Sexual Notes/Summaries continued (Sharon Amos)
– admits she has lesbian feelings/likes to watch females bodies
– attracted to 19 women and 3 men
– tho she was very upset she said that Pat Patterson wasn’t writing to her, she didn’t list him on her list of males she was attracted to but instead listed Mike Prokes, Tim Swinney and Bruce Oliver, and the female she listed was Tobi Stone
– hopes she can find a husband sometime/though don’t see anyone here/she had been hoping she’d find one here
said “I have no desire for no man or woman sexual in no way, but as my sisters and brothers in Christ.”
– said she doesn’t think she could be sexually attracted to anyone because of all she’s gone thru with Irvin. Could relate to someone only for money or to use someone or if she’d get something out of it as she’s still wrapped up in herself.
– likes Mr. Bridgewater, has sexual feelings for him as he’s so kind and loving
– hope someone will come along soon
(I NOTICED THAT JUDY IJAMES WAS MENTIONED SEVERAL TIMES AS SOMEONE PEOPLE, EVEN YOUNG MEN WERE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO, ALSO SEBASTIAN MCMURRAY WAS MENTIONED FREQUENTLY)
– had sex in LA with Willie Grady and enjoyed it, took money from him even when she went communal in SF – but refused to have sex with him. He then became involved with Patty Johnson and went downhill/Cheryl wonders if she should have gotten the relationship approved
– was attracted to John Harris but decided he wasn’t principled
– others that she would be interested in, if she was on that plane, Sebastian McMurray, Danny Kutulas, Larry Schacht, Walter Cartmell
– Danny made advances to her but she thinks he was only teasing
– likes Bill Hall but realizes she would have been killed if it hadn’t been for you
– likes Sam Anderson.
– worried about Perry when Bill Hall comes/Perry blames her for his heart trouble and constantly brings up what she has done to him
– attracted to a man in SF, Roy Harris
– attracted to the little Indian Girl Gabrella as she is such a sweet child/would have like to adopt her/also attracted to flowers, trees, nature’s beauty
Shirley Smith & Becky Flowers:
– Shirley listed Becky as one person she’s attracted to and Becky listed Shirley
– attracted to Tina Grimm sexually, Diana Marshall, sexually and her personality, Keith Wright, sexually and personality
– didn’t list Andy as one she’s sexually attracted to, listed you and Sebastian McMurray
– listed Laura Johnston, Luna Buckley, and Sue Simon as those he’s sexually attracted to
– also listed Tom Kice for he’s always friendly and Walter Cartmell as he seems to care about Jim’s feelings
– said the last time she thought she was attracted to someone it lasted 35 years
– now thinks she’s out of that stage of having someone. If she changes her mind she will let you know but now she feels her “get up and go got up and went”
– is bisexual
– problem handing one attraction and that is to Mike Prokes/has been attracted to him for nearly 1 1/2 years
– there was a man she had sex with in US for 7 years/he wasn’t a PT member
– primarily attracted to Ronnie James/more loyalty than anything else
– in US Bonnie Beck was the only person who took time to understand Barbara
– could relate to Etta Thomas & Steve Addison
– attracted to Norman Ijames
– admires Henry Mercer
– attracted to Al Simon, Davis Solomon, Lee Ingram but doesn’t flirt with any of these people
– feels there is nothing to gain but much to lose from getting involved with people who have past or present relationships with others
– sexually attracted to her own imagination/ can imagine any kind of situation she wishes/ can end it anytime and nobody’s hurt
– likes both male and female
– has done lesbian acts before/likes breasts
– likes Jerry Wilson but not for sexual reasons
– likes guys that are built and who are older than she
– not attracted to any particular sister right now
– likes himself
– Danny Marshall because of his black awareness (Cordell was one of the ones that wanted to be sure the advanced socialism class had black teachers as well as white)
– he names all black people he is attracted to except Marilee Bogue
– wants women to fulfill his selfish ego by having intercourse with him/named about 23 women plus said there are more/knows this is counterrevolutionary and feels he will grow out of it
– named several young men and women and also included Mary Rodgers and another senior (light skinned who has a grandson here, think he means Annette Jones)
Lois Ponce [Ponts]:
– lists several men and women/really goes into adjectives, “she’s a real doll”, “he’s tough” – sounds to me like this is a good sign and a slight difference (though maybe not much) away from her goody-goody image
FF-5-b-1 – Letters to Dad
LETTERS TO DAD – TURNED IN ON 26-1-78 [January 26, 1978]
SELF-CRITICISM AND CONFESSIONS OF STEALING
Dear Dad, From Helen Johnson – Last Sept. Helen states that she took two sheets and a pair of jeans because someone had taken hers. She also sent out a warm bedspread for herself. (The sheets were sent to Gladys Jackson). She asked you to forgive her because she doesn’t mean to cause you more pain.
Dear Dad, From Mary Ford – She took a sheet that had no name on it, that no one claimed in her dorm. She also took a pair of jeans. She said that she would give them back but she doesn’t know who they belong to.
Dad, From Renee McCurry [McMurry] – She stole some food from the kitchen because she works in there and took special privilege.
To Dad, From Yvonne Morrison – States that she has been stealing constantly because of habits from the states. She stole mostly food. She says, “Because of you I didn’t go to jail when I got caught in the store”. She said she steals because things of hers are missing and she tries to get it back. She stole underwear, and socks. She would get clothes from the warehouse and people would demand them back when they would see them on her. She says she feels very guilty for this and for not reporting herself. She states, “I think I should really be talked to”. She also thinks she should cut down on food because she can’t stop herself from eating. It is the only thing she really cares about. “I know that I need help in certain areas”.
To Dad: From Francine Crenshaw – She stole a toothbrush from the warehouse when she was working there because she had lost hers. I had also gotten special food: extra cups of tea and she has also told the servers that she didn’t get her fruit so that she could have some to eat later. She took special privilege because she didn’t think she would get caught. She felt that she wasn’t getting enough to eat but she’s usually able to get what she wanted, and she felt, “As long as I don’t get caught, who cares?” She states, “From now on I will eat only what everyone else is given and no longer take special privilege because it is not fair to everyone and I can stand to lose 20 lbs.”
Dad, From Ruby Carroll – She took a cup of sugar from the family and she is very sorry and it will not happen again.
Dear Dad, From Earl Johnson – Earl says that when he was a boy of 14 yrs he tried to be good and was a quiet person. Without any reason, 12 children beat him up they also beat up his little brother. They were sorry later for this. Later, he got a job with the city but was treated so bad that he couldn’t trust anyone until he met the one “We call Dad … the most high”. He says that all the rest he will trust as long as he can see them because most all men and women will steal, lie and cheat, whether they are black or white. He says that he has had many things stolen from him here from his suitcase, sleeping bags, clothes… “I don’t call myself a good fellow… I don’t talk much but sometimes I get hostile as hell thinking about things people do… they walk around and pick fusses. I don’t like troublemakers. I’m not an angel myself, I have guilt over many things that happen in my life. “I like those that like me, hate those that hate me and will kill those that try to hurt me… Love ones sister, brother and friends. I work in the orchard, I have ate fruit that the birds pick holes in, fruit that was soft and mushy.
Dear Dad, From Theo Williams – “I’m sorry about last night. I tried to do right
so hard until I mess up when I think I did something wrong. I like to check it and be sure I have bad thing on my bed (Not his clothes) I didn’t put them there – when guests come, someone saw them he says and he moved them. (Not clear) He says he will make up for this. Thank you for everything.
Dear Jim, From Magnolia Farris – She found a bar of soap in the shower and kept it after trying to find the owner. Another time, she found a piece of towel on the bridge and again tried to find the owner. She kept stopping people and asking who it belonged to and finally located Ruby Johnson, who told her she could keep it.
Dear Dad, From Penny Silver – When I first came to Jonestown, I took an old scarf I found upon the warehouse floor. It was so old that fell apart the first time that I washed it and this really serves me right, considering the guilt that I had over it. I also ate some of Brother McKnight’s greens and cucumbers when I was taking care of him. One time, Mary Tschetter gave me an extra bowl of food. I openly asked for it and she took the bowl and said to let her get it so there wouldn’t be any trouble. I felt guilty about this because at that moment I realized I was getting a special privilege and didn’t report it. Also, I was afraid to report her as I am sort of scared of her. Also, one morning when I was taking care of Earl McKnight and Steve, I went to get their breakfast and Agnes had a plate for me too. It had eggs on it. I knew this was special privilege and I ate it anyway but I felt so guilty that I almost got sick. I also took a grapefruit and this too has caused me a lot of upset and guilt. I took two pairs of jeans that had no names on them and I couldn’t find the owners of them. I had lost so much weight and needed clothes and rationalized that it was okay but I should have turned them into the warehouse. I feel like such a hippocrite [hypocrite], Dad, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this opportunity to rid myself of this terrible guilt. I also switched a sheet on Earl McKnight. I gave him a white and kept a pretty purple one to brighten up the Teaching Crew area. If I think of anymore, I will write it up but this is basically it. Oh yes, when I first moved into this area, I found a bottle of aspirin under Don Field’s bed. When Carol was sick, I use a few of the aspirin for her for her fever and I took the bottle back to the nursing office.
Self-analysis from Ellie Beam – While I was on the teaching crew I treated Alida Santiago bad and got her in trouble when it was me that did it, and as I analyze myself I see the reason I did it. I was threatened by her and I felt when she got on the Learning crew I would be in competition. I also have an attraction from Alida. I took advantage of getting off on Friday and really acted an ass. Bec. [Because] of this I am going to help Penny at night time giving the people on the teaching crew showers and get them organized at the dorm and take on more responsibility and keep my mouth away from gossip. It is bec. I feel insecure of who my friends are. I have my mind on males too much. The last time I wrote up a self-evaluation it was bull-shit. I didn’t look at myself. Penny talked to me about this and told me I should write this up to you. (Penny said to me, KL [likely Karen Layton], that she told Ellie she was going to write Ellie up if Ellie didn’t write herself up.)
Personal to Dad • Turned in 26-1-78
Lexie Davis is proud to be a socialist, dad:
Dear Dad: When I first became a PT member I didn’t know what [it] meant to be a socialist or communist… Had not heard the word until I met you… Wish I could have known about socialism when I was young … WOULD BE A BETTER WOMAN TODAY… All I heard about communism was negative and very little at that… Today proud to be a socialist, Dad… I am not very talkative… My words just won’t come out right… Wish I had the gift to express myself before an audience of people… Can think of so much to say until I come before an audience…
Thank you, Dad, for your teaching… When I came to Jonestown five months ago, I feared death… Couldn’t make myself believe it was a pleasant relief from this hell which we live in… Your teachings has helped me to come face-to-face with the truth… Each one of these crises we have had, I have listened very very closely to your teaching… It has helped me to grow stronger and willing to die for what I believe in. Socialism is the only way.
Also, I believe in Revolutionary Suicide for our unabled Seniors and babies is the right way because nobody love them the way we do. Thank you for your love.
25-1-78 MEMORIES THAT LULA RUBIN [Ruben] BROUGHT BACK TO ELSIE BELL:
From Elsie Bell: Dear Dad: I have heard Lula Rubin and Helen Snell … I have also seen Black people killed, lynched and I also saw the first Black woman electrocuted in Vicksburg, Mississippi in 1947-48… they hay cotted (not clear) her from all cemetery – her family could not claim her body… The rich ruler carried her to the swamps and buried her, Dad. That was a black day for me. Dad, I listen to Lula Rubin and Helen Snell… Something inside of me was screaming out, “Here I am in Jonestown, being protected by you, Dad.” I am so glad to be here in Jonestown and out of the US and don’t regret it at all to see these babies growing up healthy and happy, Dad. I hear so often, Black people say they never suffered, Dad. I don’t understand… It was all around me as a child. I had nightmares… I do not understand, not until you came. Before you came, I wondered what will become of the Black people, Dad, it feels like something is crying out inside of me as I think about what is happening in the US. Lula brought to my mind, my so-called Mother’s sister… She had 14 children and a husband who could not provide for them. She walked the foot logs in the dead of winter… Her shoes had holes in them… To go from the plantation owner to work for nothing to bring milk and food left over from the table and this was life for her for 40 years… And when she got too old to walk, she had to move to a little town and there she died. One of her sons at the age of three fell into a large pot of boiling water when they were killing pigs. Her daughter burned to death trying to make a fire in the old pot-bellied heater. She dropped some of her babies in the cotton field… Some of them were older than I. Lula Rubin brought these memories back to me last night. I am grateful, grateful to be here in Jonestown, Guyana… I will say again… I am grateful!
WORRIED ABOUT HER GRANDMOTHER IN L.A. CAN WORKER CHECK ON HER?
Dad: From Vicky Marshall: Vicky has received a letter from her Grandmother (Nettie Jones) and it was a very negative letter. Her brothers and Dad treat her really bad and they all live with her. Vicky is worried about her and wants to know if a Los Angeles worker can look in on her.
Dear Father: From Aurora Rodriguez: WANTS TO COME TO FREEDOM LAND NOW
12-31-77 Peace and Love. Today, Dec. 31, 1977, the last day of the year of 1977… Father I am so tired… It has been hard, you have made everything possible even to be alive.
Father, I would like to go to the P.L. [Promised Land] with my 3 grandchildren. Very soon.
Please, Father, Marthea can explain to you in person… Can it be possible for me to go to the P.L.? Soon… I am apostolic.
The school system here is something else. I want the children out of this system. The children have passports, shots, and all guardian papers signed by their mom. The children’s mom signed papers in March, 1977 in front of Tim Carter and Gloria Rodriguez here in San Francisco. We are ready to go, with you. Thank you, Father.
SUGGESTIONS AND AGRICULTURAL/GARDEN REPORTS, LIVESTOCK, WOODSHOP
To Dad From… No Name. That a chopper and pitter be used to grate the vegetables in the garden. There is a question about the electricity. Also Jim Bogue is going to ask Georgetown about the red streak infection in sugarcane. Charlie is supposed to work on the Chopper and pitter situation and give a report at the next agricultural meeting. One half of the transplanted citrus trees will probably go into shock because they were too old. Treatment: Neg B, which is being given to them.
Live Stock Daily Report Jan. 26, 1978 by Jim Murrall
Fed and cared for livestock A.M.
Built feed troughs for pigs
Found a lump in one of the heifer’s jaw
Will keep eye on it to see if it is going to be a problem
Feed and cared for livestock P.M.
Did some research on cattle
Sawmill from Ron Sines
Production Report for week
Quantity Items completed
1 Organ bench
1 File box for med. Dept.
4 File box for school? Dept.
1 Large wood mallet for CT’s [Charlie Touchette] chain saw
½ doz. Wedges for CT’s chain saw
1 Bench for radio room
1 Cabinet to organize Joe Wilson’s glass repairing
1 Letter for [Miguel] dePino’s bunk
1 Mosquito net frame for guesthouse
Items in progress
4 Egg crates
1 Desk for watch repair
1 Set of brick molds
7 Orange crates
Note from Ron Sines: After Tuesday night rally I have found it much easier to get a hold and control my hostility. I have taken advantage of my position as supervisor and let my hostility flare up when it was not called for.
[Editor’s note: The order of the next two pages was reversed in the FBI’s PDF of this section.]
From Sharon Jones – Should Lois be asked to participate in the labor and delivery of our guest. She is on the OB team and will probably get upset if not asked. However, she may make her nervous.
There are several people who were like the baby. The couples I know about are Ava Jones, Sandy Jones, Jim Barnett. It probably should be decided soon because Larry expects the baby to be born this week.
From Michaeleen Brady – Carl Barnett just came to me and said he heard that he had been driving too fast. He would not say who told him. He was on my S.A.T. report, and was told to approach me. Three others reported it and I don’t feel he should have been told who reported it.
From Bob Kice
RE: His belief that Walter Williams is slacking off in his wood cutting work
Walter Williams is indeed a good worker and very helpful in the kitchen. The only problem is that he has been slacking off considerably in his job as wood-splitter. Gerald Johnson, his supervisor, has been ill since the last crisis and without direct supervision Walter does not stick to wood splitting and I feel the main reason he is helpful as a kitchen server is that he has lost interest in his original function. Bonnie Simon told me that Walter was hanging around the kitchen area for no apparent reason. Eva Pugh also noticed. With Gerald ill and me on patrol there are only two people splitting wood, Walter and Chris Newall [Newell], which is the primary reason he cannot be spared from his wood duties as I explained to Bonnie S. and Loretta C. [Cordell] when they inquired about Walter’s help. For several days I have noticed Walter being unproductive (wood wise) and when I asked he gets an attitude. I’ve been debating on writing him up due to the fact that he has been on Learning Crew twice already and he is half the crew. S.A.T. also noticed wood splitting slacking off, and one reason is that they are running low on wood to split which is why I am running the chain saw for a couple of days. Sorry to submit a negative report after you read a positive one over the P.A.
From Bob Kice
RE: His negative feelings about Jeff Carey
I also felt that I should report my negative feelings towards Jeff Carey. I’ve never trusted him, especially stateside, with his dad’s CIA involvement and what I felt was the special treatment he received. I know I’ve received special treatment all the years I’ve been around which sickens me now that I think about. It’s such a good feeling knowing or hoping that I’m not being treated special. I do want to prove myself grown up enough and worthy enough to be dealt with like I need to be dealt with.
Anyway, getting back to Jeff: when I first arrived Tom Kice told me that during the crisis he had been assigned to “Take Out” Jeff if they got you. Needless to say that didn’t help my prejudice towards him. I had forgotten until recently that Tom had said that. I can work with Jeff but I really don’t care for him or Tom for that matter.
From Versie C. [Connessero] Perkins
RE: Problem with Marthea Hicks
Jan. 25, 1978 – Yesterday Marthea claimed I didn’t go to the bathroom until 11:00 for diarrhea which was totally wrong. By 11:00 I had been many times. At 9:30 on my break I had to go home and change my underpants because I didn’t
(Letter from Versie continued)
make it. Marthea kept up a lot of confusion by saying what she wanted to do and was loud talking Eugene Chaikin – wanted to know why he couldn’t do something. I told her Gene didn’t know her an explanation as to why. Marthea mostly would go over much of the work that had been done by other people. She thought Danny and myself were talking about her when we work.
I think there is a conflict that is left over from the states. It all started when I was taking care of Maisha. She told Betsy she was crazy for letting a counselor take care of her child and told her to get Maisha back so she could have her and that was done.
PS Becky Flowers was giving instructions as to who was to do what – Marthea would say no – the trees were too heavy and she didn’t want to carry them. She did, however, near the end when the banana crew wanted to know why no one on the citrus crew was helping to carry trees.
From Margarita Romano, co-supervisor, Cassava
RE: Cynthia Davis’ not working well
I feel it’s my responsibility to write to you that I have gotten reports from Jan [Jann] Gurvich and Tina Turner that Cynthia Davis did not work good at all the last time we were on the Cassava Trip down river. Both of them said that she was slow and sluggish. She was not keeping up pace with the rest of the crew.
I would like to apologize to you for putting off this write up for this length of time but since we are going down river again, I think you should know. My observation from Cynthia’s performance while on the job is the same. She is slow and sluggish. Her name was not on the list but she thinks that she is going again.
I told Rob Geig [Gieg] that night when it was first mentioned about going down river to let Rhonda Page go because of her consistent work habits and her speed and I told him that. Cynthia does not work good in his reply was that he did not want to deal with Rhonda’s mouth. I said well, she works good. I think her mouth could have been curbed for that reason if she knew how important that assignment was. I also think Rob Geig was being unfair about that decision.
Personal Note from Rose
RE: Going back by boat to Georgetown and returning to (think) the U.S.???
Says: Joyce did not mail this letter as you instructed her to do. (Letter attached to Rose’s daughter from Rose.) It came in the mail from Georgetown. I am going back by boat when it comes. I will call Angela collect or would you like for me to go get it? I have to go to Georgetown to get my clothes. I do have a one-way ticket and return – would cost me about $475.00. I am not anxious to go but will go for you if you like.
(Letter to her dau [daughter] says: Dear Dau: I do not want you to be worried because I asked for the CC for $3. I am planning to buy and try to have something here, so do not be alarmed or afraid to do as I asked you. I am fine and happy – wish you were here. Weather is beautiful, etc.)
STEALINGS AND SELF CRITICISMS
Mark Boutte, written on his supervisor evaluation of sawmill
This is my first week [as] supervisor. I was out 2 ½ days sick. I don’t have the hours for my dept. this week but will next week. I am too fast to correct people in the tent. I am self-righteous. Mr. good guy who can’t make mistakes. I don’t like to take criticism from fellow workers but will. I beat around the bush and I will stop. I should have taken more responsibility before moving to Jonestown. I very seldom confront in meetings. I stop by my home on my work hour to get something on my way back from taking wood out sometimes. In the states I always had to prove myself because of how small I was by getting a hard job and working hard for the cap. [capitalist] system. I never let a big person talk down to me – I always had to stand up. I’m grateful to be here because no matter how small you are you won’t be looked down upon.
Shirley Smith, criticism written on her work crew evaluation
Occasionally I argue too much with Simpson in front of the crew, and I think this causes others not to take him serious when he gives some job assignment.
From Carol Kerns – I told you before about the bananas and cheese bread but there are other things. I claimed two pairs of jeans from the laundry room because mine had been lost. I also took a pair of panties off the line. I tried to relieve my guilt by thinking others do it, or mine had been taken. I think I am better because I have been given attention because of the traitors in my family. I come off looking good a lot because I stayed and they didn’t. But I really can’t use that because I remember how close I came to moving to LA with Jeanette but only you opened my eyes. I also use the fact that I am Penny’s daughter. “Poor Carol, she’s Penny’s daughter.” Even though I hate to be called this, I also use it. I see things in myself that are in Penny – that I hate. But more than often I fail to see her good points.
From Lee Ingram – When I first got here and before my things came I ripped off 2 pairs of socks, 1 from Vincent Lopez and another from Karl Newell, after I found them with some of mine and other folks’ things.
From Shirley Hicks – I’m not just a thief but a liar. I told the people in the kitchen that I needed a plate for someone else and I ate that and the one they gave me for myself. I will work in the kitchen for one week after work.
From MaryAnn Casanova – Coming to honesty is so difficult and painful for a dishonest person as myself; I feel this guilt so much – I try to reverse this and think how painful it is for someone so honest and truthful to put up with and try to deal with the likes of me. I protect my self image; I am selfish and manipulative, a cleptomaniac [kleptomaniac]. I will get my eating in complete check, work harder and inspection crew and sandwich crew.
From Ellen Klingman
RE: GIVING EXTRA FOOD TO THE TOUCHETTES & OTHERS
Last rally you said to write out the guilt we feel and the things we have stolen. One time someone left a bar of soap in the shower and I took it. Later a lady confronted me Ed asked if I had seen her bar of soap and I lied and said no.
Last rally I covered my ass and other people’s. All of us (myself, Linda A. [Arterberry], Marvin [likely Sellers], Kim, Melanie [likely Briedenbach]) would eat eggs. When we make banana bread and have to peel bananas we would eat bananas. Linda has baked special cinnamon rolls, cakes, cookies for Albert [Touchette]. She made Joyce and Charlie lemon pound cakes several times. I am guilty too because like when we would cook cake or some kind of dessert for dinner we would take a special plate over to Joyce. Joyce had me make cheese crackers for them. I did it to kiss up to them figuring when I needed something done I would have no problems. I would say at least 1/3 of the family has had handouts at one time or another. Michelle Touchette and Rochelle Halkman would just walk in the bakery and open the cubbards [cupboards] and help themselves to cookies. If I did say something it would just cause more hostility between Linda and myself, because Michelle, Rochelle, Linda and Melanie all live together and run around together.
I used to bribe James Edwards in giving us coals by giving him a piece of banana bread, cookies or something sweet but I stopped doing that. Dad, I had to get this out so I can start over and be an honest socialist. I have set my mind on working harder and being honest and not taking any special privileges and not giving any. I announced that there will be no more dishonesty of eating eggs, etc. What really touched me was when I had the opportunity to give out cookies with you, how loving and concerned you were about getting everyone the same.
From Liane Amos – Because of my bourgeois elitism I read two of Peter’s books of science fiction. I will never do it again. I would like to write a sinopsis [synopsis] on a book of Marxism-Leninism.
Note from Shirley Robertson
RE: Wishes to adopt a baby
I would very much like to adopt one of the babies that are being brought in and cared for by us.
Note from Maryann Casanova –
RE: Wants to have a watch
Because of a varied schedule including day work and nite [night] work and keeping the hours of the crew working besides trying to keep mine, I think I need a cheap watch to meet these needs. One can be used with a safety pin and no band.
Note from Larry Schacht
RE: How some take pain
Helen Snell – takes pain poorly. Said she was not going to holler because I would tell on her but she overreacted to having a small needle put in her foot.
Saleata Johnson – brave when needle put in finger abscess
Barb Cordell – calm when I drained 13 cc of protein-fluid out of her knee. Had a cyst in front of knee.
STEALINGS AND SELF CRITICISMS
From Bea McCann – First, I stole a blouse. Then there was a red blanket I got from the laundry room during the first crisis. From the food lines, getting two plates and eating them both because it had a good dessert or main dish. A cookie from a senior. I took a pair of panties from the warehouse. I took a red blouse that came to our house. My thoughts were on what I wanted, monopolizing everything I can, making sure Bea gets whatever she wants no matter what the cost. I have always had my way and still try to have it. I also feel it could be an indirect act of hostility towards you. I’m an elitist who hates work, who hates to face anything. I will rectify this.
From Teresa King – I’ve stolen a sheet from the laundry. I resented getting moved out of my cabin one night while I was on security. As result I lost several things. I stole a toothbrush that was left in the laundry, 3 bananas one afternoon in the cellar. I was resentful for being kicked out of the banana shed. A yellow tee-shirt, a plaid shirt, 2 pairs of shorts, a pair of pants and 2 pair of underwear (from Tina Turner.) While working with the toddlers I’ve taken fruit and extra portions of food. I’ve always stolen from employers and it was always resentment. Resentment is my main problem. I’m one person who thinks I’m special, and I am resentful that no one recognizes it but me. My quilt [guilt] usually turns into resentment. Resentment is the reason I’ve had cancer. My main task at this point is to reverse the process and get my resentment to turn to guilt.
From Magaline Lyles – I stole some soap from Lula Ruben. I stole it because I did not have any, and the warehouse wouldn’t give me any. I would be willing to go on learning experience for 2 weeks also. Also, I’ve been beat, shot at by my husband and have been put out doors. I’ve been put in jail. It doesn’t matter what happens to my life now – I don’t care anymore. I am glad I met you who cares. Also my children were hungry.
From Shirley Smith – I have eaten a lot of food which Anthony Simon has given to me from the kitchen. I am not putting the blame on Anthony because I knew each time he gave me something it was taking from the people. And today I didn’t keep my guilt feelings long enough because I would forget and think of myself or let others talk to me about their aches and pains. And I wonder if there is any hope for me to become a real Communist.
From Liane Amos, self-analysis – By a combination of your meeting, self-analysis and confrontation this morning by teachers meeting I know I’m an extreme case of elitism. The day before yesterday I read two science fiction books, one of which I read during an outing with the children to do work at the piggery. I escaped into the book. I read it when we were walking there and during our breaks. I stole a barrett [barrette] off the floor of Ct 2 and a pair of underwear off the line. I have worn people’s clothing without asking and then returned it washed rationalizing that it was ok because I returned it in good condition. I felt I needed it because my stuff was stolen and I was embarrassed to go a 2nd time to the warehouse for more underwear. I was thinking only of myself. I’m too image-conscious and too worked about outside appearances. I’m late to teachers meetings yet I expect all children to be on time to classes. I give them checks for brushing hair in class and I did it. I give orders and command respect yet I’m inconsistent. I overwhelm myself with projects instead of just doing one well. I do this to avoid monotony and feel needed. I have all the ideas but not the incentive to carry them out. I work if my image is at stake. I don’t like to take responsibility for something that is going wrong. I work for
(from Liane, continued)
praise and to be thought well of, and work so I won’t be in trouble. I manipulate and cover my shit. I am too dependent. I ride in on my mom’s name and actions. I’m disorganized with my time and personal affairs. I procrastinate and do everything at once to make up. I use my back as an excuse to get out of work and when people don’t believe me, I overdo it and hurt my back. I’ll worry about trivial problems and projects and let everything else crumble. I’ve got an excuse and explanation for everything I do. I don’t face racism in myself.
PERSONAL NOTES TO JIM
From Ellen Klingman – The night Harold was on the floor you mentioned that the ranch might of fell through. Am I out of line to ask the status of the ranch for personal reasons – because of Mike?
From Maria McCann – I feel that the situation with Willie Graham giving Michael bleach water went unresolved last night. You mentioned it several times and none of the toddler workers said anything. I told Willie she better say something and she did not. This situation disturbs me because the workers showed a total lack of concern about it. In fact no one even told me it happened. Michael kept telling me he drank bleach water. When I asked the workers they said it was true and explained what happened. I asked Joann Johnson if it would be written up and she said no because it was an accident. I felt like writing it up but didn’t because it involved my child. That’s no excuse, for I should have written it up anyway. I feel the workers, especially Willie, should be dealt with because it was a very negligent error. The bottle was marked with BLEACH, and if not for you it could have been fatal. Thank you for your protection.
From Ben Robinson – I am writing in regards to being a part of the boat crew. I assume to be a part but was never told officially I wasn’t off the crew, but yet I wonder why I never was confronted to go on the boat. (?) I remember once when the boat left for G-town I was told that the reason I wasn’t going then was because the people going to G-town from Jonestown (men) would be sufficient as far as loading the boat. That was the time you made the statement to me, “you didn’t go on the boat?” So I assumed then you had cleared me because you knew about the situation.
I am still very much interested in becoming a part of the crew. I’ve been trying to work my ass off in the cassava dept for production as well as boat crew job. If that time came I would still like to work in the fields with the cassava crew when the boat is here in Jonestown.
As for my companion, we have decided to stay together. I admitted attractions for others, but socialist production means more. When I get depressed I think about being in jail for 15 years and you getting me out. I owe it to you to not let production down. I’m sorry for the self centeredness and put you through your being concerned about both of our emotional impact from the divorce.
From: Bea Orsot
Re: Self-evaluation – Week of January 14, 1978
1. Find it difficult to confront strong chauvinistic personalities alone, specifically Dick Tropp because he completely pulls the shade down & ignores me; feel it is a waste of my time.
2. Should have explained to Tom Grubbs the possibility of situation with John Jones as it was on my mind for a week since I first wrote it up as result of report from Becky. Took for granted he would be very certain it was handled properly. I sure should have known better as I’m always on his ass about poor detailed follow-up. I’m analyzing myself as to the possibility of trying to put him on the spot since I wrote it up for him because I heard him say at teachers meeting a few days ago that a report should be written & given to you. I should have spent time talking to him about it & did not – Sure knew the situation as I was my first confrontation in PC 2 years ago was as a result of my writing up Jim Jones, Jr. –
a confrontation I will never, never forget.
Final Analysis: I was not trying to put Tom on the spot – Greatest fault was being presumptuous it would be handled properly, which presumption has caused you pain. I should have followed up my own uneasy feeling about it, which started a week ago. Guilty of same thing. I confront Tom for lack of detailed follow-up.
3. Look for faults in those I personally dislike in order to use that as revenge.
4. Getting too chummy with one I supervise – Shirley Robinson. Should be friendly, yes, but maintain supervisor roll [role] in order to maintain respect only because it is essential to her proper functioning. Will correct now.
Note: I was not defensive on the floor last night re: John Jones or Luella’s [Luella Holmes Brown] accusation re feeding of dog out of plate. I did not or do not feel there was in a justified need to write it up as it was a day of crisis & security would not let us out & dog would have been without food for 24 hours or more – I didn’t know how long really. Only reason it was done & I did not hide it – Why should I have? Thought Louella needed the winning position.
Self-evaluation of this: Too image-conscious – want to be right & look good to you.
GUILT ABOUT THE STATES
Vernetta Christian – I feel guilty about the times I showed lack of principle by spending money eating out and not channeling my money back into the cause, and especially going to McDonald’s. I feel guilty about not pamphleting as often as I should have.
Marylou Clancey – As you know I cashed a paycheck from my job and only turned in about $100 from the total $300. I spent it over a period of about 2 ½ – 3 mos on a variety of selfish, bullshit items – mostly food – candy, gum, sodas, vivarin, toilet articles, lotion, shampoo, clothes. Somehow I rationalized doing this totally selfish wrong thing. I will never be able to repay you and the family. I had a very short and meaningless relationship with Bruce Turner. I was stupid – self-centered and mainly thought I would get away with it. I did suffer a lot of guilt about this esp. when you had to risk your life to return to US. I will never involve myself in any relationship without your total knowledge and condolence. I do not see any prospects for the future anyway. Hope my work here will replay my fuck-ups.
Luna Murrell – I must admit I wasted a lot of time while I was in the US and I am sure I would have wasted a lot of money had I been in the position of making a lot. As it was, I wasted too much on the little I was making. I was on the learning crew for a day. I have never worked so hard in all my life. If you are strong enough to endure it it will make you a good revolutionary. I know I can change any odds? with the hope and confidence you have given me.
Barbara Guevara [Cordell] – Before we left the states we sold everything we could of our belongings, but instead of turning the money into the church like I should have I bought clothes and things for me and the children. I feel guilt because of Rick Cordell. I was too easy on his ass in the church and my children suffered because of it. I was too passive and still am. I don’t confront people like I should. It’s partly because I want to be liked and because I don’t want to be confronted.
I suggest we get some of the books we need by having people in the states who are ready to come over check them out of the library and bring them. We could cut down on agriculture meeting time by having some areas give reports on Tues. nite and the rest on Sat. nite. We could vote the early part of Tues. night on what treat we want Sunday. Then everyone could vote. I think a hard punishment to take would be to miss all food on a Sunday. Tray tables to eat on could be made for the sick room, then stack when not in use.
Denise Hunter – I’ve written you many letters but didn’t turn them in. I feel guilty that I am white, and I took advantage of my whiteness in the states. I stole from almost every store in Ukiah and 2 or 3 in the city. The city had better security systems so they were harder. Mostly I stole booze and clothes. You are the only reason I didn’t go to jail. If I hadn’t been fucking Harold maybe he wouldn’t have fucked up on the ranch papers and we could have gotten more money for that. I feel bad because there are blacks there and because I was fucking up and had to come when they by all rights should have been first.
In Georgetown I fucked up by going to customs in getting my own bag out, never realizing what kind of shit I could have gotten us into. I know I can’t ever repay you for all you’ve done for us. I’ll keep working.
Marie Rankin – I used communal money to buy what I wanted instead of what it was given to me for. I moved out of the church without clearance. I was drinking with Bob Rankin on weekends and I drank during the week too. I didn’t pamphlet and I always got someone else to do my newspaper route.
Toi Fonzelle – I have quite a bit of guilt. Times that I could have spent with working for the cause was spent with Caesar Henderson. (Following him around like a puppy). Even though I have been pregnant by him three times and other sisters pregnant by him also, I still followed him around. I feel guilt because of the embarrassment I put Mary Rogers, Irra Johnson and Poncho J [Garry Dartez Johnson] through what I kept insisting that Tania, my dau [daughter], was Ted Holliday’s baby. This guilt I know I will always have. It wasn’t until a few days after my last abortion that I finally saw him for what he is. Thank you Dad for what you said about Peoples Rally. It helps me to accept my guilt more.
Rose Ruggiero – I am writing about my guilt. I can say that I did try to raise money in many ways did raise at least $1,000. but I feel a lot of guilt cause I could have done more. I could have asked my parents to send me some money and I should have gotten some type of part-time job while living and working in our temple. I also spent the leftover money from needs as laundry or gas money on food. Once in a while my mom would give me some money, and I never turned it all in. I will get my shit together here and improve with deeds and actions with my work. I have started a fund raising project which is simply some drawings in black ink. I hope that Patty and Rhevenia [Rheaviana Beam] can sell them. I will think of more projects as ideas come to my head.
Laura Johnston – I allowed my anarchy to show in sloppy patterns around Mary Wotherspoon’s house, in detail work on my job while I was representing communism and PT, in my work for the church. I feel bad that I wasn’t strong enough to be one of the ones holding up the fort back there – even now, I’m sorry that the ones back there have to stay longer and I can’t help. My most guilt from the US this from before being in the group – growing up in a white suburb and being so much a part of it without questioning and then selling out once I got some awareness to ego, drugs, sex and the whole passive female trip.
Linda Arterberry – I wasted money buying pills, bottles of dope, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Fish and Chips. I hardly ate at the church – I was always eating out. I bought unnecessary junk like clothes and shoes and records. I am very selfish and always think of myself. I was always loaded on drugs. I never participated in any projects that went on in the church. But now Dad I thank you that I have a better way of life because I didn’t have any life the way I was headed.
Chris Jones – Even though I wrote you what I’m about to write to you now, you asked for the guilts. I feel a lot of guilt for stealing a white man’s car in Ukiah, and also for stealing a purse out of a white woman’s car and it was blamed on a black woman (Michelle Wagner). I really feel bad about those two. And also for stealing money from various different persons. I passed as a bourgeois and went to Police Cadet classes in Ukiah, and associated with those white fascists. I also feel guilt for bringing cigarettes, marijuana and various dif. capitalist shit to support a racist fascist regime. I read about what we did in Vietnam. It’s Terrible! The US capitalists pigs are so mean and cruel and just to think that we supported this in everything we taught in the US. The more I learn about Communism, the more guilt I feel about where I came from. Money I earned I kept for myself, and I will try to make up for the wrong I did.
GUILT ABOUT THE STATES
Carver Guevara: I feel guilty for stealing from the people and others. And I also feel guilty for lying on people and hurting babies and animals. I feel guilty for giving other people special privileges. I feel guilty for not participating enough in our family. I feel guilty for having cliques and sticking around my relatives too much. I am going to improve.
Joyce Johnson – While I was out papering I got money from people saying it was bus fare to get home. On an average night I would get $5.00. I spent this on movies, candy, junk. I also used to get money from my so-called dad and the Medlocks and keep this.
Le Flora Townes – I wasted money playing bingo and dipping snuff.
Mary Ford: I am ashamed of the way I wasted time and money back there. I spent hundreds of dollars I could have turned into the cause and I spent lots of hours with men, and sleeping. I will try to do what I can to make it up. Dad, I sit and listen to you all the time and try to understand and remember but I don’t seem to remember or understand. I guess people wonder why I never speak out but I don’t understand and I listen and pay attention. I have only a little education. I went to school five or six years. I planned to go back some day but I got married early and started having babies and I never did. I guess it is my fault now, but I want to be one of the best children’s workers there is.
Inez Conedy: I spent my time in the states pamphletting, helping driving people for shots and passports, worked relief at Stanford Hospital and cleaned vegetables. I did not take pamphlet money. There was a few cents mixed with mine or mine with it, but not just taking it. This is the whole truth.
Annie McGowan: I stole money from my patients, that’s where I was getting so much money. Now I try to get people to see me right and I know I don’t be right. I should see their side. I am a damn fool but I will hold my mouth and see my comrade’s side. I am so happy here.
Ruth Lowery: I am truly sorry that I did not stay and work longer after the house was sold. I regret that I could not have foreseen the great need, moved into the apartments and worked on. I don’t feel that I wasted money. I always keep my commitment plus more ever since I became a member. But I do regret that I did not insist on staying back and making that $850.00 a month for the cause.
Barbara (no last name) – I’m guilty of just about everything from smoking dope to fucking around with trash. The time you saved me from being stabbed to death I was messing around with someone who thought negative to you and what you stand for. The last time I was in the states I went out with him, knowing he was no good. I’m sorry I was so ungrateful. I gave some of the little SSI a month but to me that want [wasn’t] shit. I am sorry for everything and I will always feel guilt.
Pauline Scott – I spent extra money going to different shows. My husband I spent money on – also ice cream, before I got into this cause.
Barbara Perry – I feel guilt about all the self-indulgences I used to do. Sleeping, eating – all the unnecessary things – sodas, candy, junk. Every time I wasted something it meant money. The taxes that went to kill people, and especially long distance phone calls that I didn’t need to make.
Don Jackson – I wasted valuable time in SF and RV. I could have devoted time to helping with newspaper delivery, publications, photography, learning Spanish, study, etc. I regret the foolishness – the flirting around with women trying to be something I was not. I wasted a lot of money. I was a fool. I hope that the effects of my mistakes won’t hurt me so much as to keep me from being able to contribute in some significant way to this collective effort.
Don Jackson – I feel guilty for arguing with the kitchen servers today although I felt I was right at the time. I realize now that my behavior was provoked by elitism. Please accept my apology – it won’t happen again.
Rhonda Page – I wasted time going out to see people that were not in the temple, going to clubs, going to Oakland, staying home watching TV and sleeping. I spent money on clothes, makeup, food, cigarettes. I got more money than I needed from needs. I also missed a few meetings. I didn’t always go to work or do my shifts at the temple.
Rosa Jackson – When I went to Pasadena and Leticia’s grandpa gave her money I did spend it instead of turning it in. I was very selfish in North America, but thanks to you I am learning how to share. Thank you for allowing me a chance to come to this beautiful place.
JOYCE PARKS – I’ve been very selfish and always wanted to set aside a place of comfort for myself. I would arrange my schedule so that I would have time to go to the library or spend time parked out by the ocean in SF.
When I worked for SF Veteran’s Hosp. I would take extended role nursing classes. The VA would pay me $5.00 for my lunches and I would keep it and take lunch from the church. With the money I would buy plants, hamburgers, cokes or other junk shit. This happened about once each month. I had insurance also through the VA. I would turn in valid claims to Blue Cross and also to VA. Refunds from BC policy I turned in and the VA refunds I would keep on occasion. I kept about $120.00 I’m sure.
I would spend excess time at work talking and messing around with people who worked in my dept. I could have accomplished a lot more Temple family work if I hadn’t fooled around so much, such as making free long-distance phone calls, stocking up on needed medical equipment, etc. I never looked into my motives for doing things that I wanted to do i.e. 1) spending so much time going to school. A degree wasn’t necessary for what I needed to know. But because my ego was and is so messed up I took too much time out for school in bullshit classes for a degree that was totally unnecessary.
I should have started out in Medical School after high school and not got my ass in the way with Jim Cobb and Dale Parks. I could have been finished some
(from Joyce Parks, continued)
years back taking pressure off of the situation now. It was so sick because I felt I needed a man to make me feel complete about my womanhood. Both mates have been nothing but pain to you and could bring anything down on us. I feel very bad and guilty for spending so many wasted hours with both of those ungratefuls.
In Georgetown I had a feeling of indispensability with the medical contacts, insurance, etc. I would not give the information to others because I wanted to be the know it all.
I carried on that sick mess with Leonard from Trinidad way past the time necessary. When he stopped giving I should have dropped all contact. He was an ugly old fool but I enjoyed thinking he thought I was intelligent and pretty. We didn’t get enough to fill a thimble from him and so much bullshit that it was unbelievable. In fact, he almost got Patty and myself in a mess. He went into Dr. Reid’s house one day and talked with his wife about a chicken farm. We didn’t know if he brought up PT or not. He said he didn’t but he lied as fast as anything. He was also a racist. Thus I was treasonous for contact with him.
With regard to Bunny [Laurence “Bonny”] Mann in Georgetown – I knew better than to go anywhere alone with him. He had voiced to Paula things about me that proved he was up to no good. I could have brought down our project if you have used his gun or made up shit about us. I again thought I could handle something that was out of my area completely.
Bea McCann – My actions state side were totally rebellious and counterproductive. I was not producing at all. I was standing around as if I were someone important watching laymen work. I was wrapped up in myself and my sick relationship. I put myself and my companion above everything including you, my children, parents. We bought liquor, motel rooms, clothes, food and petty bullshit. I took needs money. I smoked cigarettes and weed. After my companion left, I sluffed [sloughed] off on what little production I was doing. I started cashing my checks again. I was spending money on colognes, jewelry, hotdogs, hamburgers, clothes, cigarettes, soda pops. And to ease my conscience, I would share some of the money with various ones. It didn’t ease the guilt.
All I thought about was I missed Paul and his penis. I felt “go get fucked. I have my man and I don’t need anybody. I’m better than you field niggers and I don’t have to do what you guys have to do.” My leaving the church was saying, “I’m white enough to make it, and even if I can’t, Paul can. He’s white.” My actions after Paul left were hostilities directed toward you. I made you pay for leaving me behind. I spend my money and took from the people. I didn’t work but stood around like a queen. I’m sorry I had to be brought here and stared right in the face by principle everyday. I’m sorry I chose not to stand up for principle. Thank you for bringing me over here because you could have said fuck it, leave her ass. But you didn’t and I thank you.
GUILT ABOUT THE STATES
Sharon Jones – I goofed off a lot in Redwood Valley – at least the time you were in S.A. I fucked Bruce Turner. I did waste money. There was money I could have put into our funds from patients but instead I used it to go to the movies buy some clothes and junk food. I felt very guilty about the relationship with Bruce and previously considered splitting and committing suicide. I regret that I didn’t think about using suicide in a fashion in which some of our enemies could have gone with me. Your arrival back to the States so suddenly squelched my thoughts. Your last trip from the states my behavior was better though I still wasted money until I moved to SF. I put off moving to SF as long as I could because I did not want to be under tighter control. I did not want to come here when I did because I wanted to prove to you that I could behave myself when you were gone. However that opportunity is gone; I missed it. I know that I will regret forever that I did not live up to what I could have done. I have a high regard for people like Jean Brown, Tom Adams in the few who have proved to you that they can be trusted. I did not steal any money while working with Debbie.
Marilee Bogue: In the states I hardly ever went pamphletting. I would get into other things to get out of papering. In LA instead of pamphletting or doing security I would go to housing even though I knew the need for money. I very seldom carried through with any responsibility. I would get phony extra receipts so I could get extra needs money to spend. I had a very arrogant and nasty attitude and it didn’t matter with whom. I’d complain about every ache and pain like it was a big thing. I knew Tom Beikman was drinking and smoking but wouldn’t tell on him. I would talk behind people’s backs horribly – so many I can’t begin to say who. I was fat as a gourd and wouldn’t lose weight. Thank you for giving me another chance.
Constance Jones (Harris): I should have gone communal long before I did. I sold cans and kept part of the money for myself. I didn’t go pamphletting as much as I should have. I left a security post as a guard with Mother. Thank you for allowing me to write this, I have needed to for some time. Here is like a dream come true. I have never felt so happy and free.
Marion Campbell: I have used some of the money from pamphletting, but it was for oil, pictures and juices which the doctor said was important. At the time I was receiving a check for $296.00. I gave it all, also sent checks when I was in Los Angeles. I had a burial insurance which my cousin Jewell and I had but I couldn’t find out what happened to my part which I had paid in full. I went to Omaha for her funeral but the rest of the relatives didn’t let me know what come of the money. She had the papers. I never received it. My family isn’t fair to me at all. I am like the Black sheep but having you I guess I can make it. I do love you very much.
Tinetra Johnson: I bought clothes and shoes I didn’t need. I also spent money on liquor and dope. Every time I got a little money I would spend it on going out to eat. I feel bad that if I had did what I was supposed to do then the rest of our brothers and sisters could be over here by now. The only thing I miss about the states is my grandmother and my brothers and sister (Tere [Teri], Scottie and Al).
Versie Connasero [Connesero]: I wasted money on needs by saying I need wash money and used only a couple of dollars of it and spent the rest. I would let non-communal people give me money and I would spend it. Once I told Odell Blackwell in LA that Angela and I needed shoes; I did get shoes but spent part of the money on lunches at work. I bought clothes I didn’t need. Some Saturdays I would stay in bed until noon. I should’ve worked harder but I didn’t. I’m sorry I was such a fuck-up.
Theo Williams – I wasted a lot of money buying friendship like a dumb fool and still it didn’t work, so I am trying to do all I can to make up for it.
Katherine Dominick – I wasted a lot of money in the states drinking and smoking. I stopped after I went to SF. Thanks to you, after I moved I didn’t crave it anymore. I went out and bought food from other places outside the Temple instead of putting it in the cause.
Carol Dennis – The idea of death yesterday was scary but gave me a relaxed feeling as I thought no more worries about the children, myself, Ellihue, etc. I felt guilt over the fact the past few days I had been wishing I was stateside just to get off into something to forget the pressure. After all it was over I found myself hostile as hell because it wasn’t true. Today I still wish it had of been the real thing.
I’m trying to fall back into my old ways but at the same time I fight it. There have been days that I worked hard and felt my crew did too, but then comes along a report that we are too slow and dragey [draggy]. I object to this in some ways. I feel what may be one’s speed can’t be another and also some jobs require a slower pace. Unless the observers have worked in all the areas how can they determine what is the right speed? I realize this needs to be done, but at the same time it’s not fair for a report to be turned in to you if people are working good but not as fast.
My children took the day good except for LeAndra [Leanndra]. She was scared, cried and couldn’t understand. She felt this way before we talked about death. I don’t know quite what to say to her except make her feel death would be so much better. She spent the night with me on her birthday and was afraid to go to sleep because she was afraid she wouldn’t wake up.
I wonder if I will ever completely change I give myself totally to Socialism. I sure hope so. I think about how 5 mos. ago the thought of death scared me, working in the fields was a horror to me and walking a mile or even a block was terrible, but now I feel so different. I’m sorry for my moods and will avoid them.
Guilt feelings motivate me, but at times I sag into self-pity and go as I want. All the years I turned away from you and fought this cause. Then in Calif. I did as I wanted, bought what I wanted and went where I wanted and justified it by making a pledge or giving a few extra dollars now and then. I took money from the picture stand. I didn’t pay pledges or bus fare. After going communal, I would spend gas money on extra food and pepsis. All the hours I spent at home goofing off, screwing, watching TV or just plain sleeping instead of keeping my office work up. In LA I went to shows or ran around. – I hate myself for it. The money taken probably amounted to $350 with $250 paid back.
I drove the buses because it was ego building and I love the attention I got. I feel guilty about the bullshit with Irvin while you were here bec. it was more problems for you. I had a lot of ego involved with meeting with Mazer [Joe Mazor] and had I been thinking less about looking good, I could have probably gained more and found more information. I have been lax in my work the last couple of days bec. of feeling sorry for myself, and I will pick up. I can never make it up, all I can do is work hard to build this system here.
[Editor’s note: This page is typed in all capitals.]
February 12, 1978
From: Bea Orsot
Subject: Ways in which I blew our money in the states
1. I changed gas receipts for many months, about 7-8 months, took the money to buy mostly food, secondly, cigarettes, alcohol on 3 occasions. No one ever caught the changed receipt and it was very easy to spot. When I realized how easily it could be detected, I stopped it, fearing I would get caught. I felt guilty about it but saving my own ass from getting caught was paramount to my reason for stopping.
2. Before I stopped working for Internal Revenue, I had an account with the credit union and debts were deducted from my check and immediately and automatically sent to the credit union as pay off. When I became communal, even though I had paid off the debt, I still allowed the money to be sent to the credit union to be applied to my shares account. In other words, when I turned in my check to the commune, that money $33.00 was not included. Instead, I spent it on any clothing I needed, and any food I wanted including expensive meals in restaurants about 5 times. I was tempted all the time to eat fine foods and did. I felt some guilt and went pamphleting to help make up for it but I still owe the cause. I did write myself up for it once while in the states and have thought of it very often lately. It was no surprise to me when you asked for this to be written. (I finally had the $$ included in my check but it took me nearly a year to do it)
I know that this is painful for you to read and I hate writing it for that reason but it is my honesty.
Elsie Bell – It was a great experience on the 16th. I learned a lot in every crisis. Thus the experience to face death made me take a look at myself. I thought about all the money I wasted before I knew you trying to live and nothing to show for it. Now you have to keep me living. I looked and saw how you are suffering and going without sleep – I said why not take the poison and go into a peaceful sleep. You brought me back some weeks ago, and it’s very peaceful. I felt so different and strange. Thank you Dad.
Rose Shelton – Please forgive me for dozing in the meeting yesterday and last night. I took a Dramamine tablet because I thought I was going on the boat. My thoughts last night were that I could have been more faithful.
Barbara Kemp – Before I drink the potion Thurs. I felt sure that the end had come. I was glad to drink it because I felt like it was the best thing to do. Dad, I feel guilty for causing so much trouble since I’ve been here. I will do better in my work.
C. Butler (Chlotile) – I was glad to get the potion on Wednesday and was sorry it was not real. It would have been a pleasure. Thank you. My work: I work 8 hours a day. Thank you for the health to work.
Louise Williams – Just sitting there looking at the line of people, young and old alike, eager to get it over with. I thought of how nice it would be then at last it would be for you also to have peace from all the things we put you through and the death you die daily for us just so we might have true love and protection we have never had before you came into our lives. I just wanted to get it over. I am not afraid of dying bec. [because] I believe what you say that it’s peaceful. It was beautiful to know at last we were going to die. But then I know you would have planned it differently from what it was. Thank you Dad.
Maria Ruggiero – I would like to thank you for yesterday’s experience with death. I’m glad I got to feel what it’s like to be so close and then have to come back. It was a disappointment in some ways to me. As far as my thoughts after I drank the solution – I was trying not to think at all. I just wanted it to be over with. I thought about all the years in this cause and how it was coming to an end. I kept looking at you and was grateful you had come into my life. I forced myself not to think of Michael because I knew I would cry and I didn’t want to. It is so amazing to me how we live here from one day to another. One day we are drinking a death potion in the next day we’re producing in the fields as though we have a long life before us. I’m still a coward as to seeing my comrades spread all bloody on the field. I prefer revolutionary suicide. But how do we know exactly when to do it? These crisises [crises] have made me stronger Dad.
I know I’m very family oriented and I still think of my relatives in the states, but not as much as before. Even if we die today I feel grateful for the time we had with you which made our lives worth living. I feel very stupid because I don’t let your teachings sink into my head. Sometimes I can sit
(continued from Maria Ruggiero)
thru a whole service and not even remember one thing that happened. There’s no excuse for this. I’m working on it. You try your god damest to teach us and I feel very ashamed when you said yesterday you felt like a failure. You’re not, Dad! Just because of a few ignorant assholes like myself are too self-centered to make ourselves listen and learn, does not mean you failed – it means we failed.
As far as wasting in the states – I used to ask for unnecessary needs money and spend my money on junk food instead of what I asked for. When my mom would give me money I would spend it instead of turning it in. Also a few weeks before I came here I started smoking cigarettes with Maurine O’dell.
Dad, I don’t understand why you told us to feel good about ourselves yesterday when we drink the potion. I don’t feel good about myself at all. Shouldn’t I die thinking about all my guilts and not anything good I did – if any?
Margrette Jeffrey – Thank you so much for the experience we all went through yesterday. I really felt that death would be a relief from so many problems, and that I would be much better off. Being better off does not mean that I am unhappy here in Jonestown because being here is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Shirley Robinson – Sex, drugs, nor wine could take what took place this evening. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to go through the process of dying. This is made me much stronger and me of all people needed it. Dad, also I said goodbye to my companion (Ben R.) and I feel guilty because it was selfish.
Marion Campbell – I was so happy to know that I could die at ease, although I was at death’s door on the train in Barstow when I lost a lot of blood. I was satisfied to know that I could die with all of my comrades without a struggle. Dad, I do love you very much.
Christa (Smith) Marshall – I was ready to die and it was a good thought because now we won’t have to see our dad go through so much pain and make him think that he is a failure because few people did not know what the PNC and the PPP were and sisters and brothers have a gun pointed at them.
Magaline Lyles – My suicide thoughts were that I did not do enough. The only guilt which I faced was I could not take any of the capitalists with me.
Essie Mae Townes – About losing my life – I made up my mind that the best years of my life were behind me as I am 74 yrs. old so to leave the miseries of this earth would be great because I can’t do the things I would like to do now. We have so many pressures put on us by all the media outside. I learned more each time we have a session – makes me stronger.
Jewell Wilson – I asked for money for my needs and spent it on things I could have done without. I got wash money and didn’t wash with it. I got bus fare and didn’t use it. I used it on soda, pork skins, food and foolish things. I asked Theo Williams to help me raise money for my discipline while I was on the floor. I also got money from Grover Davis, which I didn’t put in the cause. I am also guilty for almost destroying David Gailley’s [Gallie] life. I had sex with him and told him I was pregnant by him and I also carried on the same shit with everyone one of them. I lied on different ones for no reason. I pulled the same shit on every one of them and said you said if anyone got pregnant they should come to Jonestown to have it. I just kept on lying until he wrote it up to Mother (David G.?) I sure don’t have any excuse for what I have done. I am so sick of my selfish ass.
Karen Harms – 2/13/78 In the states I used to waste a lot of money on dope, alcohol and cigarettes. My mom used to give me money sometimes and instead of turning it in I would spend it on things that only hurt me and capitalist things that were used to keep the poor man in bondage. I used to spend my laundry money on cigarettes, also my bus fare. I would ask for money for shoes and clothes and buy things on sale and spend the rest of the money. Rob would ask for gas money and we’d spend that on dope and alcohol. I feel guilty about all these things and I know that me and my anarchy ways were one of the reasons that you had to come back from here and go to the states last time. Maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish you wouldn’t of had to go back because I was one of the ringleaders of all of us fuck-ups. Even after you went back and your life was in danger, I still drank, smoked and used dope. One time you had to send a message over the radio from here to there about me and Rob and some others on dope.
And it wasn’t long before I was doing it again, but that time I called myself being careful. Even the last night I was in the states I was drinking and right before I got on the bus to come here I went and smoked a joint and all the way across country every rest stop I snuck off and smoked a cigarette. Dad, I knew this was wrong and I did it anyway because I didn’t care. Now I feel guilt because you brought me here in spite of my selfishness and now there are people in the states who weren’t anywhere near as selfish as me who have to wait.
Beverly Livingston – When I was in SF and the Valley, I wasted money. I’d spend $3 to $4 per week on food. I bought a pair of shoes for $10 once and rationalized I was saving needs money which was shit. I also used to take money to support my pill habit. I feel like an ass saying I’m sorry so I’ll just work harder. Thank you Dad for being so tolerant of us.
Selika Bordenave – I took two twenty dollars, one was given to me. The other I worked for. No excuse, I beg for mercy.
Fanny Ford – I turned all my paychecks in but my friend gave me money which I spent some of. Please forgive me.
Rebecca Beikman – I have always felt guilty about the pain I caused you and the Ijames family for basically selfish reasons. I did not care about the pain I caused to others and you. I’ll never forget the day of Chuck’s and my divorce when you took your time to come to the trial. If I had not wanted attention at any cost that would never had been necessary.
Also I stole clothes and other things I could have done without. I have always taken too much of yours and Mother’s time. When you were in Brazil I didn’t send money.
GUILT OVER WHAT WAS DONE IN THE STATES
Marthea [Hicks] – I know my guilt will be with me all the days of my life because when I think of the money that I spent I know it would have helped the cause more than it helped me. About 30 days after you left SF, I began to backslide into the smoking of cigarettes and grass. At first it started by me getting a joint or two from Richard Clark. He was giving me a ride to services and taking me home, so I started smoking with him. After he got on my nerves so bad I wanted to vomit every time I saw him. I had to figure out how I could get him away which was no problem as nasty as I am, but I wondered how I could get the smoke without my money varying because I had about $486 a month. (200 of this was from Anthony’s father.) I called and told him I wanted to make a cash settlement since Anthony was leaving. He sent it to me, and I spent 50 of it on smoke and cocaine. Then I got afraid because I had to go to someone’s house on Ellis to get it. So I thought I should get away from home to do this so I went to LA, which cost another 50 paid for by Parham. He took me to the airport. I spent time indoors with my brothers smoking and blowing cocaine.
I felt Diane [Wilkinson] was fucking me around because we would practice for long periods of time and when I would sing she would forget the song. But before this one day she came over to my house and asked me to smoke some grass, so I gave her some and we smoked together and she drank Colt 45. I didn’t drink. I don’t really like drinking but I loved to smoke weed. I used to smoke it all day every day for about 10 years. We danced with our bodies together and I got excited and I just decided I would see how far she wanted to go. I wanted to see if Diane was a lover and I wondered many times of her ability to make love. She started kissing me on my neck and arms and chest and then between my legs.
After this Diane and I got into it and we went to counsel and Mother asked her why she could not get along with me and she said that she had had sex and smoked weed with me and had lost all respect for me. I felt like shit, because one thing I have never been exposed for any of my out-of-the-way sex acts. I have always hid the fact of who I had sex with, man or woman. Diane and I spent money. I bought weed and she bought the drinks that she liked. Then I wrote Anthony’s x for some more money and spent some of it. He came to SF and give me 100 in Jan for a trip. I was supposed to meet him in NY and pick up about $1000 but there was a mix up on my part. I thought I was arriving in NY at 3 PM but I was leaving so I missed him in NY. I thought I could make up for spending money the way I did.
I should give up what I like the most until you tell me and that’s singing. I love to sing. One thing that will hurt me is not to be creative. And I asked to work afternoons with the Teaching Crew so that I could learn the radio business. I feel this should be denied because I really wanted to do it. I love you for helping us all be honest with ourselves.
(Also from Marthea – I would like to know why Anita Ijames never speaks to me since I joined the Temple Oct ‘76 she has never spoken to me unless I speak to her first. I want to know what she has in her heart for me.)
Gabriel Thomas – This is my guilt of what I did with my money and time when I was in the states. I bought some food and soda pop and a few clothes. I bought TV and radios and fixed them and sold them and turned the money into PT.
PERSONAL NOTES TO JJ
Ellie Beam – 2/11/78 – I always tried to get out of work and always ran around spending money that was not mine. It was money that I had stolen from the church and I fucked up in school and messed up acting an ass, and the school knew I was from PT. I took special privileges from anyone I could just because I thought I was better because I was Jack’s daughter. I stole pills from Rheavina [Rheavianna] and most of the time stayed high and didn’t worry about anyone but myself. I always faked sick to keep from doing work or passing out papers. I never passed papers because I thought I was better than everyone else. I had associations with males outside the church and got money from them and didn’t turn it in, but spent it on myself. I always got smart with people and always said snide comments afterwards.
Re: Volunteering for Procurement or work in Georgetown
Since situation and subsequent thoughts of Wanda Swinney confrontation on floor tonight, I’ve done some thinking about what you said about having a great need for workers but no one trustworthy. I sure would be willing to go and I would not let you down!! My mind is not on my “over the hill ass” and am not caught up with sex with even my companion. In fact, sex with him is a complete frustration and is not even worth the rare effort. Neither is he important in my life at all except as a good working partner for Socialism and I don’t need him to work hard either. I would have no objection whatsoever to pull away and help you in town or down river. Anyone can do my job in the school. I’m sure not indispensable and I would like the opportunity to prove my trust to you.
Volunteers for work
I would like to volunteer to study up on chickens and work with Sam and Tommy.
Maria Ruggiero – I heard my name called by you today saying I didn’t feel I should go water in the garden yesterday. I believe Tish wrote me up because we were in the office when I said to her, “I’m not going because I watered all morning.” And besides that I was doing my work. She didn’t go herself and justified it by her work. She felt guilty about not going, so went and asked Charlie if people on regular jobs should go. He told her no, so I don’t see why she wrote me up. I also believe she told you I did my laundry on working hours last week. This is true dad. My work Tish gave me was not enough to keep me busy and I asked her to either give me more work or I’d prefer to work in the field full time. She said she’d have more later. So I did my laundry after lunch and returned to work one hour late. I’m sorry for not being more responsible. I don’t really like working with Tish as you know, but I will put up with her because the work needs to be done. I feel guilty about working ½ day in the garden and ½ day in agricultural office. Tish has always appeared to me as an elitist and I see it in me too!
Barbara Davis & Margaret James – We are sorry but we didn’t hear what you said today about going on the learning crew. Will you please repeat it so we can understand.
PERSONAL NOTES TO JJ • Page 2
Adeleine Strider – The wooden jewelry that I suggested and Patty wants to sell we’ll have to wait because Ron Sines is too busy at this time to get into it.
Eva Pugh – The kitchen did not fix the beans. It was Irene and Mary Rodgers’ idea. We did not want praise for the kitchen when they did it, and most certainly no hard feelings from the vegetable stand so wanted to let you know who the praise was due to.
Cindy Cordell Newell – Bessie Johnson has been treating Maisha, her dau [daughter], pretty shitty. She only picks her up only when it’s convenient for her and when she does get her she only keeps her for a while and then gives her to someone, lately to Estelle Railback. Maisha is coming out of her old hole but Irra Johnson agrees she closes up when she goes with Bessie a little.
I’ve been taking care of Maisha all the time just like a mom. I’d like to be her responsible mom. She’s been passed around so much when she was in the states and as I see it and a few others, she’s got something now. Can’t she please hold onto it alone, if at all possible.
Re: Jim Simpson and Dorothy Simpson
DOROTHY SIMPSON JEALOUS OF SHIRLEY SMITH BECAUSE OF JIM SIMPSON
Dorothy thinks that her husband shows too much attention to Shirley Smith. Today she said as she passed by me, “How are the lovebirds?” talking about Jim and Shirley.
Dorothy says the reason why the crew is not working so well is that Jim pays too much attention to Shirley. I can tell she really feels this – she hollers and snaps at us and gets angry when she used to not do this. This has been going on for about 3 weeks.
My own faults: I am very revengeful. I call Aileen “mouth.” She is very pushy and everything has to be her way. Also if I get mad at one person I take it out on everybody. I’m too moody, and somewhat slow and lazy. Some of it is due to a bone defect I have but some of it is just laziness.
Shirley Fields – I enjoyed so listening to Lynetta. She talked like a book. I felt her dedication and warmth as love when she talked of you. I would like to write down the stories of the so-called “old-timers” of those who cannot write so we can get them down and not lose forever the honor of Lynetta. I had wanted to do this for her and maybe now I can do it for others.
A. [Alleane] Tucker – May I write my daughter to ask her to send postage so I can write at least twice a month?
Penny [Kerns] – I have arranged for counseling for my sick paranoia. I have talked to James Simpson about helping in the garden when I am free. I gave Sue your beautiful message. I am setting up a program for her and including Barbara’s exercise class for her muscle tone. I thought that Sue and I could start out by landscaping Dorm #1’s yard. She has started her diet.
CAN I MOVE TOM PARTAK AND JAIR [BAKER] OUT TO THE MAIN AREA OF THE DORM?
PERSONAL NOTES TO JJ • Page 3
(from Penny – continued:) – Sebastian is there and it’s well secured. We need their beds and they will feel more “off” the crew this way.
Santiago Rosa was loving the chickens before they died today. I thought you’d want to know.
Besides thinking it would be rotten to take Al’s gun, I thought also to take it because he was so careless with it and that would serve him right.
From Tom Grubbs
I have been told by our people who opened the crates for inspection and reclosed them that they could not close them tightly and that they would leak water when it rains. Would it be probable that the damage due to rain water leakage would be greater than the cost of customs fees?
Ruby Carroll – I spanked Dartanyan who refused to have anything to do with me and he cries every time that he sees me so I try to spend time with him and he was very bad on Thurs. night.
Feels she shouldn’t have left her dau in the states
I am writing to you because I am troubled. When I came to Guyana in my eagerness to see I didn’t give much thought to my older daughter’s plight. My dau is addicted to pills. Leaving her in the commune alone, assuming she would stay there, until her time to come here was a mistake. She went back to LA and is in the same mess. I should not have left until she could have come with me. I feel guilty. I know something dreadful could happen to her. When she was pregnant with Monique a man threw a firebomb at her that burned her leg. I wonder sometimes how I could have left her, what kind of a mother am I? I am a self-centered female – a stupid bitch.
The phrase “stop the world and let me off” could have been my theme song. I have come to a decision about the remainder of this life, and I hope I never have to come back again. I shall try to blot out yesterday, there are no tomorrows. I shall live each day as it comes, socialistically as I can. I have never wanted to go back to the US. It’s a case of “wherever thou goest.”
Lena Benton – No one can save my life but you. Can I please work in the field a half a day. I can do it and I can get along with everybody. I love you dad. Please spare my life. I will get off my ass and go to work. I love everybody in this movement. I know no one else cares for me but you. I thank you. Please allow me one more chance.
Edward Moore: I told Sister Edwards I had to go back to school at 1:30. They sent me to Barbara’s class. I want to keep going to school. I need more education. I am going to work at 7:00 to get in my time.
Vernetta Christian – Yesterday I gave Penny typed reports that I told her I would type. (This is not for the floor.) This morning at 2 AM I gave Sebastian a folder with the reports in them. He said he would give it to Penny. During the day I asked Penny if she had looked at the report. She said she didn’t have the typed copies, just the handwritten notes. Tonight I asked Penny did she find out what happened to it and she said they’ve prepared another.
(From Vernetta – continued)
I don’t understand what she’s trying to do, but I don’t like having to put time into helping her when she’s not going to use the reports. Penny is difficult to talk to. She acts like she has a dual personality. One minute she’s nice and the next she’s rude as hell. She’s like dealing with 2 different people. I don’t see how anyone gets along with her.
Todd Jones – The reason why I couldn’t go to water is because I have a boil in my fingernail. The nurse said I couldn’t pick up heavy buckets. (Can’t read) – help pick up plates and work in the bakery for a month.
Rose Ruggerio 2/10/78
One of our little sisters, Lisa Johnson, has become very attached to me. She wants attention and I give it to her. She came to my dorm, Dorm 4 at 6:30 after work just to see me, but the 2nd time she came I wasn’t home yet. She came in at the back door where my bed was and told me that she was told not to come in this dorm to see me and that she should hang around her own class, as Selika Bordenave said to Lisa. Lisa felt very bad. I notice how Lisa won’t come in and waits on the porch. I feel Selika has hurt her and is scaring her away from me so that she won’t come around me. Tonight going to Political enlightenment Lisa came running over. Selika said “hey you, don’t hang around her. You should be hanging around your own class. Go play with the type your age. She doesn’t want you hanging around her.” Lisa was upset, and I told her to go play cause I didn’t want her to hear Selika’s bullshit.
I then started to tell Selika that she had no right to tell Lisa that. Selika kept saying that I shouldn’t hang around Lisa, and that I spend too much time with her which to me is all bullshit. Selika also said to Lisa to go see her mother. Selika said to me, “You’re not her mother!!” I told Selika that some children don’t get enough attention from their parents. Selika said again, “Well, you’re not her mother, so let her go see her own mother.” Selika kept on and on. Lisa is now scared to come to our dorm. I wish someone would talk to Selika before she goes back to Lisa. Also, while she was talking John John went by, and she brought him into it by saying to me, “Look, see John, he hangs around his class.”
Today Lisa tells me that Selika went to her mother and told her that Lisa hangs around all white people. Lisa said this wasn’t true, and was hostile over this. I think Selika is trying to get Lisa away from me cause I am light skinned.
GUILT ABOUT THINGS DONE BACK IN THE US
1. EDITH DELANEY – Before coming into this socialist life, I knew nothing about socialism. I worked and made money, but spent it for things that I wanted, not what I really needed. I was always told that if you would put your money in the church you would get your blessings but I would put in a little because I never could see how I could put a lot of money in church for a preacher to take and buy himself fine clothing, high-priced shoes, a new car, etc. I loved all of these things too and I wasn’t looking for a preacher either. I always hated them. I loved nice clothes and all the comforts of living. I was never a whiskey head, but I always kept a little “good liquor” on hand. I kept my hair looking good as I always went to the beauty parlor. I was never a big eater either, but I always ate good. Such as stead [steak] of all kinds, oysters and all the good things that go along with them, and I kept ice cream in my refrigerator. So now those days have gone, forever, and I am glad. I could not live like that again even if I were given the opportunity. I enjoyed myself for a little while anyway. Or at least I thought I did. I thank you Dad from coming into my life in “Person,” because you have always been in my life. Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of socialism, and capitalism. Since I have been living the communal life, I have had no money to throw away. PS I forgot to mention the money that was foolishly spent on “fortune tellers.” Forever looking for something, yet I don’t believe I really knew what I was looking for. I only know that fortune tellers sure didn’t do a damn thing for me. I am really sorry about such foolishness. Had I only known then what I know now, such nonsense would never have happened. I hope you will forgive me Dad.
2. RON TALLEY – Before I left the States I would drink beer about 2 times a week and also I was smoking cigarettes right up to the time I landed in Georgetown. Since I departed from the plane I haven’t touched anything although it could have been gotten in Georgetown. I have a clean record here and it is valuable for me to have a clean slate because no matter what was going on in the States I could never be involved as I wanted to because my old record was always there. I do feel guilty about taking time and money to indulge myself. Other people that did this kind of thing at least did not leave the group for a time as I did. I do feel that at that time I was going downhill and that if I would have stayed around it was a potential threat to the group security so I chose to leave. We have a much better chance
Personal Notes • Page 2
to get this group organized here and I will never leave again no matter what happens. I’m going to make the most of this second chance you have given me. Thank you for giving me so much consideration by letting me be a part of the group. I won’t let you down again.
PERSONAL NOTES REGARDING TRAITORS:
1. HELOISE HALL – I am writing to you to admit that I have a fear of death and in no way had I made any plans for self-destruction. I am not a coward, and if I had to fight until I die, this is different, making plans to die no. So far such things to me are meaningless. I’m sure I must need helpful thinking in this area.
Dad, I’m also wondering why the Oliver boys don’t meet with their parents and show them what a beautiful place we have here and if left alone how it will grow and be a prosperous productive city some day. Let them know your real ideas for not only blacks but all people of all races who wish to be free. If they return now, rejected by their children, they will not feel it is their kids, they’ll blame you like all these denials. It should be considered that those people, the Olivers, have been taken in by whites like most black people and they have been misled. Also we have to consider all the news stories and people like the Williams woman who has returned saying that this is like a prison. If they are not allowed to talk with her kids and help disprove some of the lies, I believe there will be a very bad confrontation. I sincerely wish the Oliver children would change their mind. Some of the things you are going through for all of these people is just too much. No one should get hurt over this. Of course, my opinion may not be the best, however, it may save a great deal of sorrow. Fighting for our land is one thing, being stubborn is another. Some day we will show the world your dream. Let’s make it work. Your dream is here and must come first in our hearts and minds. If I’m wrong, please help my thinking, Dad. Thank you Dad.
Re: Tim Stoen
2. DOROTHY BREWER – He is very independent. He should not want little John because he isn’t his. He is capable of getting a job. He should not need or want anything from this organization. Since he did not request a large amount of money, there has to be a second step in his blackmail plan. The sooner he is told he will not be getting any money we will find out specific reasons and why he is taking these actions. Then it can be decided what to do about him.
Jim, I feel very insecure in this teaching position. I’ve not had a bad attitude, I just don’t know what I am doing.
Personal Notes • Page 2
3. NANCY SINES – Concerning Tim Stoen, I cannot think of anything inventive to add to what the collective said tonight. I agree with the fact that he needs to be “pissed on” and I thought Marie Lawrence’s plan was a brilliant one that could maybe be worked up to fit all the traitors back there. I don’t believe they will stop their dirty shit till their mouths are silenced permanently. As for myself, I am more than willing to do anything you ask me to do and if it ended in my own death, I would consider it an honor to die doing something worthwhile for the only people that ever gave a damn for me. Or if it ended up in my imprisonment, I would not be silenced from speaking against the fascist system if it took every ounce of my energy.
4. JANE OWENS – I am ready to kill Tim Stoen. Killing is too good for him. He should be tortured. I am sick and tired of Tim Stoen. I used to put a lot of trust in him. I thought he was one of the Best. Please don’t pay him anything. The better you are to some people the more you get shit on.
5. BRUCE TURNER – I think that we could kill him and this will to because both of them was involved in the life of our brother. I think this was done, that this would stop the others from fucking with us and I could carry out any type of plan to do it with great pleasure to it at any risk.
6. LORE B. PARRIS – Dad just tell me and I will do anything. Please. Learn me how to do and I will do it to Tim Stoen. I am willing to do anything for this family.
I once had a great work, I don’t know what happened. I have forgot a lot. I was a chosen child when I was built into my mother’s womb. I can’t love like you. What Tim Stoen has put you through. If I had just a little bit of your power he would not live to see day. He has put you through so much worry and this cause I couldn’t be as loving as you are. Please don’t think hard of me for saying this I want to learn how to do my work just for this cause. I’m going to go to school and learn how to read more. I can read a little bit but I need to know how to read more and more. I will do all I can in meditating for what Tim Stoen is putting us through and please teach me how to meditate.
7. SHARON COBB – I am willing to participate in any plan at any time.
Personal Notes • Page 3
(Sharon Cobb) I would like to see Tim Stoen dead. Perhaps a death could be planned around a sexual reason. Or, I would like to volunteer to go back and actively participate in his murder. He probably wouldn’t suspect a quiet passive person like myself. I can act like a traitor and plan a time when we could be alone or with others in a car with a bomb. If a single dead person was a murderess the church would not be accused. As I’ve said before I have no children so my death would not be painful to little ones. I think if the other traitors knew he was dead they might be quieted down until our people can get here. I would like to see Chris’s death paid back. If harm came to our people I would like to return to pay the many debts.
8. JAMES TURNER – I suggest that we don’t even deal with a fucker like him. Because with his knowledge of your teachings and loyalty to your people, and being the fact that you have saved his ass and his knowing of your power, that he wouldn’t fuck with us, but saying that he has already made an attempt, which he is just like a disease to us. And the only way to get rid of a disease is to kill that disease. My strategy is to send some of us in during the Christmas holidays and pay him a visit as “Saint Nick”. A stocking to go around his neck!!! And those people then can go into hiding, until they get word from you. And Dad I wish to be one of those people, if I am chosen.
9. LAURA JOHNSTON – I think Tim and Grace are trying to build their personal images. As much as they can be tied into the murder the better at humbling them. I think that the 3 who shot Chris down were so-called derelicts who were easily bought off by the system – just tools to do the labor. As many details about them as we can gather would help us and we should communicate it to Charles Garry, Dick Hodges and our different close and distant contacts in California and USA. All the traitors are trying to show that they’re pure, that their shit doesn’t stink. As much as we can tie them in with any of their duty [dirty] work – the better. Although I’d personally like to cut each of their throats. I know that we’d be the first ones arrested, etc. so I can’t see that as a realistic choice at this time.
Before coming to Peoples Temple, I want to 3 psychiatrists in different parts of the US. I flunked/dropped out of college after 3 years. I saw a lot of hypocrisy, much boring stuff, etc. so I dropped out of school and went into full-time “social work”, I got into using LSD, cocaine, and living a destructive life. My first psychiatrist trying to convince me that I was reacting because I
Personal Notes • Page 4
wasn’t in school, that I needed to continue my education like a good white middle-class girl. After I was heavily into drugs, I also had VD and I was suicidal. I had repressed a lot of fear, anxiety, frustration for months. Finally I went to a psychiatrist. He asked me what was the matter and I burst into hysterical crying and couldn’t get a hold of myself. He slammed his desk and told me to “get out, and don’t come back until you can get yourself together.” In San Francisco, I went to a famous psychiatrist who preach that women should be feminine, dress up their holes – ears, lips, eyes, and figure. He said men could tell how clean women’s vaginas are by the care given to making the outside holes appealing. He said women should always drive small cars, as a sign to men that they have small vaginas. All a woman’s identity was tied into that. Talking to him was like learning high level compensation.
10. LIANE AMOS – It is hard to make a definite decision so I’ll make proposals. I feel we should not pay him any blackmail money! It obviously would be considered a sign of weakness and omission [admission] of guilt. Possible solutions: a) Bring it out in the open. Tell the people over the world on the radio about it (e.g. that a missionary agricultural mission helping babies is being blackmailed and/or drained of money by Tim Stoen who doesn’t want his career demolished by everyone having the knowledge that he is a transvestite and that he is only doing it out of jealousy because his wife had a baby by another man, at his own request and the only way he can hurt us is starve us out. Get on the emotional side – look at what this man, Stoen, is doing to hungry babies of South America (not ours, the Guyanese that we are helping) since we can’t work without funds. Backup might be Xerox copies of his “confessions[“] of what he did wrong (that we wrote several years ago for our protection) given to not only the papers in the USA but also to international newspapers. Since we don’t want repercussions on our loved ones back home we would work on getting them out as fast as possible and also adding a note on the radio and letters to newspapers that if anything happens to our people we will know that it is because of this. More Quiet Solutions: Don’t give answer to his request. Let him sit and sweat – tape his next blackmail charge or Xerox his letters. Have private detective to legalize (one of us preferably) to take a picture of him dressed in women’s clothes as soon as he’s frustrated, then we’ll have two charges against him. b) Sex murder – Have Guyanese adult so that writing can’t be traced, write a note on America paper borrowed from a lawyer’s or
Personal Notes • Page 5
or doctor’s office – a non member, that says “This will happen to anyone else who dresses in my wife’s clothes and doesn’t stay away from my wife” shoot him with the same kind of bullets and gun that police or KKK use – make sure it is equipped with silencer. (Make sure to have rubber gloves on at all times.) Do it on a day he wouldn’t be missed (Saturday?) Have someone drop them off – have someone else be there to pick them up with motor running and change of clothes in car, clothes burned by driver gun thrown off Golden Gate Bridge, take off wig and makeup – jumping to another waiting car which takes them to airport. Get on already planned flight. It won’t be traced to us because of the make of the gun and the newspapers will enjoy writing about a sex scandal – Tim Stoen dressed in women’s clothes and with another man’s woman. (They could not trace it to you dad because you are here.). If it worked out perfect the fascists might still say that we were in it somehow and might try repercussions on the family back home. The homemade movie of ours sent to the States of John Jones Jr. on Dad’s lap – gives him a hug and says, “Why is Tim Stoen trying to blackmail us daddy?[“] This could be one small excerpt of the movie and show all our good aspects of Jonestown. I like the idea of him coming over here, instead of us going to him. Give him a personal invitation. Then keep him under guard, tape recorder and movie (without him knowing it and also realizing that he might have a tape recorder also and then give him a nonreturnable journey to the jungle. Scratch that! He would be missed in the States and it would be taken out on Mom and the family in the States.
GUILT FROM STATES
Phyllis Bloom – Time wasted in the States: trying to be Mrs. Chaikin, trying to build a good image, trying to get people to like me, trying to look intelligent and competent, trying to excel in a specialized (too specialized) field, trying to have my folks approve of me and Gail and David, to be close with Gail and David, to be part of Peoples Temple in Jonestown it’s easier to accept the fact that I am an asshole and concentrate on getting the job done.
Elsie Bell – I feel guilty about B. Bell and what I did do to cause her to have so many problems in her life. She was never close to me. Maybe I was too hard on her, maybe I pushed too hard for what I thought was right. My first set of children had to be shifted from place to place because I could not afford to take care of three. I feel guilty about the way my son was destroyed. I feel guilty about my children. I did not feel guilty about taking food from my rich boss to feed my baby. I quit when a Black man who was the chief cook said he was going to tell the boss. I am grateful to be out of the US. It means pain to me. I now have something to live and die for.
Magaline Lyles – I am writing to you about the money I spent in the States. I went to the movies and I bought perfumes and jewelry. I feel so bad about this, I know it were wrong for me to do this. Women and children and men in Africa dying don’t even have a chance.
Michael Simon – I didn’t pay my commitment when I should. I also got it cleared to go to LA two weeks for dental when I was really escaping security responsibility because I thought it was too hard. I went to parks and bowling. I also spent money on food, candy, cakes, radio, and gas for places I didn’t have to go. In my free time I would like to go back to studying anesthesia (I am waiting for my books to come from SF) I do not feel enough Black males assert themselves in the medical department.
Stephan Addison – In the states: On almost all of the numerous times I went and sold coins I spent one or two dollars on coffee and cookies and donuts. Here: I have gotten coffee and sandwiches at night while doing a little work in the nurses office, and I never needed drink or food. Once while watching a movie in the pavilion I sat in your chair I didn’t move until I realized you had hastily moved to another place.
Pat Grunnett – I still labor under the guilt of how I have developed with youngsters in destructive ways – how I have used sarcasm to belittle youngsters and how I lost control with Nawab and beat him in Redwood Valley. It wasn’t until I met you, by the way, that I felt the freedom to feel hostile towards my parents. It was very therapeutic. The messages I got all my life were that my birth defect resulted in the eroding of my parents “good life”. For example: “It” caused my dad’s alcoholism (he started to drink when I was born) which led to my mom’s beatings; they were unable to own a home because I cost them $10,000. They never had a new car either as result of this expenditure (In reality he drank and gambled his paycheck). I felt guilty when I even felt angry toward them or my situation – in Old European families such thoughts even are not allowed. When someone finally convinced me to go to college, I felt so guilty when I found such freedom that I sent them money while supporting myself through school. While in college my dad had a stroke which again was a result of my putting pressure on them – and I ended up supporting myself, plus my parents and sister through college. It wasn’t until meeting you that I realized how my parents had fucked up my head. You once told me it was as if I were genetically different from my parents. Those words verified the feelings I always had
GUILT FROM STATES
Pat Grunnett (cont.) of never feeling a part of them.
Najuandriane Darnes – Before I went communal I goofed up money that could have helped someone to safety. After I went communal I kept one steady job in most of the time two part-time jobs which I didn’t cash the checks. One job I felt was not enough. I even felt guilty with the other jobs. I felt if I hadn’t been such a short tempered bitch I would have been able to work longer. So I do feel guilty that I couldn’t be trusted enough there and it’s true – I would have fucked up more. I am very guilty in more ways than one. I was heading back to jail for good this time. I could have done more.
Laurece Jackson – When I was in the states I bought liquor, cigarettes, a lot of soda, clothes, candy, junk and also played the horses. Since I’ve been here and on the line three times I know that every penny I get should have been for us to help our people out of the hell back in the states. I will work harder in the future and make up [for] my mistakes.
Ruby Carroll – I do wish there was a way to end it all, for some of us it would be the best way – we have done nothing but hurt you for years, and you would not have asses like me to worry you and put extra weight on you. All the money I threw away would come to about $3000 or more on junk and a car I didn’t need. Some of the money was to buy clothing for myself and when I knew I was coming I tried to get all the things I thought I’d need for a long time. And I do not feel too well about this.
Rennie Kice – While I was back in the states I wasted money on beer, food, and clothes I didn’t need. I took the money from the patients in the care home in the Valley. I also talk Richmond Stahl into giving me free sodas from our machine in the laundrymat. I used money from Bob’s check and we went to Lake Tahoe before we came here. I rationalized my doing so, saying that Bob needed an outlet when it was me who wanted to do my own thing. I was hostile a lot of the time and when I could have been helpful instead. I would always justify things like eating, drinking and clothes by saying that the third floor and staff used PR to do their thing, so mine wasn’t any different. I am sorry that I wasted money and time when I see daily here what it is taking to keep Jonestown growing. I resented Daisy Stroud getting to come here before others who have been here longer. I spent unnecessary gas money trying to follow Bob when I thought he was playing around, due to my jealousy. I see where my jealousy has been a stumbling block to him, not allowing him to feel free to talk to whomever he chose. While I was in the States I thought I was being held back because of Bob and I was hostile because of the people who messed up in the states got to come over before me. I thought I was not trusted and acted out. (I resented Alice because she always seemed to have a secret about what was going on here and would not tell me.) I do see you as a prisoner here, and feel responsible because of my assiness in the States. When I was in the states I didn’t help in the services like I should have and would stay downstairs and just look busy when I was actually doing nothing. When I was on the plane coming here I had two drinks and justified doing so by saying that I’ll never get the chance again, so I might as well do it now.
Rennie Kice (cont.) – I will not allow myself anymore to get in this frame of mind. Thank you dad for your love and concern and for allowing me to be a part of this revolution and allowing me to be here. I also allowed Diane to come over and drink with me and Bob what was wrong.
Penny Silver – (Note: This is very long. She lists 42 points.)
1. Never paid 25% for years and years.
2. Went to service but never pitched in to help with the dirty work.
3. Always tried to look important.
4. In LA started going with an asshole of an outsider and flirted with outsiders.
5. Kept myself alienated from the people.
6. Took pictures of my children when I was at my mom’s house during the Fresno Four march.
7. Made numerous phony suicide attempts for attention. Allowed myself to go into depressions which took the time of hard workers.
8. Took my needs money & misused it. Sometimes I bought Chinese food. Also I bought unnecessary books and magazines with my book & magazine money.
9. Took my needs money twice and ran away to my mom. The first time I ran because I was upset at a PC confrontation, and because I thought Andy wasn’t supposed to be with me anymore. And when you called me, Dad, I even said I didn’t know when I was planning on coming back. I will always remember how hurt you sounded. I also called Jeanette. After the confrontation over the reporter I ran again. I missed Andy and I didn’t want to stay continually in the church. I haven’t faced why I ran, I must’ve wanted to do my own thing. I had a plan in my mind to meet my mom, go with her to Riverside, live with her, get a job, and do what I could to get information on the traitors. I didn’t believe I would ever get to come here and I didn’t believe I was wanted. I even planned to make contact with the traitors and find out their plans so I could tell you.
10. Before I came here I went to a pay phone and called the Mertles. I had been very depressed. Her mom answered and said no one was home. I had been thinking about my children a lot, and not believing different things you would say. Anyway I called the Mertles residence but I had no plan. I remember I still have this thing about wanting to run and I had no place to go. I was going to see if they could help me. As soon as I hung up I became horrified with myself. I went home and immediately wrote myself up and turned it into Sharon Amos who gave it to mother. I felt like a serpent. I don’t want to be a traitor. I think this is the worst thing I’ve done. I remember that I thought I could go to the Mertles and stay a few days until I could get a job. I remember that I felt so stranded. I also thought of duping some organization into helping me until I could get a job. I really didn’t believe a lot of the things you told us. I thought you told us a lot of things for strategy purposes and I couldn’t really believe that all those people thought all those horrible things. I didn’t believe you about Ruth Kerns either, but when I saw her, she was so evil I felt I was in a lost world. A lot of times I question you, Dad.
THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT
1. About neglecting my children after I was divorced.
2. Hurting Rollin and taking the children away from him.
3. Not writing to my mom.
4. Bringing men home that I picked up.
5. Jeanette walking in when I was in bed with a guy.
6. Sending Philip to CYA [California Youth Authority].
7. Putting a little puppy out of a car and then accidentally running over it.
GUILT FROM STATES (cont.)
Penny Silver (cont.) –
8. Killing my brother’s rabbit when I was little by playing with it too much.
9. Looking at a little boy penis when I was 10 to see what it looked like.
10. Working as a narc for the police.
11. Not paying my share into the cause.
12. Thinking about my mom and children.
13. Not working hard enough.
14. Running away two times.
15. Not believing my dad, not having enough faith & trust.
16. Manipulating and misusing my needs money.
17. Wanting Andy to take special time for me.
18. Having a dog put to sleep in Sacramento.
19. Not writing Andy more, not writing my comrades in the states, not writing Archie.
20. Eating out, drinking sodas etc.
21. For not helping relieve the load of others.
22. Because I was kinder to my brother, who suffered a lot.
23. Because Bob Holmes left the church and I feel responsible. I wish he were here.
24. Because you took so much time to save me, dad, when I am devious & ungrateful.
25. Because I was such a selfish person & poor mother.
26. Because I was so rough on people.
27. Because I was jealous of Johnny Jones & Ava for being so close to you. Plus others.
28. Because I wonder what your penis looks like.
29. Because of the little boys & men that molested me when I was little.
30. Because my mom would beat me if she thought I’d been masturbating.
31. Because I didn’t help others before you found me.
32. Because I left my stepchildren when I was sick.
33. Because I remarried twice.
34. Because I was so mean to Jack Barron after our relationship ended.
35. Because I harbor grudges.
36. Because I guard my ass and don’t want to confront people more for fear of being wrong.
37. Because I don’t always tell you everything I do.
38. Because I don’t tell you everything. If I don’t report something I feel like a traitor.
39. Because I’m short with people and at times hurt their feelings.
40. Because I can’t stand some people and stay away from them.
41. Because I didn’t take money for fucking to help feed my children.
42. Because I failed at everything I did in my life. I have never succeeded.
43. Because I’ve been to school when Black people haven’t. Because I ate when others were hungry & was warm when others were cold. I hate myself so.
1. Helen Love – I want to say thank you for being alive. That is not enough. I refuse to live under another leader. I still can’t get myself together, but I know I will, for I was still nervous when the test came last night, I could not remember anything, so I failed you miserably, I heard all that was said in the agriculture meeting for I was awake but I just can’t hold things in my head. I trust you Father to help me for I want to do all you want me to do. You brought me here, when it seems impossible so just that way I trust you to go to school and learn.
2. Estella Railback & daughter, Mae K. Griffith – General thank you. A bonnie natt entered her chest just before her birthday and it itched and burned. It went down and now it doesn’t bother her. She can’t hear good in one ear. She asked for more wisdom and knowledge.
3. Charles Wesley Williams – I am sorry the way I acted toward you and the rest of the People last Tuesday. It was totally unfair and uncalled for to act the way I did. The last couple of months I have been acting very strange and I know why but I want to try to understand it and accept it. I put the blame on my job but I know that is not it. The truth is I miss my mother and Melvin. And also I feel guilty about Chris leaving this beautiful land in Jonestown. So could you forgive me and I won’t let it happen again. I will do what you said.
4. Jerry Livingston – I think I know enough of myself to say that I would not let you take torture or punishment and others go free. I would stand with you no matter what. There is no turning back after what you have taught us. I would want to get it done fast, like blown up with TNT or something. This is the first time I have gone as far as to contemplate revolutionary death. I would take pleasure in blowing up all the conspirators together. Tim Stoen, Grace, Mertles, Neva Sly, Olivers, [Joe] Mazor, and a bunch of Nazi fascists. It would be good to let them think about what they have done and stew a few minutes first though. I feel I’m still a kind of chicken, but I’m not going to run or think of my own hide. I would like to blow up Rockefeller, Ford, DuPont, and Hearst the same way. I’m going to be thinking more on revolutionary suicide and death because it seems inevitable. I think people who go around spouting how they are ready to die and how they have faced it are full of shit and anyone who is really ready doesn’t have to try to convince anyone else, with your exception. I feel that the more confrontations we have like the 3 day crisis and yesterday the closer we are getting to where you are trying to get us.
Personal Notes • Page 2
5. Penny (12-24-77) – I didn’t know I was supposed to write up my fears of death. I am horribly afraid of being put in a grave – Yet, I think of Lynetta laying there and it seems so peaceful. Then, I miss Andy terribly and I don’t believe I’ll ever see him again. Sometimes I think it will help to die with him. I somehow want some assurance that I will see him and you again & this upsets me. Yesterday and before, I thought I would volunteer to be the first to die, to help the others have courage. I would do this and it would somehow help me. I have been very depressed over this whole thing. I hate to just die without a fight, but I don’t want our people captured and tortured either. Upon going to Cuba or someplace without you. The young could have a future. But I don’t think I can live without you, Jim. So I’d might as well die even if I don’t want to and I am scared. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. But I don’t want to live without you. I don’t think I could make it.
[Marginal notes: “1. Move Odell out of piggery 2. Penny does not [illegible word] fairly”]
6. Ron Talley – I am too opinionated and do too much thinking about the inequalities caused by cliques and just general circumstances. It seems that I have an opinion on every single thing that goes on around Jonestown. I am sure that with so many opinions I could not be thinking all of them through to any solid conclusion. I feel it is just a way for me to justify some of my negative feelings. I have always been a surface thinker because I was too lazy to get down to facts and research which would give me more reliable opinions. In the future I will get a hold of my thinking and channel it in positive ways to be constructive rather than just voicing shallow opinions. In patrolling with Jeff Carey I’ve discussed a lot of things that were not very positive. Jeff also does this but I don’t let it go too far. Jeff still has his way of trying to set people up for trouble. He tried to get me to steal a papaya with him so he could turn me in or see if he could get me to start doing things that I know are wrong. If it would help I could do one of these things with him and then see where he would lead me from there. Jeff is going back to the kitchen now which is a better place for him to stay out of trouble. For myself I have negative thoughts and it comes across in my conversation with others. From now on I am going to just keep my big mouth shut and write to you if I don’t feel that I can live with something here.
[Marginal note: “Ron – Write up his criticisms”]
7. Lois Ponts – I am impulsive and bullheaded. Too quick to strike out. Forgive me on that. I confess today again I should have thought before I spoke in teachers meeting. The only ones there were the
Personal Notes • Page 3
Lois Ponts (cont.) – regular teachers. Tyrone Cartmell was discussed as to his hitting a youngster with a stick. I made the remark that I didn’t think the real young as Tyrone should be watching such movies as The Outfit and that I felt children his age couldn’t really discern who was a socialist and who wasn’t as I really didn’t believe they knew that much about the word socialist or that one as small as he in a fit of anger or such has not really arrived at that point of discernment where he is able to know who his comrade is especially in movies such as The Outfit. Actually there was nothing in the movie to relate to socialism in the 1st place and I wonder if children his age aren’t given an insensitivity toward even their comrades if they watch these movies – I don’t know if children his age watched it. I was cheering on the girl in the movie who ran a car into two men but I saw them as 2 people of the system, but as a youngster 6 years old see them the same way as what I am trying to say. I know children should not be coddled or kept from seeing violence toward a known enemy and should not fear death or fear doing in the enemy but in such a movie does a child know who and why the person is the enemy. I confess I should not have opened my mouth but I have already and the die is cast, you might say. I should not think it at all. The remark was by, I think, Becky Beikman, that all the kids were carrying sticks for guns is why Tyrone had a stick in his hand. Anyway I am sorry I did not think and talked out of turn again. It might be a little confusing for children anyway to see such movies if much explanation is not given them as to how this relates to socialism and his comrades.
8. Eva Pugh – First of all I want to say I am sorry for to cause you any grief whatsoever. I have and do come short in many ways, but to put any more on you I would not want to do. Although I fixed food for the little dog every night when I fixed your food, I wished I had come to you, when Cheryl said it would not eat anything but chicken, or didn’t like anything but chicken. I said why didn’t she give it some of the milk gravy which one evening she took and some bread. When we had children the last time I saved ¼ of the chicken for the little dog. Esther did not come to get food for two days so I asked her what she was feeding him and gave her the chicken, but she does not seem to remember it. I would in no way want the little dog to be hungry, I feel very bad about all this. If you say give him chicken every day, I will fix it, Father they have plenty of food in
Personal Notes • Page 4
Lois Ponts (cont.) – the back, but that little thing won’t eat what them other dogs eat. I thank you for a rest and it gave me time to take care of several odd jobs. But I feel awful when I am not working for to help out. I will improve in every way.
– while in the US she spent extra money on Thrift store clothes. She was always buying a blouse, skirt, dress sweater or shoes for from 49¢ to 1.65, that is the reason she bought them, they were so reasonable, and looked nice. When she got tired of them she would give them to the church to sell or gave them to charity. I also bought fruit and food that I could have done without. Once in a great while she would eat a cheap steak downtown or some prawns or a root beer or peanut candy. She didn’t eat all of this at one time. She also spent money on perfumes and nylon stockings and makeup. She is happy to do without these things at the present.
– thanks to you for the experience of working her ass off on Learning. She had never worked so hard in all of her life. She felt good to accomplish something physically and to be tired physically and not mentally.
– She praises Marthea Hicks for working hard with us on the crew. Praises Cheryl McCall.
– Complaints about Penny, Liz’s bra broke and she asked for a safety pin. She didn’t want to become chaffed. She felt that Penny was hostile to nurses in general. She feels that Penny should take less of a responsibility and coordinate with other supervisors. She feels that she takes things upon herself and is cruel.
– Liz says that she is writing this with hopes that others do not have to be treated unfairly because of one person’s ego and personal hostility.
[From] Sarah [Tropp]
Re: GUILT FROM STATES
I. MONEY – I ripped Hastings Library off regularly – about $10.00-$20.00 per month which I spent on movies, books, Pepsi, junk food. When I was going to Berkeley I panhandled occasionally at the bus station. When my relatives sent me birthday money, a couple of times I kept five bucks of it or so.
II. TIME – I wasted more time than I care to think about. After the first year of law school I only went to class irregularly. I went to the library a lot. I think the whole law school thing was a total waste of time, I never even learned enough law to make any difference. It was a total waste.
III. OTHER THINGS – The thing I feel most guilty about is Mike Cartmell. I know that I contributed greatly to his defection because from the time I was in Berkeley on, I shared in a lot of his indulgences, (movies etc.) although I grew bored with him because of his emotional retardation fairly early. He was someone to bullshit with. I feel very strongly that if (and when) it gets our ass into a bind I am responsible. So in a nutshell I have a lot of guilt that I am a prime cause for us to get into all kinds of shit with IRS etc.
Currently I do feel awful about being such an argumentative bitch. Culturally, Jewish families are notoriously argumentative. It’s actually a standard way of communicating. That, plus law school training, and an arrogant attitude that covers up a lot of insecurity (I actually do see myself as the all-around inferior of everyone in the radio room. I mean, I’m objective enough to realize I’m as intelligent, but they are somehow just morally and emotionally better than me. I know this is crap to a certain degree, but I want to give you some idea of how this maniac thinks at times.) make me really obnoxious. I don’t mind your telling me to shut up when I get outrageous and I will work very hard at correcting it. I’m not a very good “formal thinker”. By that I mean I can’t just reason something out for myself and come up with a tidy package of opinion. I usually start out with an idea and working out by hashing it around with someone. But I know that that can be detrimental and I will work on it.
Gloria Rosa: I think the most thing that you worry about is that we are all here alive starting a whole host of trouble. You are the only Dad we have here in Jonestown, Guyana, and you are suffering for us. You are in prison here. Your most pain is that you are supporting our medical bills. You are on our enemies trail day and night. We should all try to help you.
Phyllis Bloom: I see what we are as a group as unusual and unique in that there are so many different patterns of personality – following Dad for various reasons in living and working very close together. At one time I resented it – wanted a bunch of Jan [Jann] Gurviches, Nancy Sines, Mike Klingman’s around. Now, particularly since I’ve been with the med. clinic, I’ve realized the terrific strength in different people working together. However, an extremely strong leader is needed to keep together this kind of group. Mother is the prototype of everything next in a woman in a person but I don’t know if people are ready to follow a woman. Once you alluded to your concern about having a leader to follow you. I was thinking these thoughts at the time.
(Money making idea – raffle a tape recorder in Port Kaituma saying that the proceeds will go to support our medical clinic.)
Pat Patterson: I think Dad suffers more when people who have been with him for long periods of time don’t learn what he is teaching, when they turn away when he tried to bring them to a more Communist thought through very painstaken patient teaching. Through lack of learning there is a lack of dedication which indeed takes time for individual teaching of the person who committed some kind of anarchic act against the people because of this lack of dedication. Result of the lack of learning is wastefulness, destruction. I would say people in general who don’t learn are the main reasons for Dad’s pain.
Maurice Romano: This is what I think you are thinking about. Somebody trying to run away from here and who would be the next traitor. And you have worry about our comrades in the states, and you have to worry about someone running into the jungle and when me and my other comrades act like anarchist and antisocialists.
Shirley Edwards: I think Dad’s worse pain was in putting his trust in one of his children who had followed him for a number of years and then see them go and turn traitor for their own selfish ass. Also going night after night day after day with no rest and sleep, working out strategies for us, giving us the news, keeping us informed of what’s going on with the good and the bad. This is a beautiful place that Dad has prepared for us and some of our members talk about wanting to go back to the states, and they know there is nothing good back there for them.
Magnolia Farris: I am sure that I will not be able to really know your pain. I will not even presume such, but judging from my own experiences as that is the only way I can judge, I think that you would be pained by doing so much for people and receiving nothing except traitorous behavior. You would be or rather you are pained by not being able to give us a world without white nights and by the fact that you do all that you can and so many of us work directly against your teachings, and are not satisfied no matter what you do. We are not caught up in Marxism-Leninism as much as you would like us to be, and when you find some who are totally disinterested, I’m sure that hurts a great deal.
Karen Lendo: With all the traitors leaving you never know who will be next. Plus having the responsibility of a thousand of us.
(Money making idea: hiring out our mechanical services in G-town, maybe open up a little center for French braiding hair, bakery, hair dress shop, snack shop. Maybe Joan [Pursley] and Bobby [Stroud] can sell cookies and candies.[)]
Kay Nelson: The physical pain that you suffer should be apparent to all of us and should be used as an example since your suffering has never prevented you from taking care of all of us. Caring for us better than anyone else ever could or would with a love that is beyond comprehension. However, I believe that your greatest pain is caused by our lack of growth and concern for this cause in spite of your example and teachings. I thank you for your sacrifice of your life for us, for teaching us socialism. I knew very little about Communism before coming here. I pledge each day to do more than I have the day before.
Jim Murrell: When we don’t act like you have taught us and let you down.
Steve Addison: You suffer because I do not try to be a more committed Socialist Marxist-Leninist. You see disappointments everywhere. You see people who have been with you years fail in your teachings and grasp of empathy. Seeing lack of progress and lack of development in individuals makes you suffer. Seeing the lack of female and male liberation which could be so effective in the work. You suffer physically beyond knowing. You are a prisoner here, when you should
[Editor’s note: Next page missing]
DAD’S WORST PAIN
JANET LENIN: That Dad can’t trust his own people. One of his greatest pains is when people like Mike & Debbie, who worked by your side knowing so much, get tired of helping and want to do their own thing and have babies that they don’t really want. Then when they face what they have done, they are too ashamed to come back, and to make themselves feel less guilty, they start telling lies.
ROBERT PAUL: We are Dad’s biggest pain. There are so many ass-holes here and I am one of them. We take his love so lightly. Things are changing, not for the good but for the worst. We all need you, Dad, we can’t lose you.
DARRELL DEVERS: The things that we do that are dumb and stupid… and those that have gone out. The burden of this family causes pain, the problems on all the fronts, US and Guyana, thinking of ways to keep going and how to handle it. We argue and fuss. We fight on the floor and off the floor, even during war crises and strategy meetings. We don’t report gossipers and things that we should. Not working, not thinking of better ways to increase production. The newspaper articles, the people that have gone out, the lies told on you and the family, that your helping oppressed people got us involved in this conspiracy.
AL SIMON: People are not listening to your teachings. The small children in the world that don’t have a chance to be saved like the children here. Having your family on two different continents and knowing that no one else has the sensitivity like you have. I am also to blame because I don’t do everything like I should.
DARLENE RAMEY: Wanting to die but can’t because you are the only leader. Lack of concern of the people, wasting of food, worrying where the next traitor is going to come from, being stuck in the radio room and can’t do manual labor, teaching women to be liberated but they still want to serve men, the constant reading of the news and straining your voice.
WANDA SONDER [Souder]: Getting his people free from US; trying to teach us to use our minds instead of working against each other; our gossiping, stealing, arguing because it will tear us apart. If we would stop this you would have more time for strategy to help free the people and have more time to concentrate on the enemy. What a revolutionary means at this point: To help free all oppressed people and to be willing to give my life to what is right no matter what, not giving a damn what it takes.
MABEL JONES: The people that you love who go out and hurt this cause.
MICHAEL HEATH: That you never get any rest and always on the look out for enemies. People don’t want to learn and when we plan revolu-
MICHAEL HEATH CONTINUED: tionary suicide not everyone wants to die, they just vote to look good in front of their comrades.
A way to make money: Sell clothes that we make here in Jonestown. Also sell expensive wood that comes out of the bush.
ROCKY TURNER: We don’t understand you; how you feel when people turn on you; Few are willing to become like you;
KEITH WADE: Trying to keep up with all the traitors, being on the radio night and day, seeing the same people on the floor over and over again. It seems like the people here are killing you. I’m guilty for buying shoes and clothes that I didn’t need.
JANICE WARREN: When people get on the floor and lie making things last longer. When people don’t write up the guilt like you ask, when sisters won’t speak up, when people bother you instead of going to counselors. I think the white nights release some of your pain because it gives you the privilege of dying even if you don’t die. It makes you stronger. Also you have to think about the people in the states when we are thinking about dying. It hurt you when people don’t tell their gratitudes. Too much writing pains you.
Money Making: French braiding hair in Georgetown.
TAMMIE JONES (likely Delihaussaye): Gossip, negative people coming up to the radio room with bullshit, our being passive and signing petitions when we shouldn’t, we don’t care enough about your diet and your blood sugar. You can’t even be with Mother, while some of us self-centered people want relationships. You never get a break. I am guilty for some of these things. My age is 11.
RUSSELL MOTON: Pain caused by heart, bladder, prostititus (reoccurring), as well as arthritis. Deep depressions and intense headaches. [Marginal note: “Note”]
SHIRLEY PACE (likely Baisey): Wasting food, complaining about it, anarchism, when we don’t admit our guilt when we wasted money and helped murder people with our taxes. When he trusted people and they sold out, when [we] fight amongst one another.
SUE GRIMM: When people close to you leave the cause.
Ideas for money: Sell pastries In Port Kaituma. Rotate with the chicken. Eat it one time and the next time sell it.
SHARON KISLINGBURY: Those of us who continue to do our own anarchistic thing. There are few people with conscious guilt, therefore few who can take on leadership. We are so self-centered in holding on to Capitalistic ways. How many people would sell out principle if there was no structure, as those close to you did. You can’t trust too many people and where does that leave Socialism? You feel pain about the future of the children, about our lack of sensitivity and lack of commitment.
DAD’S WORST PAIN
REGINA JACKSON: That women still aren’t emancipated. If women would cut off relationships, the men would grow up but the women won’t listen to you.
JAMES TURNER: Not being able to go and take care of our enemies. Also being here in a land of promise while other people in the world are suffering so.
Money saving idea: Sandwiches for workers 3 or 4 times a week to cut down on cost of bread.
MARY GRIFFITH SR: We don’t listen when you spend so much time teaching us communism, and the news and then fail the test and then when people go out and betray you.
BEVERLY LIVINGSTON: The people that you have trusted like Debby Blakey who have turned traitor, the way we don’t work hard enough, the way we don’t listen to the news… and your physical pain.
LUE DIMPLE GOODSPEED: That you have been misunderstood by the whole world with no one else to carry the load but you.
RENÉE MCMURRY: Living, seeing your own people beat on each other and when we do stupid shit after all you’ve taught us.
LENA BENTON: She gave you a testimony. She seemed to try to say that the people close to you had hurt you and would pay for this but she didn’t make it clear.
ODESTA BUCKLEY: All the people you have to take care of.
KIRTES SMITH: The high blood pressure you get from people’s burdens, then your low blood sugar, people talking in the rallies when you ask them to listen, then you stay on the radio night and day and still people talk a lot of negative stuff and won’t be positive, they won’t produce in the fields and won’t follow rules. People stop you to get private counseling and tried to talk to you about just anything. Destroying the people’s property also upsets you. Sorry that I had to write with pencil.
ALFRED SMITH: The traitors who left that know about the strategies and the work.
ZINETRA [Tinetra] JOHNSON: We do not show enough concern about what’s going on and that we really don’t listen to what you are saying and that we don’t carry out the true Marxist-Leninist way of life after all the years you have explained to us.
RON SINES: Physical pain and lack of sleep, your low blood sugar, severe headaches, tension and irritating sounds, the pain you taken when healing all of us. The severe ear infection you took on last year
RON SINES CONTINUED: after taking all our pain away; your abscessed teeth that couldn’t be treated, not even being able to urinate and having urine back up into your kidneys. High blood pressure headaches associated with Peoples Rallies. Our great lack of sensitivity, our defensiveness, refusing to look at ourselves and unwillingness to contribute to the collective.
KIM BARNETT: The people in the US, how you are going to take care of our needs, our anarchistic attitudes, some of us wanting to go back to the states, being ungrateful. Your having to stay here in Jonestown when you like to travel, being a prisoner here. Staying up night and day planning on saving us. The women who are so unemancipated. We still haven’t learned.
JANN GERVICH [Gurvich]: Indifference is your greatest pain, I think. The unwillingness to sacrifice. Then: Your physical pain. Cardiovascular problems, strokes… Lenin had numerous strokes. The tumor on your pancreas, that causes your blood sugar problems, having to relieve your testicles of excess sperm. This is compounded by taking on the pain of others, babies dropped in cotton fields, etc. The Jonathan Jacksons and Chris Lewises of the world. She added a list [of] things that she is willing to do to help: Give up teaching and go into the fields, adopt Orlando Robinson, teach an extra Socialism class every week, practice communist theory in the classroom, do extra paperwork after school is out, and she laid out a plan for teaching Marxist theory in three levels. She also pointed out that in the women’s meetings we must take away a woman’s image as a sex object and replace this with most revolutionary images.
MELANIE KEMP: Worrying about the people in the states, what he has to do to keep the enemies away and the mercenaries. Talking on the radio night and day. Putting up with all of us, not knowing if we are going to be traitors or not.
LUCY MILLER: Worried about the babies and children, having to talk on the radio and teaching the people.
JESSIE JONES: We don’t follow instructions, you stay up all night, we waste things and destroy property. Disobedience.
Money making project: I am going to make a silk quilt to sell.
KAREN HARMS: We are ungrateful, people leave and tell lies. None of us appreciate you.
DAVID GEORGE: People who you let go to town to do a job that mess up like Daisy Lee. She knew better. The white nights and the people in the states hurt you. People don’t want to give money. People that turn traitor. Some of us don’t work hard enough.
ADELINE STRIDER: Knowing that all the family isn’t here yet, safe. Also that there are children going to be hungry and so many of us here are not doing our part.
DAD’S WORST PAINS:
CAROL KERNS: Physically your head and throat because if you must continually [be] thinking with a throbbing headache. Dealing with our bullshit in Peoples Rally and with the persistent need to urinate which makes you stop what you are doing, then have to try and get back to your thoughts. You are in constant agony because of your responsibility which you have taken upon yourself. You have spread yourself so far. People take your love and abuse it. You are always giving and giving and the rest of us are taking and taking. Watching your children grow up under constant scrutiny because they are “Father’s Children”. Then you have to deal with your children’s hostilities because they react to all of the selfish people draining you. The frustration of wanting us to produce and make this place work because it determines whether we sink or swim. The conspiracy constantly has you burning out your brain doing strategy.
DOROTHY ROLLINS: All of the Alphas that we go through and not knowing who’s going to turn on us next. When we don’t listen to you attentively. When you think about those of us who are still in the States, worrying if they will continue to do their part. Trying to feed us and provide for our every need.
GLORIA DAWN WALKER: You have pain for those who are hungry, and homeless in countries like Rhodesia and other fighting countries. Also our ingratitude. We complain and are not nice to each other. If we tried to follow the principle which you are, it would be less painful.
MARY FORD: What hurts you the most is having to sit in the meetings and listen to all of the shit about who done what, who said what, who fucked who. Also that so many of us have been with you so long and know so little about you and what you have been teaching us. And to think about all that you have had to do to make this place possible.
SAM JOHNSON: When we argue with each other, call each other names and give dirty looks. When our people turn against us, it causes you pain.
DIANE LUNDQUIST: I know that it has been painful to see your children leave you and decide to choose a life other than this cause. You have worked so hard at teaching people socialism and see that we at least get a small taste of what it is all about. I think that your worst pain is having to stay alive and watch people not understand and people that do not want to know what liberation struggles really are.
VALLERSTEAN [Vellersteane] JONES: I believe Father suffers most when our people that are really close to him defect and those he has helped the most become traitors.
ZURETTI LANGSTON: 1. Who the next person will be that will leave the movement. 2. How will the movement face you not being with us. 3. Fighting off our enemies.
ALLUVINE MCGOWAN: Your biggest pain as the people here talking too much, running off and lying on you.
JOAN PURSLEY: The following I feel causes you pain: 1. Always having to be the one to think up the strategies etc. 2. You have no leaders and no one takes on genuine leadership responsibility. 3. Being stuck here when you could be of such benefit in finding and leading revolutions in struggling countries. 4. Worrying about seeing that we have equality and that every person’s needs are met. And then life in general is a painful and depressing. Also when people are apathetic.
BETTY MOORE: I know that you suffer immense physical pain a lot of which you can never get any relief from. You go to a lot of emotional pain and it’s most obvious that you suffer mental stress… Coping with all of our anarchistic tendencies, all the traitors. Keeping us all fed, clothed, educated and all of our physical ills taking care of. Then you also suffer because you cannot help all of the poor and oppressed people of the world. I feel a lot of guilt because I know that I contribute a lot of the pain that you go through. I do not like to think about you not being a part of my life but I realize it is extremely selfish not want to let you do whatever it is you want to do with your life. Especially since you have given so much.
ANNETTE JONES: I think the Father suffers most when our people that are really close to him defect and those who he has helped the most. Also when our people fight among themselves and draw each other’s blood. He suffers from a lack of gratitude for all of his sacrifices and do not try to understand or want to understand. He suffers when we do not produce as we should. He suffers because of what is happening to poor people all over the world.
PAM BRADSHAW: I feel the most painful thing to dad is to see people who know and understand socialism, who have been highly trusted in the movement, turn back on all that is good and try to tear the cause down. Apathy, waste and unwillingness to change or to learn is painful and frustrating. Anarchy is another thing. Once I had fucked up and gone out with Irvin, LC Davis and Michelle Wagner, I was telling Dad about it and he said, “Remember these people, it’s people like them that are killing me”. I do remember them and I
also must carry my guilt for the pain I have caused him by my rebellion. I will not forget these people that have caused you pain.
MOM DEAN: I think that what hurts you the most is that you give all of your love and you sacrifice daily for us that we may have a full Marxist-Leninist life but so many of us do not show appreciation by producing and doing anarchistic things. Thank you for everything.
IRENE EDDINS: I think that when the ones who are so close to you and you trust them and they turn against you [and] this cause is one of the things that hurt you the most. Thank you dad.
ROSA KEATON: Thanks for everything. I think that the two things that hurt you more than anything else is treason and anarchism committed by any member of this cause. You have given your life and sacrificed everything and are still doing so daily so that we may have a better and fulfilling life (Socialist, Communist, Marxist-Leninist)
VERSIE CONNESSERO: I think that one of the things that causes you pain is when people leave and start to do shit like this last bitch. It seems like it’s the people that you put a lot of trust in. Another pain is when folks like myself don’t take on responsibilities like I should. This I will start doing. Also people who won’t produce as they should.
GAIL CHAIKIN: I think that one of your greatest guilt is not being able to give us everything that we want and save us from anyone trying to hurt us. When you pour out your soul telling us things that you have gone through, telling us what you feel guilty about in expressing all of your inside feelings. It hurts when so many people don’t give a damn and don’t take your example and become a responsible person that you can trust Even people you give the most to turn around and betray you and the whole cause.
HELEN JOHNSON: First of all I am an asshole myself and it hurts to see you look sad. I know that all of us here hurt you with all of our complaints about little things and ones that you have walked so close with, are yet so far away. When people are not strong enough to see capitalists and the money they offer. There is nothing but death outside of Jonestown.
BARBARA KEMP: I think Dad’s greatest pain is being hurt by those people that are outside of the cause. And he would like to get them for hurting us because we mean so much to him and to mother. It hurts because some of us want to do our own thing. Thank you dad for everything you have done for me, and for my family.
CHRISTINE YOUNG: I feel that dad suffers from the following: 1. Health is impaired, impaired due to lack of sleep, unable to rest when tired, constant draining on him from selfish, inconsiderate, unkind, and ignorant people. 2. Some of us have loved ones that are not here and we are greatly disturbed by this and he feels this suffering also. 3. He suffers because he knows that the chances to live aren’t great and it bothers him because of the young ones in the group whose future is before them. 4. He suffers because of all of the ones that have betrayed all that he is living for. 5. He suffers because many don’t understand his teachings. Many here have the same ol’ capitalist spirit. He has pain because he has no one that will assist him.
GENEVA BEAL: The only way I know is to help to save all I can and work harder and what hurts you most is us not working hard, wasting too much, being disobedient, doing our own thing and fighting our enemies is painful.
DARLENE NEWMAN: Because our dad suffers every time one of his children is pained, it’s hard to pinpoint what would cause him the worst pain. However I think the thing that would or does distress him the most is when one he has shown so much love, understanding and trust betrays that honor and turns against everything Jim Jones stands for. Then again, because dad knows human nature, I don’t believe he is really surprised when one of us turns traitor, but the pain is still there. There are those of us who refuse to give up the traits of Capitalism and continue to cause internal strife in our family. We are insensitive to the sufferings of our comrades, though Dad has proved to be the most sensitive and compassionate who has walked the earth. It causes pain when we represent his teachings. Having so many people constantly draining the life from one body.
HAZLE NEWELL: I think what causes you pain is when people you try to give a chance, turn out to be an ass. You talk to people and they don’t pay attention to what you say, wasting food, not losing weight – the people. You try so hard and want so much for the people and nothing for yourself.
SHAWNTIKI JOHNSON: 1. Having the responsibility which leads to love. 2. Having to live for us daily. 3. Having to do for us and we don’t appreciate it. 4. Having to watch us not face death and knowing and understanding a lot more than we do. 5. Watching us waste so much and not take care of what we have. 6. Our selfishness. 7. Seeing a lot of unliberated sisters knowing now that we have sisterhood meetings it seems like the sisters don’t want to be liberated. 8. Having to see innocent people suffer all over the world by
Shawntiki Johnson cont.–
by system. 9. Watching us be so insensitive toward each other and others who are struggling under different systems and to those who have been tortured. 10. Watching us take a role that we are better than others when the fact is we are all zeros.
VICKI MARSHALL: You have to constantly worry if we are ready for revolutionary death. Worrying if we really want to be Socialist/Communists. If we really have an understanding of what Marxist-Leninist theory is. If we do die one day you want us to know what we exactly died for. I want to be that communist and I want to know that Marxist and Leninist theory by heart. I know that there is no other leader that would do so much as you have so we can be free. Most leaders just take their people out into battle without them knowing everything. But you dad struggle day and night so that we will get the full meaning. You have given so much and still we continue to shit in your face. I feel sometimes that you might say “I give up”. I say this because we have come this far and you have done so much. But still we haven’t come as far as you have, not even one half. I have a lot to do to prove myself. I will because I can do it and found that the more I do the better it is for you to be at ease because then everyone will get the meaning.
MAGALENE LYLES: You are in a prison, you would like to go and help other countries but you can’t because you can’t trust no one. Also, the ones in the states you worry about them. Thank you dad for your love.
ARMELLA TARDY: I think it pains dad when people waste food and destroy the people’s property. How people have left the movement. How people don’t produce how people keep you up day and night over bullshit and how females are not liberated.
NEWANDA [Newhuanda] WALKER: I think the thing that you suffer most it is time to love so many because during the last alfa [Alpha] you had a dream about people – we were jumping from a bridge and you didn’t know whether to jump or not because if you did you couldn’t keep both groups. Having to live and care for so many letting us all understand that dying is so easy and life is nothing. You suffer because you want out at least one side of you and the other knows that without you we would not make it because we came back to one of the lowest forms of living. We are constantly fucking up and doing this with no sensitivity at all. We are not thankful enough. I wish you could lay your life down, only because you are tired if you did, I’m right behind you. I know you can’t because it is so easy to die and so hard to live because you are constantly giving of yourself.
[Editor’s note: This page consists of handwritten notes taken by an unknown Jonestown resident on news from Voice of America. It is likely the reverse side of a piece of paper with typed notes on Jim Jones’ pain.]
CLARA JOHNSON: Before she came here she made two statements that she thinks she should mention to you. You may have heard about them from others but she feels she should report herself. She once said, “My mom and my children are already in Jonestown, I don’t care if I ever get there. They mean more to me than anyone else and as long as they’re safe, that’s what matters to me.” She was upset at the time but feels that the feelings had to be deep seated in her or she would not extend such negative unsocialistic comments. She should have been deeply concerned about others who want to come here who are not relatives. The second thing that she said shortly before leaving LA was that she thought she was under a lot of pressure. Mable [Mabel] Medlock came over to visit and Clara got so angry that she went into the bathroom and cried. She called Kay Nelson who told her to call SB [Sandy Bradshaw]. She said that she couldn’t take it anymore and felt that she had to get away. She told SB that she was not ready to stay here but to visit here, and if she couldn’t come here then she would go somewhere. She feels that if she had really wanted to leave PT she wouldn’t have called SF. She said she acted and talked like a fool, but she really wanted to come here. She apologizes for letting her emotions rule. She commits herself to attending steering meetings from now on.
JOHN HARRIS: Has been working with Pauline Groot and Becky Flowers trying to break down the alcohol content from the bottle of pineapple drink but have not been able to do so with the lack of equipment we have to work with. They tried to separate the components which failed because you cannot separate the actions of sugar and alcohol. He got a commercial brandy – 75 proof from Ava J. [Jones] and tried comparison tests which also failed because of things like the weight of pineapple juice, etc. So now they are going to distill samples in small amounts from the stuff they already have in the herb kitchen and catch the condensation which is alcohol, and compare that to the 75 proof sample.
PEOPLE WHO FEAR DEATH
Toy Fozzet [Toi Fonzelle]
Laurice [Lourece] Jackson
Lovie Jean Lucas
Richard Costells [could be Cordell]
PEOPLE WHO MISS THE U.S.
Lovie Jean Lucas
Laurice [Lourece] Jackson
Maddie (Mattie) Gibson
Lula B. Ruben
(did not get all the names)
[FF-5-p-2 duplicates FF-5-p-1]
1. Joyce Rozynko – was sexually attracted especially at first, was hostile when realized responsibilities went with the rest. Hasn’t wanted responsibilities as a nurse. Difficult to accept that you get all the help you need, but not personal “for you only” type. She was used to the selfish manipulative love of capitalism. Says it’s a wonder you maintained your integrity in avoiding traps set by women more manipulative than her. She knows how vain she must have been and elitist. Hopes she has come out of the negativity of not getting what she set out to get.
She enjoyed the chat with the old-timers. She goes into detail on all you recounted. She enjoys hearing you talk, but so rarely can. It’s exasperating that you cannot hear better in the nurses office. Too many chatter while you are talking. People in her cottage play tape recorders while you talk which annoys her. She loved the discussion on the Communist Manifesto, but heard it better when played at night. Thanks for the classical music.
[Marginal notations on following entry: Two asterisks, “Negative”]
2. Barbara Walker – she is too moody, too blunt, too cynical. Prefer being by herself, does not like to be indebted to someone. Has trouble relating to light-skinned blacks and some whites. She resents that people who did whatever they wanted in the States are allowed to come. Then they are treated like they were dedicated workers, while she worked in the church practically 20 hours a day and never tried to find out about her mom who was in a mental institution. Also she never asks about her sisters and brothers, who are young and she has not seen them in 3 years. She feels the only thing anybody is really concerned about is whether or not she is working hard enough. She feels she always gets the worst end of it. Sometimes she feels she would be better off if she stopped trying to do the right things. She doesn’t do this though because she doesn’t want to hurt others. She is not attracted to anyone here, though she is still emotionally attached to her son’s dad. Favoritism is far less than it was before coming here. She is working out the problem she has with people. No sex attraction to you. Does not like to call you “dad”, says it has no meaning to her.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Positive”]
3. Mark Boutee [Boutte] – no personal hostility toward you. Is hostile when he gets upset and should be more grateful. It’s just his little rebellion over small things like moving the day off to Monday instead of Sunday. He realized this was stupid. But realized it’s a concession to even take ½ day out of production. Seems to understand your strategy of brinkmanship.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Positive”]
4. Estella Railback – her life here is strengthening. Her daughter’s birthday was Dec. 26. You told Jimmy Jr. to cure a disease she was suffering from and she still thanks you. Thanks you for her home, food and everything that strengthen her life.
5. Jan Wilsey – She knows she has hostilities toward you because you are a disciplinarian to her. Let her know that she is not doing her job right and that she should correct it.
6. Debby B – you read it – she thanks you for helping her when you did and all. Very kind note.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Somewhat negative”]
7. Maria McCann – feels guilty over hostilities to you. Felt hostile when she found her sister might die. She knew it was her own fault. Is hostile when a rule is made that is inconvenient for her. She is [a] selfish bitch and only thinking of self. Hostile over rule that mothers could not shower with children (male) as she did this for her own convenience. Is overly possessed with an attachment to her child, and realizes he needs male companionship. This is her own selfishness and hostility to Paul [McCann]. Has had occasional sexual feelings to you, but don’t [doesn’t] ponder it. Feels guilty thinking this because you are much more than a sexual image. Feels to you like a child to a parent when told to do something he doesn’t want to. After she thinks about it, she always realizes it is for her own good, then is not hostile.
8. Lisa Layton – likes to make a good impression, too dependent on creature comforts. Was upset by bad publicity in US, and had doubts creep in but they were dispelled after talking with strong believers. Too easily dislikes people and is a poor hater. Potential coward.
[Handwritten: “Lisa cont.”]
too good image of self and is an idiot at to at her times. Talks before she thinks too much. No hostilities to Jim and never had any. One thing slightly bothers her, but does not want to write it. No sex feeling to Jim other than to hug him like she hugs her children.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Positive”]
9. Ernestine March. No hostilities to you. No physical attractions, though you are the apple of her eye and darling of my heart because you are principal [principle] – kind, loving, fair, and truth, S and C. You have denied yourself for us. She loves you as much as she is capable of loving a person. Love is asking nothing, but giving all. Feels she is at home, wants to be like you. Opens her big mouth before thinking. She knows she talks out too much and must bridle her mouth.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Positive to you”]
10. Katherine Dominick – has an attitude when you give an order. When her sisters and brothers rebel, she cannot help from yelling telling them it’s dad’s order. Meals are wonderful. She yells if they give too much to eat. She thinks you are very handsome.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Depressed”]
11. Don Jackson – Today when cutting hair in pavilion, had head up ass, Lovie Jean Lucas offered a piece of donut and he ate the whole thing. He is shit and unless he changes himself soon he will never be anything. Is going to fast all day tomorrow and think about his actions. Please forgive him. Will read Marxism-Leninism all day too.
12. Russell [Moton] – was attracted to JJ when first came, but felt it wrong so choked off the feeling. Feels guilt and respect for him. Hostile about the PA though the material is good and informative. Finds himself turning off your voice at times.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Positive”]
13. Magnolia Farris– no sexual attraction to you. Enjoyed talk with the old timers. She is self-righteous, unforgiving, pig-headed, hates criticism and thinks that her opinions are always right. In short is an asshole. Is thankful that you are kind and loving and forgiving. They don’t deserve it. Meals are excellent, but curry was superb. Thinks cooks do a good job.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Generally positive, thanks you for growth in her sons”]
14. Sylvia Grubbs – will not relate to Tim without going into the relationship committee. Needs to work harder, is paranoid. Feels inferior. Not secure in her work. Not so conscientious and sexual fantasies, is 39. Interested in Tim, but won’t relate w/o cttee. approval. Used to be attracted to you, fantasize, but now more fears and respects you. Looks to you in more than physical person. Has been resentful to Larry S. [Schacht], but since you talked to him he has turned completely around and she agrees with his methods now. Has talked behind his back in the past. She will stay off his case from now on. Has never been happier than she is now. Beauty here is breathtaking. She was so unhappy in capitalism. She was overwhelmed by the growth in her sons. She is glad they are not dependent on her. Kevan is a fine young man. Can never thank you enough for what you have done for him.
15. Marshall Farris – not attracted. Enjoyed the talk from the old timers. He thinks he is right all the time. Doesn’t want to listen to others opinions. Is a shithead. Grateful for dinner – it was excellent.
[Marginal notation on following entry: “Positive”]
16. Margarette Jeffrey – thank you for New Years dinner and for being so loving, etc. Enjoyed the talk of early ministry. Relates this talk. Tends to criticize others before she really knows the whole story of what really happened. Then when she finds out she is wrong it is hard for her to face the individual which she has to do to apologize. No attraction to JJ. Thinks of you as she would a blood dad, only more because you do much, much more than he ever could. You can do anything but fail.
17. Pat Rhea – gets hostile when seems she doesn’t have enough time to do things and has to rush. Also when people give out orders, when people steal, when people take up your and our time unnecessarily. She is attracted to Mark Wagner, and Danny Marshall.
[Editor’s note: Original typed in all caps]
From: Bea Orsot
Subject: Writing myself up and other self-criticism, hostilities, sexual attractions, what I got out of last night’s words re: the background of your life
Today, I really fucked up. Patricia Cartmell had set up “Roots” on videotapes for her class to watch in the book deposit. Shortly, she discovered that class would not be in session so we both started to look at the film. Patricia soon said, “Do you think this is elitism?” I said, “I don’t know and I don’t give a shit at this point with this splitting headache I have.” I then added, “Father said we’ll all be on the Learning Crew sooner or later and I just as soon it be sooner.” It was definitely a hostile statement – I know it was – as I felt hostile when I said it. I realized it and felt too guilty to look at the movie.
1. I am generally hostile regarding structure only when it affects what I want to.
2. I am a real bitch at times especially in the mornings. I am hostile because I hate getting up so early after having gone to bed so late.
3. I am hostile because I don’t have enough time to get things done. I was very hostile at you last night when I had to look at the movie. I wanted to get some sewing done and bathe Tom’s [Tom Grubbs] dog and clean, do some typing in the book deposit, and clean where I live. I was too tired to do it after the movie. I was even more hostile when I could not hear or properly see the movie – too much talking and too far away. The 2 hours was totally nonproductive – don’t even know what movie was about and didn’t get anything else done productive either.
4. I get hostile when your tapes are played very late at night (except for the one last night about your early life – that I was very interested in) because I cannot get to sleep yet I do not know entire contents of tape and should be listening to information about socialism, Communism, etc. I’m never too tired to be awakened by my companion for sexual pleasure so I should force myself to learn more about my real reason to live and die. Saying I am too tired to listen is bullshit.
5. I am a very ungrateful asshole. You have met all my needs; you continue to do so daily, never missing even the smallest need. You have given me a great deal to be thankful for. I know it, including some things which I never dreamed I would have or even need. You answer the need before I realize it exists. Others don’t have the same and they act more appreciative than I do.
6. I simply cannot control the shitty way I talk to others when my metabolism is off as it is now. Most everything and everyone gets on my nerves unless they are personally doing something to boost my ego. Even the slightest noise makes me feel like screaming. Sometimes I have to hold on tight to something to keep from screaming. I get even more hostile because I am unable to get my medication from Larry S. [Schacht] to help me through such periods. I am hostile because it was taken away from me, even though I know the reason.
7. I like working in the fields, don’t object to hard work, physically, but greatest fault is being unable to handle the sun. It wipes me out. It would not wipe me out if I were intent on getting the job done. I would endure anything to produce.
8. I get pissed and impatient when I am working and then am interrupted by someone. I am pissed now at everyone who comes to the book deposit to ask me for something because I worked to get this done. Lack of sensitivity for their need.
9. One of my greatest faults is writing you my faults, then not following up with consistent effort to correct those faults. It’s bullshit if I don’t & an insult to your integrity.
First, I am and always have been sexually attracted to you. Any woman who isn’t a dumb ass but I do not dwell on it because first, you are unattainable; secondly, you are so principled that I know I would probably catch hell all the way through the act instead of enjoying it. You would be tearing me apart, making me look at myself and I don’t want the pain of it. Thirdly, I know you have no desire to have sex with me whatsoever and it is difficult to have an experience when the feelings are one-sided. You would be giving and not receiving and I would not like that at all. I will not take you through the pain of it as others have. I am glad about that.
Secondly, my only other sexual attraction is Tom Grubbs. The attraction is intense, and I am glad that I finally admitted it to myself after dodging it for such a long time, trying to fool myself and did so for a long time, was not even aware of it.
What I got out of last night’s message about your early life:
It was good to learn more about the beginnings of this movement. I am jealous of those who had the opportunity of knowing you in those days for those days can never be recaptured. You were more on a personal note with people. You had more time and they got to know a lot of things I wish I knew, about themselves, prophecies, past lives (not that the latter is important now), future and how we fit into it, struggles.
You started out long ago to be what you are. You have always had struggles but the ones in California and here are not to be compared with those in Indiana which were really mild. There were so many miracles that they could not be discussed in one night. I specifically remember the one which Becky Beikman told about your healing a young man who had curvature of the spine; you told him that he would grow 3 inches within one week. He did exactly that and from that time on, stood straight and strong.
I felt sad because I don’t think many people were listening to you. I thought, suppose he were to be shot tonight. Then those who did not show interest would be crying and would regret their lack of attention to the words of our only Savior, the only one who has ever cared. We forget too soon, and take you and your words for granted… Me too, not just them.
Penny Cartmell has been with you for 20 years. Eva, Jim Pugh, Esther [Mueller] have been with you for over 25 years. Eva and Jim were harassed in Indiana by telephone calls in the middle of the night from Pentecostal folk because they followed you and because you tore up the Bible. Jim Pugh came from a very religious background and got upset when you first tore up the Bible, but has come around fine and is a good revolutionary now. Eva too and Esther. One night Eva received a threatening call from a Pentecostal woman. Eva turned her around when she told her she shouldn’t be up so late doing this kind of thing. She showed Father’s concern for her personally. She felt guilty and never called again. You offered her Father’s love to help care for her in any way. Never heard from her again. Calls stopped instantly.
You told Eva once before her first husband died that she would be alone when a certain flower bloomed in her backyard. She thought it was her husband you meant, but it was her mother, I think. She could not stand the pain of it when you told her but you showed her some verse in the Bible in Isaiah which helped her to accept it. The death did occur on the exact day the blooming of the flower.
Words were spoken about how your early followers traveled with you from Indiana, fleeing from racism (capitalism), first 2000 miles to California, then 6000 to Guyana. Patty told of how she had to fool Walter [Cartmell] about coming to California. He traveled from state to state never knowing he was on his way to California. Lynetta [Jones] kept asking Patty how she was going to convince Walter to go to California. She never really told him, just kept moving from state to state.
I thought of how sad, again, it was that nobody seemed to care much about what you were saying or about you. Period. I appreciated Dick Tropp’s going to the radio room to take down great moments in history in order to include them in his book about the greatest revolutionary of all times. I thought revolutionary history is being made by the leader while his people sleep and go about their way. I cried and am crying.
I listened to every word, but cannot recall at all now, which is another fault of mine. I should have. If I had cared enough, I would have.
[Last paragraph on page typed in margin]
You said that Sue [Suzanne] Cartmell was always afraid of pain all her life, that when she got sick, it was a big thing. She would go into her room and close the door and make a big shit out of it. Now she is a traitor. Lesson was to beware of those who fear pain. You called Esther out once. She thought you was speaking to someone else. Next meeting, she spit up a cancer from her throat area.
GERALDINE BAILEY SAYS EVONNE [EYVONNE] HAYDEN IS A POOR WORKER
Evonne Hayden: Observed by Gerald Bailey working in a lazy matter on 12-31-77. Geraldine said that she worked for at least three days on a shallow ditch no more than four inches deep. Also, she removes the walkway to the Pavilion and said that she would replace it, but by 7 PM, the walkway was still not in place. Geraldine states this seems to be a pattern of her work habits.
EUGENIA GERNAUDT [Gernandt]: I don’t pay enough attention to people, I do not speak to all that I meet, I interrupt when someone is speaking and I am trying to correct all of this. I am not disciplined enough in the food line to lose weight. I need to work harder and to plan around taking care of Sister [Mildred] Mercer. I wish to praise Santiago for getting 2 logs for the seniors to sit on during the alert the other day.
SUE GERRAM [Jerram]: Sue has been too slow in the afternoon. Jim Simpson had Philip Blakey plow up food crops the other day – eggplant before it had been picked, peanuts, and sweet potatoes planted by Ruella Brown were plowed under. I don’t know what else. The irrigation system would be a big help. I noticed the water from the front well was dirty this afternoon (12-noon). We desperately need rain. Everyone enjoyed the changes of pace that clearing the windrow provided. We even found tools that had been missing a long time. The bitter squash that has Laetrille [Laetrile] in it: I wish we had planted somewhere.
IRA [Irra] JOHNSON: I am friendlier with people I like, I procrastinate about paperwork, I come on too strong with workers and I think this makes it difficult for them to talk to me.
CRITICISM OF CO SUPERVISOR: She is too quick to criticize without bringing up positive points; needs to set priorities, too defensive when confronted.
LORETTA CHAVIS: Self Evaluation: I am not aggressive and straight forward enough when confronting others about work habits. I procrastinate when it comes to paperwork. Lately I have had poor follow-through.
EVALUATION OF IRA JOHNSON: She procrastinates on paperwork, she comes off aggressive and sometimes hostile, lately she has been very lenient with workers about their poor work habits.
MOM [Christine] BATES: I am loud, I holler, I talked too loud and curse and that isn’t nice to be a 72-year-old Grandma. I really think that I shouldn’t be so rough with others when they make mistakes. I should be more kinder.
EVALUATION OF L.V. MCKINES [McKinnis]: He breaks the rules for some people but for others he hollers at them and he doesn’t like me to tell him what’s wrong.
PENNY SILVER: I tried to look good and important. I do not follow through on most of my jobs. I get easily bored. I tried to cover my own ass and hate to report others for fear of being reported myself, or because I have usually done the same thing at one time or another. When you told us to be careful with the water, it entered my mind to tell you how I only take a shower every other day to save water but this would have been a lie, as I only take a bath every other day because I want to. My Hypercondria [Hypochondria] really flares up. I have had problems with a fungus on my foot and I fantasized in my mind a huge ulceration like Lela Murphy’s and being able to lay up in bed and get waited on, and a lot of sympathy. I also visualized you yelling at the nurses for not taking good care of me. I never write Agnes [Jones] up because I feel threatened by her. I am jealous of people who are close to you and I wish that I could spend time with you too. I resent being gotten on so much publicly and wonder why some people never get it publicly. Sometimes, I brood over this. I can see that I am vindictive. I have always wanted to learn Spanish yet I don’t take advantage of the Spanish classes. When I get excited or pressured
I talk too loud. I hate going to the People’s Rallies, though I know they are necessary. My thoughts are always filled with dread of punishment and of making a mistake. I am always glad when the meetings are over and I make it through without getting into trouble. I tell the inspectors that they are doing a good job to keep them off my ass. I believe really, that they are deliberately agitating me to get me into trouble and I resent them terribly. I have been eating bread the past couple of weeks and I think that I have gained some weight. I stole an old scarf I found at the Warehouse when I first came. I harbor resentment towards Debby Blakey and I think she’s a snob. I brood because Andy’s [Andy Silver] only written me three times, instead of thinking about the people that have no one. I get upset when the people on the crew have to carry too heavy a load of wood or don’t get enough water, but yet I’m careless in other ways. I am just a hypocrite. I would really knock their blocks off I get so hostile to them at times, so really don’t care that much. I hate looking at myself. I get very irritated with Willie and will tend to be more patient with him.
SEXUAL FEELINGS FOR DAD – BY PENNY: I wasn’t able to face my sexual feeling for you until this past year. Sometimes I wish that you would put your arms around me and hold me. My feelings are a combination of sexual and child-dad. I cry when I think of you holding me. I have some in-love feelings for you but I would never take advantage of you, or Marcie… and I cannot personally relate to any man but Andy sexually.
From Sarah [Tropp]
Re: Hostilities and that most irksome subject of SEX
1. Hostilities: Many of these are petty, but petty or not, they are what piss me off.
1. I get hostile at having to write notes like this. I know that as the leader of this organization, you need the input, etc. but nevertheless I still (quite unreasonably) consider it a gross invasion of my privacy. I figure as long as I’m not acting out then I should be allowed the dignity of keeping my thoughts, especially on sex, to myself. Considering how completely unattractive I am, having to tell you about sexual attractions etc. is extremely humiliating. I know that humiliation can make a person stronger, but I do resent it – and I recognize that resentment reflects my own concern about my image. (If I didn’t care about my image, it wouldn’t bother me.)
2. I get irritated when you give instructions and I can’t keep up. I know that you can’t help it – memory and thought processes etc. don’t time themselves to suit my writing ability – but it’s frustrating. Especially you go over and over something you’ve already given instructions on. This is totally unreasonable on my part – I do recognize that – since often you will change or add things etc. but it’s one of those things that I get irrationally irritated at. I hope you won’t stop giving instructions to me just because I said this.
3. I go up a wall with all the announcements, readings etc. over the loudspeaker. It is irritating as hell. I know that people have to hear you a certain amount of time, otherwise they act out, but it can be maddening. I have entertained the thought that you were deliberately using a known psychological technique of interrupting people’s thought processes with specific information, so as to keep them in a kind of disjointed state – a state that makes them both more receptive to information fed to them, and less able to do concentrated (and often treasonous) things. Of course, this could also be counterproductive, since interruptions do interfere with the ability to do long stretches of efficient work. Whatever your reasons, it is driving me nuts.
4. I get hostile at you when I think you are treating me in what I consider a “dependent” fashion, although that is not the right word, perhaps. For example, I cannot stand it when you call me “daughter” and I’m glad you don’t do it often. I consider my ties to you and this organization to be deeper, and of a much different quality then any stupid “blood tie” or pseudo-” blood tie “. You are not my “dad” and I do not think of you are such. I think of us as comrades – you, of course, of a much greater character, sensitivity, and commitment than I, but comrades nevertheless – and not some shallow, asinine “blood relationship”, in which I am the dependent, because I am the “daughter” and you are the “father”. I have a lot to learn about your character, thinking etc. and in that sense I am dependent on you, but it is the dependency of a comrade to a far more refined leader. I know that for many people “blood ties” are significant, and so to think of you as a dad makes some people have a deeper tie to you. It is the opposite with me. Of course, there is also a Freudian explanation – it is unacceptable for a daughter to have sexual feelings for a father, and I do have sexual feelings for you. Dr. Freud would probably say I have to deny any “relationship” to you
Hostilities and sex etc.
out of some weird incest taboo. But then, Freud has been proven wrong, and I think in this case that explanation is too glib, and only correct to a small degree.
Yes, I’d like to fuck you – if it were possible to divorce ourselves from time and space, if it were just a question of hopping into bed and fucking – sure. I don’t think you are “handsome” in any stupid, superficial way – you are 46 and fat. But I do feel a closeness to you, based on working with you etc. etc. that one half-wishes could be translated into a physical thing. You know, a nice fuck between friends. I don’t have romantic illusions.
They say the greatest orgasm is death, so I hope we will have the great pleasure of dying together.
I have other sexual attractions – none of them “desirable” enough to be acted on, of course – even if I were presumptuous enough to think they were reciprocated. Tom Adams, Terri, come to mind particularly, though there are others who, in passing, I might find “attractive”. (An example of this sort is Al Touchette – I’ve noticed that anyone I have a passing, casual attraction to is usually younger than I and more immature. It’s almost as if they can fill the role of “prostitute” – superficial interest etc.)
Dec. 30, 1977
I found a beautiful ring with white type stones and a small diamond like stone in [the] middle about size 7. I was going to turn into [it in] to be sold. Ellie Beam stated it was hers and that Jimmy lost it. Pat Cartmell was there and knew of ring and that she had had it so I did give it to her but I felt I should have turned it in to be sold.
I told Ellie I felt it was an expensive ring and should be given to be sold. She insisted it was hers and that it was not an expensive ring, that the stone was plastic – I feel this is not true but I did give her the ring since she insisted it belonged to her.
Self-criticism – Rebecca Beikman
I’m too swayed by what others think of me. Lack of self-confidence. Do not confront people enuff because I don’t want to be confronted. Hasate [Hesitate] to take on any leadership because of the responsibility witch [which] it lays on them and confrontations. I need to have more organization and need to learn to lison [listen] more closely to teaching.
I am hard to get along, very slow at learning in my classes. I am stubborn and not very friendly enough towards my comrades. Dad I desire to always be in your presence, because when I am in your presence I am not worried and I feel like a new person. I don’t desire to have sex or sexual feeling for anyone here at this time. When I joined the church you told me that I would be very happy. I am very happy now but if I should always keep the teachings and obey I know I will be even more happier.
Disclaimer: 1) The following are written in good faith that you actually wanted them or they would not have been written. 2) They are written with full understanding of the rational [rationale] behind policies etc. so I will not explain that I understand why things are done.
1) The constant use of the PA system is very unnerving and provokes the worst in me. The messages you give – I like to hear (though I get much more from reading) but they are played at times that totally frustrate me.
2) I honestly feel that there are a few people who are immune to the “Learning Crew” i.e. Joyce & Charlie T. [Touchette], Ava & Johnny [Jones], CL [Carolyn Layton], MK [Maria Katsaris], PC [Patty Cartmell], MP [Mike Prokes], Harriet [Tropp], Jimmy [Jones] Jr., Stephen [Stephan Jones], Tim [Jones], Sandy [Cobb], & J. (This is not to say they necessarily should be on it of course) and I am not overly concerned about it at the present, but when I go on the crew I am sure I will be hostile.
3) I resent Penny Cartmell that she gets her revenge and gets it done through you at times. I feel she is lazy, indulgent, egotistical and tries to nuzzle up to you to flaunt it as the rest of us.
4) I resent that the people close to you have so much more mobility.
Sexual: I really don’t know what exactly is a clear cut, well-defined case of sexual attraction. The attractions to you that I have are obliterated pretty much by other feelings I have because of your authority – Because I am somehow in some ways trying to avoid the heaviness that comes with any type of feelings to you. I don’t want to be close to you (non-sexually nor sexually) – because I am too insecure and too competitive and it is very painful or uncomfortable to be close to a father figure – for me. I don’t deserve to be close to you (I am not talking about sexually because I don’t even consider that) because of antisocial patterns that I have. I feel guilty and uncomfortable when you treat me with a semblance of trust because I don’t feel like I’ll ever be a trustworthy person.
[Editor’s note: The next two pages were in reverse order in the original FOIA release.]
From: [Debby] Blakey
Re: Philip [Blakey]
I talked with him last night for about an hour. He agreed that it was best that we didn’t live together as one’s work production could falter as well as other people getting the wrong idea about the relationship and thinking that it was for sex.
He said that he hadn’t expected sex, as it was always very frustrating for us before and he could not see how that would have changed now.
I asked him about Terri Cobb and he said that he had known as I had told him at the time: about our relationship.
He said that he had just wanted to be able to talk as he doesn’t see me during the day. I explained that my decision did not mean that we couldn’t talk and by all means feel free to talk, just that I wasn’t interested in sex and that to live together could easily lead to something which was naïve of me not to think of before.
I mentioned that Jan [likely Jann Gurvich] did have a crush on him and that he should feel free to be friendly with her, that I had no problems with that. He said that it didn’t make sense not to have a relationship with one person and then condone one with another. I explained that people are all at different stages of their development. That she had been pained a lot from her past experiences and although she was a good and productive worker, she still felt that perhaps she had missed out on something in life.
He said that I had really changed. That before I would have been very jealous, but he understood what I was saying. I reemphasized, that of course he should clear anything first, but that I wanted him to know that I wasn’t standing in the way and I wouldn’t be at all upset.
I think that it went very well. I think that perhaps he was shocked when I said that I didn’t want sex, but realized with our past trials that it did make sense.
In reference to Jan, I think that perhaps something could be worked out for them, if that is what is best for Jan as long as there is some platform of acknowledgment made and the relationship condoned. Otherwise, they might or she might be worried that it would not be cleared as I am around.
She wanted to talk to me about Phil and said that she had thought that I wanted sex with Phil, as I said when she mentioned birth control to me: that in no way was I going to use birth control.
I told her that it meant exactly as I had said. That I didn’t want birth control as I am not interested in sex nor was I interested in a vaginal infection.
When I first came, my second day, Joyce said to me that she had hoped that I would live with Phil, as it would be a reward for his hard work. When she talked with me day before yesterday she talked with more wisdom and wasn’t so damned concerned about Phil’s welfare, but that of the collective and mine.
I just want to say, that the only thing that has made me change and become more responsible, with self-worth and self exceptance [acceptance] was only by your attention and now you made me feel good about myself. It was having the relationship with you that made it possible for me to take showers with other women and not try to hide my breasts as before. It was that relationship that put me on the right track.
I realize that many have betrayed that you have had to show attention to, but I will always be grateful for what you gave me.
Thank you, Debbi B. [Blakey]
December 30, 1977
I have a lot of faults and usually feel terrible about myself, but I don’t do anything about it. I am very insensitive and go around hating people all the time. I always think bad about others before good things. I definitely favor my child over the others and have a very hard time trying to stop it. I feel mean and coldhearted. I am defensive when confronted about things. I am totally too family-oriented and still cling to my sisters too much. I think too much on my relatives in the states. I am very selfish and self-centered. I hate myself and have a nasty attitude. I am unfriendly towards people, unless they are kind to me first. I am lazy and when I get tired in the field I start thinking negative and selfish instead of how important our work is for the collective. I am very quick to criticize others before myself. I gossip and talk negative too often. I am not grateful enough and do not deserve what you have given me. I have not suffered in life. Thank you Dad.
Self-evaluation – Diane Casanova
I get very snobby when confronted. My attitude tord [toward] seniors is shitty. I don’t like to be told what to do if I am rong [wrong]. (don’t like structure) I get very lazy and seem to egnor [ignore] anything I am told. When people tell me I am rong I do not answer I egnor them.
I am going to change the things I listed and I am going to start now.
Thanks, Dad for your structure. I need a lot even though I don’t like it.
[Editor’s note: The next two pages of notes by Christine Lucientes were in reverse order in the original FOIA release.]
1. I am a very critical person. I question a lot of things – I can see the value of things that I don’t like though.
2. I am too much ruled by emotion and I regret that I don’t understand my emotions & why I can suddenly feel almost like I were in mourning and cannot intellectually trace the origin of the feeling. I get upset with the crowding and sometimes feel overwhelmed with the claustrophobic feeling. (I am appreciative of the place but have a phobia with crowds at times). I also could choke children.
3. I feel that I have an elitist pattern of familiarity with you. I am not afraid of you nor the wrath. I am too casual with you.
4. I am hostile on the power that Jimmy [Jones] Jr., Tim J. [Jones], Johnny C. [Cobb], Sandy J. [Jones], Ava J. [Jones] wield over people and I don’t respect them. I feel they are teeny-boppers and clickish [cliquish].
I am afraid that my feelings to them could affect my reactions in crisis – which is wrong on my part. I have noticed in crisis situations I have to fight a lot of emotional reactions and have not done so well in regards to them.
5. I am not throwing myself into anything – I am trying to work hard, not talk critically, get along with people I work with but avoid any leadership work. I do work extra hours tutoring children – dishes 4 hrs a week etc. but do not avail myself to government.
P.S. 6) I know I have left out major problems but that is another thing I do – avoid the problems that are unacceptable.
7) I hate any criticism – I get a terrible devastated reaction in many cases.
I deeply appreciated your last statements about the emptiness you heard in the voices of people on the radio. Wish I could have heard it; maybe it would have been beneficial to me. This is a beautiful place and I’m happy for the children and seniors, but I can’t honestly say I’m happy here at all. I feel an emptiness in myself I can’t explain. I see the beauty but I guess that is not my reason for being here. I’m not happy unless I’m doing work like I was in SF, or thinking about how I would take care of our enemies. I would like to go out and free the world of many who have oppressed us all. I like intrigue and only feel alive when I think on things to do. I have felt my reason for being here was to one day perform such missions, and this is all I live for. I would have felt better being in the states and helping people get to freedom if we had to sneak out by night. I don’t feel I’m doing anything useful here, and I find it hard to push each day. I don’t feel comfortable here when others are not free. Feel very depressed and unhappy bec. [because] of this.
Self-criticism: am an asshole most of time. I do not speak out enough on issues bec. I think I will say too much. I let things build up inside because I don’t speak up many times. If I do speak up it is full blast. I do not use my full thinking capacity, but allow myself to think I do. I think I should have been trained in espionage. I let my children get me down when they misbehave. I know it’s part of growing up but I feel guilty. I resent people who have relationships or closeness to someone when some of us have no one to talk to or share ideals with. I don’t dislike the people, just feel it’s not egalitarian. Then I hate myself for feeling this way. Not having anyone to share thoughts with makes you stagnated. I don’t like being yelled at – makes me hostile as hell. Is there any other job I can do along with letters.
Note from Laura Johnston: Betty Fitch told me that when she and Denise Purifoy were procuring in Georgetown they stopped at the house of a white woman who works at the American Embassy. She gave $20. I told both of them to write it up last night. Denise said she told Ava. This happened 3-4 weeks ago. (I think CL [Carolyn Layton] wrote at bottom of note: “Passed on to G/town”)
Dorothy [Deidre] McMurry
I like to have things done my way. If not I block everything out I don’t want to hear. I talk about people behind their backs. Lazy, think of myself.
Hard to get along with. Very slow to make friends. Very selfish, very stubborn. Do not care if people like or dislike me. Don’t speak to some people. Have a certain amount of jealousy. Quick to get angry, gossip.
I am in the drill team and feel everything you said about us was true. We exclude ourselves from others. I think I am special and get an attitude. Too soft spoken, don’t like to get on others.
I lie and don’t like criticism. When you read over the air I can’t keep it in my head.
Cheryl [Cheryle] McCall
Don’t follow through with checking on cottages. Not on time for work. Passive. Don’t like to confront. Don’t like to think, love drugs as cop-outs. Very good manipulator and use people. Don’t like standing for principle because I really don’t want to. Sorry I told Lisa she couldn’t have guests. Thank you for giving me the chance to know one of the sweetest ladies I’ve ever known, Lynetta [Jones].
Don’t like some people. Stubborn. Talk about people.
Mary Costillo [Castillo]
I don’t have patience with people that work too slow .
I am critical of other people. I find myself jealous at times and impatient.
I am critical of people. Don’t like to be told how to handle a job. I have a habit of saying things to make people laugh, and at this point in time that is out of place.
I often find myself trying to make excuse for my thoughts and actions, and feel I’ve not been treated equal, especially when the traitors are mentioned. It is just a trip of self-pity and to get by. Very paranoid about everything but know it is an excuse for my bullshit. Talk too much, want to be more than I am. Only good to people to look good. My sexual problems are still there but I feel I’m making a better adjustment.
I told Stephanie before I came and she came that you wouldn’t be fair here and that people high here would be in Georgetown and we would be on the hill as I put it. I can see how wrong I was and there is more fairness here than ever in the states.
I have no complaints of the criticism that was said about the medical staff. I feel we should all get criticized. I am very passive. Don’t want to look bad. Too defensive if someone wrongly accuses me.
Corlis Boutee [Boutte]
I feel the evaluations were fair. I feel I am not criticized enough. I don’t like to look bad. Don’t want to tell my faults to people. Don’t like to criticize others.
Lore B. Parris
I am the one that cussed last night on the porch. Please forgive me. I just got mad because I didn’t know the question I was asked to answer. I’m going to try and learn about socialism.
I find myself not wanting to take instructions from anyone. Don’t like to be corrected. I mumble when something is told on me. I have not worked on my fear of heights.
Listen to what I want to here [hear] when confronted. Have bad temper. I talk about people. Some people I don’t say anything to. I’m racist because I think about all the white people and Uncle Toms and Aunt Janes who left and try to do harm and it’s hard for me to trust people.
I (Rosi Ruggiero) have been meaning to write to you for such a long time. You are so consistently busy, keeping yourself alive for every individual here and back in the states day by day. I will make this as short as possible. I want to express that I am mighty grateful for all you have done for my so-called family in this great socialist family. Dad, I’m so thankful to be here in the most highest land on earth. I want to thank you for changing my capitalist mind to become a communist mind someday. Every day I learn more about you Dad (Socialism & Communism). I feel so fortunate to have the knowledge of knowing what is happening around this world. Thanks to you, I can feel the pain of the South Africans, Chileans, starving brothers and sisters all around the capitalist states, torturings every minute of the days that go by and our Black Brothers and sisters being set up and framed in those god dam fucked prisons and jails. I want to feel and relate to these things that are happening around us day by day.
Dad, out of all the beautiful things you do and sacrifice for us, I can be so grateful and appreciate every loving thing you do, but why I really don’t know, but that I have a hostile feeling towards you dad. I hate to say this. It breaks my heart but I think that it is best that I tell you because it has been bothering me. I tried to avoid it but it never goes away. I think that the Reason is because I am selfish, and that I always wanted to spend some time to talk to you, but I do understand that you would like to spend time getting to know everyone. I know that I am selfish. With your most highly principled teachings I will learn to not be selfish. I feel better that I have told you how I felt. Thank you so much for being a true Dad to all of us! Also Dad, I feel that I feel hostile because of taking authority from you. I felt hostile because of my sister (Cathy w/ the kidney problem). I always wondered
why she wasn’t healed. But thanks to you my principled leader and truest Dad, I have learned much about my sister and about Death. Every day I except [accept] more about my sister’s faith that she really didn’t have much of. You have blessed her in so many ways that I can’t tell them all. Thank you Dad, so much.
Dad, you are very attractive to me, but I feel a relationship as a daughter and dad type. I’m so thankful to be one of your children.
I’m proud to be a socialist and someday a true example of you (communism).
Thank you for giving me this latest opportunity. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Peace and Love
Comrade Rosi Ruggiero
P.S. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to share with you about myself.
From Tish Leroy
1) Self Criticism requested; 2) Sexual attractions and 3) hostilities toward leadership or staff
1) Am increasingly conscious of my own comments – not negative, just too much! This is ego expressing. Also ask too many questions resulting from impatience. Am too patient with myself, and too impatient with others.
I tend to intrude when on the sidelines when I should keep my mouth shut – will keep my mouth shut more. Am lacking in humility or would not think my own opinion so damn important.
Am still procrastinating too much – not tight enough on my scheduling of time after regular daily hours. I respond to my own tiredness too readily, which I would not do if steadily meditating on gratitude for socialism.
Still do not make consistent enough effort to make others feel good about themselves. I make allowances for self and am more critical of others.
Am improving in exercise regime – but still not yet actively enough into it as socialist responsibility would dictate. Will work harder at the daily scheduling which I have to stick to like glue to get a full day’s work out of a full day. I see sloth in myself in ways I had not previously realized, like above – and feel I am working at overcoming it.
2) I am and have been sexually attracted to you, which has been said before. It’s no problem to me – and there’s been no other attraction. I have consistently written any thoughts on this subject. I do not spend much thought on this – no time to think about it. I keep very busy.
3) No hostilities I can presently think of. At times I get irritated; I usually tell the ones involved. Am not feeling hostile at anyone right now.
I should know more about your teachings than I do. I don’t care as I should about seniors. I feel hostile towards them sometimes. I have been bitchy lately. I should pay better attention when you are on the speakers.
I should lose weight faster. Feel guilty I haven’t suffered like our other black brothers and sisters. Think too much of my family in states, when I should be thinking of this family. Cling to my sisters too much. I never help seniors after Peoples Rally. I’m too passive and never write up anything.
Note from Jeff Carey: A lot of times I burn letters to Dad from various people, or radio room notes or whatever somebody throws in the pit. I tried to throw used diesel on these and not coals as well as only used bondages [bandages?] but sometimes they aren’t even torn up and lay scattered in there a long time before I get a chance to notice them. I believe that a trusted person from the secretarial staff should bring these things and put them into the stove where they will be instantly destroyed.
One of the things I studied in school was a camera that can read a watch dial from upwards of 200 miles above the earth so that if nobody retrieved these things a satellite which they put to orbit in a stationary spot above the earth could read these.
It should be policy for people never even have written notes out in the open reading them. These cameras I was told are widely used and we are learning the process of producing the BrCl special tens [lens?] material as one of our lab exercises. I think it not unlikely though we might have a big mouth or agent in our midst that you should take this possibility into account.
Could I change my name? I really don’t like Joyce Rozynko. My own dad’s name before he came to the US from Denmark was Lund-Hansen. For brevity’s sake he dropped the Lund. Could I drop the Hansen and be J. Lund? Change always makes me uncertain and I need your approval.
Pressure makes me blow up when I’m on duty in the nurse’s office, especially when 3-4 people are coming at me at once. I admire those who can keep it together. I get angry because I don’t want to take pressure. I am an elitist. I keep looking at the negative side of nursing – the pressure, the confusion, being used. I’m very capitalistic and want to serve myself. I realized long ago I had nothing to offer anyone being older etc. so I became aware of how selfish I am. If someone starts weaseling up to me I become suspicious – and become sour and impatient. I’m inattentive and forgetful, and blame a lot of it on my deafness. I don’t like being confronted. I get morose and sorry for myself and start making up fancies in my head about leaving or destroying myself, knowing all the time I can’t do it. Facing reality is hard for me. If I’d been more humble earlier in my life I’d have less trouble now. It was kind of evaluator to say I’m hard-working. I think the others I work with are much more than myself. I appreciate the opportunity you have given Chris [Rozynko], Mike [Rozynko] and myself in coming here. I know nuclear war is coming. You have taught us about Communism and I’m grateful. I’ll be more humble, show a better spirit, try harder.
[Editor’s note: This handwritten note contains many misspellings which have been corrected as much as they can for clarity.]
I heard some parts of your announcements. I may not have everything that you ask of me but I hope that I am answering some things you asked us to write.
I am down here over the well giving therapy and I really do not get the opportunity to hear the speakers & what is said.
This is how I will begin my notation to you. First I am a coward trying to see me as a zero. I am also confused in life & selfishness. Stupid no good asshole.
Dad thank you for so many things that you have given to me. Most of all the love you showed to me in my discipline. Also Jonestown Guyana is truly a lovely home for me. Thank you for letting me have my dog. When I [illegible word] not thank you for caring for all of us when we do not deserve it. Thank you for letting me stay & work.
Next I will say my dreams of everything but a Dad have always been for you but I have thought about how good-looking & passionate & understanding you are and that moves me a great deal. I always say I hope that I will come in [illegible word] with a man like my dad in these [illegible word] is, I do not my dog came next.
[Appended PS illegible]
Etta Thompson: I don’t speak up enough. I’m very happy here. Wish I was younger so I could work like hell. I get mad when I think about my strength and health being sapped out in a country that didn’t give a damn about me.
Betty Moore: Billy Jones has been calling me goofy which upsets me. (Note to JJ from KL [Karen Layton] – teachers will talk to him.) I’m hostile, selfish and gossip too much. I don’t want to confront and be the bad guy. Never lived until I came here.
Theo Williams: You are truly the best dad I’ve ever had, or anybody could have. Best dad in the world, thank you. Right now I don’t have much in mind about sex. I want to get the family here. I do have someone in mind in the states – a family member named Jewell Wilson (he spelled it Gual but he must mean Jewell).
Susan Collins: My dad did some bad things to me when I was a child. Also when I was a child I did some awful things – I went and got me a horse and go see my man? I do love you, you have done so much for me. Anything I can do I am willing to do.
[Editor’s note: Marginal notes for the next two paragraphs include two asterisks, a notation to “Read,” a crossout through the paragraphs, a notation at the bottom of “Done,” and a final comment of “Gloria Walker wants to leave here.”]
Gloria Dawn Walker: Grateful for your love and understanding. Loved ones I miss in the states are my sister, Phyllis Tally and children, my companion Frank Hyatt, my sister Wilmer Echeles and children, my niece Tiffany Douglas, my nephew and his wife, my godmother, my adopted sister, etc. etc. It is beautiful here. I have tried to be a good socialist.
I AM NOT HAPPY HERE AND I DO WANT TO RETURN TO THE STATES. I DID NOT WANT TO COME. I had returned back to my job so I could send for my mother and son but I was told it was an emergency and I had to come. I don’t want to cause more problems by this request but I feel this way – I know you would rather I tell the truth rather than a lie. I am not complaining about anything. I work at the cassava mill and I enjoy learning. Food is delicious here. But dad please allow me to return. I know I owe the people money for fare but I will repay it as it has never been nor will I take money thinking I do not have to repay the mission. Please dad.
Berda T. Johnson: Rita says she wrote a good letter to her daughter Patricia. Said that she was happy, and liked S.A.[South America]. Also told her not to contact the Embassy anymore.
Elfreda Kendall: reports some onions planted down at dorm 2. Also saw Geneva Beal putting out something she said was garlic.
Maria McCann: wants to know if the rule about mothers not bathing male children includes where the mother is fully dressed. Feels if it is left to the men it won’t get done.
Terry Jones: says she will take responsibility of the birds and will work in garden from 9-11 AM four days a week. This is time she usually spends with Chaeok [Chaeoke] or doing follow-ups on radio. Says she does not want to be an elitist.
Tom Grubbs: asks if the following discipline is O.K.: Billy Watkins and Bobby Christian were quarreling a lot. Suggested they have one of their hands tied together with a foot of nylon cord between. Tom says he has a smooth cord and a knot that will not tighten or hurt. The idea was to teach cooperation by necessity.
Cynthia Davis: Says she misses the fields and is now working in tool room. Would like to work every other day with the cassava crew (her old crew). Or whatever time she can get.
Rose: Can work in the field in early morning hours. She helps Rita in letters and some nights in the kitchen.
Rita: would like to do some physical work. Work with letters varies. Could work in the fields a couple of hours every morning. Or late in the evenings after letters. Would be glad to help dig toilet hole.
Don Fields – would like to work one day a week in agriculture. He now works 6 AM to 8 PM. Says that getting to know himself is more painful than he had ever imagined – it’s so easy to criticize others. Says he sees how his conditioning taught him the wrong things, don’t show warmth, don’t cry etc. Says he has a hard time taking orders from women but knows this is wrong. He says he’s trying how to work on not overreacting to people, and not being defensive in situations. Says at this stage of his lack of self-awareness he is not aware of a physical attraction to you, but always thought you had nice hair.
Candace Cordell – would like to change both her and Monique’s last name to Jones or Ingrahm because she hates Rick [Cordell] and Harold [Cordell].
Harriet Tropp – says before Maria [Katsaris] went into town she was putting about one day altogether a week into the garden and liked it. Says Terry handles the radio so she will go back to putting several hours in the morning, Saturdays, and Sundays into working with the plant nursery.
1. MAGALINE LYLES – she is hostile at the children she supervises at times./ mentioned hearing the old-timers talk,/ no sexual attraction to you.
2. JACK BARRON – does not recognize racism, but speaks stronger against blacks when disagreement comes, than whites. Is a chauvinist. More vehement in arguments with females. Not tolerant of youth. Finds ways to keep from getting too tired or working too long. (CL [Carolyn Layton] – to me Jack often looks very tired– though this may just be his natural look. Also, he should be checked for worms as he is so thin.) Avoid physical labor, at times. Sexual attractions – lessened since being here from abstinence and from age. Is waiting for Inez Wagner to get here and would like a companion. They have a loose agreement to companionship??? he says. No sexual thoughts towards you. At times resents the PA – wants quiet and to talk to people and feels the PA interferes. Knows this is selfish and that everyone needs to hear what you say to us.
3. Cliff Gieg – Not working up to capacity, sluggish and lazy, doesn’t push hard enough. He admits he is not zero. Has tendency to manipulate coordinators at times, but thinks they are getting wise to this. Is chauvinistic with sisters – was concerned in Socialism test with yelling right answers instead of getting a better understanding. Hopes to overcome anarchism.
4. DICK TROPP – is lazy but will try to push himself. Avoids physical work. Is not grateful and holds grudges, and does not take criticism well. Thanks too highly of self. Did not agree with strategy of talk show or the parade. He is too much the spineless intellectual. Hopes someday he will be more than the armchair revolutionary.
5. Nancy Sines – Is too snappy about answering questions on any art project. Recognizes this is elitism. Is sarcastic, knows this is hostility. Makes decisions too quick and does this when supervising. Is lazy, puts off confronting people, is too passive as co-supervisor of banana crew. Does not push production enough. She goes along with negativity about Danny her supervisor with the other workers. Danny is too passive and she takes advantage of this. Will try to change the negatives.
6. Nauanda [Nauhuanda] Darnes – is mean and self-centered. Still gossips and is hateful. Too family oriented. Not integrating like she should and she is to blame. Hung up with race. Also prejudiced against some men because of her own hurt by men. Blames men. Her mother left her in a sugar cane field when she was 4 weeks old. Was told this over and over. Daddy abandoned her too, and then returned when she was 9 yrs. old, then disappeared again until she was 14 yrs. Her dad disfigured her face (step dad). She left home after this at 15. Father of Ahonda and Roy treated her like shit. Brans [Braunshaunski] and Elond’s [Elonwaynion] dad fucked white women and said how much better they were than her. A white bitch caused her father’s death. Sometimes wonders about the outcome of things. Still keeps a block to freedom. Glad her kids don’t have to go through what she did. Has no sexual attraction for you that she notices. She has been driven away from men for so long – only wanted to use men because of past hurts. Does not like to take orders from a white person. Thank you for your love, and she enjoyed the conversation with the old-timers.
7. Jeff Carey – would rather withdraw and not deal with people. Lacks perseverance, manipulates people for personal gain. Attracted to JJ and a number of other males at times, but block regarding sex generally. Don’t like to get close to people. Forced himself to fantasize a homosexual relationship and said things that were not true for sake of principle.
Was molested when four or five and remembers the whole thing as oppression. Sees the roles of male oppressor and narcissism, self-love. He doesn’t like women either, they are dependent. He hates North Americans in particular – they are cold and ungrateful. Knows relationships mess people up. Has thought of having one with a black girl. But not sensitive enough to exploit. Knows women want a daddy and he is not one. Wants to please dad, but doesn’t have sexual interest. Likes men to be around more than women because of his own self-love.
8. Terri [Terry] Carter – no attraction to you. Hostile when people she doesn’t like get a lot of time w/ you and don’t learn from it. Liked to hear about the early PT. Thank you for all you have done for her.
I’ve never felt too good about myself. When you are the biggest thing around, people never let you forget it. Sometimes you try to laugh it off and sometimes you try to hurt back with words. This is the way my child feels and there is no way I can help him with the hurt. My mom wishes she was able to see to help herself because she feels she is a burden on us. I have put sex out of my life.
I am a loud mouth person who likes to give orders but does not like to take them. When I am confronted for being an ass instead of looking at myself close enough or at all. I put pressure on others around me. My work is affected by what people think of me. I do not like to admit I’m wrong. I ran the medical dept. in SF and was my own boss (I never grew in SF.) Here in Jonestown the med. dept. works as a team and I cannot hide up on my throne. This is a very painful process for me. I will work extra hours and do research to upgrade the medicine here.
I am a thief and have no class or style with it. I am also a peace breaker, and like to tell people things that will break peace.
I tend to be more hard on others than I am on myself. I don’t take criticism well. I don’t always stand up for what I know to be right. I have had sexual feelings towards you. The feelings occur when you are being very principled about something. I hate you the most when you require me to change.
I have been guilty of manipulating. I tried to go around someone instead of being straight. I am not honest. I try to look good, will not admit fault. I am a coward and am very paranoid. I started out when I thought was loving people but now I find I’m not all that loving, but worried more about my ass and selfishness. I have not a very good sense of humor, uptight, and am very paranoid in the kitchen. Find it hard to trust people, assume they are out to set me up. I am lazy and wait till the last minute. I don’t take a stand and defend others. I send a note to Larry Schacht that you had okayed an overwt. program and asked him to evaluate people on a list, but I said Dad wants you to evaluate. I used your name and I had no right to do so. Also I have been aligning with Lois in certain cases. I have set myself up higher than those around me and acted like I was special but really I am much lower. I have not cared about my children except in relation to myself. I have something inside that needs to come out – a feeling of love.
I have not treated Don [Fields] with respect and have used him too. I get emotional when I hold things inside. When I was up on the floor hitting Don I was hitting a lot of feelings – letting out the anger. I feel sorry that he was the victim, that I couldn’t be straight out and tell him how I felt. THEN DON TOLD ME ABOUT HOW HE FELT LATER. HE FELT I WAS AN ANIMAL OUT THERE. A lot of our people have had to become animals to survive in the capitalistic world and I would be no different in the same circumstances. Now we are learning later how to “survive” in the jungle.
1. Cynthia Davis – attractions – dark eyes, sees in your eyes the total weight of the world, that is what makes me attracted to your eyes. Sees the love of the people and the struggle in your eyes.
– Your strategy always works, your strength and willingness to fight and live for what you believe in. Your endurance.
– She is attracted to your black hair. She likes your arms and hands.
– Likes the gentleness you hold children or touch seniors. A gentle way will help to build Strong Communist revolutionist, secure about what they believe.
– Judge others too fast, is too self-righteous. Too emotional.
– gives others shit in confrontation – but responds to you in confrontation.
– Too mouthy – past experiences cause her to dislike and not trust people
– Temperamental/paranoid, now know most comes from being so self-centered.
– On guilt trips – turns into hostility, feels guilt first, then hostility.
2. Linda Arterberry – she has a lot of why’s to ask you, even though you may not be able to answer them. Does not understand why we cannot all appreciate you and what you are doing for us. When she first met you, she would dream about a person like you, a real person who could move people and things. A lot of us really don’t realize what a loving man we have here and it hurts her to see selfish people like us put you through trying to give us the best that I never even thought I could ever have. She will never forget that stroke you had here in the meeting. You are most concerned dad she will ever know, and the first and last in her heart. We are so selfish we don’t allow you to spend time with your children, I know they need you sometimes they don’t even see you. Couldn’t you take a half day away from the radio and other battles and spend it with your children and getting rest. I know you will say you can’t because you haven’t freed all your people yet, but dad just a half a day. You are entitled to have all the days off as long as there are days. Couldn’t we take a very special day off the year and call it Jim Jones day and not have our half day one week. Dad you made me to be the person that I really am, I didn’t think that this part of me ever existed. I just want to say thank you dad, you made it all possible. I know we shall overcome someday. I have a lot more on my mind that I would like to write but I don’t want to take up any more of your precious time. I wasn’t expecting you to read my other letter out loud, but you can this one.
3. Leslie Wagner – is selfish bitch, always worried about someone messing over her. Trying to save her self-image. Worried about her so-called happiness, yet realizes that her conscience bothers her. She likes the medical field and especially gynecology/obstetrics, but feels that in order for that to be remembered she had to stay in here and literally clean ass. She is tired of being disregarded as a nurse’s aide by Phyllis C. [Chaikin] and considered not to be evaluated with the other nurses. The titles don’t mean shit, but the nursing in the office is really just advanced first aid. The doctor deals in real medical problems. There is so much competition. She would love to get an education in gynecology. She feels she must prove her interest, which she thinks she has to an extent, but when does she just quit? Does she have to prove herself the people in the medical dept. or just to you. She knows that she is being selfish, would like to return to fields and some evenings a week to work with Dr. Schacht with female disorders. He told her he would teach her what he knows about gynecology, because that was his main interest. She doesn’t think it would make a difference with racial background. She doesn’t want to go back to nursing office because there is so much backstabbing in the labor power is needed in the fields
in the fields. She doesn’t want to get lazy, like she feels she is getting. She needs physical labor and can get this in the fields. Phyllis is good, but she thinks she lacks the tolerance to deal with problems brought to her attention. She is very hyper and nervous. Otherwise her job is OK. She is (Leslie) is self-centered. She wants to make something of herself. She doesn’t deserve an education. She has never offered anything or put anything in the past. Save the education for the young, they deserve [it]. She has no other complaints because you have done so much. This place is beautiful and although she would prefer to give her life, and it looks like that chance might come before too long – she will work only to serve you and this communist revolution. Thank you, sorry to waste your time, but she can’t deal with this.
4. Jim Pugh – no sexual attraction now or before. Has had moments of resentment at drawn out meetings – still I realize it is far from your fault so I snuff out such feelings. Is so full of rebellion, and gross ingratitude in spite of all you do and have done for me. Forgive him, he is working to counteract it.
Dislikes the practice of having someone save another’s place in the food line. Unless one has a valid excuse from the doctor to excuse them from the numbing drudgery of waiting in line. Here are some who do this: Heloise Hall (mitigating circumstances), Ruth Atkins, Earnestine Blair, Martha Sauder [Souder], Francis Stevenson…
Did you consider his suggestion of a flue to carry up stink higher?
Concerning diarrhea – this can be terminated he has found by a good stiff jolt of strong black Senior Citizens tea.
He dreads the coming of Dianne W. and Dale Parks. He hates Diane and her ministry, Dale he likes, but hates his ministry – In Dianne’s case completely without a cause. It is torment, like Andrew’s voice. He wishes this were not the case.
5. Cheryl McCall – wants to work out in the field. She was originally on banana crew. She isn’t setting the kind of example she should. She does not wish to become a part of the elite crowd, but has a tendency to go that route. Would like nursing staff to find replacement for her. Does want to continue her classes. She is working 6 to 6 with Lela now.
– Attractions – none to you now or in past. She would have to be 12 or pretty high to let that thought rest in her mind. Sees you as Savior bought [brought] her out of fascist system.
– Has no hostility to you, only to ones who cause you pain, including herself. Feels that we really not good enough to have your loving kindness.
6. Liz Rougerrio [Ruggiero] – selfish thoughts about sister’s illness. At one time did not understand why you could not heal her. Sorry she has these thoughts. Now that she is living in socialist community, understands the reason for living and that we must sacrifice and play our part. She understands why our people do not live forever and we must give lives any time for what we believe. She finds it hard to take the pressure of dealing with people’s medical problems day after day, but thinks twice when realizes you take care of our problems every minute of the day and night no matter how big or small. Knows they get away from it a few hours and you never do. Has accepted her sister’s death. She had every opportunity to be with us. She chose not to. Thanks you for knowing she will come back in one of our children in future and will never have to suffer stress of capitalism which destroyed her health. Looks on you as leader and her attraction is as a daughter-dad attraction. Restricts you from giving her strength and teaching her to be like you.
7. Joyce Parks – hard for her to write w/o manipulation. She doesn’t like to take orders from JJ. Doesn’t like to change her bourgeois lifestyle and you demand it, the thought of torture scares her. Does not like to be reminded. Hates to face any sexual feeling toward you. Does find you physically attractive and has fantasized sex with you. Likes your lips and eyes. Enjoyed the talk was old timers. Would like to have our own radio station, with show, music and things for the children.
8. Allene [Alleane] Tucker – has hostility (can’t read). Something about removing hanging cloth and when she went to coordinator’s office she said up your ass, she took them and hung them there at her head. (I don’t follow what she is saying?????)
8. Rennie Kice – Tommy Kice Jr. wanted to change his name to a Swahili name. He told his dad and he said it sounded like a woman’s name. She thought he should have been more supportive of the name change. He did say he thought it was good for him to change his name.
9. Helen Snell – She is sorry she didn’t leave from behind the window Thurs. morning, she is ? her hostility for she does not like to be boss but she will learn. She is trying, please help her.
10. Luella Brown –is no good, lies, steals, is a no good son bitch. Does not like criticism. She did tell Rita that Mary Ford lost clothe in Gtown, and someone went in her bag and got her things out. She should keep her mouth shut – she has big mouth. Has no sex feelings for you. Thinks of you as her dad, never as sex. Had a dream that at a dance you said to her “I’m going to save you for later.” Suggests for saving money to build a loft in the dorm.
11. Pauline Groot – strange feelings to you – fear, hostility, respect, gratitude all mixed together. Very unreliable, and some sexual feeling. Did not know how to make friends as a child, was lonely, brunt of bullies. She took pride and refuge in intellectual activity. That was the closest to real work she knew. She relates to a few liberals, slightly. They know her as a woman engineer, talk to her without capping? on her. That was the closest to friendship that she got. Free meant to her not to have to be hassled. She resented that you did not believe that people hated her. She thought PT would treat her as liberals had done. She still does not know if she was accepted or not. She would not take any criticism – resented it strongly and did not feel accepted. JJ had promised that she would be accepted and she didn’t feel accepted. She couldn’t mention it as you were “God”. She thought that you could make people like her, but you did not do this. She thought you hated her to make her suffer loneliness. Yet in other ways you were kind, you saved her sister’s life and you smiled at her and preached women’s lib, and were kind to animals, and had a lot of understanding of people. You didn’t seem to understand her. Sometimes she thought you wanted to exploit her for her salary by pushing her into an engineering job. She felt she would rather starve than be hated that much again. She was partially accepted. Not ever accepted by young, but was by seniors. They mothered her and she ran their errands – they brought her through. In Jonestown for the first time in her life she is accepted. She is on Rob Gieg’s cassava crew. They accepted her, but she is still scared they will reject her tomorrow, but aside from that fear and carryovers of her own bad patterns this is heaven on earth for her.
Tell people like her – this is more loving than other places but not completely loving yet. Tell them that after a confrontation people are friends again. If somebody had no friends tell them it isn’t necessarily that they think they are better, but maybe don’t know how to make friends.