[Editor’s note: Several of the letters in this section were written in the summer of 1978, although many carry no dates at all. Others include date and month – eg. 9/7/78 – and while most Jonestown residents retained the American notation of dating (meaning this date would be September 7, 1978), others adopted the British/Guyanese notation (meaning this date would be July 9, 1978). In order to make the transcriptions as accurate as possible, those notations have been left as is.]
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Letter to Jim Jones from Penny Kerns Silver, July 1978
28 July, 1978
Dear Dad: I am sorry to bother you but I am having a big problem with depression – I know the depression is self centered and selfish sometimes it’s very hard to combat. I have a number of things that are upsetting me and that I have been upset about. I know they are petty but they still hurt, and cause me problems.
When Carol [Kerns] and Joanie [Pursley] were having this thing over Phil Blakey, (I didn’t know that Joanie liked Phil or that you told Joanie to [not?] to talk to Phil), I asked her why she was flirting with him – as Carol liked him. (Something like this. Karen [Layton] really chewed me out and told me that you knew that Carol like Phil. She asked me why I was defending my daughter – and she was really snide to me – I felt really upset about this because I couldn’t understand this – and I apologized to Joanie and yet I felt sorry for Carol. I just think that Karen was wrong to say that to me … that you knew Carol liked Phil and yet told Joan to talk to him. I felt that this caused division between you and I for I was hurt by this. Also, when I was having problems with worrying about myself physically this past month, Karen again was very snide with me and said to me that she know you had healed me of cancer but had I ever REALLY had cancer. (Joyce Parks also asked me the same thing.) I then had to say that I had had cancer that had been verified by biopsies. (And each time you healed me of cancer, this was also verified by tests and had been diagnosed as cancer). It just made me feel funny – like I was imagining things or as if this hadn’t been real.
And, I feel very concerned by Phyllis Chaikan [Chaikin]. She has a way of smothering people. I like my job in the medical department and I triy to do a good job, but I don’t think it’s right that Phyllis tries to own people 100%, which is what it is my opinion that she does. I like to do a variety of things – and she tried to make me promise to agree not to do anything else but medical work on my free time – this is caused me a lot of conflict – Sometimes, I help Christine and Karen – and I don’t think that anyone has the right to tell anyone else what to do on their free time. I feel like I have to sneak and hide from her. It’s a rotten feeling. Today, on my free time, I went to copy the news and I made a carbon for the medical department. Phyllis happened to come to the library where I was and I told her I had made a copy for the staff. She was very nasty to me – and when she gets like this she won’t listen and she won’t give a sincere kind of apology either – she comes off really mad. She makes me feel so guilty. It’s like she wants to feel free to explode and have her moods and whoever is around is supposed to make room for her tidal wave. When she laughs we can laugh. When she wants silence, people
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must be silent kind of thing. Most of the time she was very pleasant to work for but with her moods are unpredictable.
I am also very insecure and upset over my relationship with Andy [Silver] and I’m sorry to mention it. I wish I weren’t so dependent on him emotionally and maybe I should end the relationship. I am sure that it’s selfish of me but it hurts me that he can go four months without writing – I just thought that he could take ten minutes and send a note. I still believe that council had him go with me – especially when I don’t hear. And then you said at our last meeting that there are people who have to be companions to people. Well, I don’t want Andy to have to be with me. I don’t want anyone to have to be with me. I know that he works hard – and I know that he’s a fine and good person – but I also know that he is so dedicated that he would do anything to help someone else. I believe that you would care enough for me to have someone care for me – to help me get stronger. But I don’t feel very strong right now. I feel weaker inside than I can ever remember. It’s like I have a big sore inside of me. I have failed in everything that I have ever done – my jobs, my children, the Learning Crew, you, my relationships with people, (my ability to relate), I can’t think of anything that I have succeeded in.
I guess I thought that working with Helen [Swinney] would make me stronger somehow. I can picture myself going and working with Helen but I can’t picture myself with Andy anymore. I care about him but I can’t believe that he really chose me. It just makes sense to me that if he had wanted to write that he would have. And like you say, out of sight, out of mind. I do think that it’s loving of you and of him to do this for me – to try to make me feel better about myself – but I’m so confused about it. Also, I am feeling so old and ugly.
After Karen chewed me out for defending Carol, I really got low and resentful. The Touchette and Swinney family setting upsets me. Day after day, they sit in the office and visit – and this causes personal loneliness for me and I’m sure others. I don’t understand it. Mom, Dad, their children, Grandma and uncle, all gathered together and I get chewed out for standing in Carol’s corner. I haven’t stood in Carol’s corner many times.
Also, it hurt me that Patty told you I had cried over missing Andy. This wasn’t true. When Marthea [Hicks] came from the states, she had told me that if I was no longer with Andy that she wanted to write to Andy. I hadn’t heard from him at that time for over four months. When Marthea told me this I was upset – and this is what I cried about. After a few days I told Marthea that she most certainly could write to Andy – (For what right did I have to interfere with a black sister if she wanted him and he obviously wasn’t interested in me). I thought maybe they had been going together.
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I try not to defend myself publicly and you had confronted me publicly about crying and missing Andy – so I didn’t defend it. But I was hurt that Patty [Cartmell] didn’t tell this straight. I never once asked that Andy come – and I have even repeatedly said that I thought it was great that he was there to help and that I wouldn’t want him to come for my welfare, as he was needed there.
Also, I wrote you a letter expressing my upset over the things you have to do for people. I said that I felt hostile towards the people that you have had to have sex with – I asked Karen to read the letter – I thought that maybe she could help me with my feelings in the matter as I feel very upset over this, and had cried about this. Karen asked me if I was jealous and said she doubted very much if anyone cared enough about you to cry over what you have to go through. I then felt embarrassed about my feelings and so I just dropped the matter.
But since then I can see how beautiful these people are – and I feel especially guilty over Carolyn [Layton] who I have resented all these years for being so abrupt to me and for not taking time with me – I feel guilty because I am beginning to better see the overall picture and I’m amazed at the great sacrifice that she has made – and I especially cringe at the thought of her in the prison for 6 months pregnant. This has gone over and over in my mind. Most of my hostility has been in defense of Mother [Marceline Jones] – but there is knowledge and understanding beyond what I have involved in all of this. I wish I better understood. I try to keep my mind on the end result – the feeding and saving of the masses – the changing of the people – their devotion to helping you save people. My small confusions are encompassed by the greatness that you are and that I have witnessed.
I wish that I were stronger and I’m sorry that I’m not. I don’t know why I bother to try to communicate with Karen – I guess because she and I have been so close – or I thought we were. She works so hard – and I’m sure she means well. Like you told me once, I’ve hurt a lot of people myself, and I try to remember this.
I’m trying to change my sharp tongue, Dad – I am confused at how I am supposed to be – at what you want of me. I don’t know who or what I am supposed to be, how I am supposed to act. I feel guilty for going around acting sweet, for not writing people up when they deserve it – for not helping enforce the laws and letting you take all the heat. And then at the same time, I dread the hostility that I get –
Well, I’m sorry that I have taken this much of your time. I do wish you would reconsider my going with Helen. Perhaps this [could]
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keep my mind busy and I could learn to be independent. I think that I could do a good job. I don’t see how I am so needed here and when Andy comes he won’t be here anyway. I think that maybe he needs to be free. I know it would be very painful to me for a while but I will get used to it. You said you needed leaders. Andy is a wonderful and devoted person. Maybe he will be even stronger without me.
Night before last I had this beautiful dream. I came that you laid some papers down and I look at them (they were laying open on the table. You had drawn a beautiful drawing with pencils, colored pencils – of clouds and birds. The clouds had great depth to them and the birds that you drew were beautiful and in the depth of the clouds you had written the names of people – I saw “Grubbs” and I don’t remember who all – and I was surprised to see “Grubbs”, I guess because of my own hostility for him [Tom Grubbs] – but I had to realize that you love him too … he is your child too … and as I looked at this beautiful drawing, the clouds lit up and the words “I am God” illuminated. It was the most beautiful dream that I have ever had except for the dream years ago, when I dreamed that you came into a bar and got me out. I was sitting at the piano bar in this piano player in an old shabby suit came in and started playing the piano – and when I looked up, he became you and you leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and I drew away from you and you said, “Why do you turn away from God?”
And I have turned away from you a lot – I have disbelieved you, judged you, questioned you, been mad at you, been resentful of those close to you – I wanted more attention myself and I have resented you talking to certain people and not me. Yet, I don’t know why you have put up with me.
I really don’t care as much about living anymore. I think a lot about Lynetta [Jones] and think a lot about being in my grave. It’s hard for me to picture myself in a future kind of situation. I guess that this [is] why I am trying to create something for myself – like going with Helen. I don’t know how to get stronger. I’m sorry that I have let you down. and I am so sorry that I still have such a sky God concept of you.
Penny.
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Letter to Jim Jones from Penny Kerns Silver
9-7-78
TO DAD FROM PENNY
SOME OF THE TRAITOR IN ME (I wrote this the day after you asked for it)
When I call Diane Mertle’s house in SF I had it in mind to leave. This was after I had ran away twice. I was so insanely paranoid. I didn’t believe that I was wanted – I wanted to get to Mertles and find out what was “really going on” as far as I was concerned. I thought that they would tell me the truth about how much I was hated and verify the bad things that I thought you felt about me. I think that I can truly say that I didn’t want to hurt this cause when I can see now how I might have turned if they had convinced me that I wasn’t wanted – (but I really can’t face this in me, Dad because I find it too uncomfortable to deal with.) I had a plan of going to Mertles (a plan made up in a panic) and then getting a job an reporting to you on their bullshit. I wanted to escape the isolation – and I was deeply hurt because I had been kept off PT in that so many had been counselors and I was excluded. I thought that I wasn’t trusted. I wanted to do my own thing and still uphold the cause – (I have liked to do the heroic type of things.) However, I can see that I was wanting an out – I thought that I wasn’t wanted – and I’m sure that if the traitors had had a chance, they would have told me terrible things to hurt me and try to make me change. When I realized the horror of my dialing that number, I ran to the church to tell Sharon A. [Amos] and Mother [Marceline Jones] what I had done. I still can’t see clearly what all was in my mind, Dad. I know that I was deeply hurt over Ruth and Jeanette [Kerns] – I can’t even think about them without deep pain. But I hate them as much as I have loved them. I couldn’t face how evil they were and I brooded over them. I also had such great guilt over what I had done to hurt them before you found me. This guilt still haunts me. But not like the guilt that I feel from running from you and dialing that number. I am so ashamed that I could hardly hold my head up or look at you, Dad. I have questioned you – been furious with you – I have hated your leaders – I hated Mike Cartmell and Sue [Suzanne Jones Cartmell]. They were so hateful over the years. I used to think that if Mike were ever the leader that I would leave or die. And I feel this way now about Johnny Jones because he is so hateful at times. I am afraid of Johnny and I would rather die with you, than to be left under him. He hates me at times and is too quick to judge. I also think Johnny Jones Jr. hates me. Rational or not – I believe this and I don’t want to have to live with the way they treat me because of my fear for them. I have been pissed because you picked so many people who were traitors for leadership. I was hurt because you accuse me of racism when I was on the Learning Crew – The problems I was having was with Ronnie James, not with Sebastian [McMurry]…
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and I sulked about this heavy confrontation. But I can see the racism in me. And I feel deep guilt for the years when I didn’t help in any cause and did my own thing. I still don’t care enough. Somehow people get psychotic from the capitalistic society. I keep hurts in my mind for years… I get pissed because you have your children around you and you want us to not have family type situations. I measure the things that you do. When people close to you hurt me, I assume that it’s because you feel that way about me and blame you. I imagine that you and staff talk about me behind my back and scoff about me. I imagine that the way that Johnny Jones Sr. and Johnny Jr. treat me is because of your true feelings for me and they are unable to hide their contempt for me. I still sulk over the time that you confronted Ruth publicly in Redwood Valley and. accused her of having a van outside I later found that this wasn’t true and it hurt me deeply. The van belonged to the family of the road who had a rest home. Her husband had had a flat tire – and Jack Beam and others had accused Ruth of having someone else with a tape recorder. I was crushed when I found out this wasn’t true. And I hated Jack Beam for this – that night he had been so mean to me. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t listened to you but wish I had gone to see her and tried to get her back. And sometimes I get furious with you because you trust too much and tell people too much. I nearly get sick from this. I was so upset when Ruth told me that you had told her and others that John-John was yours. I told her that you had deliberately made this up to find out who was telling shit on us – and that this lie was even on record in the safe at Eva’s [Pugh]. I have been so confused over so many things. I have been so hurt because I sat in LA so damned long alone – and was so isolated and was never included. I never understood this and I still don’t really. I adored you and my whole life was spent waiting for the buses to come – to see you but I hated your rejection of me. I have thought you play favorites with people and this has really upset me. I have had a hard time facing my hostility for you and my hostilities have made me feel very guilty. Like a hypocrite.
I have thought of all kinds of ways to get out of here – of ways to send codes out – but I can hardly live with myself now. I get pissed because you have let me down … and asked me to pay my debt to you. You have interfered with my sky God consciousness and made me face myself and you have exposed me and my greed to others. Yet I am thankful for the sick guilt that you have relieved me of and you have replaced this with socialist guilt, which is constructive where the other is destructive.
Something in me wants to correct everything – yet I am so incorrect within myself. It’s been so hard to see the need of confrontation – and I have hated it – but it has made me stronger. I want you to know that when I came back each time, I came back because of you – not because of Andy.
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It’s important to me that you know this, Dad. I knew and I know that I am worthless without you. I have to be purged of the Capitalist in me. I have questioned you, your motives – and yet you have done everything for me. I have been such an asshole. I do have a hard time coping with living without you and am convinced that I won’t be able to exist when and if you die, so I will just die with you. Too many people in leadership hate me and I am sure would kill me. I don’t believe the cause can survive without you, Dad, and I’m sorry to say this. I don’t want to sell my soul, and would rather just be dead with you and I did want to go with Peter [Wotherspoon] and help blow up some fascist leader. My life has been so worthless. I don’t want to die sick, Dad – or of old age… I don’t want to have a worthless life. Why can’t I go with Peter and help them do in some of these fascist bastards? I am an excellent manipulator and can really con people. I’m having some problems, Dad – and I hope that if I have cancer that you won’t let me lay down and die. This is just panics the hell out of me. I had envisioned myself being shot down in the streets, Dad. Or at least imprisoned from killing a few people. Or maybe I could get Tim S. [Stoen] in a car – convince him that I left and take him off a cliff drunk. Or, maybe I could kill some fascist head of state, someplace. I don’t want you to heal me if anything is wrong – and I don’t want to lay down and die.
Thank you for the time you have allowed me, Dad – with these people… Peter, Ernest, Tom and all the others. They have been so good for me. I just want to help liberate the people and I am just an asshole … less than an asshole.
This is the most ridiculous goddamned revolution that I have ever seen – For ten years you have been telling us that we are going to fight a revolution – you have fed us great meals – giving us excellent care, save us from jails, death and suicide. You have saved and educated our children – ran us around the country continuously on air-conditioned buses – given us fabulous churches with wall-to-wall carpeting, free housing, free counseling, and then you bought us first-class plane tickets and flew us “unable to function people” out of that sick society and brought us thousands of miles away where you can watch over us, protect us, comfort us, teach us right from wrong, teach us about the pitiful conditions in the world – make us stop hurting each other – and then you keep going on – holding on when we try to figure out how to do our own elitist thing. And so here we are in the middle of this ridiculous revolution with foam rubber mattresses, great meals served three times daily, excellent medical attention, our laundry done for us, the security of a job, no rent to pay, no medical bills – no one is allowed to falsely accuse us … no jails, no gossip allowed … lots of good things to talk about … the news, candy every week or cookies…
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no bars … and the most wonderful climate I have ever experienced in all my life.
I don’t feel proud of my traitorous thoughts Dad but I do appreciate the fact that I am free to tell you – though I hate to hurt you with all this sick bullshit.
I just want to do my job and to do what I can to help others get well – you put so much time on me … and I’m thankful for the time I am able to give others.
I know that one day Peter will leave and go somewhere to die. I love Peter, Dad, like I love Jair [Baker] and Tom and Ernest. It’s hard for me to love Sue and Marcia Simon but I’m trying … and I feel a lot of pain thinking about Peter leaving and fulfilling this mission … it’s really important to me to be kind to him and to make him feel as much like a human being as possible and to make him learn to face realities because he doesn’t see a lot of things clearly – but he’s better in many ways, though I would be horrified to trust him with children. I am trying to make Sue feel worthwhile Dad … and I am trying to make Marcie feel worthwhile too. These people are your children that you have entrusted to me and I have to do for them whatever is necessary to save them – (that I am able to do, that is.)
I know that there are a lot of rotten things about me that I haven’t even faced, Dad. I will try to look at it all and I will let you know the shit in me when I am able to see it.
I’m sorry to hurt you with all this bullshit.
Penny.
Teaching people how to have sex so they can help save the world is probably the only pure motive for sex that there is. At first I was really uptight about this sex business but the more I think about it, the more loving and beautiful it becomes to me. I have been so hostile to Carolyn [Layton] over the years and now I get tears when I think of how great she is. Kimo [Jim Jon Prokes] is the result of a great revolutionary act and so is John [Victor Stoen] – and that makes them the most. I have never had sex to help another person and I’m sure that no one has but you and a few other people that you have trained – and asked to help someone – which makes it an act of pure love. And I think it was beautiful of you to have sex with Peter to help him grow. I have been so messed up over sex Dad – and I appreciate my relationship with Andy – and his helping me overcome all my hangups. As far as my lesbianism is concerned, I can think of a woman sucking me off but it really repulses me thinking of sucking a woman off – you said that some of us would sell out rather than suck off a woman. I don’t like to face that I feel this way. I think I would do it if I had to, Dad, even
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if I had to swallow my vomit.
I did want to add something about Tom Grubbs and Larry Schacht.
TOM GRUBBS
Bea [Orsot] told me last night that she thought you had really disarmed Tom when you praised me for my good relationship with Peter. She said that Tom has made it very clear to her the past several weeks that he thinks I am too hard on Peter … and this cleared the whole thing up. Tom has this thing for me, Dad. He is always trying to do me in. I also think that he thinks he is you. I know that this is ridiculous but he tries to come off like you in his ways – and now he has come up with this ridiculous hat – that isn’t so ridiculous but it’s just like your hat. And, when you have had him monitor the movies, I have seen him sit in your chair and tried to sit like you – can play with the mike like you do. He also tries to be “loving” like you are and creates this big “love Tom” image for himself, which makes me want to puke. I am concerned that he has a pocket-sized tape recorder in his room and has access to all this equipment. It would be simple for him to tape anything and slip it out with a guest or in a book. I think the time is completely out of it in his head.
LARRY SCHACHT: It is my opinion that Larry has it in his mind to leave if he can figure out how to get out of here. He is extremely emotionally unstable and has several interchanging personalities, which interrelate and over which he has no control and doesn’t seem to release exist. These personalities are more intermingled that [than] Pauline’s were. If we could make Larry aware of them, so that he could control the ones in him that are acting out, perhaps he could stabilize. He is smart enough to pick up on this in himself and perhaps he would cooperate if this interaction were sanctioned by you. Providing the good in him is strong enough and willing enough to hold out until we can do in and suppress the parts of him that want to rebel. He has a devious part of him that wants to undermine others – a subtle gossipy side of him and he tries to build alliances on his behalf against others. (I will start making specific notes on what I am referring to. Today when I recommended writing to doctors for equipment, etc. he said he wanted to write a doctor in Brazil who wanted him to go into practice with him, then he put his head down and said, “Oh well, he’s probably a fascist”. I do think that Larry would contact this doctor if he could get out of here. I recommend that we pretend we are going to write all these doctors and find out this doctor’s name and address so that in case Larry splits we can know where to find him.
Thank you, Dad. Penny
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Letter to Jim Jones from Penny Kerns Silver
EE-2-ij-7a
3-7-78
To Dad From Penny
Dear Dad: You said last month that I had never been told about the sexual situations because you hadn’t been sure that I could handle it. I have been having some problems with this, Dad. I have felt depressed and have had some nightmares. It upsets me that you have sex with different people but I know that you use sex to help people though I don’t understand it. (I am probably threatened by this.) I have so many problems with my sexual feelings that I don’t think I’m jealous sexually but perhaps I haven’t faced this. I do feel jealous on other levels, however. (That I’m not included more etc. The same old bullshit). I know that I have wanted you to put your arms around me in an affectionate and loving way and this thought makes me want to cry … but I can’t think about you having sex without thinking about your urinary problems and how miserable you have been. Patty [Cartmell] said once that we are like a bunch of leeches sucking your blood and I can see that… This morning I felt very depressed about this and wrote you a letter which I took to Karen Layton to read. She said she thought there was more to my being upset than what I had stated and that she said that no one really cares that much about you. (I came off like I was so concerned about you & was crying for you). So I tried to place the hostility in me and remembered – but didn’t want to face that Ruth [Kerns] had told me about your wanting to have sex with Danny Phillips and that Jeanette [Kerns] was upset because she thought you wanted to screw David Wise. Ruth told me that John [Victor Stoen] was yours. I told her she was a liar. I felt hostility because I think that this is what made them turn and perhaps they would have stayed if they understood. They didn’t understand – and I don’t understand – but I do know that you have the knowledge of love – divine love – you know how to make bad people good, self[ish] people give – and I have to keep my mind on these things … for I know you are the Savior. I have been such a messed up person. A pervert myself (thinking of Peter [Wotherspoon] … and nothing that I ever did was for others … it was done for myself. Even my relationship with Andy [Silver] is based on how I feel – how he makes me feel – not on how I can make him feel.
It depresses me to think of your having to have sex with different people. I believe that you having sex with men and some women is very repulsive to you. Karen asked me if I was jealous … maybe I am and I haven’t faced it … but I feel uncomfortable about thinking about having sex with you and even sad. I can only think happily of you having sex with Marcie [Marceline Jones] and I get upset thinking of you with anyone but her. Which is probably caused by indoctrination. I know that I have questioned you a lot. I am not trying to question you in this – I am just trying to understand and to deal with my own feelings. I am not the dedicated follower
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who saw a great Leninist leader – I am a neurotic drunk who you lifted out of the gutter and have rehabilitated and whose life you have made somewhat worthwhile. I am trying to learn what you are teaching. I came back each time I ran because I know that I can’t survive without you or this family – and I don’t want to. I don’t miss the states but I still crave alcohol at times. I am too self-centered – I feel that I have failed you almost completely – and that I failed you on the Learning Crew.
I have wanted to help with security but feel that this is egotistical and that I am not needed. But I think I can be of help… I think that I am not wanted is a more accurate statement.
I feel hostile towards the people you have had sex with – but they are such strong and sweet people. Perhaps I’m jealous because they show me up and are close to you. I am trying to look at myself.
Penny.
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Letter to Jim Jones from Penny Kerns, October 1978
EE-2-ij-15a
14-10-78
To Dad From Penny [Kerns]
I have hurt you so many times. I have questioned you and your motives, when I should have had blind faith. I have wasted money when you were supporting me and my children. When you save my children from jail, suicide and every other damned thing, I was bitter because you didn’t do enough and pined for them rather than be grateful to you; I have been jealous of those close to you – rather than face the fact that they work harder than I do and can take confrontation better than I. I would probably fall apart if you and the others didn’t kiss ass up to me. I have made numerous suicide attempts out of the desire for attention. I obviously didn’t want to die, I made sure that I didn’t take too much of anything and then I always called for help right afterwards – so I was just being a stupid fool that picked a sick way for attention. Instead of looking at all the good I have nitpicked. I have tried to be “important” and look good when I didn’t deserve it – I tried to be like Karen [Layton] or Carolyn [Layton] – or Mother [Marceline Jones] but I didn’t have the ground work that they had. I have had to face the fact that I just have to be me and try to build from there, though it’s hard for me to see myself. I hurt my children terribly and it’s my fault that they aren’t here – I have no one to blame but myself. It’s too late and I owe a price for what I have done to hurt others. I hate the role of authoritarian and I would almost rather be dead than be on the PSU [Public Services Unit] – however I know that the PSU and the meetings are necessary to hold this work together and so I intend to support the thing that scares me the most. I have to take the risk of making mistakes in order to help keep the structure. I hate the structure but it is the structure that has saved me from the sickness in myself created by the capitalist society.
I am no longer suicidal, Dad and I am grateful for this. And I love it here, Dad. If there is a heaven, it is being with you and this family. And although I get tired of the meetings too, Dad, I love being with you, in your presence – and I am not the only one who feels this way. Most of us adore you, Dad – you are our life and our leader – we know that we cannot make it without you. We had not one to care about us until you came along and gathered us up and enfolded us in your adoring arms and made us feel worthwhile and showed us how to help others.
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The other day I was walking along the path and I heard Odell Rhodes singing a made up song about how much he loved you and Jonestown and that his Mother would be home in a few days. It wasn’t a real song – but just things he was making up out of his head and that he was singing about as he walked along. I thought this was so beautiful … that he would humble himself and sing out about his love for his mom and his dad –
And when the seniors refer to you as “my daddy” … it makes me just cry … because sometimes I slip and call you Daddy too. So many of us never had nice Dad and we need your love and attention in order to make us whole.
I feel guilty for missing my children. They are such fascist bastards. But I swear to you, Dad, that I give very little time thinking about them. It makes me feel sick when I do – I force my mind to think another things that have to do with this cause. And I am thankful that you gave me the strength to refuse to have anything to do with Jeanette’s baby – I’m glad that I don’t have that on my conscience. I also feel very guilty for running, Dad. I am so ashamed of this. I will never do this again. I swear to you – I will never do it again. When I heard you call all night for Ricky [Jackson], it just made me sick inside. When I ran, I couldn’t relate to the fact that anyone really cared about me. I don’t know why my sick mind thought you would drag me along with you for over ten years if you didn’t. You sure didn’t have to. I did run into the tiger that night, Dad. I know that they are there. And I was saved only because of you.
I want to get stronger, Dad. I want to learn to care more about others. I want to work through this sick paranoia that I have. Thank you for the council – for making everyone care about others. Thank you for living this miserable life for us – and for making me stand up to my responsibilities. Thank you for saving the children, the seniors and for saving all of us. I know that you are the Savior. Although I know that I am hostile to you at times, I also know that I adore you. Thank you for making it possible for everyone to exist. Once Sharon Amos told me that you are always building. And this is true. Please keep building me, Dad, and helping me to build myself – so that I can get stronger. Please give the direction that I need to get stronger and kinder. Thank you for your beautiful socialist love.
Penny.
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Undated Self Criticism of Penny Kerns
EE-2-ij-16a – 16b
Self Criticism from Penny:
I know that I get very defensive and talk too short with people. I am trying to change this – I also imagine that people don’t like me and I care too much about this. I am trying to learn not to care. At times I kiss ass up to people to keep them off my case. I also find myself trying to manipulate people, but when I am aware of this – I tried to correct this.
I do want you to know, Dad, that I am not suicidal anymore however and when I used to think about suicide I would even fantasize people going over my coffin looking down at me crying and I would think about how sorry they would be – I even thought about how I would make them pay for hurting me – for not paying me attention. Most of the time my attempts were games – I would just take enough of something to make sure that I would live through the whole thing – and I would even make a phone call for help to make sure I got saved in time – I don’t think at the time that this was also well thought out but now I can see this is exactly what I had done – I would take the pills in an emotional outburst, but you see, I didn’t really want to die, because I always called for help – I just wanted someone to care for me.
I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so, Dad – I can assure you that I’m not suicidal anymore!
Your daughter, Penny