EE-2-s-4
To Dad – From Dick Tropp
Today Paula [Adams] asked me about a comment I made last night to you in reference to a possible newsman’s questions about the wisdom of giving up John [Victor Stoen] if it meant that the cause was to go down. She said that my emotional asking of the question, she felt, reveal that I was resentful in some way about that decision. I assured her I was not, that I understand that your commitment to John and your commitment to ‘the cause’ are inextricable, and it is precisely that personal loyalty that is the cause… something I didn’t fully appreciate during that crisis a year ago when, as I confided to Paula, I didn’t really understand your stand. But that is past. I do think that you should know that I am too influenced by Carolyn Looman, and it was that very question that she raised yesterday when we were going over the press conference material – she said that the media might ask some tougher questions, and I was parroting her concern, down to the very question. I think my emotionalism in asking that comes out of a frustration that we haven’t really put ourselves (as “devil’s advocates”) into the diabolical way that the media could question you. [Last half paragraph bracketed, with notation: “Settled last nite!”]
I appreciate Paula’s probing of me on that point. I have not been challenged enough in my thinking – especially as a person with a strong intellectualist background. Years before I became a part of the Temple, I developed a kind of mental escapism where I can turn into the “integrity” of my own thoughts, and defend myself against practically anything. This still persists, because somewhere in my mind, I remain an independent person, somewhere I am untouched. This is a very dangerous kind of thing, and I have often felt that because of it I am a traitor. For a couple of years I have seriously thought of writing – for your benefit – a kind of fantasy that would explore the psychology of the traitor. I have felt very trepeditious about it – what I mean is that, if I want to, I can mentally project myself into that “independent” part of my mind, and explore traitorous thoughts. I have felt somewhere that all people in the Temple are traitors, and if each were to allow himself to let his mind move in a certain direction, they would be surrounded with treasonous thoughts… though they might not move from thought to action.
I feel some guilt here because had I tried to write that fantasy, that “diary of a traitor” years ago, when I first conceived of it, it might have helped you. I would say this based upon an observation that I want to share with you – I have never really understood how, over the years, you have many times professed not to understand why people would turn against you, and leave the cause. To me, it was not a mystery. I said to myself – Dad is so pure of motive that he doesn’t really appreciate the depths of selfishness of people. At other times I’ve said – no, he understands. He knows about it. But then I go back and say – no, you have so completely conquered the temptations of capitalism that you don’t see how a Debbie Blakey could be caught in it.
I have never felt, in all my years, that I could fully identify with anything outside myself – in that sense, I am dangerous. But, there is another side that has always sought for that identification, and was deeply pained for years ar never having found it – and it is through you and this movement that I have found it – it is just that nasty persistence of mental independence that won’t completely die in me. People of my background should be watched. I’ve often had the thought that at some point, people like myself should, after they have outgrown their usefulness, be shot.
Thank you Dad