He does not organize his time, although I am constantly on him for it. He will do it for a few days and then back slide. As a result, time is wasted.

He thinks that he is indispensable.

Wants to continue to be the good guy. Is mushy mouthed, pussy foot, passive. Does not consistently confront teachers … at teachers meeting. The day after the medical staff was confronted on the floor, he came out strong at teachers meeting the next morning about the necessity for confrontations. Ever since then, the idea has slid back down the hill. I have to remind him to confront. For example, this morning, Shandra James was asleep in teachers meeting – so was Peter Wotherspoon. I had to call it to his attention – then he politely confronted them. Then Shandra went back to sleep – he said nothing.

He puts my job down, referring to it as “mundane secretarial duties” which he doesnt have time to be concerned with as will take away from his very important work. Does not like, at all to be confronted about this. Got very hostile and totally defensive when I jumped on him like a tiger. He would not allow a teacher to be that defensive. Said what is he supposed to do – do the mundane things and let go of the more important things … total defensiveness. To refer to my secretarial duties (which I detest) as mundane is a put down. Dont like it worth a shit … and I let him know it. In fact, he has gotten a copy of these faults so he can look at them. He wont like it but he’s getting it. The mundane work makes his ass look good, not mine.

Lately, (just lately – dont know why), he has become almost unapproachable to confront. He goes off into an emotional, hostile, rage which has caused me to slow up a bit and walk around him. Maybe I am giving him too much too fast as I do give him a lot of criticism all the time and I am sure he hates me for it although he is nice to meet me in a personal way.

I do remember that when Chaikin was confronted by me in PC for putting my secretarial job down. … he got it and was nailed by you fast for doing so. When I told Tom that this A.M., he came back with “what am I supposed to do–do the mundane things and just slack off the more important things – well, I can do that” … … which is a very poor, defensive, hostile position to take and to me, demonstrated his lack of confidence in your way of handling the situation. It sure came out that way … to me.

Tom does not confront me. Just defends himself.

He ignores a great deal of the work that I do for him in order to make his job more effective. As a result, I have stopped doing some of it, like teacher observations. He writes his own write-up & never considers mine. When I told him that he ignores me but never ignores Karen Layton or Carolyn Looman, he said, re: Karen – I do not ignore her because she will write me up – like I am too weak or less principled to write him up – which is another put down. When I got on him about it. He went into one of his emotional rages. This was about 5 weeks ago. What he doesn’t know is I am continuously writing him up.

Bea Orsot

—–

EE-1-0-9a – 9b

Memo on Temple enemies, 8 May 1978

5-8-78

To: Dad and Terri Buford
From: Bea Orsot
Subject: Ways to get our enemy

Tim Stoen and the Mertles

Since they live together, I suggest the following:

1. Let me (or someone) go knock on their door. Say I have been living back east and visiting San Francisco on vacation. They have no way of knowing if I am still in the Church or not. I could have left last spring as I was fed up with the church. Had not heard anything about the church since I left and had no contact with anyone on the church … afraid to as they might find out my whereabouts and harm me. While visiting San Francisco, heard rumors about the truth about the church. Glad to know he, Tim Stoen, had left. Ask if I can join them. Say this to get in the house. Continue conversation inside with preferably Stoen and Mertles [Elmer & Deanna Mertle, aka Al & Jeannie Mills] if both are there. Let them do the talking as much as possible from this point.

(Do not think they would suspect me as they have probably never thought of me as being strong enough to do this)

Have others of us across the street. I could give them some sort of signal to come in like light a cigarette in window they can see.

When they get in, we will separate the Mertles from Tim Stoen. Make it look like Tim committed suicide either by turning on gas (depending upon if they have a gas stove), or poison which we will make him take, however, before his suicide attempt, we must first get him to talk if possible; then we hold a gun on him while he kills them by smothering. Force him to write a suicide crazy nigger note, saying he could not stand the guilt of what he has done to good people … that he must have flipped out because he was scared the system would harm him and he did it to save his own ass and that since the Mertles encouraged him on, he doesn’t think that they deserve to live ether so that’s why he shoots them. [Arrow points to handwritten marginal note: “He could hate them (Mertles) deeply for causing him to go against us.”] Either make him write the note or we have it already “arranged” on paper by cutting out letters from newspapers and fitting the words together. Say (Tim Stoen speaking), I do feel guilty for joining up with such murderers as the CIA but you are still very hostile with Jim Jones about John Stoen; continue to say that you, Tim Stoen, are the real father and you would like the murder of the Mertles to look like it was done by Peoples Temple as this might frighten the church into letting Grace have the child. If the letter is patched together with different letters from newspapers and magazines, it would look like Tim Stoen purposefully set it up that way to lay the blame on us … when in fact he killed the Mertles himself.

First check the area for many, many days and nights to see if possibility of CIA or others watching the house. If that is the case, they are watching, then would have to think of ways to do same thing away from the house … like stopping their car and forcing them out, etc.

Sounds crazy I know, but a split personality could think this way – divided emotions and feelings.

The two emotions could drive one to suicide.

[Page 2, handwritten addendum]

If done away from home (which I really prefer – is safer & have more time to make him talk) Mertles & note could be stuffed in trunk of car or back seat & parked in front of their house. Stoen’s body could be propped up and over steering wheel as if he took poison after parking car.

No 2

CIA has methods of causing heart attacks. Can we find out how.

—–

EE-1-0-5-a

Memo on traitors, 15 May 1978

Very Confidential

5-15-78
To: Jim J

Fr: Bea Orsot

Re: Vital reminder for impending traitors

You just requested names of those you prophetically linked with traitor-traits.

About 4 years ago, while in revelation, you sharply pointed at Tom Fitch & called him a spy. I thought of this the other night, when he said he wanted to get out through the jungle even though you said you were going to commit suicide.

Also, you have spoken about Tom Grubbs as possible traitor (has lots of repressed hostility and cleverly covers it up) … I write you often about what I observe as I have not forgotten. He is going thru a hostile period now – because he doesn’t have authority to run the school like he wants to – so he is showing his hostility by avoiding usual school responsibilities (can’t be found in book deposit or school tents, most of the time lately according to Inez Wagner, his secretary). Instead he’s spending a great deal of time making games, puzzles, etc. with wood, says it relaxes him & he enjoys it. I wouldn’t think anyone could afford to spend too much time enjoying anything. This is what I mean by “clever cover up for hostility.” He still is clever enough to be passively sweet otherwise but there’s lots of cruelty underneath – as I see it.

I got into relationship thinking of this but always believe anyone can change (your words were not prophetic) since he had demonstrated growth. [Additional note in margin: “Then I thought I’d be in a good position to observe as a companion.”]

Inez Wagner just told me she thinks she saw his passport in his briefcase. We will check to be sure and let you know.

I am still puzzled & concerned about what he did 2 Sundays ago on his half day off – went to nursery by Lynetta’s grave and took a 1 hour nap – & the balance of day was spent listening to tapes. Both of these 2 things are O.K. inthemselves but it demonstrates withdrawal – to brood & think – about what?

He did say afterwards (immediately) that he was dissatisfied because he didn’t have the authority to run the school as it should be (in so many words)

Bea Orsot

—–

Reflection on Jim Jones’ Pain from Bea Orsot, 27 May 1978

EE-2-f-8a

[Editor’s note: This letter was typed in all capital letters, and much of it was underlined.]

May 27, 1978

To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot Grubbs
Subject: What I feel are your greatest pains and strengths

Pains

I feel your greatest pain is intertwined with your awareness of our lack of awareness of the fact that all you are attempting to do is to teach us to give up our selfishness (ego) in exchange for a better way of life, that life being communism. In short, our self-centered interests is your pain and our unwillingness to understand that in anarchistic ways which brings us pain. All of us have suffered in numerous ways under capitalism, having shed many tears because of it. Our tears have created you yet we are slowly really accepting you, our only answer. Even when I think of the traitors, I clearly see that your pain exists, in each instance, because of their self-centered desires. The whole trip is like a tug-of-war. Self pulling away from selflessness, you being the latter, we being the first. It is so difficult for you to get us to understand this … simply but yet complex equation. It is only through relinquishing self that we can experience authentic freedom and security. We must exchange ourselves for these things. I can see the pain in others that I myself once knew. They are still pulling the other way in a desperate effort to find and hold tight to the life yet they will never find it until they give it. Their inability to see this is your pain – much of it.

Then to further multiply, you maintain a secure, in prison yourself, constantly attempting to sustain, protect and ward off the enemy, never getting the needed rest. You have to deal with the shit from the outside only to barely sit down and you must face the shit here… This goes on continually which has got to be painful.

The selfishness in each one of us causes pain for someone else. We will not treat others as we bitch to be treated; that is painful to you… as the individual pain of each one of us is your pain.

Much of your pain is caused by the elitism you see daily, not only in far off places but in those who work side-by-side with you. It is painful for you to even work with them yet you must walk around some to keep them functioning for the greatest good. Everything you do is for our greatest good – yet there are many of those who use it against you – many here yet and they would sell you out if they got the chance. Our not understanding your motive is painful.

Our inability or unwillingness to see the shit in ourselves because we are so busy concentrating on the shit in others which is a reflection of ourselves is definitely one of your greatest pains.

Our lack of interest in producing and building up the community of Jonestown to our fullest capacity – a place for us – not for you.

It is painful for you to see anyone of us have something that everyone does not have. We have not reached total quality … nor pure communism.

It is painful for you to think about there is no one with your character to fill your shoes when you are no longer our leader. You worry about what will happen to the people. All of us use you because we need you but who is really trying to be like you. I think of something Harriet Tropp once said in public that caused you pain. She said the group would cease to exist when you ceased to exist. Incidentally, while I am at it, I personally feel that she would not remain in the group if you were no longer here … or why did she make that Freudian slip. I watch her closely and have done for years – just as I watched Grace S. [Stoen] and Debbie B. [Blakey]. I see the same hypocrisy and I have wanted to say so for a long time but I have been afraid to. Well I am not afraid anymore. Why should I be afraid to say what I think is right to say really, I should have let you know how I felt about Grace S. and Debbie B. before they turned traitor – not after the fact. (Although I did write up Debbie B. once)

—–

EE-2-f-8b

Pains (continued)

You are painful [pained] because capitalism still exists in many parts of the world which means people are suffering in order that a few can live in luxury. You are here as the administrator of justice of the entire world and as long as one person is being treated unjustly, then you will continue to pain which means your pain shall never cease.

Our negligence and just being sensitive and kind to each other … thoughtful & considerate. Last, but not least, the hypocrisy in us all is very painful to you.

One more – the necessity of having to punish people in boxes and new brigades in order to make them grow towards their own happiness and security is extremely painful for you. You sure don’t like doing it… The majority would cast the light in the other direction and sell you out because of it.

I could write pages about your pain but already I have taken up too much of your time.

Strengths

Your strengths come about when you see in any one of us some portion of your honest, just character which you see too little of. I see a great deal of you in some just as I have seen the lack of you in some – so far I have been right too, so I thought this would be a good place to tell you of those I see some of your character in. I do not see the hypocrisy in them as I have in 3 mentioned earlier. It may bring you strength to know who I think they are: (1) Marcie, of course, (2) Jim Jones Jr., (3) Steven [Stephan] Jones, (4) Johnny Jones, (5) Ava Jones, (6) Karen Layton, (7) Paula Adams (just recently I have noticed), (8) Maria Katsaris, (9) Terr Buford, (10) Sharon Amos, (11) Mike Prokes, (12) Carolyn Layton.

I picked these people as examples because they are at the top and it is the top who have caused you the greatest pain. I feel the above persons demonstrate a minimum of ego and an active understanding and demonstration of your teachings. Some names at the top are missing intentionally because I do not feel they belong on this list. I certainly would not put myself on this list either. I have too many faults. The fact that this list is so short is also painful to you yet the 12 who are here are your strengths … and I am grateful for every one of them.

It strengthens you to know that we are learning to become sensitive to the sufferance of people all over the world through making ourselves knowledgeable of the news; to know that many former religious folk are finally getting in touch with the truth and are expressing it. It strengthens you to educate the people who did not have the opportunity before.

In short, the following are some additional things which give you strength:

1. Greater productivity
2. $$ making ideas which will succeed
3. Greater sensitivity to others
4. The winning of another battle with capitalist (alphas)
5. Our taking a personal interest in Jonestown
6. Our ability to stand up for what we believe to be right no matter if everyone else thinks it is wrong
7. Our ability to face death without fear.
8. Our determination to do right because it is right as opposed to doing so to impress you.
9. Principled demonstration of our gratitude.

I could go on but this is too long.

Respectfully,
/s/ Bea Orsot Grubbs
Bea Orsot Grubbs

—–

EE-1-0-2a – 2e

Letter to Karen Layton and Marceline Jones, 28 May 1978

Karen or Marcie

Please put this directly in Dad’s hand. It contains very sensitive information which must be put on file & some immediate action regarding Father’s life must be taken.

White sheet on front & back are to protect the type will rub off. Paper can be used later

Bea Orsot Grubbs

5/28/78

EE-1-0-2b – 2e

[Handwritten note at top] Very sensitive – to be put on file. (This type will rub off w/ fingertips so be careful)

[Typed document, all in capital letters]

5-28-78 — SUNDAY
TO: DAD
FROM: BEA ORSOT GRUBBS
SUBJECT: TOM GRUBBS

The situation with Tom is dangerous potential!! I did not realize the impact of this situation which I find myself in so much until last night. Before I get into detail, he should be watched very carefully. He is the most hostile person I know. I spent most of the entire night talking and listening to him. First, thanks for telling me to be kind and sweet. If I had not done that, I do not know what would have happened.

He is not pissed because I wrote him up about neglecting his household duties. He understands that so I withdrew the memo to relationship committee (original to you yesterday) to remove some of the pressure. I told him I did which helped to relax him. What he is most hostilly upset about is: your reference to someone who walks up and down the paths with a quick walk, doesn’t like mundane work; doesn’t follow-up; doesn’t get the job done; bullshits a lot about getting done, [illegible word] secondly and in that order, he was hostile because he thought that I wrote it up. Of course, you know the truth about that so I will not go into it here for reasons. He said this was the second time I lied on him (in other words, totally denying all of the accusations – refusal to look at self) – the first being when I had him on the floor in S.F. several years ago for saying that he sometimes did not trust you. That was not a lie either. He said it. Secondly, he ties that in with this saying that this second time I have lied on him to you. I have not lied. Everything I have told you about Tom is the truth. He said that he thought for sure that I wrote it because I know his movements. I told him that I did not: that Penny [Kerns] wrote him for some complaint (which she did – she told me she did in detail. I have explained the situation to her and she is willing to admit she wrote him up, however, it will not be necessary because if this entire matter is not stopped; I feel Tom may even attempt to harm you. I know that this is a far out charge but when you finish reading this report, you will agree with me. He said that when he thought that I had written him up, he just wanted to die, so much so that at last night’s meeting he had planned to do something terrible but because you stressed kindness last night, he decided against it. He said he was going to do something that would definitely cause you to have to kill him because he wanted to die. When I asked him what he had planned, he said he could not tell me that. When I tried to make him feel better by saying that Penny has a negative story to you about everyone and writes up everyone, he said, in so many words, that you must have believed it or why did you get on the loudspeaker and blast him. He was very hysterical and very cruel, I had to put my hand over his mouth to keep cottage from hearing his hostility towards you. He said, like he is you and you are he, well, I am sure going to get this straightened out with him; like why or how could you do such a thing. I told him he should not judge you like that: that his paranoia is out of hand, first he suspected me of writing it—————- Then, he is hostile with you because you believed it and blasted him for it – could not understand why you did not know the truth – being who you are, I guess. He said whatever his faults are, his work is not one of them; that he never bullshits with his work; that if he cannot be accepted or please you through his work which is his only good trait, then he would rather be dead. I kept telling him that he should not judge you this way but he went on and on. I told him that you could have been talking about someone else altogether and I am sure that the shoe fits a lot of people (he immediately put the shoe on himself because it was a perfect fit–my comment) he said he doesn’t have time to do mundane work – not that he doesn’t like it and would do it if someone could do his job. Of course, I know the truth about that. I can see straight through it. He said he disagreed with you in your reference to him as liking to play the authoritarian role. Says he hates the role because it reminds him of his Dad. (My comment: he loves it, he has become his Dad – the very thing he hates – he cannot face the truth in himself because it is too painful) I continued to tell him he was getting carried away in his paranoia: that he should not make the mistake of judging you that way as I would bet my life that you were not even referring to him. All the time he is talking, remember I have to hold my hand over his mouth. I think he would have liked to have screamed loudly and broken something he was so hostile (like he did the fly swatter). He said he has always had trouble in dealing with the authoritarian role in you – from years back. (My comment: he really hates you Father – I think he is capable of attempting to kill you — I am not trying to look good — This is my honest opinion – as painful as it is … it is not easy to admit that about your companion – I certainly hope I am wrong but I do not think so one bit)

[Handwritten note: “So he wants [illegible word] because he hates himself”]

If he were outside in the states or even Georgetown today, I think he would leave you and sell you out in the most cruel way … like he would turn you over to be tortured. I can see straight through him. It is amazing. I need the ability to see that clearly through myself.

Now, Tom also said to me that he has thought for several weeks that I have been assigned by you to monitor him. He is still not convinced that this is not the case … but then why did he tell me all this is he thought that. I have, for sure, convinced him that I did not write him up and that Penny did. He has agreed to that and believes it to be the truth especially since I told him the contents of Penny’s write up since she did tell me most of it. I told him he better not tell her either or my ass would be grass. I had to use that to get his confidence. It worked but he still believes I monitor him, he says.

He began to calm down about 4:30 A.M. Then I told him I had to go to the kitchen to get my sandwich for underweight problem. He thought I was going to the radio room to report him to you; I assured him I was not even going to stop by the radio room and that he could follow me if he liked so he said O.K., he’d go to sleep.

Now as to his desire to dissolve the relationship. Most of it was based on the fact he thought I wrote him up. Secondly, he said he still felt it would be because he is unable to give anything that is true. It takes all and gives absolutely nothing. I break my ass to help him (used to … stopped cause got fed up). He is very unappreciative, thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish period. Never knows how to say he is sorry, thank you, or I appreciate you, etc. Never see him really. Works from 6AM to 1AM and is wiped out when he comes in. People in cottage wonder why they never see him but that’s O.K. now after I have learned the truth about his potential danger to you. I will continue to be thoughtful and do things for him. I will continue to kiss his ass and lick it too to keep him in control and off of you. The reason is different now so I do not mind doing it. I’ll continue to get the job done.

I told him that I needed him which seem to sit well with him. We cannot afford to let him out of my grasp. If he asked for a dissolution, it must be denied. Now, I have several suggestions for you to follow in order to maintain Tom:

1. He must never know that I wrote him up. The matter will have to be dropped … entirely.
2. You should send him a message, personally, and assure him that it was not he you were talking about.You could say it was Dick Tropp … as much of that fits him too … in fact, a hell of a lot of it … except for the “quick walk” but you could always say that was put that way for a decoy.
3. You should show him some personal interest like voicing your concern about his loss of weight. He is skin and bones underneath and his ribs stick out. He sees the concern I get from Marcie because of my lack of weight but he doesn’t get any concern. He needs to be put on extra snacks like I am at 12:30 P.M. – as many as 2-3 sandwiches. Also maybe milkshakes. He would appreciate that.
4. He must be told by you that I need him. Put the shoe on the other foot.
5. Publicly state that our relationship is a good one … a good example … one of the few that demonstrates productivity. It is that … and we are not sex oriented. Sex takes place rarely & Tom does not even care about it that much, one way or the other. He is too tired from working.
6. Frequently praise his hard work. He does work very hard but there is lots of bullshit in it lots of times but he does work from 6AM to 1:00 A.M. next day so even if there is some bullshit in that period, he works far past his required 12 hours
7. Assure him that his choice of a companion is a good one … that he should stick with it.

He said he did feel better this morning at which time I told him that I needed him. He said O.K. but no more. In order to let him know that I knew how he could feel if he thought someone lies on him to you, I gave him my experience of Debbie Blakey lying on me and causing you to blast me and nearly causing me to leave the church, he related to it and that increased his trust in me.

Tom will never be able to take a strong truth oriented confrontation from me about him. He will have a mental breakdown. It might go well for others to do it but not me. I am a mother figure to him (although he refuses to admit it) his trust in me must never be broken. If it is … he will for sure take it out on you. Please have him watched forever very carefully … his goings and comings. He does possess the capability of killing you but if we follow these instructions I have laid out here, I do feel we wouldn’t have to worry about. He is just one of the people we will have to walk around. If he ? out of here, he would be more dangerous than all the traitors put together.

Faithfully, Bea Orsot Grubbs

[P].S. To Tom Grubbs memo from Bea Orsot Grubbs dated 5-28-78

I did express your love for him very strongly. I had to. He needs it very badly. He doesn’t think you think much of him. I told him that you were so concerned about him that you sent me a message yesterday that he was under a lot of pressure and to be kind to him. He seemed to appreciate that but seemed surprised because he said you did not sound like you were so concerned when you blasted him (or at least he thought you were aiming that at him). I told him I knew that you did not want us to break up. No comment. He seems to be pulling himself together gradually but he does need some personal feedback from you, at least a message by one of your secretaries … not me. He said last night that he must get this straightened out with you because it is bothering him considerably.

Every word I have told is the truth and nothing but the truth. Tom is just a very sick person. He told me originally that he was but I did not want to believe him. I see now clearly that it is true. I will do all I can to help you help him and help him help you.

Bea Orsot Grubbs

—–

EE-1-0-3-a

Undated Statement on Socialism

Beliefs Re Socialism

By: Bea Orsot

Socialism is the only right, just, form of government. It is right because it is equalitarian. All the people share equally in the benefits through cooperative efforts which benefit all. It’s theory operates successfully because the abilities of each are shared with & to those according to their need. Racism & favoritism are nonexistent. The means of production are owned by the people – not just a few. Socialism is unity & solidarity. It’s the only right theory & because it is, I would be privileged to die fighting for this principle even if it means slow torture & the loss of my leg, arms & eyes. I can only die once & it doesn’t take long anyway. If pain is too severe, I will lose consciousness but will take with me every possible means of fascist life. Two days ago, I was afraid because I don’t really have any fighting experience – absolutely none! I thought the enemy would get me before I could get him which would weaken our ranks and a good weapon could be lost to them that could have been effectively used to kill them had it been in the hands of an experienced fighter.

Now, it is 2 days later and I’ve done a great deal of soul searching which has resulted in the following statement: I do have the fighting experience needed. Its 51 years of painful living in a capitalist country – the U.S.A. is a black misfit in a white world. I’m sick, weary & tired of having my life slowly sawed away – it’s easier & less painful to have it quickly chopped off as I look forward to that last breath of life I take when & after I cut the fascist pig to pieces to acquaint him with the pain he has caused us oppressed people.

Finally, socialism means to me a man called Jim Jones. Some thought he was a preacher – instead, he’s a master teacher [three lines of faint writing]

—–

Memo to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 3 July 1978

EE-2-f-9a – 9b

7-3-78
To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot Grubbs
Re: Suggestions for getting our people out

Some should be moved out of San Francisco, keeping in mind that our US base it will be relocated on the Eastern Coast. I think one base should be in NY City & the other in Florida. NY would be ideal because it would not be too easy to trace us in a large city plus it is the airline base from US to here. Texas is another possibility in case we get another ocean vessel which would be going back & forth.

Our radio would have to be moved to one of those places & I’m inclined to think NY would not be good in this regard. Too much red tape & too expensive to find right place. Texas & Florida best. Probably would have to purchase a dwelling in order to put up such a large antenna. Hurricane problem should be kept in mind with both states. Our people to get employment there with at least 2 people working in Federal Government (like June Crym – white & a secretary) so [we] can have use of their telephones for long distance calls. A secretary will surely automatically have use of phone.

As soon as basins are established – gradually but quickly move out everyone.

This may sound outlandish – Washington DC is another possibility as jobs are more available there than any place in US. We would need that $$ to help support us here. Important contacts which we need are also there & which I could make but I would have to be there & I’m not expecting you to trust me as you shouldn’t be trusting anyone. If any of our people ever need any inside information from FCC [Federal Communications Commission] in Washington – please contact Atty Chester Roberts. He’s black. I’ve known him for a long time & he would only recognize my name as Bea Harvey (my former married name). This is just one example. There are many more.

I also suggest a base in Canada near NY – then we could travel to Cuba, where we also need to build a bridge.

I think Washington DC would be the last place they’d ever expect us to have a base – underground, permanent – our enemy traitors, especially.

Bea Orsot

We need to get away from the base of the traitors – San Francisco. The news would surely be affected. Also if we ever decided to pull an Algeria revolutionary act – Washington DC would be the ideal spot.

—–

Letter to Maria Katsaris from Bea Orsot, 4 July 1978

EE-2-m-4

7-4-78

Maria [Katsaris]

You are the only one who consistently sits “with the people” out of the ones who are close to Dad. He has said repeatedly – no one is to sit behind him. Even tonight, after he said it, I got right back up there… It pisses me off… Dad can’t see behind him but it sure looks that from out here – like disrespect for his words. I am specifically referring to [Mike] Prokes, Lee [Ingram], Carolyn L [Layton] & Joyce T [Touchette] & others

Bea [Orsot]

—–

Letter to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 8 July 1978

EE-2-m-5

[Editor’s note: This letter was typed in all capital letters.]

7-8-78
To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot Grubbs
Re: Tom Grubbs/Dick Tropp/Myself

He is not dealing with his own elitism which comes out in many ways. Last night, we were talking about people making good grades on the test. He never goes to the library and does not listen all the time but he makes excellent or above. He has a photographic memory for what he hears or sees which is a talent many are not fortunate to have. He is brilliant. When I told him that he could get good marks because he is brilliant, he came back with: “That’s a cop out for lots of people. If they wanted to learn, they could learn just like I do. They always pull that ‘you are brilliant’ on me to cover up their own lack of motivation” type thing. I am not saying that is not true in some cases but it should not be made as a blanket statement to cover all situations (dogmatism). An example of this is, I am not brilliant but I manage to get excellent plus on my tests but I spend lots of time studying wherein he does not. That is the difference. He has had the advantage of an education which has been a good one because he is white. I finished college just like he did but from an unaccredited black college which was about like a good white high school. He is not relating to the advantages of whites as opposed to the disadvantages of blacks. Again, no sensitivity.

Like many of us, he theorizes principle, e.g., Dick Tropp whose letter to you was honest but he still maintains the most chauvinistic patterns of any male I know. He still is not attempting to change. He still treats Inez Wagner just like shit in the book deposit – exactly the way he treated me. He talks down to all women, and as he admitted, he can always rationalize his position and I add, “at the cost of hurting others deeply.” Inez is about to ask for a job change and I do not blame her one bit. Tom never gets in it and confronts Dick with her. He slides right through it because he sees in Dick a reflection of himself.

Tom got through the test okay but stated he was pressured and could hardly function. Said again that the test was more than one would get in universities. Said we should have had a week to answer all those questions. Said he wrote 7 pages and 3 of the pages were on your character, etc. (no. 11) He is still (really) competing with you as to how tests should be given – is what it amounts to.

When I asked him if he had written his traitorous characteristics to you, he looked extremely uncomfortable.  I told him that I had. I rather doubt that he will. If he does, he will have come a long way as he cannot look at himself.

I feel like an elitist because I do office work all the time – like a white collar worker. Don’t like office work; had hoped I would never have it to do here but the need is here. Revolutions were made by field workers in the world has been built by those who do the mundane. I am uncomfortable about it and as soon as I catch up on QSO work, I am going in the field, at least some portion of my time. I do not have the luxury of saying my health won’t take it… Neither did others in other revolutions but they did it. Some of them died doing it. So what? It was still just as much of an honorable death as those who blew themselves up in order to kill the oppressor. Until I actually do what I am talking about, then I am an elitist.

I hate to be on Tom’s case all the time because I sure am far from perfect myself and if I didn’t have so much unprincipled characteristics in myself, there would be no way for me to see them in him.

P.S. Tom is sneaky. He’s beginning to come home at different times of the day on the pretense that he has forgotten something. He manages to purposely leave something as an excuse when he never did that before. I know it is purposeful because I leave stuff right where he can see it before he leaves and he walks out without it. He is, I think, trying to catch me writing him up, or trying to find out who I talk to when he is not there, or both. I am very careful. He will never find what he is looking for. He does not trust me and is very careful what he says to me. I think his sexual drive has diminished because of it… It is a bit difficult to get a hard on for the person who turns your ass in. (Smiles)

[Editor’s note: Second PS handwritten] Tom dreams about killing someone with a knife or his hands – never a gun or any other weapon – says he’s always had the dream.

—–

Letter to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 9 July 1978

EE-2-m-3c

[Editor’s note: This letter was typed in all capital letters.]

7-9-78
To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot
Re: Tom Grubbs/myself

As usual, the meeting was heavy on Tom’s feet… He knew they were his feet. Did not have to tell me… Just been around him long enough to know.

He was also one of the people who is talking during the Rosenberg discussion. I got on him heavy about it I told him he should have refused to talk do Evette [Yvette] Muldrow who came over to him and started talking. He should have been more sensitive and willing to be the bad boy. He or she came up and admitted they were talking– let the others take the heat whose names were called. There are many others who were talking who let the others take the heat. Two others were Mrs. [Aurora] Rodriguez and Santiago Rosas. I had taken their names down but never had the chance to bring them up. Last week I took him about 40 names and gave them to Johnny J [Jones] but it never came up. You did say specifically no talking in the pavilion and dining pavilion during the news. People for the most part completely ignore you.

He has not begun to look at himself re his lack of sensitivity (feelings) for others. When the Klingman child was on the floor for having no feelings, he said for sure that was the case – the child is alienated. He likes to theorize when it comes to others bypasses the same fault in himself.

I do appreciate your education. It has definitely made a marked change in my own sensitivity. It has not only made me sensitive to the pain of other socialists but it has made me see more of you… you being the only one who truly cares enough to attempt to change it all – to keep it from continuing to happen. It has become very tearful for me to look upon… You have… The situation has. I will not let you down Father. I know others and told you that and have broken your heart but they could not have been coming from my perspective… No way… And I am truly sorry that at times, I have gotten into my own selfish morass and lost sight of the true enemy. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to learn while the longer I take, the more you die. I know that I personally have caused your slow death with my petty discomforts from time to time. I have no right to put you through it and that is another elitist pattern of mine. I have put a stop to it as of this minute. Whatever bawling out you have given me, I deserved it, to balance out what you never bawled me out about…  the shit I got away with. I have no right to feel sorry for myself about you, justice itself, bawling me out. Who in the fuck do I think I am… when many can’t even write you their discomfort because the system deprived them of the privilege.

I am sick of my God damn miserable, bourgeois self, created by capitalism but nourished by me.

—–

Letter to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 10 July 1978

EE-2-m-3d

[Editor’s note: This letter was typed in all capital letters.]

7-10-78
To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot Grubbs
Re: My report to you on self insight

Karen L. [Layton] told me not to worry about this but I am because I have not heard you mention my name as having submitted the above report. Am sure that it was among the first you got, if not the first as I immediately submitted net and got a message from you from Carolyn Layton concerning something I had also included. Since then, I have given you two additional points re my own elitism. The first report concluded my insight into traitorous characteristics which we all think about at times. I gave you two examples of when I felt traitorous, once in the States and once here. I have not felt traitorous since and will not again.

I do not care if you mention my name publicly or not… The information was for you and I am not trying to look good or impress anyone. I just want to be sure and I have done what I was supposed to have done. I also told her that I was for sure going to stick by you to the end. I was very touched by your words yesterday and I will always be with you. I don’t give a shit if everybody splits… I will be here. I would like to say more but there is no time to do it.

—–

Letter to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 10 July 1978

EE-2-m-3a

[Editor’s note: This letter was typed in all capital letters.]

7-10-78 Monday
To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot Grubbs
Subject: Tom Grubbs

Tom says he has turned in his knife but he has kept another one which he keeps in his right pocket!!

Yesterday I went to the book deposit and had quite a lengthy talk with Inez Wagner. I let her do most of the talking… I listened… since my warning from Karen Layton to be careful when I say to her. It was my first visit to the book deposit for several weeks. Inez says that Tom appears to be working lots of times but it is bullshit to get out of real work. She says that Clara Johnson has picked up on it and has discussed it with her and neither has written it up or submitted or will do so. It seems that Clara Johnson is a very well qualified person. She has had 25 years experience at teaching which makes it much more qualified than Tom.

Tom, himself, opened up to me yesterday, conversation wise, more than he ever has since I have known him. He started out by telling me about the session that he had with the teachers yesterday A.M.; then he came down strong on some, Shawntiki Johnson for one. Said several came down on him strong, Tommy Beikman Kutulas, for one, which I admire, as few do. Tommy got on him for his intellectualism which makes his [him] difficult to approach. I told him that I totally agreed. I have the same problem with him. We bounced back and forth for quite a while calmly, however, he was very defensive and supported his own position for the most part. Of course, whenever it comes to Tom’s looking at himself, he wants to cop out somehow. From that, he went into his experience on PC, said he was not going to take that… refused to go through the confrontations… and actually left the church and went to Willits with his sister, bag and baggage. He thought that I already knew this but I did not. I did know about the PC bit, however. I told him that he was arrogant and not approachable. Told him that my dad was a PhD but no one would ever know it because he was so humble and that I grew up on a college campus and was around intellectuals constantly but none of them was like he is. He asked for specifics to get insight on himself. I gave Don Bower as another example who has lived in books all of his life in order to shut the world out. Last but not least, so as not to upset him, I used Ken Norton [Tom Grubb’s brother Richard] as a shining example in comparison to him. Ken is brilliant but also he is humble, at least, that has been my own personal experience with him; I cannot speak for others. He never puts me down and I feel comfortable enough to talk to him about anything. I kept telling Tom, he needs to learn that part of Ken from Ken so that subject ended without any hostility towards you, me or anyone. He has to deal with it.

Although he says he is not concerned about it, he is, or he would not be discussing it (knowing Tom), he is worried about being “over the hill”. He believes that the vitamin B12 prescribed by Larry [Schacht] is not vitamin B but a female hormone, estrogen because he is having difficulty with his breast; the lumps in both nipples are there for sure and very sore; he has no sensation in either nipple at all; does not know he is being touched there unless he is looking. It is very strange. He has been examined by Larry and he also finds it strange and does not know what it is caused by but is doing some research on it. Tom feels that in some way that has some connection with his impotency which is at its worst now. I assured Tom that the pills were not female hormones because they have run out of a hormone in that color. I know. It is my medicine. (He really wants to be fucked in the ass by a man but will not admit it)

Tom says that he feels like a father to Ken Norton; that Ken is a very weak person and depends on him when he is depressed and frustrated. (To me, he seems well able to take care of himself but I could be wrong because I don’t really know him that well). Tom is thrilled whenever he is talking to him… Really turned on. The other day I passed the book deposit and Tom was in the window talking to Ken who was seated beneath the window below outside. I said it before I knew it, “Which one is Juliet and which one is Romeo”? Ken laughed. Tom turned another color… showing guilt of homosexual feelings which should be normal. Tom says that he has never told Ken that he left the church once following the PC bit nor has he told him about his behavior in front of the radio room. He does not know that I told him and Ken has kept his mouth shut. I think he would be pissed if he knew I told him but maybe not. It was a logical thing to do with them being brothers. I don’t know why he would mention that yesterday but thought it important.

I finally asked Tom how he now feels about what happened in front of the radio room as he seems relaxed. He said, “I was sick… That’s all, sickness but I could, even in sickness, rationalize my side of the argument and his (meaning you). Since you started to tell him how his behavior should be but he told you not to go into it… He had sense enough to know that as he knows both sides well.

—–

EE-2-m-3b

My opinion of Tom is that if he is ever confronted again, he will flip again. Now that the teachers are beginning to confront him (thanks to Tommy Kutulas – bravo), I think others will follow. It will get heavy and he will act out. Clara Johnson is really on his case. She sees straight through him just like I did. He is worried about it too as he has demonstrated in ways described by Inez that he does not want Clara to see his own job description (because he isn’t doing what is on it).

Incidentally, while I am on Inez Wagner, she told me yesterday that Gene Chaikin has been coming on to her  and that she has not decided whether or not she will pursue it. (She is working on already because she was dressed extremely nice yesterday and has been talking about the possibility of fucking in one tone and knocking relationships with the other tone which is a very strong indication of “I am going to pursue it”) She has not told anyone about it other than me so if it gets out, she will know I reported it and will clam up about Tom and everything else probably. (Inez and I have been very close in the past and she finds it very easy to talk to me.)

Last night, Tom discussed the meeting with Ava Jones yesterday evening. He seems quite pleased about it. Said there is a possibility that he will do longer have to do administration; just teach in morning and work with students who have learning disabilities. He likes that kind of work and admits he is no administrator which is correct. He is not. Says Dolores Wilson is coming soon. (Actually Dolores and Clara could do very well with our school aside from the fact that they are black which sensitivity can only be passed on to the students by black people.)

When our relationship started 6 months ago, I told Tom all of my sexual attractions which amounted to several women, one senior citizen female and Jim McElvane. I thought he had forgotten it since he usually does not remember such things last night he suddenly said, “I’ve been thinking… Jim McElvane will be here soon and I wonder what will happen”. I told him nothing was going to happen. I was with him and I was going to stay with him; that he was for sure my last relationship. Don’t one another especially with someone like him; competition too much and can only offer pain which I avoid. He would not have mentioned it had he not been worried about it in conjunction with his sexual impotency, probably. He can’t fuck with his dick so it shouldn’t matter if he is so concerned about me which is the way he is portraying it. I’m not saying that satisfaction never happens but it is done by other means, for the most part, all of which I can do better my goddam self. He did seem relieved about my reply to him re Jim McElvane.

Even though I am constantly running Tom up, I do have feelings for him at times. Sometimes I do not. I think it is based on how he is acting as a socialist. I don’t like myself either when I am acting to the contrary which is plenty.

—–

Memo to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 2 August 1978

EE-2-f-6a – 6b

8/2/78

To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot
Re: Norman Ijames

I have never thought he was one of us. I remember once in PC [Planning Commission] you asked our vote as to the possibility of him taking over your leadership in case you were no longer with us. Some other names were [Mike] Prokes & Johnny Jones. My vote was against Norman. You asked me why I did not vote for him – I told you it was because I considered him a bourgeoise white person because he never got dirty like the rest of us, & because he came in the law office just to get his messages, like a big executive, then right out again. Later I watched him a lot – He was sneaky I thought. I used to catch him staring at me when I was looking in our files & I felt uncomfortable but had nothing to go on but that.

The following are definite possibilities which should be seriously considered.

1. Agent
2. Rejection by a woman. He has a very small penis. Loretta Cordell told me she had a relationship with him when he first married Judy [Ijames]
3. He could be in trouble – stolen $ to buy off a woman or some criminal offense & seeking a place to hide.

He’s not coming just to see his wife or child.

—–

Letter to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 3 August 1978

EE-2-m-6a – 6b

[Editor’s note: This letter was handwritten.]

8-3-78

To: Dad
From: Bea Orsot
Re: Self-criticism

I am recognizing, painfully, some of my own faults, although I am not fully realized why I am developing and/or unveiling a hateful, competitive side of myself.

The feelings that I presently have for Tom are hate & it is not because he has rejected me either – in fact quite to the contrary – he has shown an unusual amount of sensitivity, warmth, thoughtfulness & affection. But I just do not like him. I continue to see him as a potential traitor & I think I’m wrong not to forget & give him another chance, as you do. If it were me, I would want another chance but somehow I just cannot do that. I am constantly pulling him apart in my mind: His bragging makes my ass hurt about your praises of his intelligence or whatever. I think it’s the “way” he says it which causes me to look deeper. It’s sort of like, “I can do it but you can’t.” Today he told me that you called him after Peoples Rally to tell them that he had an excellent understanding of human beings & that was growing into other areas. My trouble is this. I don’t want to admit that strength in him. I feel jealous & competitive, two very serious antisocial behavioral traits. I recognize it as that & nothing else & I’ve got to work hard on eradicating both – as both defeat the end result. I must give him good credit where credit is due as you do, otherwise, I am not being fair to him or to you. (See PS over)

This thing about the grades on news test as another example of my competitiveness with Tom. It pisses me off when he gets excellent + & never studies except for last-minute reading of my notes in rally before test. It pisses me off when I’ve spent hours taking the notes, more hours typing the notes & then more hours studying the notes when he devotes only a few minutes. If I were not a jealous competitive, it would not bother me. On this particular test I got especially pissed because my paper was lost & therefore, I have no grade at all! When Tom found out about it, he said, sarcastically, “Well, maybe they’ll give you ‘very good.’” [Marginal note inserted: “Somehow I just see him as coming back at the cause in that same manner – (undercutting). My hate is also mixed up in this the same way. I’ve got to make sure I will always be able to differentiate my motive, whether it be “cause” oriented or “self-motivated.”] I’ve got to get my own ego out of the way – pin all the metals on him for the greatest good – that is what is important & nothing else!! I see this competitive hate as serious if it is not controlled & corrected immediately as it could affect strategic decisions I might make in the future so I will begin now to correct it!

P.S. All of my reports to you about Tom have been completely accurate. I am very careful about that but since I recognized my own faults discussed here, I felt it was the time to not only bring it to your attention as well but my own to correct before it gets intertwined in my analysis of him.

Thank you for helping me to see the shitty, capitalistic side of myself too!

—–

EE-2-uv-10

Letter to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 10 September 1978

[Editor’s notes: This document was typed in all capital letters.

[In context, and with the document’s writing style, “Mary” the writer as a codename for Bea Orsot.]

9-10-78
To: Jim
From: Mary
Re: The Shah [Tom Grubbs]

He has become a stranger to me in the situation is becoming more and more unbearable each day, yet I will bear it, but have to do it now, day by day, because forever it sounds too long. I do not know anyone like him. He seems to slowly be developing everything about himself into the dangerous personality. His entire physical appearance, especially his face, seems to be changing. It is not my imagination; I watch him closely and carefully. I really had not realized it so much until I recently saw a picture of him taken with the children when he first came – teaching the children – the picture that is in our pamphlet. He is not that person anymore; doesn’t act or nor does it look like it. That person was a warm, sensitive person. This person is a completely different person and very strange to me. I cannot even pretend any longer to relate to him. He knows it. I don’t know what to say anymore as it is difficult to talk to an ice cube. He says that he has some regrets about the relationship because he was under any illusion that he had something to give but realizes that he does not and cannot (will not). [Marginal note referenced here: “He often refers to his sexual inadequacy as well as inability to physically demonstrate his feelings which he says he has.”] I told him that I did not regret it because I was glad to be relieved of the illusion I was under – him having something to give. He did have it one time. It was high on my list of persons who had a rare, tender, sensitivity. The only way I would have known for sure that it was and is an illusion was to be on the inside looking out instead of outside looking in. There is no way I can analyze him completely. He is getting more and more complicated for my small mind.

Last night, he missed taking the test because he got up and left Peoples Rally. Don’t know why or where he went. I told him when he got back that we had had the test and you said, “No matter or high or low, if you didn’t take this test, you will have to take extra classes”. He did not respond at all, nor did he demonstrate any feeling on his face. He has become a poker face.

I rarely see him at all. We sleep at night, rarely anything else. When he gets up, I am asleep, don’t see him all day and then it is another night of sleep which goes on and on so I hope my analysis is not imbalanced since I only have a little time to reflect. I can only give you what and when I see whatever. This is a miserable place to be … to say the least. It is a painful frustration, having to hang on because I have to, yet I know that I must. Who will do it if I don’t? Sometimes I think he wants out as much as I do but I can’t encourage that either so it is one big pain. I do not let him know my feelings (emotionally). I told him that whenever I have ever let any man know my feelings emotionally, he always shits on them. Told me a short while back that he really never knows where I am at. I told him that I would never let him know either. He understood it having been in that realm of pain himself in the past. I could have deep feelings; I don’t, but I could. The icy situation will not allow me to. His ego will not allow me to either & this other personality surely won’t allow it.

I do think the day will come when he will flip out completely. He looks more and more insane, to me each day. I really fear him a great deal at times but I do not intend to let him know that. A very strange thing happened at Steering Committee recently. It sounds crazy and I wonder if my mind had not flipped when it occurred but it did occur. I was seated about 8 feet from the Shah. I did not even know that he was in the meeting because he had not been attending since Marcie [Marceline Jones] cleared him to be out because of pressure several months ago. Suddenly I realized that I was looking at a blank face … no features … just blank … a person without a face. I thought I had cracked up. Slowly the features took form, almost like a werewolf, and it was the Shah looking straight at me. It scared me shitless. I wanted to write it up then but thought you’d say I was insane and not him. Thought I’d better now. We both may be. The experience lasted only for about one second but it did happen – (in my mind I’m sure).

—–

Letter to Jim Jones from Bea Orsot, 11 September 1978

EE-2-uv-9b – 9c

[Editor’s notes: This document was typed in all capital letters.

[In context, and with the referenced note attached, “Mary” the writer as a codename for Bea Orsot.]

9-11-78
To: Jim
From: Mary
Re: The Shah

Enclosed is a note from him. I will give you the background.

He has been acting very alienated and what I consider to be strange. I wrote that up yesterday… that he had become a stranger to me. I cannot get through to him so yesterday, I wrote him a note saying that I felt rejected. I picked that word because he is turned on by it because he feels rejected all the time and inadequate. I was prompted to write the note particularly because I caught him looking at me yesterday in the food line when he did not know I was aware. It was a piercing look of hostility … very frightening … like he looks at you sometimes in People’s Rally. I knew I had to get through somehow but was lost as to how to even get started to get through to someone who obviously hates you.

I was not home during our half day off which is the time we sometimes spend about 1 hour together. He was at home for about 3-4 hours and I was working in the radio room. He came to stay and spend time there because he brought with him books to read and a flute to play but by the time I showed up, it was time to have dinner. I thought he might have been upset by that too.

Also I noticed he was very alienated last night Peoples Rally, got up and walked out, came back after the test was over. Now, I know for sure something was wrong. Whenever he withdraws like that, he is usually hostile. I thought he might even be thinking of leaving for the bush like he did before but I didn’t or could not write it up because I can’t prove a damn thing. A lot of my conclusions are based on feelings. His passport was on my mind yesterday in that connection, knowing that it has never been found. I started to look for it last night but decided to wait till tonight.

He once told me that whenever he gets negative, he withdraws, doesn’t want to talk to anyone … not even his brother [Richard Grubbs, a.k.a. Ken Norton]. (He told me this right after he took you on in front of radio room).

I just knew something was wrong but could not communicate. Scared to talk and scared not to talk. I was so concerned about it, I went to Penny [Kerns] yesterday to ask her to watch him also. Couldn’t put my finger on it. Stayed up till 3:00 AM trying to figure it out.

The attached note from him this morning proves that something is wrong, that he is hostile and rebellious, but it did open up and say that, which is rare. He never, never writes notes. This is the first one.

Inez [Wagner] just told me that he is also very frustrated about the school situation; no tables at all in the school this AM … all taken by displays; teachers not doing their lesson plans, school generally going to pot, and when it does go to pot he will be redeemed as a failure which he fears. Inez says he has just had it with tests (news) and so has everyone else. She says he laid the Russian on Margarita [Romano] and I can see why he did… It [He] probably considered it too much pressure yet he told me he would rather do that in meetings than just sit. He could have asked me to do what Margarita is doing. I could have done it just as well but that is neither here nor there right now and it’s fine if it remains like it is.

His note shows where his head is at and proves that my feelings were not unfounded. He must be watched carefully and treated sweetly. Of course, I will continue in the relationship with love and kisses.

I wish you would take care of yourself, Dad, and listen to others when they tell you that you must rest. I wish you would stop giving the news for a while. People aren’t even listening at certain times of the day. You have to stop it. You could hardly talk this morning … people aren’t listening Dad. Please stop it. The majority of folks get the news from the library. You have got to stop talking so much. The use of your voice just aggravate your situation and you never give your lungs a chance to heal.

Please, for our sake, stop, stop it! I know you will do it for your sake.

—–

EE-2-uv-9a

Referenced Note to Bea Orsot from Tom Grubbs

Written 9-10-78

Bea,

By way of explanation, I’m not angry or upset with you. I’m sorry you get the brunt of it when you are not the cause.

The cause is the same old cause – Too damn many meetings. I don’t want to drag anyone in all my rebellion, don’t see any alternatives that are acceptable, do not believe that talking can do any good, I just generally feel totally alienated from everyone when I get like this.

I know that I am not fair to you. If you desire to terminate this relationship (?), I will not protest. I don’t expect you to get caught up in my bum-trips.

Tom