BB-6-X
From SB: Re: P.L. [Promised Land] trip
My grandmother wants me to come home so she can see me “one more time” (she is 81 & sick)
She will pay my way – (that would be to Syracuse, NY & back) – I have always told them I could never get many days off
I told him that if I could schedule attending a conference nearby – I could stop for a couple of days maybe.
Anyway – if I stopped there for a day or so – they would pay that much of the plane fare & I could tell them I had to go to NY to a conference & then go to PL
But it would cut down on the time there if I did –
I also gave Rose some more of those sunglasses but I’m afraid there are not many more to be found –
Also – package of the usual (given to Rose in white plastic bag)
—–
BB-6-TT
Re: Paranoia – etc.
1) I didn’t respond quickly to that issue because I wanted to think about It more before I answered. I have thought about it – and come up with nothing – substantial.
Seems like I do remember being paranoid once about something concerning you – but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was. It was not involved with you directly, but it was something about someone else or some situation that I felt I had to ask you to clear up… but I don’t remember.
Sometimes L.A. [Linda (Sharon) Amos] makes me paranoid that she had mentioned something to someone else about me – or that she won’t tell me to my face but nothing real significant that can’t be worked out – and it doesn’t even happen very often.
But as far as any paranoia concerning you and/or what you may be thinking… I really can’t think of any now. If I do – I will bring it up. I trust you completely – or as near complete as anyone of us limited beings can trust. I don’t think you would ever intentionally hurt anyone. I feel you care and have empathy for everyone – even people you may not personally like etc.
I have faith in you… faith – I call it ’blind faith’ that has at times brought me thru things I have had to do – on the sheer thought that if you said it could be done – it can be done. I know I don’t fathom your depth and breadth at all… but I do acknowledge it – and have a deep respect for your abilities. I think that you are a purely good person, and anything may appear otherwise to people – is because of their ego involvement and their own lack of over-all view of what is the greatest good for the greatest number.
2) The reason I feel life (hopefully) may be short when one gets nothing out of it – is because all of the bodies energy goes into straight maintenance and coping. If there is no moment – no matter how brief – for some kind of ’distraction’ – I feel the wear and strain on the physical body will be too much – no matter what the brain says its going to do.
3) Also – the main things that I feel I would lie to you about – (just for reference) are condition of my physical or mental being. That’s about it.
thank you
—–
BB-6-YY
I need to be more organized in certain areas – I think one reason is that it is so ingrown & difficult to keep on top of –
Also – it is boring & tho I tried to bury what I do, where etc. – it is still tedious
And when I got involved with other things – I am always in conflict because I know I have more than enough to do in my department.
SB
—–
BB-6-QQQ-1
I stopped by Ch’s this week for dinner – and when I left – she knew I had a lot to do –
And she said – “I hope you get everything accomplished tonight that you would like to get done.”
I feel this is a perfect example of a Socialist statement – and it touched me deeply – I just wanted to share it with you –
SB
—–
BB-6-BBBB1
I wish I could tell you how very good it was to see you – to be with you. Obviously, you can tell the difference in me – even tho you say you bring me nothing but pain. How can I convince you that is not true?
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I am up to my old plateau of depression – instead of the deep valley I was in. I am glad to be back at that functioning level. It had built up for a while –tho I am not sure what started it – probably only things added up. I know that when PJ left – I remember a real hurt then – that just compiled I guess. And when she came back – I knew it was not out of choice – but rather necessity.
Anyway, I feel so very much better – you must see that – and to know that you did it. You can see by what I mentioned of my “programing” from parents etc. – that the only ’love* and understanding that I have known has come from you. My life was always unhappy as I remember – never recall – any pleasure – nothing – until you claimed me. How can I let you take any guilt for any of my pain – you caused me none?
This life is pain – whether it is here or there or wherever – but there is no comfort on warmth except where you are. I know how you are about guilt and all – but if I can convince you of just one thing – it would be – that I would not give up one moment that I have had with you – not one lesson that has been sent my way… not one second of fulfillment that you have given ne. Quality… is what your love is. And how grateful I am for the time we have together. It has filled this lifetime. .. many lifetimes – over and over.
And about the operation – I know that I can’t convince you of anything there – but I thought about it long and hard… and you had nothing to do with it – whether or not you consented. Obviously, there was that area – that I would have disobeyed – no matter what you had answered – I knew what I was doing. I had seen too much over the past years – where you and little ones are concerned… I would not change my mind – whatever argument you put up. Obligations or whatever – my feelings are too strong in that area… I will raise other children – fulfill my socialist obligation there – others are more intelligent – younger, stronger etc. – I will help raise there children with whatever ability I have. But I will not raise my own – not knowing what I do about you – can you see that I would have made that choice no matter…?
I am sorry I kept it from you – I would have never told you tho –… there are not many areas at all that I would lie to you in – but that was one. But I could see no way out of where you were heading in your questioning. If my desire in that situation counts – then you will not feel badly about what I did. There is nothing you can say – and I mean nothing – that could convince me that what I did was wrong. There could never be the situation exist on this earth – that I would want to put you thru that – selfishly –I would not do it – for my own peace of mind. The only reason it would be hard to do – is that it was the last vestige of romantic idealism – and my instinct tells me that I followed the best path… it was no sacrifice on my part believe ne… _,
I did not want to alarm you about the drinking – it has not been that big a deal – all I got was 2 small bottles of wine to taste for you – and they were not right – so I was ’stuck’ with it – I still have 1/2 left so – that is only 1 bottle in about a week and 1/2. I meant a small glass – not a very big glass at night. And when you were gone – when I came back from L.A. after trying to raise that amt. – and hours with Penny etc. – I did have a
——
BB-6-BBBB2
a cocktail on the plane – (l was pooped) – but that was my first mistake – I remembered how ’good’ temporarily it makes you feel. Anyway, it hasn’t been a big deal… but I know that I have a real, real propensity for it again – and I will not get involved with it to any great extent. I will tell you just what I am doing in that area. I promise you… the weakness I have for it frightens me – I won’t play around there. _
I know that you have known that I’ve had problems for a while – since I j haven’t written you – and I know that has been conspicuous by its absence.
I haven’t even tried… after a while – it all sounds like such repetition. And I have not had Much time since I have gotten back – but the fact is still that I did not want to reveal too Much of myself – so I didn’t write you.
I know you know all about me – but I want in you to know because I have told you – not because I have tried to keep what I am from you. I do at least feel that much better about myself – I am not afraid of being unaccepted by you – whatever I do or say.
I should have talked about this when I was with you – I do not like you being with other people… I really wouldn’t mind – if it was people I liked – or even people I knew that you liked – but I really, really hate for you to have to be with traitors and ass-y men. That’s what I meant when I said I took what was said to mean me also… I do not like for you to have to be where you don’t want to be – doing what you do… when it should be obvious to people that it is a service… I don’t understand – I guess I never will… if I knew I were being serviced – for whatever reason – I would not allow it. Not meaning to be judgmental of others – I just don’t understand it… after all that has been said.
And I resent what it is doing to you… you would be spending your health and energy on the revolution – not in such business. The tremendous drain that I see it is on you – trying to be – and do all – for everyone – it looks to me as if it is impossible to do – and I resent people always asking for their piece.. Oh, I know they don’t all ask – and some are hard-working etc. and those – I don’t mind – it is the others that really bother me. And after the type of meeting that Sat. was in L.A. – I felt it was an “open invitation” – If you want to be screwed – just let me know…. I hope you are not overwhelmed by people – I hated to see it include L.A. also… I really do – since I don’t trust any of them there anyway.
I am in no position to “resent” anything – I know that… it’s just that I don’t understand some things… I can’t relate to it after all this time – and I worry that it is going to kill you in the midst of war… All I can hope – is that when people get ’scared’ – they will forget that they have an “urge” of some kind – (whatever it is…?) I would not want to begrudge anyone of the same acceptance from you that I have felt – it is just hard – when I think of you – that’s all.
I don’t like to go on too long because I know you have to read so such… I just wanted to let you know again – that I feel so much better – and that I don’t want you to worry and all. I am back on keel again – and trying to give more indications of where I am at. I don’t want to be secretive or apart from you. I don’t want to have to drag that awful “image” around anymore.
I want to be what I am – and become what I can be…
You mean so very, very much to me… I wish I could convey that – what you give to me… thank you for such love and understanding – and peace in the depth of my being.
faithfully, teko [code name for Sandy Bradshaw]
——
BB-6-FFFF1
From SB: re: JOB SITUATION
I am worried about leaving my job position open while our people are still in the community. I feel that while I personally am insignificant – the job is not… on the contrary… it is probably one of the most powerful in the area.
For the following reasons: –
1) I have DIRECT line of communication with both judges of the Superior Court and to a limited degree with the Justice Court. (I am supposedly the “arm” of the court. – the investigator on their behalf) … I have a reputation for being “conservative, law & order, strict on the side of the law etc.” – and usually the Judges go by my recommendations (as I ask their advice on matters etc.)
2) I have DIRECT communication with the law enforcement agencies – Ukiah Police and the Sheriff and Highway Patrol… This enables me to get considerable information… as well as to accrue ‘favors’ in the line of duty…
3) I have direct contact with the D.A.’s office , as well as with all attornies in the area.
4) I contact with the Welfare Dept. – in the various depts, there.
5) There is direct contact with all local school administrators and teachers.
6) I can, thru my job capacity – have considerable access to assorted information throughout the state… as well as other states to a lesser degree.
7) the Public at large is usually somewhat ‘put-off’ by Probation Officers – thus enabling me to gather extra information at times and to ’bull doze’ thru when I might not be able to if it were a job unrelated to law enforcement etc.
I am not at all opposed to working in the area of coordinating the P.L. – I am willing to work in whatever area is best… however, I am hesitant to leave such a “key” position in a small town undefended, (there is absolutely no possibility of any of our people replacing me – since there is already someone in line for any opening.)
I submit this for consideration – that I remain in the job – for the above mentioned reasons – until most of our ranks have pulled out – and things are reasonably quiet – and then go right into co ordinating Guyana – if that will not be too late. Whatever is decided will be fine with me…
SB
——
BB-6-FFFF2
FATHER
from SB
re: PRESENT JOB SITUATION
——
BB-6-GGGG2
2 – also – I am very sorry about PJ – I can only slightly identify with your pain and disappointment.
I am sorry I haven’t written my thoughts in quite a while – I want to think some more about this thing called “treason” – and will get my feelings and suggestions etc. to you in the near future.
3 – what is the possibility of my missing the Weds. night meeting? I hate to ask – and if it would look bad – I won’t – but it is hard to stay on top of things with the GCC meetings picking up – and so many PC’s and regulate meetings – I am having trouble doing it. (you can answer this question by # 3 – yes or no…)
– RECONSIDERED – strike that request – I realize how important it is for people to “see” us… esp. with PJ gone etc. – they might think we are not around too – I will make arrangements – no problem…
4 – I am fine – will try to get a report to you re: PL as soon as I can get some conclusive thoughts together… am still wondering tho about my job – you said to ask you once a week about anticipated quitting (or if at all…)
Makes no difference to me – except I should get some kind of “story” together for them in preparation for whatever…
——
BB-6-KKKKK
I know – and truly believe that she did not want this to happen – for anything in the world. I think I know her fairly well. And besides your deep pain in the matter – I feel so badly for her trauma. I hope she can get some feeling of peace and relief from guilt as the child grows.
I know she does not want to live – and having to raise a special child – future leader – is a terrible responsibility. I do not by choice want that responsibility… (my decision for not wanting a child is obviously not purely altruistic)… but I promise to do all in my strength to help her with this child – as if I were involved in the heart of the matter… which I feel I am – for he is a child of Socialism – meant for the world. There is no private ownership in our mission here.
I don’t remember why I ever said that I would have more trouble (in G’s situation) if it had been another woman that it had happened to. That was so long ago – I don’t know what I was thinking of. But I care for that little one… and have disliked the mother so… that of course I could care for this one – even more so – for I care very much about the mother.
I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to see him this trip – I only meant that I feel her need now – I guess that is what you meant when you said you wished they could stay babies – for they are somewhat less intertwined in our consciousness… (only slightly so tho I suppose – and that changes rapidly)
——
BB-6-LLLL
After that meeting – I just wanted to tell you a few things. I really hate those nights. I want to be there to see you – but the pleasure of that is nullified by the pain I see you go thru. I know you don’t care if I am hostile. And – I don’t know – if my hostility necessarily has to be to you by my not wanting to live – I just thought that one would be appropriate!
I don’t think of you much as a father… mainly as a leader, an example of what I should be. When I don’t live up to that – I am hostile at myself. And I get hostile at others when I see the imperfect parts of myself in them.
I see you also as many roles… the authoritarian being just one. And I do not equate you absolutely with the roles you must play. But I must admit – when you say that we all take advantage of you – and manipulate you etc. – I apply it to myself – and feel awful about any of it I might do.
I wish I were more loving and had more patience – I might be more of a help to you. You sure got the raw end of the deal with me as far as I am concerned. I would like to be more of a support than I am. I don’t want you to worry about me – what good does the worry do? The crucial decisions were thought thru long ago – it’s just getting thru this hell in the meantime.
I am sorry you have to be here… I don’t understand why such goodness must suffer continually for such assholes. I hope the rest of the universe if better organized that what I see of it here…
Anyway – I just wanted to tell you that I care very, very much for you. And need you in so many ways. But my life is full… and I want for nothing. Thoughts of you support and sustain me – but I am nourished by the principle (personified is an extra bonus to be near…)
We are joined in unity to a sacred principle… spiritually one. The physical distance between us cannot deter that union. I remain totally committed to you – not because I have to be – but because I chose to.
faithfully…
—–
BB-6-EEEEE1
I missed talking with you when you came here the last time – it was good to see you tho – and to know that you were all right.
I can’t tell you how much your friendship has meant to me over the years – you always seem to understand – even without words being said.
I asked if I could write to you – I have been thinking about your situation – and thoughts I had – I told Him about the feelings I had – and I was then told about the child.
I am happy for you – I’ve seen you with John and know how you are with children. You are sensitive and aware – and I cannot think of anyone I would feel better about
—–
BB-6-EEEEE2
bearing a child. If it could ever be – I would feel honored to be with you together with your son. I feel a definite bond there – and know there would be much love.
It will be good for John too – in the future – to know that he is not the only one in such a situation – I think it can be very helpful there to him.
I am sorry for the pain that you have been through – I know how much you did not want nor plan on having a child. But you now can raise another leader in the Holy Order – and that is where our strength lies.
I’ve always thought you should be schooling and molding our young – you have an extra since there.
—–
BB-6-EEEEE3
It too will help Grace to know that there is someone she can talk with – that would understand the anxiety involved – tho the situation is very different – Grace asked for her pain – but she has shown such surprising growth.
I send you my very deepest feelings of love (as much as I know of it) and respect.
You are my very dear friend – and are close to me in thoughts and spirit –
I look forward to being together again –
In deepest regard
—–
BB-6-FFFFF
thought we would stay there for the weekend.
I am still at Peoples Temple – getting rich (ha ha) – I work in the Offering room every week – and at Publications (when the mail comes in – I open the letters & take cash out)
and Linda Swaney, Ruth Kerns and myself rip off about 3000 a week from the offering (It was Linda’s idea – and works well – to say the least!)
And get this – we send money to different organizations in the name of Peoples Temple – (ha ha) – just to watch the shit hit the fan –
See you soon at Clara Phillips’ house –
Your daughter –
Sandy Bradshaw
(the same as ever!)
—–
BB-6-IIIII
2/
Then we camped around Sacramento. If it wasn’t for being with my husband Lee – and my parents (I hate them all so much, I could kill them) – I would have had a good time.
If it wasn’t for my church – I would kill them – but their teachings tell me not to take a life. I have thought about how I would do it many different times.
I’ve always hated “Arnold & Virginia” with a passion. They were so cruel to me as a child – I would think any jury would understand why I would want to kill them.
Enough of this – I remain as always – the only one of the “Bradshaw” clan that you can count on –
Sandy
—–
BB-6-JJJJJ1
If I stay down there (L.A.) on SF weekends to do V’s at times –
I’d be glad to check up on what is happening there in any way I can – Suggestions?
SB
—–
BB-6-KKKKK
Clarification:
Paul said he did not see David all weekend in LA (he thought David was in SF until Sunday a.m.)
David told Paul he was in his room all weekend (Paul doubts this)
Last night you mentioned for Paul to bring it up – I don’t know if you want to even get into it or not – as it seems like only you relating to him is the answer during
And it’s usually a mess confronting him – (so it may not be worth it –)
SB
Unless you say otherwise – I won’t tell Paul to bring it up
—–
BB-6-RRRR
p. 4
on long enough – sorry to take so much of your time.
It’s just that I am desperate at this point – if Jim Jones does not give into me – and come to my house and fuck with me – he’s really going to be sorry.
I’m not fooling around anymore – I’ll have him – or I’ll kill myself trying –
And then he’ll pay – I’ll make it look like murder. I have a plan all figured out – and I also have written letters and put them with friends in safe deposit boxes to be opened when I die –
I want him – and
—–
BB-6-SSSSS
I enjoyed sex with you – I had difficulty with all the aggression to the beginning – but gradually increased in my own aggression & interest.
I like it with you – very very much – you know how I feel
If you were not with me – I would take no man after you. I hate men profoundly & like & respect women (only a very few men do I respect & that’s only because of you.)
Anytime, anywhere – you always make me feel love & wanted & worthwhile.
Etc. etc.
SB
—–
BB-6-TTTTT
CRL [Christine Lucientes] will go to Fre [could be “Fremont, CA”] tomorrow by herself. I’m not sending PC because I don’t think it would be profitable.
She can do LO-C’s from here – I think the center and another car & motel etc. would not be ahead $-wise.
I have more than enough V’s fr CRL to do Weds – Fri afternoon & I’ll then give PC C’s.
[Also you should know – Marlene was on duty this a.m. & “heavy load” lights were all on –
I’ll see her tomorrow for lunch or something.
Regards… Etc.
SB
P.S. Do you want me to mention that to David?
—–
BB-6-UUUUU
I am worried that you will take too much concern for me – and perhaps that will influence any particular ‘mission’ you might send me on.
I want to tell you again that I have complete faith in you as a leader – and otherwise.
I’m willing to do whatever is necessary for this cause –
SB
P.S. I can’t think of any particular paranoia (I’m not overly inclined in that direction – depression is my thing)
And I will never leave nor will I take my life uselessly.
—–
BB-6-VVVVV
p. 5
I’ll get him – or no one will have him – no one will listen to him ever again. I’ll ruin him & his work – even if it takes my death to do it!!
He has one more chance –
Sandra Bradshaw
—–
BB-6-XXXXX
I guess I have a fear of living too long in a hopeless world.
Fear of witnessing tortures etc. of those I care about
Fear of my selfishness ever hurting the cause
Fear that someday my hostility will cause “temporary” insanity – i.e. violent actions at inappropriate times.
SB
(I don’t think I have a fear of dying – only needlessly – i.e. accident etc.)
—–
BB-6-YYYYY
What about TS [Tim Stoen] and my thought previously about K [likely Lester Kinsolving] – poison (water pistol method on street etc.)
Various poison is easy to get –
But I do agree with getting K – and those inside would get the message –
(I’m sorry I didn’t put my hand up right away – but I didn’t know if it was important that there were some not to show fears at this point –)
(Another fear – that my suicide wish should one day take over in a moment of weakness]
SB
—–
BB-6-HHHHHH
Rose has some more ‘medicine’ for you – sorry it took so long – as there was none to even order because of the holidays. I will bring the second that I got next week (I assume things as scheduled unless I hear otherwise).
Is there anything else you need that I can pick up?
Also – if LA happens to ask about my finances (as she has hinted about who was going to pay for the advanced trip of KL [Karen Layton] and PJ) – I will have to tell her something like I am getting supplies or something (?) – and I turn in my accounting to you. (as I can’t really account for some things that anybody else).
(She knows I have worked with TB on getting some things in order re Bibles – so she may assume it is that – as I used to do that quite a bit).
It may not be a problem – but she knows I do not give my money to Maria [Katsaris] – as she does…
(I will always have your medicine ordered ahead from now on – now that we know that works… so I plan on always having one in my trunk – so let me know if I am off schedule giving it to you… Rose sometimes thinks that if you don’t ask her directly for it – that you don’t need it – so I never know if she gives it to you pronto or not)
—–
BB-6-IIIIII1
Do you think I should go on the trip this time? I would have to fly both ways – or else take a lot of vacation days.
There are just 3 meetings – (it will be KL, PC, CRL, & PJ – I guess).
If you do think I should go – I can probably get my parents to pay for the flight – I went there for 2 days – (vacation-time days tho.)
Whatever you think –
SB
—–
BB-6-IIIIII2
From SB
[Handwritten annotation for first entry: “Already told you”]
Sandy Parks:
when I called – she got really upset – getting hostile – and told me to hang up – that she hadn’t bothered nobody “out there” – and didn’t want to take “no shit bring nobody… Etc.
I told her that we didn’t think so – that we had been friendly – and we didn’t think she would be cooperating with this kind of element – but that we wanted to ask her about it – and let her know.
The conversation was brief – she knew who I was tho I didn’t say – and when I ended – I was not pressing her or anything – I just said well okay, and we both said goodbye and that was it.
But I thought we didn’t necessarily want to have her get hostile with us – but we didn’t want her to stay away from Case – so I was not heavy at all – and was cordial. (I hope I wasn’t too obliging to her)
(I called her first – then waited several hours just in case she was going to get in touch with Ross C. – so that he would have nothing to tell her in the way of already having received a call from us – giving away our strategy move.)
Ross Case:
Won’t be back until Mon. – will try then if you want.
George Hunter:
[Handwritten annotation for entry: “Information only”]
called my office Wednesday asking for our SF address mailing – or street address – He said a woman who wanted to send J a thank you note for something he did – wanted the address – as she could get no one to answer the # she called for PT. I told him that I couldn’t remember either one offhand – took the woman’s name and # (it was Mrs. Martin – think the same as bosses’ wife – so I had Mike Klingman return her call and tell her J could be reached at 214 RV of SF box #.
Hunter also asked me specifically where Mike Prokes was and Dick Tropp– (He seemed kind of nosy) – he also asked me for Tim Stoen’s address – which I didn’t have either. I told him Tropp was here a good deal of the time – but (assuming he already knew) – that Prokes was mainly in SF.
—–
BB-6-AAAAAAA
My main biggest and most concentrated hostility is the fact that I have to remain alive in this mother-fucking world.
And your constant principle & compassion show me – even when I don’t want to look – my own great limitations and the necessity for me to grow.
I also feel – as far as people are concerned – that LA [Linda Amos] & CL [Carolyn Layton] are better socialists than I – (but I don’t particularly feel any jealousy etc. towards them.)
S. Bradshaw
(thank you for everything – and I am sorry for my limitations – I will work on them)
—–
BB-6-CCCCCCC1
When I wrote you last week I said I had no idea who you were or where your source of power was – until then I felt something would happen in my thinking soon, and it did. Tues night I was reading There is a River, and on p. 282, it started with the heavy stuff – and much of it sank in –
We have [illegible word] been here – for many, many lives & we knew you before but for some reason were unable to fully accept you & your teachings – you are a teacher of the highest moral ideals – you are the perfect one – I think that means you have me all the rounds of that universe and are united with God – the source of life – something that we both are constantly striving for – I don’t know if there are other perfect ones or if you are all one & the same – which is probably so –
You came back to help us because of your great love for us – a love which humbles me and surrounds [illegible word] is me – earth is the hardest plane to
—–
BB-6-CCCCCCC2
try to make him better – I don’t have the fear that I use to now I see that is not always the end result that is so important as the events that lead there.
Am I making any sense? I have so many thoughts roaming around my head – I didn’t want to use another paper but…
[3 illegible words] because free will is exercised here – and until some have learned enough to be able to choose the right or truth – we make wrong decisions.
I am your student – a student of truth – what will study & learn by watching you – for you cannot force me to learn truth – I must see it for myself.
On the next plane – [illegible name], there are beings who are friends to all of us here & I guess they’ve been with us for a long time – & they tell you things about us to help us.
There are so many things I can’t figure out about you – but I’m not worried at all – I’ll get the rest somewhere along the way –
I just talked to you and now I can [illegible words] – you know anyway I’m taking up too much space – but I was so excited about what I read.
I happened to think – I used to not want to bring basic cat in the house for fear it would infect my cats – but I can no longer do that – I have no choice but to bring them in & at least
—–
BB-6-CCCCCCC3
Smith came in when I was talking with you the second time & after I hung up he told me about the “rumor” about me living with a black man – he made some awful remarks to both Patty & me about his putting on some grease or paint & seeing what that would do for me.
He had told Bonnie [Beck] last night that he knew I didn’t like him & wanted me to tell him off – which I won’t do & I have always been nice to him – and it sure has been an effort.
But I’m afraid of him & what he is capable of doing – and it hurts me so much to have people say those things about Mickey.
Also Shedd – who once asked Bonnie if her husband was white & was she keeping the race pure – said to Smith that we both – Mick & I – came up here from SF at about the same time & he “suspected” – now he must have gotten that from Kolesar as he (Kolesar) knows M. I know each other “briefly” from our jobs in the city – & Kolesar has tested us several
—–
BB-6-CCCCCCC4
times for a connection – (he saw us together once)
I wonder if Mickey should just forget about juvenile hall.
But I hope they will let me work there even if they find out – because I think my work record – with the help of wonderful Bonnie – is good enough to keep me in there – we are working on making me indispensable to Kolesar as Bonnie nearly is.
Shedd also said when he knew somebody was fucking with a nigger – it turned him off – and he too can be a considerable foe –
I’m not worried tho – we’ll just keep on keeping on –
Michelle has said since she’s been here she’s felt healthier – she also said she had a feeling you were meditating on her tonight & then you called her out – she seemed quite please relating this to me – that’s all for now – thanks
[Marginal note: “Mickey is down about his work – very tonight”]
—–
BB-6-EEEEEEE
from SB
JJ –
I will never leave this cause – no matter what ever happens.
I am so very glad that I met you and this principle – and that you have given me the knowledge that I now have – and see that I need more
I do see growth in the group in general – and I definitely saw the hope in the PL [Promised Land] of how positively people can change & work together.
I will say again – as I did when I first came – I would stay here & work – even if things did not succeed. –
—–
BB-6-GGGGGGG
JJ:
I would like some type of ‘thinking’/analyzing assignment to do. I feel like I am not contributing my mental energy anywhere – not that I have an exceptional degree of it to use – but I need some kind of guidelines to do creative thinking in.
I kind of feel at times – so far removed from the specifics of what is going on – that I don’t even know if I have enough ‘input’ to even attempt to analyze anything in general.
Anyway, if there is something I can do along this line, I would appreciate having some area to ‘think’ in – (time not to be taken for my regular work tho).
thanks –
sb
(I gave Rose some better quality medicine – you may be able to use that)