October 26, 1977 – Late in the evening
Dear Christine – I have been putting out of my mind the writing to you, until finally there is no more room to hide it away. That sounds pretty awful. I do love you – that is true and all the rest isn’t as important – but they are certainly complicated, all these feelings I have had for so long. I shall try to simplify and say that somewhere back there I lost my trust and have been fearful of being hurt so I barricaded myself with a coolness and if that seems like an un-caring I am sorry.
I feel that you are reaching out for two reasons: the first is that you are so far from “home” or familiar territory – the other that you need to reassure us about the Temple and your life & to suit everyone after all the negative press, etc. The main thing that I’m concerned about is that you are living where you are and doing what you are doing only because you want to and that you have complete freedom to change your mind & views & exercise that freedom at will – yours – and even to leave there if you want to. The recent negative press actually has had little impact on my feelings – they were born many years ago and time and events have molded them, not press releases. Christine, from your description of your life there – what could be more interesting & colorful. Somehow only part of me believes that it’s perfect – I wouldn’t mind finding out for myself, at least viewing you in your environment (and I really don’t mean your physical as much as all else) – However the jungle sounds fantastic, and your work in the school seems perfect for you & fun. If ever you need help from me, be direct, just ask.
How much is airfare to Guyana? Maybe someday or days of saving and you’re still there –
I hope this hasn’t seemed too heavy & gloomy. Mostly I have the feeling you are doing what you want and need to do. In order to assure that you get this before another eon, I’ll seal it up and write again soon.
Affectionately & with love, Mom