FF-2-29A
To: Dad
From: Tom Grubbs
From: ECU
Oct 27, 28
Re: Thoughts, relevent, irrelevent, erronious
I appreciate the experience in ECU. Conditions are much better than I had imagined, the patients are more relaxed, open and friendly than I had imagined. The staff is much more friendly and thoughtful than I believed. Christine Young is exceptional. The atmosphere is very cordial, helpful.
I appreciate the chance to rest but do not believe that I manipulated or staged the incident last night for this purpose. Elaborate more later.
I am sorry for the whole incident last night. I did not choose nor desire a public setting because of the nature of some of my peeves, re exaggeration, brainwashing, etc. I was wrong to have ventilated to Bea [Orsot] though I knew full well she would report me, knew she would not speak of it to anyone, would not be swayed by my perception of things. I calculated the possible effects (results) of stating my thoughts before I began and decided to pay the price whatever it might be.
I have no respect for a liar because a liar is also a coward (except for principle). I do not count myself a liar nor a coward and refuse to be intimidated. I feel compelled when asked what I had said, to repeat it exactly with the same voice tone, volume and speed, if possible because they are as much a part of the message as the words. If I had changed my projection I would have been practicing deceit with
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the possible interpretation of covering my ass, I could also then be suspected of lieing outright to cover my ass. No way! If you don’t get truth from me, its because I don’t know the truth. I don’t want to lie for myself, don’t like to lie at all. Don’t like being intimidated nor being a coward. I was cowed and intimidated for 36 years. No more!
Every time I got fucked up (emotionally disturbed) I determined to pay the ultimate price to resist intimidation, even months in a straight jacket if necessary which is much worse than death.
However, I do not want to fight Socialism/communism, do not contemplate thoughts of violence to you. Even when I am really fucked up, I don’t think I can justify killing the only hope of others just because I don’t believe it offers hope to me. Example. As a child of 13, 14 my mom would go berzerk and beat us children with an enema hose. I could never stand for her to hit the other children more than twenty-five times. Every time I counted the 20th lash, I attacked to grab her hands, I Never hurt her, never struck her, but she would beat me until she collapsed in an exhausted sobbing heap on the floor. (many times) – I am sorry my understanding of justice is not identical to yours, but I do have a sense of justice and am willing to pay the premiums on it until understanding changes it.
I may well (probably do) have a Martyre Complex. However, I don’t think I am more loving, more good than you because I know damn well I am not willing to make the sacrifices you make. And, I do not care about creating a following, gaining
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“a fan club”, starting a faction or counter movement because I am not able to lead one and as you well know I do not seek responsibility. Neither do I believe in anarchy. I really do not give a damn how the people view me. I have No alliances, No close friends, and with the exception of my mistake last night, have related my thoughts and feelings to no one. Ken, whom I care for more than others, has never known when I was disturbed, until last night. My co-workers may know something is bothering me, but I control it quite well.
You began the cure of pre-occupation with image consciousness when I was confronted publicly about my attraction for young girls. It took about 4 years to get over it. Now my image is only utilitarian, I prefer to be obscure. I will publicly spill my guts, confess my “sins” including beastiality (which I am not now engaging in but am ashamed of. But I don’t like being mis-represented, distorted or lied on, to people I respect and/or desire respect from. Just ask me, and give me a chance to tell the truth. It does not make me humble to be lied on or have cases framed. I know damned well I can’t beat a frame rap. In fact before I started talking to Bea last night, I knew if it hit the floor, I could not win. I know the way the administration must work.
By the way, something should be done about the surveylence [surveillance] system. Who ever summarized what they heard has comprehension, interpretation or retention problems or all three. As you know as much as you
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have taught us, repeated in many ways, stressed in many tones and volumes, people still don’t understand or remember well. I won’t give the surveylence workers another cause to report on me like last night, but I clearly don’t want that person as a witness for or against me. I would be much more pleased for you to hear a tape recording. People can infer or interpret almost anything any way.
You referred to getting me out of trouble with my school district. I appreciate it. But my sins were showing the pictures of the Mai Lai Massacre in Viet Nam to my class and discussing the atrocity, reading an article and discussing George Jackson’s murder. Reading the book Sunder with such feeling it brought tears of anger, standing on a chair in the school yard reading at the top of my voice the Amendments of the U.S. Constitution abolishing slavery and reading the Bill of Rights to protest the auctioning of Slaves as a school student body fund-raising project. They had nothing else on me. I had done nothing illegal or immoral. I had my ass ate out by the principal many times on civil rights issues. I did not repent, apologize nor change.
I do not demean your value to our people, Socialism, the world. Ask my co-workers or students whether or not I support and inspire support for the office, students, etc. But I did and do believe that you are spread too thin, that you need to be more involved in the common events of this community, that we need your genius here, that there are mistakes made and
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FF-2-29E
being made that need correction, like diet, that need study and changes.
I did say and do fear the future of our community, unless we change diet, or reduce work, study and stress. I did advocate purposeful Social Engineering. I said a lot more that I am willing to repeat if asked.
I am peeved by people who will not work or study to find solutions to problems yet have the power to squash them. Particular reference to Tish [Leroy] and an old incident with Carolyn Layton. I am wrong for doing what I did the way I did it. But I am willing to study to achieve understanding and find solutions when others just protect their ignorance by shouting elitist intellectual.
I do not think I love children more than you do. I am just close to them, their problems and conditions more hours each day. I believe you lack first hand experience with their school and living conditions. I don’t impugn your motives or love, I just question the adequacy of your input or information. I have tried hard not to pressure you with my assessment of conditions but Steering Committee has heard me speak loudly, clearly and often on behalf of the school – but to very little avail. Usually persons assigned to counsel me regarding my emotional outbursts due to frustrations tried to argue me down from their position of lack of awareness, of the conditions, lack of knowledge of problems etc.
I desire to see them get familiar with the conditions before attempting to refute my claims or demean my motives. They should observe the problems that occur because of the crowded conditions,
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the noise so loud the teacher sometimes can’t be heard, people passing through causing distractions – a lot of distractions to children who have never learned to concentrate under good conditions.
And, just sit in the school tents about 2 P.M. when it isn’t raining and feel the heavy infra-red radiation. It is cooler in the direct sun than under the tent. The infra-red makes the eyes burn, makes the children sleepy and irritable, restless and troublesome. In short – the kids aren’t bad, the conditions are.
I have studied childhood in China, read also about upbringing in USSR and N. Korea. A common method minimizing stress and frustrations on children. They do not scold, confront and punish children, they buffer them from potential problems and remove them quietly from existing problems. In the USSR most of the confrontation is from the peer group rather than adults. Our teachers have done considerable research on child rearing methods in China, PDRK, and USSR and desire to present their reports to the community in the evening meetings. Their (China, etc.) systems have evolved over many years and seem to be working well. But, we need to learn as much as possible about their goals, objectives, methods and incentives. 3-4 minute segments of films surely doesn’t teach us how to duplicate their effectiveness.
I am concerned that all of the character qualities of a good Communist can be taught in only one
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way – by example. I just don’t believe sensitivity, empathy, concern etc. will ever be taught by lectures. We have too few people willing to try to be examples for children. Those who will try are worn to a tattered frazzle until their fatigue renders them also short tempered and inefective. Also, the people who care more and try more encounter more of the problems and frustrations. It’s hard to choose to keep trying when solutions are few and solutions slow.
In my blasphemy of you to Bea I said that I had religion forced down my throat, forced to endure a lot of unnecessary sacrifices. I learned to HATE!! religion with an intense passion. I fear that our youth may learn to hate Socialism likewise unless we re-appraise their situation and make changes. Right or wrong, I believe this. It is a virtue to choose to sacrifice, another situation not to have a real pressure-free choice and another to have no choice.
I know I am a white, educated-elitist, critical ass-hole. I know I am a pain in your — heart and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to make this mistake again. Perhaps there can be someone designated that I can ventilate to – say anything on my mind who will try to understand not lecture. Shit, I know most of the answers, I just need to blow off a lot of steam and I can usually sort things out reasonably well with a little help. I understand this person would report to you and that is agreeable if they
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can report faithfully and leave the interpretation and inferences to you. As I said, I will stand behind what I say and pay the price, but I don’t like people interpreting what they don’t understand.
Some people try so hard to read between the lines that they miss the lines and “create” their independent fiction.
In closing, I have kept up with and am probably a bit ahead in Russian language and have kept up reasonably with the news. I request to be allowed to remain out of the meetings to do independent study. I have used the meeting time to study. When I could not read longer, was too sleepy to study efficiently, I quit and went to the meetings. If allowed to I will promise to include more books on Socialist/Communist Revolutionary history in my reading. I have read about 5 books (one yesterday, one today) about Kim Il Sung and the Korean struggle. I like the books and they help me to view you more in a benevolent father role than the authoritarian/ disciplinarian role.
With the exception of this fuckup (which started from an incident in a meeting) I have done much better since I have been out of meetings. In the past weeks besides studying Russian, doing school work and writing reports, I have read ½ of the Soviet Constitution, 2 books on N. Korea, 2 books on Nutrition, 1 book on learning disabilities and 1 book on Hyperactivity in children.