I started out for revolutionary suicide, almost switched to fighting but stick to suicide now. One main reason is that even though we have made arrangements for the children if we fight there is no guarantee that at the last hour to destruct, it would not be so late that the enemy would not be parading amongst our buildings searching for anyone left and find us with few of our children dead. I would like to be on the frontlines and fight for my own personal decision but I could not do it without knowing the children were ok. It is not my decision to make. I never thought people would line up to be killed but actually think a select group would have to kill the majority of the people secretly without the people knowing it. The way – I don’t know. Poisoning food or water supply I heard of. Exhaust fumes in a closed area (carbon monoxide) I heard was effective while people are asleep. It would be terrorizing for some people if we were to have them all in the group and start chopping heads off or whenever – this is why it would have to be secretly.
People fight for their land and rights daily but it seems that if we did the same we would be characterized as the same – oppressed group struggling for liberty. If we kill ourselves maybe we would be categorized as lunatics but at least we would be assured that our people could not sell us out or be tortured or taken and brainwashed (the children). The manuscript he mentioned could be sent to whomever – Russia or Cuba, maybe even to the States though they were change it around. People would listen more to what we had to say
because 800 people taking their lives would be quite something to read about.
They will lie on us no matter what we do anyway. If we fought it would look stupid if they changed the story that we were fascists fighting black Guyanese socialists because I believe the soldiers would be brainwashed against us – they wouldn’t know who they were really fighting. From my experience in Georgetown, the Guyanese don’t understand who we are anyway.
I don’t know what weapons we have but I think we don’t have much of a chance of survival. We would be slaughtered and then although I didn’t think of it until someone mentioned it last night – they could probably add to their story that a lot of our people were cowards and ran from them. Maybe Mike [Touchette] and Albert [Touchette] have a loyalty to this land since they have been here so long, but I think Americans grow up with no loyalty to anything – land or principle. Many in the group have developed some loyalty – even new people since we have been here – maybe they would fight to be true to you – which is why I would fight – others to fight for the land. But what a farce it would be to be slaughtered and captured and risk our children’s lives to be taken to the fascists. So I am saying here I don’t know how many would stand up to fight.
So I am basically cynical about how far you can trust our people. The main reason for suicide – to assure safety to the children
and from the others standpoint of history – it would go down better and might stir others to become socialists or more active – such a drastic action as suicide.
It would be nice for our children to be able to grow somewhere communistically and safely, but if this can be accomplished I don’t know. I don’t relish the idea of participating in killing the children and I don’t think anyone does but I will do it because I think I could be as compassionate as the next person about it, and I don’t hate children. I know Stephen [Stephan Jones] is true to you but some of the people who jump and say “fight” – I don’t think look at the consequences. It is an easy way out for some to just go to the frontline – fight and die and not have to be worried about the children or seniors or others injured or whatever who would no doubt be left to meet the fascists – unless our planning was so secure as to assure death to the children and seniors.
At this point when I thought we should fight was when I was accepting that life will always fuck us over, that our people would have to suffer – that’s just the way life is – you will always get fucked over so what did it matter – our people deserved it anyway – why are we better than anyone that we can’t be tortured also. But then you said we could plan our deaths – we
didn’t have to just die – we could try to have impact on the world and save our children. So I switched back to suicide. I felt like if we fought – maybe to each one it would mean something but it almost seemed to me – well, we’re going to get fucked over by life again, because I think there is no guarantee on our children dying securely in the middle of a battle. With our plan now – the way we would like to do it – it may take up to two hours.
Also I think what a slap in the face to fascists it would be to take our own lives before they could have the pleasure of it. Then again they might probably be glad they didn’t have manpower or guns to waste on us. They would have to clean up the remains and would have the story we have left to remember us by.
I think life is a fuck over anyhow whatever we do but maybe less with the revolutionary suicide – so I stick to it. I’ll do whatever is expected of me no matter what you have me to do.