BB-3-n-1
1-2-78
To: Jim
Fr: Blakey
Re: Attractions and Hostilities
I am still and always have been attracted to you. I am not at the stage of needing your attention in the full sexual manner, but I have still feelings. Please don’t feel a sudden need to show more attention to me, I am just trying to write honestly.
You allowed me to accept myself for what I am as well as for what I look like. This does not extend into feelings that I am willing to go to another person and feel that confidence to be sexually forward. I mean that I now have the self-assurance to accept myself for what I am and be comfortable with it.
What I received was more than I would have ever thought possible. Both that it made me grow more responsible and willing to take on more responsibilities as well as made me face my physical differences as something that can be overcome and not desperately feared.
You allowed me to view myself as a normal person with normal feelings and accept my hairy breasts as a process that did not take away from my abilities and possible attributes.
The “relationship” (sorry for the poor wording – couldn’t think of another word) came at the most appropriate time. I was having doubts about my character and self and was depressed. You payed attention to me and made me feel “special” when I was confussed.
I was even shocked to find that my female organs were not deformed, after believing that they must be – from my previous frustrating affair, with Phil.
Hostilities: Fears: ‘ i
Fear that I will be distrusted because of the mess that I made with my unthought-through discision about living with Phil. (via Joyce Touchette). I felt that I was misinterpreted about living with him and having thoughts of wanting sex with him. I don’t – nor did I.
Otherwise: I am just greatful that I got to come here and get out of the rat race of SF.
Fear: That even though I am working diligently in the field, I have a fear that I will get written up– as I am still not quite up to the working capacity of those that have been doing it longer & have become more used to the weather.
I don’t mean for this to be a reflection of you, I’m just very aware of the seriousness of the Peoples Rallys.
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BB-3-n-2
[Envelope labeled ‘Self-Analysis”]
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BB-3-r-1
To: Staff
From: Debbi B.
July 20, 1975
Re: Debbi B.’s manipulations
Last night in PC JJ said he hates people who manipulate. I manipulate.
1) I want father’s approval to the point of faltering in my truthfulness towards him. I do have hostilities towards him and sexual thoughts/feelings about him, but have been afraid to admit it, for fear of JJ’s disapproval of me and loss of care for me.
I wanted to care for me, but to analyze my thoughts, I want JJ to take exception with me – or to like me more than others. It’s embarrassing to admit such narcissism, it’s all sexual!
2) I hate to admit that I am a paranoid person, because I fear people to think I am another, Larry Layton. That also shows my narcissism: as I am too concerned about what others see me as, rather than what I know I am.
3) I tried to protect myself in is with others by not admitting how I feel towards father. It has even caused him to tread softly (easily) with me.
I want his respect, but fear the wrath that will come from his respect in confrontation.
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BB-3-r-2
I will write a long thing about my hostilities & and sexual feelings this week concerning JJ.
The conflict lies in the fact that I want JJ’s attention and acceptance, when I fear the hatred that JJ feels towards people who pull on him.
It is traitorous at this point in the seriousness of our work, to speak of such “feelings” toward JJ. I don’t think this is a manipulation as I don’t want JJ to think he has to pay attention to me.
5) I have acted towards people as though I had a position. This was to make them listen to me or accept my point of view – because of my position. What I am trying to say is that I have used the fact that JJ made me a counselor, to make people listen to a point I had to make – knowing that they would feel that they’d have to accept what I said because father put me into my position.
I have used this mostly in speaking with a filthy mouth – cussing etc. which I have cooled quite a bit.
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BB-3-r-3
Paranoias and other shitty things:
a). I think JJ wants me to move to the Valley because I’m too much of a fuck-off and can’t be depended upon, in SF which is true.
b). I want to stay friends with Robin Tschetter, but feel guilty about it because I know that friendships are not healthy. And I do feel attracted to her. I really like Robin and like being around her. The only times I talked with her are in the offering room and weekends.
I think people think we’re really tight, but we’re not. I enjoy her company. This sounds really sick now, as if she’s a boyfriend or something.
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BB-3-s-1
The main body of the family is in LA now
September 3, Sunday 4 PM
Dear Jim,
I don’t want to ever leave this cause. I know I am lacking in many areas of knowledge of why we are. But I hope to close that gap while I am learning. Sometimes I wonder what I should do if I were ever told to leave & I truly would have nothing to go to.
About my sex life I don’t know where to begin. I am a lesbian and I had my first and only truly active affair with Terri P. this summer. I have already told Phil. It’s a damn shame cause I thought what I was doing was right. Not that I enjoyed it. Like Ed Right said, it just added to the discomfort and agony of trying to relate to someone. It closed me off more from Terri. Many parts of it I disliked because I was afraid. I’m not sure what I was afraid of, unless it was so close to making myself see me as I never look at myself before.
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BB-3-s-2
I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to say. I do masturbate which when I am through makes me feel sometimes relaxed, but always uninterested in anybody else sexually. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that it’s not self-love cause it most definitely is.
When Phil and I had sex never did I care enough about him. In fact once when we were doing it, Phil started groaning. He groaned a lot because it would get in to me funny and hurt him. Anyway, Phil and I were screwing and he started groaning. I thought he was in pain and pushed him off. He was pissed as hell, got on the floor & wouldn’t talk anymore. It turned out he was just getting that high from losing the sperm. This is proof that people or shall I say myself didn’t
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BB-3-s-3
care about the pain he might be going thru, but what I was seeking to attain.
I didn’t like to proper screw with his penis in me cause I couldn’t feel nothing, I much more enjoyed him fingering me with his two fingers because it was more thorough. I know that the only reason I did enjoy his body lying on mine was cause I felt secure and invulnerable. I felt safe, young and protected.
I say young, bause I always wanted to be treated as a little girl. Sick! I know I’ve come a long way out of that. I wish we didn’t play all those games together because now I know that’s what Phil & I have a hard time communicating.
Also I used to ask Phil to tickle my back, I loved it (still do). He doesn’t do it anymore. I used to pretend I was asleep
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BB-3-s-4
and let Phil do whatever he wanted to. I got very excited through this and did it all the time. It was a rape concept. I have a hang up on rapes. Most of it’s gone, but I used to always want to be raped three times: 3
twice on drugs (in America)
once on liquor (in England)
I proceeded to get myself absolutely stoned & then let the guy I was with screw me. I think I did it for affection & attention but I really don’t know why.
Note the time I got fucked in England I had broken up with Phil & was going around with a hoodlum hard; I mean, village boy.
Phil & I have not had sex
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BB-3-s-5
whatsoever now. Unless it’s sex if he holds me in his sleep. I don’t know, I feel guilty even for that. In fact, I’m not quite sure of what the definition is about when it’s said to have no more sex. We have an awful time of it in front of my shitty parents. They always want to know if my “sex” life is okay etc.
Sorry for all the trouble I caused, from rebellions to weight to ignorance.
[Drawing of a fist] Power to the oppressed & 3rd World Peoples.
Love, Debbie (Blakey)
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BB-3-t-1
To Uncle Jim
sexual aspects/personal feelings
Debbie Blakey
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BB-3-t-2
Jim
Sorry for the third letter but I keep on getting messages of my own personal sex problems.
When I get frustrated I masturbate and the best way I get satisfaction from, I use the pretty warm water running from the tub faucet. When I fantasize I think about [illegible word] of people’s and is never any “somebody” but I’ll start thinking about situations, e.g. commission.
I sometimes have thoughts about old ways with Phil in getting fingered but it wasn’t a big deal. I wish we could get on better, but I’m so fucking competitive my narcissistic ego gets in the way. I always want myself to look hard as if I can’t be hurt. I am vulnerable but don’t want people to know.
I have hostility about Phil being on counsel etc. and myself not being. It’s awful and I hate to face it. I tried to rationalize it away, but I’m really unworthy of even
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BB-3-t-3
fantasizing about such positions.
I get an excited feeling when I see a picture of a nude woman and I do fantasize about things like rape.
I am excited by not participating in sexual experiences, but having someone do things to me. I’d do the same thing with Phil before we came. I did when I played doctors as a child. It’s a very self-centered/selfish, narcissistic thing. Selfish because I don’t like having to fool with someone else’s body.
I am not as aware of Socialism as I would like to be and I feel inferior because of that.
I do find myself wondering whom I might have been in my last life.
I want so much to continue with this cause and fight and die, I imagine tortures they’d try on me lots of the time, but I’m still not thinking enough.
I hope you don’t see me as a traitor. Debbie
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BB-3-v-1
To: Father
From: Debbi B.
Re: My confrontation
Words are cheap, but I feel I must get some response to my confrontation so you will know where I am at:
I think that people should get confronted at least every three months, considering that I was never confronted for two years, that was too long of a span. It’s too bad because my ways could have been viewed publicly earlier and my fucked acts stopped – before being put in the position to hear things that I should not have heard or stopped from being put on PC.
1) Truly I am very cold and much like Larry [Layton].
2) I am very nosy and without thought. Now that it has been brought to my attention I can see where I am very inquisitive to things that have no concern to me, but it never occurred to me to use the things I heard against anyone or tell others about it outside this PC.
3) I realize that I am the one that has caused this cause much hardship, and set your life ahead about ten years. I know that I have aged you and caused you to use strategy that would never had to be used, but because of my big mouth.
4) I know that I am the reason why “senior” left: what I said to him made him have to prove that he could make it on his own. I have really hurt the movement in the past three months and I want to make this one promise that may calm your nerves a little bit about me and my dangerous potential (loud mouth, doesn’t think): I will not question anything. I won’t speak unless asked first, because I don’t weigh my words, nor do I weigh my actions thoroughly.
Debbie B.
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BB-3-v-2
Father (please)
Debbi B
Re: my confrontation
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BB-3-xx-1
5/23/73
To Jim
I wrote one just before this but it’s not all the stuff.
1) My hostility I have because I’m capitalistically jealous because I’m not on the Planning Commission. It embarrasses me, but it’s true. I fantasize about it and picture myself sitting with you guys and stuff. It’s all a competition with Phil.
2) You are a father figure to me a whole lot. I call you uncle Jim to other college students, but I feel I am so immature I get embarrassed to say “uncle” around Karen etc.
3) It’s so very traitorous of me to be so concerned about stuff like that, I’m sorry to put extra burdens on you.
4) A couple of times when you stated something about the truths of sex and you mention how you and Marceline had the only caring intercourse, I imagined what you guys would look like, but I never carried it any further. It was just you talked about it.
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BB-3-xx-2
5) I am frightened when you look at me cause I figure you see bad traits in me which are traitorous which I don’t see (or repress).
6) Lots of times I just want to be held by you and cuddled in a fatherly matter. This upsets me cause here I’m 20 yrs. old and I act like a 15 yrs. old and younger.
7) The reason I didn’t make the other letter “personal” was because Revenna [Rheavianna Beam] said the counsel read then all 1st before going to you.
8) I’m really competitive and put on an “air” as if I know more than I do, when I’m with Karen. I don’t want her to think I’m dumb, but I only come across as trying to prove “nothing.”
I need you and am so grateful that you are my dad. I get a lump in my throat when I think about it.
Debbi
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BB-3-yy-1
5/75
Father
You said while the note you wrote what was being passed around that you did not like some of the responses you saw. Maybe I am paranoid, but I thought perhaps I gave a “bad” look (response).
When I read the note, I got disgusted with myself because I thought that’s what you had said during service; but when you said, sometimes I say things to put people purposely on the wrong path, e.g. traitors, I thought then that maybe what I thought was not what you meant
Sorry, Debbie B.
I believe things (mostly) which you say in service & thus I get on the wrong track.
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BB-3-lll-1
Re: Saturday PM Counseling, 3/23/75
Father. I agree with everything you said. I felt you had to degrade yourself when speaking to Steve & all of us about the sucking of penis’s.
You are telling of how men will suck-off others, thinking they’ll gain their manhood (of the one they’re sucking).
You got on the subject of yourself, trying to personalize the truth for the men and you said you’d never sucked a man, never thought of it, never would suck your own nor could reach it. While you said this you said that you had never even thought of doing such a thing but had just said it to make a point.
I felt that people would dwell on the subject for self-gain reasons and try to rationalize things to say that you did think of such things.
I felt hostile and sickened when you have to say stuff like that, which will be used wrongly by competitive & “jealous” men, as Steve Hess. Women too.
Also I want to apologize for burdening you unfairly with the awesome responsibility of being a father figure to me. I realize that all people look to you as a father, but I feel my pressure is more intense & pushes you forcibly into the role of having to be nice to me. I am such a child, that you must guard somewhat how you approach me. I am sorry.
Debbie B.
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BB-3-lll-2
To: Father Re: Opinions on Counseling Last Night
From: Debbie B.